AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

PORTMAN'S PONDERINGS, PROCRASTINATIONS, PREAMBLES, PROGNOSES & PARODIES.

1
Tomorrow’s World
2
10 Ludicrous Books
3
6 Dark Humour Books
4
5 Satires Penned by British Authors
5
15 Bizarre Books
6
What is a sociopath to do?
7
My Reading List
8
5 Controversial Transgressive Novels
9
My Blogging Reflections
10
14 Fascinating Book Facts

Tomorrow’s World

Doomsayers have been predicting the death of the novel for years. Recently, author Zadie Smith talked of novel-nausea, and journalist and novelist Will Self has even gone so far as to say that the novel is ‘absolutely doomed’. Whether the novel is set to go the way of the dinosaurs is debateable, but literary ennui does appear to be on the rise. Reasons for this include the digitalisation of print culture, ever increasing pressures on our time and social media.

‘We’re in an era of ever-shortening attention spans. For example, I just checked Twitter 12 times while writing that sentence.’ — Adam Riley, comedian

As for me, I want to write more novels (4 to date) but I also want to experiment with shorter, attention grabbing literary forms, hence my decision to pen a darkly humorous, satirical book of vignettes about the future. It will take the form of short, sardonic scenes that take the reader year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, virtual reality, extreme celebrity worship, hyper-branding, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. Tomorrow’s World will be released late this year.

In the interim you might enjoy my satirical black comedy,  Necropolis.  Click here to sign up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter and to claim your free copy. You can unsubscribe at any time. Necropolis is the first part in a proposed trilogy. Part Two: Sepultura, was released earlier this year.

What is a sociopath to do? 

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ 

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘A satirical gem’

10 Ludicrous Books

This week sees the second and final instalment in my bizarre book series highlights. Here are 10 bizarre/ludicrous book titles.

 

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

 

25 Placenta Recipes

placenta-recipes
Finally! I have grown tired of plain boiled placentas.

 

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

 

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

 

Innards And Other Variety Meats

Yummy!

 

Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook

semenology

Let this book be a warning to all those who treat bartenders badly.

 

Cards As Weapons

cards-as-weapons

Using cards as throwing stars can be very useful when you are poised to lose money on a card game.

 

The Goldflower Book of Business Greetings

Ever wondered why you always fail interviews? Next time you have an interview, try introducing yourself with the above handshake.

 

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

 

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

 

 

6 Dark Humour Books

This week sees the second instalment in my dark humour book series. Here are five darkly humorous books that I have read and one that I have written. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk 

Damned is a light-hearted satire of hell, punctuated with comical details, pop-culture references and Theological irony.

My Review: The protagonist is thirteen-year-old Madison, the daughter of wealthy alternative parents.  The privileged Madison studies at an exclusive Swiss boarding school and spends her holidays alternating …(more)

Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis 

Lunar Park is a self-indulgent suburban horror that forces the reader to travel back through Easton Ellis’s old books.

My Review: Lunar Park is a mock memoir that begins with a parodic account of Bret Easton Ellis’s early fame. The young New York resident’s existence consists of endless parties, casual relationships, spiralling drug use, embarrassing book tours and …(more)

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh 

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction whose main focus is many of its characters increasing obsession with heroin.

My Review: Skagboys is the prequel to Trainspotting. Its colourful, mostly young characters hail from the Edinburgh port suburb of Leith. There is the bookish, unambitious Mark ‘Rents’ Renton, and his best friend, the verbose, predatory womaniser Sick Boy …(more)

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk 

Rant

Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires, motives and beliefs.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the small rural town where …(more)

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd 

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. This unpredictable serio-comedy’s blend of tragedy and black humour appealed to this reader.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in colonial East Africa, where the British and their native conscripts are …(more)

Sepultura (#2 Necropolis Trilogy) by Guy Portman

Sepultura is a caustic black comedy featuring an unforgettable sociopath. Click here to get #1 for FREE. 800+ Ratings for Necropolis Trilogy on Goodreads.

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down …(more)

5 Satires Penned by British Authors

I am an avid fan of satire. I have penned two satirical novels to date and have read numerous satirical works, including these five novels, which were all penned by my fellow countrymen. Click on the links to read my reviews.

 

Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh (1930)

Published in 1930, Vile Bodies is a satirical novel whose primary purpose is satirising decadent 1920s London society. The book’s whimsical tone progressively gives way to a bleaker narrative.

My Review: Author Adam plans to marry his fiancé Nina Blount, but he does not have enough money to convince his disinterested, aristocratic beau to tie the knot. Every time Adam feels certain that his financial position is poised to change …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Upper classes

 

Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons (1932)

Light-hearted and wryly humorous, this satirical work lampoons the romanticised, often doom-laden ‘loam and lovechild’ novels of the 19th and early 20th century.

My Review: Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the ramshackle and backward Cold Comfort Farm, is no bucolic utopia …(more)

Subject Satirised:Loam and lovechild novels

 

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (1932)

Brave New World

This dystopian work utilises erudite social commentary and subtle satire to explore mankind’s inherent nature. Huxley’s portentous vision has proven to be prescient.

My Review: Brave New World is set in a society where everything is controlled. The parentless, manufactured, free-loving population are dependent on a state-endorsed hallucinogenic, happiness drug called Soma …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Society, technology & totalitarianism

 

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd (1982)

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. This unpredictable serio-comedy’s blend of tragedy and black humour appealed to this reader.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in colonial East Africa, where the British and their native conscripts are pitted against the …(more)

Subjects Satirised: War & English Upper Class

 

High-Rise by J. G. Ballard (1975)

Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. Its motif is the fragmentation of the social order.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three main characters – Robert Laing, an instructor at a medical school …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Contemporary living arrangements & society at large

Have you signed up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter? If not, click here. You will also receive a FREE copy of my satirical, black comedy, Golgotha.

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

15 Bizarre Books

I am fascinated by bizarre books, and have devoted numerous blog posts to the subject in recent years. This week’s post consists of some of the highlights. Here are 15 books that I consider to be bizarre. I have added pithy comments/fictitious dialogue below each.

 

Gadsby: A Lipogram Novel

Gadsby2

This 50,000+ word lipogram novel claims not to use the letter e.

How many e’s can you spot on the front cover?

 

Nuclear War Fun Book

Who would have thought nuclear war could be so much fun.

 

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

 

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Would you trust the author to make you disappear when he can’t spell disappear?

 

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

 

How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety

gun-safety-cat

Owner: Yes Tiddles, approach the gun like that.

Tiddles: Meow, meow, purr.

Owner: That is the safety switch. Do not turn it off. No!

Tiddles: Meow, hiss!

Owner: Not the trigger. NOOO!

Bang!

 

Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas

Dollar Dating

Go to McDonald’s with your date and order a grilled onion cheddar burger from the dollar menu, then pull out 99c and plead until they let you off the 1c. Now cut the burger in 2 and give her/him half, but with all the onions.

Date: ‘All the onions? That’s so kind. Are you sure?’

You: ‘Yes I’m sure. Now eat them before I change my mind.’

 

The Book of Marmalade

marmalade

For those of us who spreading it on our toast is not enough.

 

How to Abandon Ship

Abandon Ship

Brimming with helpful tips from Argentine sailors.

 

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say “No” to Drugs

Horse

This is how I imagine Latawnya the Naughty Horse learns how to say ‘No’ to drugs.

Someone walks into Latawnya’s stable holding some drugs.

Person: ‘Hi Latawnya you naughty horse, would you like some drugs?’

Latawnya: ‘Neighhhh.’

‘Let’s try that again shall we. Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhh.’

‘Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhno.’

Latawyna has learnt to say no to drugs. Have you?

 

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

gnome

You mean to tell me that gnomes are not only the height of bad taste, they also attack.

 

Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich

Spoons Reich

Not interested. I only collect 3rd Reich forks.

 

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

 

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

 

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

What is a sociopath to do?

For a limited time only I am re-offering a FREE copy of my black comedy Necropolis to everyone who signs up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter. If you like dark humour you’ll love Necropolis. Click here to claim your Free Copy.

Necropolis is the first instalment of a proposed trilogy featuring Dyson Devereux, the sociopathic head of Burials and Cemeteries at his local council.

What is a sociopath to do?

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a mix between The Office and American Psycho’ – Amazon Reviewer

Click here to see the 74 ratings & reviews for Necropolis on Goodreads.

The sequel was released earlier this year.

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘A satirical gem’

Sepultura Goodreads link.

Compulsive and brimming with satirical wit, Sepultura is a caustic black comedy featuring an unforgettable sociopath. Sepultura is available from all major retailers as a paperback and eBook.

Click here to sign up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter and claim your FREE copy of the first instalment in my black comedy trilogy  Necropolis.

 

 

 

My Reading List

As Frank Zappa once famously said, ‘So many books, so little time.’ I am sure many of you can empathise with that, I certainly can. As well as keeping busy writing (4 novels to date) I like to read. My writing genre is dark humour/satire. Because of this I tend to read a lot of books that fall into this category. However, I am something of an eclectic reader. Today, I would like to share with you a few books from my ever-growing TBR list.

Yes, I am aware the above is a picture of a dog not a book cover. Trigga has picked up some unsavoury habits of late, possibly from his owner. As a result I have decided to deviate from my usual reading matter to read …

The Dog Listener

Wish me luck.

I have not read much Irvine Welsh, but I was immensely impressed by Skagboys which I read earlier this year. My next Welsh book will be … What a great title, marabou storks are terrifying creatures.

Marabou Stork Nightmares

American Gods

Goodreads members have been raving about American Gods for a long time. It is high time that I read it.

Bret Easton Ellis has certainly had an influence on me and my writing. I didn’t think much of Lunar Park though. Hopefully this will be better.

Imperial Bedrooms

When it comes to entertainment, you can’t beat prison breaks. Somehow, I have never got around to reading:

Papillon

Like its prequel Blood Ties promises to be a gritty Manchester-based crime novel.

Blood Ties

The word ‘scarface’ was enough to prompt me to add the below to my to-read list. Just as many the world over, the film Scarface had a profound effect on me.

Hotel Scarface

The Journey of Crazy Horse

I have always been fascinated by indigenous Americans. Crazy Horse is an iconic figure and I have high hopes for this book.

Fiend

If you know you me, you will know that I cannot resist Transgressive Fiction hence the inclusion of Fiend on my TBR.

Have you signed up to my monthly book-related newsletter? Click here to do so.

5 Controversial Transgressive Novels

I am an avid reader and writer of Transgressive Fiction, and the proud proprietor of the world’s largest resource for Transgressive Fiction (this website).

Because of the ‘deviant’ nature of their protagonists, Transgressive Fiction has often been viewed as controversial. Here are five works of Transgressive Fiction that have caused controversy. They are presented in chronological order. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller (1934)

Tropic of Cancer

Why Controversial: It was Tropic of Cancer‘s candid sexual content that led to it being banned from being imported into the United States after its publication in France in 1934. In 1964 the U.S. Supreme Court deemed it to be non-obscene in a landmark verdict.

My Review: Set in the late 1920s and early 30s, Tropic of Cancer is a semi-autobiographical first-person account of a young, struggling American writer living in Paris, and for a short period Le Havre. His is a seedy existence, characterised by a shortage of money …(more)

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov (1955) 

Lolita

Why Controversial: Citing the book’s controversial subject matter and perceived pornographic content, the UK Home Office confiscated all copies of the book in 1955. Lolita was banned in France the following year, but never in the US. It continues to cause controversy to this day.

My Review: The protagonist, Humbert Humbert, is an intellectual with an all-consuming craving for young girls, or nymphets as he refers to them. After his wife leaves him for another man, Humbert Humbert becomes a live-in tutor for the Hazes …(more)

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (1962)

Why Controversial:  In 1973 a bookseller in Utah was arrested for selling A Clockwork Orange. The text has been banned in various High Schools and libraries down the years in the US. Much of the controversy surrounding the book is because of its violent film adaptation.

My Review: Alex is an eccentric 15-year-old delinquent with a penchant for classical music and drinking milk. He and his fellow ‘droogs’ assault, rob and rape with impunity, that is until a serious incident sees him arrested and incarcerated. Our anti-hero is anticipating …(more)

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr. (1964)

Why Controversial: This cult classic was lauded by many at the time of its publication and continues to be to this day. However, its candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics drew the ire of the authorities in the UK, where it was subjected to an obscenity trial. The book was banned in Italy.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s unreciprocated love for a hoodlum. The protagonist of another is a callous, heavy-drinking prostitute, hell-bent on …(more)

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (1991) 

American Psycho

Why Controversial: Even before its publication American Psycho received damning criticism for its graphic violence and perceived misogynistic content.  The book was banned in Canada and Queensland (Australia). In the rest of Australia and New Zealand its sale remains restricted to over eighteen’s.

My Review: American Psycho is a highly controversial novel that brought its author Bret Easton Ellis instant fame. The book is written from the perspective of a young Wall Street financier, Patrick Bateman. Patrick is intelligent, well-educated, wealthy and …(more)

About me.

 

 

My Blogging Reflections

I have been doing this blog for over six years now. My first post on the 12th March 2012 was about my trip to Miami, a city which is everything I am not – sunny, loud, brash, beach-orientated. The post was followed four days later with another, dedicated to my first ever trip to Taco Bell. A Fort Lauderdale, Florida Taco Bell to be precise. Back at home in London, England I continued blogging on a weekly basis, every Friday afternoon. And I have been doing so ever since. Nowadays I live in the quintessential English countryside in West Sussex, but one thing hasn’t changed, I am still blogging every Friday, at 16:03. Somebody said to me the other day – ‘Why? Why do you blog?’

‘I am a creature of habit.’

‘But surely you have better ways to spend your time?’

‘No, I don’t.’

Initially the plan was to blog in order to promote my books (4 to date, a 5th on the way). But you can only promote your own books so much, and at any rate the link between blogging and book sales is I believe tenuous at best for the vast majority of authors,  this one included. Most of my posts are dedicated to other authors’ books and book facts, with occasional travel-related posts, including several cemetery tours at home and abroad. I like cemeteries. They feature heavily in two of my books.

Here is a summary of what I have penned since I begun this blog (not including shopping lists etc.)

Four novels:

Charles Middleworth – An insightful story of the unexpected

Symbiosis – Explores our enduring fascination with twins

Necropolis – What is a sociopath to do?

Sepultura – A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long

When I started out I knew I wanted to write, but was not sure what. Dark humour is now my genre of choice. Necropolis and its recently-released sequel Sepultura fit best into this category. Necropolis now has 69 ratings and reviews on Goodreads. I will be releasing a fifth book later this year. Further information to be released in due course.

In addition to my books and a weekly blog post, I have penned 126 book reviews, all of which can be found in the book review section of this blog. There are many genres to be found there, non Fiction as well as Fiction. There is a particular focus on dark fiction, much of it humorous. The quality of my book reviews range from good to bad to ugly. However, I believe they have improved exponentially with the passage of time. I have after all had a fair bit of practice. If you haven’t already check them out. Maybe you will find a book/s you want to read.

And if you like dark humour/Transgressive Fiction you might consider adding one of mine to your TBR list. Here is a link to my Goodreads author page. If you’ve read and liked Necropolis or Sepultura, it would be much appreciated if you could spare a second to ‘vote’ for them on one of these Goodreads listopia lists:

Literary Dark Humour

Best Transgressive Fiction

Funny Irreverent Novels

As for me I will keep blogging every Friday afternoon at 16:03.

And one last thing, I will be announcing the winners of my prize draw on Sunday (15th April).

 

 

 

 

14 Fascinating Book Facts

This week whilst whiling away some time on the internet, I discovered some interesting and in some instances ludicrous book-related ‘facts’ that have not previously made an appearance here on my blog. Before I share them a quick reminder about my book prize draw (ends Apr 15th). Further details can be found at the bottom of this post. Without further ado here are the facts:

Ever wondered which is the most banned book in America? The Harry Potter books are said to be the most banned in America. This is due to religious complaints, primarily from Evangelical Christian groups.

It transpires that there is a use for Mills & Boon novels after all. The M6 toll road was built on 2.5 million copies of pulped Mills & Boon novels.

The most expensive book ever is allegedly Codex Leicester by Leonardo Da Vinci. According to Business Insider Bill Gates paid $30.8 million (half an hour’s salary) for a copy.

It has been claimed that the first book written on a typewriter was Mark Twain’s Life on the Mississippi

President Theodore Roosevelt read at least one book per day. The same number as the present incumbent has read in a lifetime then.

The top 3 most read books in the world are: The Holy Bible, Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-Tung and the Harry Potter series.

As of mid-2017, there were an estimated 134,399,411 total published books in the world.  That is a lot of books. No wonder us authors have such a hard job selling them.

Have you ever wondered how all those Gideons Bibles end up in hotel rooms? I certainly have. They are distributed by Gideons International, an organisation set up with the sole purpose of distributing Bibles. Gideons are said to have distributed over 2 billion Bibles at a rate of 2 Bibles per second/7,200 per hour. Staggering. Not to mention bad news for the World’s tree population.

Prior to Bill Gates’s book spending splurge, the most expensive book ever was allegedly the 1640 Bay Psalm book. It sold at auction for $14.2 million

The Powell’s City of Books bookstore in Oregon takes up an entire city block (1.6 acres/68,000 square feet) of retail space. (see picture below).

Aristophanes’ play Assemblywomen contains the longest word in Greek – 171 letters. It is the name of a fictional food dish. Here it is translated into English – Lopado­­temacho­­selacho­­galeo­­kranio­­leipsano­­drim­­hypo­­trimmato­­silphio­­parao­­melito­­katakechy­­meno­­kichl­­epi­­kossypho­­phatto­­perister­­alektryon­­opte­­kephallio­­kigklo­­peleio­­lagoio­­siraio­­baphe­­tragano­­pterygon. I am so pleased I was never given the part that has this word in the school play.

Did you know that books often used to be chained to shelves in libraries, in order to prevent borrowing stealing?

The slowest-selling book ever is reputedly a 1716 translation of the New Testament from Coptic into Latin. The last of its 500 copies was sold in 1907.

The first book described as a ‘best-seller’ was Fools of Nature by Dan Alice Brown (1899).

About me.

Enter my prize draw and win a rare, signed, first edition copy of Chuck Palahniuk’s Haunted (Worth: £122.21/$170.70) + more dark humour book prizes must be won. Click Here to Enter.

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