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Cakes, Beer & The Great Outdoors

May 24 2019

Currently, I am having work done to my roof. Due to the noise, I escaped to The Fens for a while. The waterway on the right is the Relief Channel. It was constructed in the 50s to take excess water from the Great Ouse river as and when necessary. For whatever reason few people venture out here, which makes it an ideal place for reclusive creatures such as myself.

After a two-hour walk along the Relief Channel we were feeling thirsty. My dog opted for water, me for lager.

I strongly recommend trying Moretti if you haven’t already. Italy might be better known for its wine, but the country produces great lager too.

They say variety is the spice of life. With that in mind I decided to forego my customary chocolate cake in order to try something different. The below is a coconut and lemon cake. It was good.

I didn’t forego my chocolate fix though. This is the chocolate brownie I had for dinner that night.

There is a famous butcher which I frequent whenever I go to Norfolk. It serves delicious, non-pretentious meat at reasonable prices. Vegetarians please avert your gaze.

I recently finished the second draft of my new novel, Golgotha. It will be the final instalment in my black comedy trilogy, Necropolis. I am taking a short break from writing before considering my beta readers’ comments and embarking on a third draft. Here are the books that I will be reading during my hiatus.

This is an ad I just had designed for Necropolis to go on BookBub. Necropolis is the first instalment in the black comedy trilogy of the same name featuring sociopath Dyson Devereux.

Have a good weekend.

17 FREE Humour Books For You

May 17 2019

Once again, I have collaborated with my fellow humour authors to offer you a selection of FREE humour books. This time there are 17 to choose from. The deal includes my satirical book of vignettes, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future (40,251 words/2.5 hours reading time).

17 FREE HUMOUR BOOKS OFFER LINK

If you like dark humour and you are looking for a quick read, Tomorrow’s World could be the book for you. To get your FREE copy of mine and/or any of the other offerings, just click on the link and then click on the book cover you want. All you have to do to claim your FREE book (Mobi/ePub/PDF) is sign up to the given author’s mailing list. You can unsubscribe at any point. If you are already on my mailing list, please sign up again. I will delete any duplicates. So hurry while stocks last. Actually, they are eBooks so stocks will last, but the deal ends on May 28th and time is ticking.

17 FREE HUMOUR BOOKS OFFER LINK

‘… in Tomorrow’s World, Guy has seen the writing on the wall. And it’s in emojis’ – Adam Riley (comedian)

‘This book will certainly have you turning the pages to see what happens next …’ – The Daily Squib

Floods, Felling Trees, Black Comedies and Comfort Food

May 10 2019

Yesterday afternoon, I finished the second draft of my forthcoming novel, the black comedy Golgotha. It is the final instalment in the Necropolis Trilogy, featuring darkly humorous sociopath Dyson Devereux. It is now in the hands of beta readers.

Having polished off the draft, I woke up in a cheery mood this morning, but a flood in my kitchen put an end to it. The dishwasher pipe is leaking, again. Last time I was able to stop it, this time I can’t. There is water everywhere, and only the plumber can save me now.

The best approach on failing to rectify a problem is to make a tactical retreat. After abandoning my efforts to hold back the flood, I sojourned to my study to drink coffee and eat Maltesers.

Here is a shot of some other indulgences from the week gone by.

It is quite noisy here today what with tree surgeons removing a tree in my garden. It was a case of nice tree, wrong place. Hopefully its demise will result in my house getting way more light.

The Council have permitted me to fell a couple of trees on the condition that I plant two new ones to replace them. I take my carbon footprint seriously, but I do not want more trees. The whole idea of getting rid of the trees was to have a less congested garden. I plan to get around the issue by planting bonsai trees.

There is the sound of crunching gravel. Someone is approaching. It better be the plumber and not another Jehovah’s Witness … Yes, I am in luck. It is time to go. Have a good weekend.

If you are looking for something to read, check out my soon to be completed Necropolis Trilogy. If you love dark humour, you’ll love Necropolis. And if you don’t, you probably won’t.

Click here to see the 155 ratings & reviews for #1 Necropolis and #2 Sepultura on Goodreads.

#1: What is a sociopath to do?

#2
A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

Random Ramblings, Pick & Mixes and Grass

May 03 2019

I am all about routine. Every morning when I awaken at seven, I have a walk in the woods by my house with my dog. There is no better time of day unless one is hungover. Of late, there have been plenty of sunny, idyllic mornings here in West Sussex. After a walk, I generally feel refreshed and ready to get on with my writing, or whatever I have to do that day.

My garden was recently landscaped. I scattered grass seed over it some weeks back, but despite there having been plenty of sun and some rain, it still resembles The Kalahari (see below). I was lamenting the lack of growth to a hippie I came across in the pub earlier in the week. He asked if I’d tried any ‘harvest prayers’. I said no, certainly not. He suggested that I might try the ‘very effective’ Mayan Prayer to the Seven Directions. Considering that the Mayan civilisation was decimated by severe drought, I think I will give it a miss.

Not a great deal else has happened to me this past week. Well actually, I had some vegetable samosas a few nights back. I am a carnivorous creature, but when it comes to samosas I am strictly vegetarian. They just don’t work with meat, at least not for me.

Some of my fondest memories from childhood entail Pick & Mix. And whenever I stumble across a Pick & Mix, I tend to be overwhelmed with nostalgia. On Monday when I went to the supermarket, I came across my first Lindor Pick & Mix.

I was unimpressed. While Lindor balls are not without their virtues, they are just too sickly and too similar to one another to justify a Pick & Mix devoted solely to them.

12 Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Apr 26 2019

It has been a while since I devoted a blog post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here are 12 more one star book reviews that I find amusing and I hope you will too.

The Iliad by Homer – ‘You may have seen the movie Troy with Brad Pitt as Achilles, but it is quite different than the book.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – ‘Wuthering Heights is the worst! Everyone is mean and it has an awful ending …’

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘Though I’ve read many bad books, none can compare with this trite, contrived piece of work.’

A Room With a View by E.M. Forster – ‘Please don’t waste your time on this book. Read something from Michael Crichton instead.’

The Bible – ‘If you can stomach the genocide, infanticide, rape and killings then the Bible is for you. I will be sticking to Game of Thrones.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – ‘This book reminds me of one of those really old stinky cheeses.’

The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner – ‘Please, don’t insult my intelligence.’

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens – ‘HORRID!!! This book was literally the worst thing that’s happened in my whole entire life.’

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley – ‘If you like really long, detailed, poorly written soap operas you may like this book.’

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy –
‘How can anybody like this book? Whoever said this is the best classic ever written must be truly brain-dead. What could be enjoyable about a book that primarily consists of a guide on:
a) how to cut grass,
b) how to hunt bear, and
c) how to abandon your own kid for a gigolo.

If I wanted all that stuff I would have read Farmers Almanac.’

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – ‘Had Melville cut this book down to about 25 pages, that would be bearable.’

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo – ‘It’s just a black hole of time …’

Gorging on Chocolate Bunnies & A Free Book

Apr 19 2019

There was a time when I didn’t eat chocolate during Lent. Now it’s all I eat.

I favour different types for different activities. While writing can be a rewarding experience, it can also be incredibly frustrating. And there is nothing more cathartic than biting the ears and/or head off a chocolate Lindt bunny. At least for me, anyway.

Initially, I purchased a pair of Lindt bunnies for young relatives for Easter, but I just kept eating them, and having to go back to the supermarket to get more.

When I am reading, I tend to be of a calm disposition. With the activity only requiring one hand, the other can be used to nibble on an old favourite, Cadbury Crème Eggs.

Here is the assortment of Easter chocolate I have bought for the big day.

And I have a Lindt bunny to see me through today’s writing. Currently, I am working on the third and final part in the Necropolis Trilogy. The black comedy series features the darkly humorous sociopath, Dyson Devereux. There is still time to download a free copy (offer ends Apr. 30). All you have to do is sign up to my monthly newsletter.

Click here to claim your FREE book

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a mix between The Office and American Psycho’ – Amazon Reviewer

Happy Easter!

5 Books For 5 Moods

Apr 12 2019

This is the latest instalment in my books for different moods series. Here are 5 books for 5 moods/different states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Desiring Transgressive Fiction? Then why not give this a go:

Marabou Stork Nightmares

This is an inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness. It is narrated by Roy Strang from the hospital where he is lying in a coma. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for a satirical classic? Well you may have read it already …

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for something philosophical? Is so, this might appeal:

The Plague

The Plague is an existentialist classic that evaluates morality, the role of God and how we react to death. Its narrative tone and poetic prose style of prose will appeal to some. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for something intellectual, but you don’t have much time? Well, this could be the answer:

Chess by Stefan Zweig

The game of Chess offers the prospect of salvation, but also the threat of dissolution in this psychological novella, which explores the delicate divide that separates genius from madness. Click here to read my review.

In the mood to be disturbed? If so, then you are in luck:

Child Of God

Set in a rugged and unforgiving landscape,Child of God is a tautly written and concise work of ‘country noir’. Themes include loneliness and necrophilia. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for some dark humour? Then why not try:

Necropolis

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a satirical work featuring sociopath and public sector worker Dyson Devereux. Necropolis is the first instalment in a trilogy. Click here to see its Goodreads page.

20 Free Humour Books For You

Apr 05 2019

I have collaborated with my fellow humour authors to offer you a selection of 20 FREE humour books. The deal includes my black comedy, Necropolis. All you have to do is sign up to the given author’s mailing list to receive your free book. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Humour Book Giveaway Link

Necropolis is the first instalment in a proposed trilogy. The second part, Sepultura, was released last year. Part 3, Golgotha, will be unveiled later this year. This darkly humorous collection feature sociopathic protagonist Dyson Devereux. Necropolis has 105 reviews and ratings on Goodreads. Click here to view them.

Humour Book Giveaway Link

Have a good weekend.

A Personal Update

Mar 29 2019

It’s Friday again. They come around pretty quickly when one is in a routine. This week I have been immersed in my garden, removing bamboo. The insidious stuff nearly defeated me, but it’s finally gone. The garden is now being dug up and landscaped.

This is my agricultural building/glorified garden shed. I am considering doing some of my writing in there this summer.

The breakfast of champions.

The below is cockle popcorn. I had it in the pub the other day. Tasty, but frustrating trying to pierce them with cocktail sticks.

My dog Trigga in reflective mood.

This idea might just save telephone boxes from extinction. I came across this one in Southampton the other day. It is a book sharing depot. Perhaps I’ll deposit some of my books in one of these.

6 Books for 6 Moods

Mar 22 2019

This week sees the latest instalment in my books for different moods series. Here are 6 books for 6 moods/different states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for something shocking? If so then your search is over:

Newspaper Diapers

This compilation of vignettes about child abuse and group homes left an indelible mark on this reader’s mind. What it lacks in length, it more than compensates for in disturbing content. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for a Transgressive classic? If the answer is yes, you can’t do much better than this:

Survivor

Survivor is an innovative and erudite social commentary, brimming with satirical observations and irreverent humour. It is without doubt one of the author’s best efforts. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for something heavy and intellectual? This tome has the added benefit that it can also be used as a doorstop.

The Brothers Karamazov

This philosophical tome, Dostoyevsky’s last novel, is widely regarded as one of the great literary works of the last century. Click here to read my review.

Feeling like escaping from reality? Then you might like this dystopian classic:

The Man In The High Castle

This alternative history dystopia is set in a world in which the allies lost The War. It is a somewhat chaotic work, containing many intrigues. Click here to read my review.

Requiring something sleep-inducing? If so, then forget the pills and read this instead:

Go Set A Watchman

Set in the 1950s, Go Set A Watchman is essentially about a young woman maturing mentally, and very little else. It compares unfavourably to the author’s seminal work, To Kill A Mockingbird. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for something satirical?

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology of The Enlightenment. Click here to read my review.

AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

Cakes, Beer & The Great Outdoors

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17 FREE Humour Books For You

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Floods, Felling Trees, Black Comedies and Comfort Food

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Random Ramblings, Pick & Mixes and Grass

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12 Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

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Gorging on Chocolate Bunnies & A Free Book

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5 Books For 5 Moods

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20 Free Humour Books For You

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A Personal Update

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6 Books for 6 Moods

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AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

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