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16 Quotes About The Future

Oct 26 2018

My new book is being unleashed on the world, on November 22nd. Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future will appeal to fans of satire and dark humour. As the title suggests, it is about the future. I will be releasing more information over the forthcoming weeks.

In the build-up to the big day, I will be focusing on all things future. Today’s post is dedicated to quotes about the future. Many of these are amusing, others thought-provoking, and some both.

Here are 16 quotes about the future:

‘The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had, yesterday.’ ― Chuck Palahniuk, Rant

‘The past is always tense, the future perfect.’ ― Zadie Smith

‘It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.’ ― John Guare, Landscape of the Body

‘The future is there… looking back at us. Trying to make sense of the fiction we will have become.’ ― William Gibson, Pattern Recognition

‘You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.’ ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

‘Study the past if you would define the future.’ ― Confucius

‘The future is uncertain but the end is always near.’ ― Jim Morrison

‘When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?’ ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

‘I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.’ ― Albert Einstein

‘People were always getting ready for tomorrow. I didn’t believe in that. Tomorrow wasn’t getting ready for them. It didn’t even know they were there.’ ― Cormac McCarthy, The Road

‘The future came and went in the mildly discouraging way that futures do.’ ―
Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

‘The past is made out of facts… I guess the future is just hope.’ ― Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

‘I am an optimist. Anyone interested in the future has to be otherwise he would simply shoot himself.’ ― Arthur C. Clarke

‘Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming.’ ― David Bowie

‘The future is already here – it’s just not evenly distributed.’ ― William Gibson

‘The future may not be bright but it’s hilarious.’ ― Tomorrow’s World (Press Release)

Click here to see Tomorrow’s World Goodreads page.

8 Books That Made Me Laugh

Oct 19 2018

This week’s post is devoted to some more highlights from my bizarre books series. Here are 8 books that made me laugh. Well, I haven’t read any of them, but just looking at them makes me laugh.

Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way

dental

If the client complains behead them. Then impale the head on a pike. Don’t forget to polish their teeth first.

We Never Went To The Moon

Moon

Author: ‘Do you believe NASA of the USA ever set foot on the moon in and after 1969 or do you doubt it?’

‘I can honestly say I’ve never given it any thought. On another subject did you use WordArt to design your front cover? … You did didn’t you.’

Scruples How to Avoid Them

Extreme supplication from the looks of things.

The Christian Life is Exciting

The front cover fails to give that impression.

Helping The Retarded To Know God

And the winner of the most offensive book title is…

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

grow-up

Truer words were never spoken.

God’s Masturbation Solution

Penned by M. L. Brown — Reverend and masturbation connoisseur.

Thinking Biblically About The iPod

If there is a more obscure book title out there, I am yet to come across it.

Why not sign up to my humorous, book-related newsletter? You’ll receive a FREE book.

6 Transgressive Fiction Reading Recommendations

Oct 12 2018

Click on the links to read my reviews.

Wasting Talent by Ryan Leone

Author Ryan Leone utilises innovative writing techniques and a frenetic prose style to weave this graphic story about drug addiction.

My Review: Young guitar virtuoso Damien Cantwell is a member of a band in Southern California. Damian is talented, popular and good looking, but he has a drug problem … (more)

Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk

Haunted is a series of short stories, in which the author explores a variety of themes, including the media-obsessed nature of society.

My Review: Haunted is about a group of writers, who have been assembled by the conniving Mr Whittier to attend a writers group. The location of the retreat is in an isolated theatre with … (more)

Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis

Glamorama adeptly captures the hedonism of 1990s New York. It is punctuated with numerous pop-culture references.

My Review: Victor Ward aka Victor Johnson is a male model living in 1990s Manhattan. Victor is a vapid, soulless character, obsessed with celebrity culture, who lives an existence that revolves around …(more)

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

About: This cult classic contains candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics. Its prose is visceral and frequently frenetic.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s unreciprocated love for a …(more)

Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

About: The book’s premise, the superficial vanity of the beauty industry, is used to explore the unattractive side of human nature and satirise society in general.

My Review: Shannon McFarland is a catwalk model, who is the centre of attention wherever she goes. That is until she ‘accidentally’ blasts her jaw shot off with a gun whilst driving down …(more)

Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock

About: Knockemstiff is a transgressive compilation of short stories. Their grubby setting, visceral prose and dark humour appealed to this reader.

My Review: These interlinked short stories are set in ‘The Holler’; an impoverished part of Knockemstiff, a real-life Ohioan backwater. ‘The Holler’s’ air is permanently imbued with the stench of …(more)

Books, The Crayfish and Me

Oct 05 2018

I am not a sociable person and I do not receive many visitors, so I was surprised when this one turned up, unannounced at my front door.

He is an American Crayfish. I’m assuming it’s a he, I don’t get female visitors. His visit was all the more surprising considering that there is very little water around here. Initially, I wasn’t aware that he was an American Crayfish, but then the postman arrived and informed me that ‘it’ was, and that American Crayfish are a clear and present danger to our native fauna. Rather like grey squirrels.

On another note, after years of using social media, I have finally decided to include a bio pic of myself, rather than an image from one of my front covers. It feels a bit like being naked in public. Anyway, here it is:

I will be rolling it out to my social media profiles in due course. Now, for a reading update. What with all the writing I have been doing, I haven’t been reading that much of late, but I am poised to embark on two books. The Blade Artist (Transgressive Fiction) and The Butcher (Black Comedy). I will be posting my reviews of them here and on Goodreads.

Just a reminder that my next book, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future is being released next month (November 22nd). Click here to view its Goodreads page. Have a good weekend.

Tomorrow’s World Blurb Reveal

Sep 28 2018

Today, I am pleased to unveil the blurb for my forthcoming book, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future.

The future’s here and it’s great. You can live for a very long time, you can experience the dream in virtual reality, and you can even worship David Hasselhoff. But not everyone is feeling fulfilled …

With the relentlessly increasing mandatory retirement age, Terrence can see no end to his life of drudgery. And then there are the compensation claim drones …

On the other side of the pond, Walter is faring far better. With the assistance of age-defying medication, the kung fu hyper-capitalist plans to prosper indefinitely. However, there are plenty of people who want to see him fail.

Will these two contrasting characters thrive in a future that’s changing forever? Or even survive? And what about the rest of us?

If you like dark humour and scathing satire, then you will relish experiencing tomorrow’s outlandish world through the eyes of its colourful cast of characters.

40,251 words – 2.5 hours reading time

Publication Date: November 22nd (paperback & eBook)

‘… in Tomorrow’s World, Guy has seen the writing on the wall. And it’s in emojis.’ – Adam Riley (comedian)

Warning: This book is not suitable for overtly religious types/those who do not appreciate dark humour.

Are you on Goodreads? If so, click here to add Tomorrow’s World to your to-read list.

12 Peculiar Books

Sep 21 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to some of the peculiar/bizarre books out there.

Here are 12 peculiar books:

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Dancing with Cats

A sure of attracting the attention of the men in white coats.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh …’

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

Crafting With Cat Hair

That is one creepy book.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist looks ominous.

A Passion For Donkeys

Extraordinary.

Oozing For My Lord

That is one unfortunate title.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America

The one on the cover looks like a 2009 Wal-Mart MX19V.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — What’s that? The definition of an oxymoron?

6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

Sep 14 2018

I am an avid fan of dark fiction. Here are 5 dark fiction books that I have read and one that I have written.

Definition: Dark fiction is concerned with the sinister side of human nature. It is often distinguished from the mainstream horror genre in that it tends not to be fantasy-orientated. Dark fiction may contain elements of black or satirical humour.

Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock

About: Knockemstiff is a transgressive compilation of short stories. Their grubby setting, visceral prose and dark humour appealed to this reader.

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

About: This dark, innovative blend of fantasy and mythology explores the tribalistic nature of America’s various beliefs.

My Review: Shadow is an inmate who whiles away his days practising coin tricks. When his wife dies in a car crash, he is released early on compassionate grounds. Shadow is …(more)

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

About: Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires and beliefs.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the …(more)

Marabao Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh

About: This is an inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness. It is peppered with stylistic idiosyncrasies.

My Review: Roy Strang narrates this story from the hospital in which he is lying in a coma. It begins in South Africa, where he and his friend Sandy Jamieson are hunting the …(more)

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

About: This cult classic contains candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics. Its prose is visceral and frequently frenetic.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s unreciprocated love for a …(more)

Tomorrow’s World by Guy Portman

About: Tomorrow’s World is a satirical book of vignettes about the future. Themes include the future of capitalism, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. This quick read (40,521 words/2.5 hours) will appeal to those who like dark humour. Amazon Link

12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

Sep 07 2018

Back in July, I dedicated a post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here is the second instalment.

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in many instances amsuing one star book reviews.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This book not only ruined a week at the beach but also damaged my self-esteem.’

East of Eden by John Steinbeck – ‘Recommended to me by someone I thought I could trust.’

The Lord of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien – ‘I couldn’t get past all the Hobbit gossip in the beginning.’

Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner – ‘Too many words. Just look at the title, it’s twice as long as it needs to be.’

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘I read the first 5 pages, which usually tells me if I will continue … that’s as far as I got.’

A House for Mr Biswas by V.S. Naipaul – ‘… much longer than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

The Road by Corman McCarthy – ‘If I wanted pompous discourse about the meaning of life, I’d read the New Yorker.’

The Railway Children by Edith Nesbit – ‘It drives me crazy how the railway station is so meaningful and important when it’s only visited, like, twice in the entire 188 pages. I went to the Brooklyn Public Library but people don’t call me ‘The Library Child.’

The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch – ‘If I have to read one more simile-laden description of the sea I shall scream.’

Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut – ‘… maybe the problem is me.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger – ‘And as for the ducks the protagonist is always asking about? They fly away because it’s winter, and they’re ducks. They’re migrating. It’s a bad symbol, and everyone in the book, including Holden, should understand migration. It’s no big secret.’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘If this book was a horse, I would shoot it!’

I hope you found these reviews entertaining. I will probably do a further instalment or two at some point. About me.

6 Recommended Humour Books

Aug 31 2018

This week’s post is devoted to six humour books – five that I have read and one that I have written. Click on the links to read the reviews.

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

The Metamorphosis is a bleak, existential nihilistic tale that comments on the human condition and the futility of life. This reader appreciated its dark humour.

My Review: Protagonist Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find that he has been transformed into a beetle. This awkward situation is exacerbated when Gregor’s boss turns up at his house seeking an explanation for his non-attendance at work …(more)

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

Damned is a a light-hearted satire of hell, punctuated with comical details, pop-culture references and Theological irony.

My Review: The protagonist is thirteen-year-old Madison, the daughter of wealthy alternative parents. The privileged Madison studies at an exclusive Swiss boarding school and spends her holidays alternating …(more)

Candide by Voltaire

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology of The Enlightenment.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds …(more)

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas is a humorous, ludicrous and on occasion repellent social commentary about the demise of the psychedelic, free loving dream of the sixties.

My Review: Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego, journalist Raoul Duke, and his gargantuan Samoan attorney, Dr Gonzo, are on a drug-fuelled road trip through the desert, destination Las Vegas …(more)

Sepultura (#2 Necropolis Trilogy) by Guy Portman

Sepultura is a satirical black comedy featuring unforgettable sociopath, Dyson Devereux. Click here to get #1 for FREE. (800+ Ratings for Necropolis Trilogy on Goodreads)

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down …(more)

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness by Craig Stone

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness is a bizarre and humorous novel about the author’s time spent living homeless in a park. Craig has to deal with a multitude of issues that are alien to us home dwellers.

My Review: The author Craig Stone is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the predictability and banality of his everyday existence. Deciding that it is better to live dreaming than to …(more)

Tomorrow’s World Front Cover Reveal

Aug 24 2018

This is the front cover for Tomorrow’s World, my forthcoming satirical book of vignettes about the future.

I hope you like it as much as I do.

Tomorrow’s World will consist of short, sardonic scenes that take you year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, virtual reality, celebrity worship, hyper-branding, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age.

This quick read (40,521 words) will appeal to those who like humour and satire.

Tomorrow’s World will be released in November.

AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

16 Quotes About The Future

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8 Books That Made Me Laugh

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6 Transgressive Fiction Reading Recommendations

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Books, The Crayfish and Me

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Tomorrow’s World Blurb Reveal

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12 Peculiar Books

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6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

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12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

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6 Recommended Humour Books

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Tomorrow’s World Front Cover Reveal

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AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

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