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Absurd Literary-Related Trivia

Sep 09 2016

This week’s post is devoted to 13 absurd literary-related facts. Here goes:

Pile of Books

In 1931 the governor of Hunan, China banned Alice in Wonderland because he believed animals should not be using human language.

None of the 3 best-known tales of the Arabian Nights are contained in the Arabian Nights. Aladdin, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, and the Seven Voyages of Sinbad the Sailor were all later additions.

Victor T. Cheney is the author of Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages.

Winnie-the-Pooh was banned from a Polish playground because ‘he’s a half-naked hermaphrodite.’

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Danielle Steel is one of the world’s best-selling living authors. She has sold over 800 million books.

The Romance literary genre has 36 sub genres.

Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham uses only 50 different words.

Aristophanes’s play Assemblywoman contains the longest word in Greek. It is the name of a fictional food dish, and it has 171 letters. Here it is: Lopadotemachoselachogaleokranioleipsanodrimhypotrimmatosilphioparaomelitokatakechymenokichlepikossyphophattoperisteralektryonoptekephalliokigklopeleiolagoiosiraiobaphetraganopterygon.

ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON is the author of Birth Control Is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and Also Robbing God of Priesthood. Every letter in the book capitalised.

According to the American Library Association the Harry Potter series are the most frequently challenged books in America. Some religious parents argue that it promotes witchcraft.

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In Russia Winnie-the-Pooh is on an official list of banned ‘extremist’ material. This is because a senior official was found to own a picture of Pooh clad in swastika-adorned clothes.

Punk Literature (related to punk subculture) has 13 established sub genres. They are: Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Biopunk, Bugpunk, Transistorpunk, Nanopunk, Decopunk, Atompunk, Teslapunk, Clockpunk, Splatterpunk & Mythpunk…

50 Shades of Grey is Britain’s best-selling book of all time.

A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who can’t read. — Author Guy Portman

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I am the author of 3 books. More to follow.

15 Curious Literary Terms

Sep 02 2016

This week’s post is dedicated to curious literary terms that might be of interest to my fellow authors and readers. They are presented in alphabetical order.

Bibliognost — a person who has a comprehensive knowledge of books and bibliography.

Bibliosmia — a fetishism, which entails the compulsion to smell books, particularly old books.

Bibliotaph — people who hide their book collections. These obsessive types often fear their books being ‘borrowed’ by others and not returned.

Boghandler — Danish word for ‘bookseller’.

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Bouquinist — a person who deals in old books of little value.

Fabliau — a humorous and course short story relayed in verse, usually entailing sexual intrigue and/or pranks. They are chiefly found in early French poetry.

Flyting — a contest consisting of the exchange of insults conducted in verse between two parties, usually poets.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia — the fear of long words.

Librocubicultarist — people who read in bed. This literary slang term is yet to be included in the dictionary, but it is surely only a matter of time.

Omnilegent — someone who has read extensively/is well acquainted with a great amount of literature.

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Rhapsodomancy — is the practice of predicting the future by picking a passage of poetry at random.

Scripturient — this outdated term refers to someone who has a strong urge to write.

Sesquipedalian — a person who is prone to using overly long words. (e.g. Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia).

Stichomancy — predicting the future from lines of verse chosen from random books.

Tsundoku — a Japanese word for the condition that is acquiring lots of books and then not getting round to reading them.

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Bizarre Books II

Aug 26 2016

Here is Part II of my Bizarre Books Series. As with Part 1 I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

God Locker

Because you forgot the key.

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Dissapear

Would you trust the author to make you disappear when he can’t spell disappear?

How to Abandon Ship

Abandon Ship

Brimming with helpful tips from Argentine sailors.

Is God In Your Bedroom?

God Bedroom

Well he’s not behind the door or in the wardrobe.

Extreme Ironing

Extreme Ironing

I don’t know about you, but I need to learn how to iron a shirt with the creases in the right places before attempting any extreme ironing.

Hitler: Neither Vegetarian Nor Animal Lover

Hitler

When in his countryside residence, Berghof, Hitler would march around the grounds munching on schnitzels whilst ranting at any livestock he came across with non Aryan characteristics. ‘Unter tier. Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei verboten unter tier…’

How To Sharpen Pencils

Pencils

Insert pencil into sharpener and rotate. Repeat until pencil is sharp.

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

Mother Theresa

Publishing Company CEO: ‘Are you the jackass who agreed to publish this book?’

Employee: ‘Err yes … I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that the title could be deemed offensive to some.’

Publishing Company CEO: ‘The Vatican has declared us to be heretics. You’re finished here. Clear your desk!’

We Never Went To The Moon

Moon

Author: ‘Do you believe NASA of the USA ever set foot on the moon in and after 1969 or do you doubt it?’

‘I can honestly say I’ve never given it any thought. On another subject did you use WordArt to design your front cover? … You did didn’t you.’

Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich

Spoons Reich

Not interested. I only collect 3rd Reich forks.

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7 Satirical Novels

Aug 19 2016

As followers of this blog know I am an enthusiastic satire reader and writer. This week’s post is dedicated to 7 satirical novels.

Satire definition: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly...

Candide by Voltaire (1759)

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology during The Enlightenment. Voltaire adroitly sought to dispel the belief that all is for the best when it is not.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds…(more)

My Opinion: Amusing

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (1884)

Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery.

My Review: 13-year-old Huckleberry Finn is living in Missouri with a widow who plans to ‘sivilize’ him. That is until his alcoholic father relocates him to an isolated cabin in the woods. Huck fakes his own death and escapes…(more)

My Opinion: Okay but turgid.

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (1932)

Brave New World

Brave New World utilises erudite social commentary to explore mankind’s inherent nature. Huxley’s portentous vision has proven to be prescient in its prediction of a science-controlled, consumer culture.

My Review: Brave New World is set in a society where everything is controlled. The parentless, manufactured, free-loving population are dependent on a state-endorsed hallucinogenic, happiness drug called Soma…(more)

My Opinion: Very good

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Catch-22

Catch-22 is a satire whose central theme is the futility of war. The book employs a distinctive writing style, an innovative out of sequence narration of events, imaginative descriptions, paradox and grandiloquent language.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts to…(more)

My Opinion: A rambling text

High-Rise by J.G. Ballard (1975)

High-Rise

Replete with similes and occurrences of the word ‘percolate’, High-Rise is a tense, bleak and satirical book about conflict that explores the connection between technology and the human condition.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three main characters…(more)

My Opinion: Quite good

Death And The Penguin by Andrey Kurkov (1996)

Death And The Penguin

Set in the post-Soviet Ukraine of the 1990s, Death And The Penguin is a bizarre, bleak, surreal and at times darkly humorous crime novel and tragicomedy that combines political and social commentary.

My Review: Kiev resident and journalist Viktor lives in a small flat with Misha, his pet Emperor Penguin, purchased from the near destitute city zoo. Viktor has ambitions of becoming a novelist or short story writer…(more)

My Opinion: Okay

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk (2007)

Rant

Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires, motives and beliefs. There are obvious parallels with the gospels.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the small rural town where…(more)

My Opinion: Thought-provoking but convoluted.

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‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

My Peruvian Culinary Tour

Aug 12 2016

Last week I wrote about my recent trip to Cotahuasi Canyon in Peru. Today’s post is dedicated to my Peruvian culinary experiences.

Ceviche is a seafood dish popular in the coastal regions of Peru. The seafood is cooked not by heat but by the acidity of the lime/lemon juice it is soaked in. The acid changes the structure of the proteins in the fish, essentially “cooking” it. Ceviche was the first meal I ate in Peru. See below.

There are numerous other seafood dishes including chicharron de camarones (fried shrimps).

And here is some Peruvian-inspired sushi.

Anticuchos (grilled beef hearts) are extremely popular in Peru, and for good reason.

Not all the food in Peru looks appealing as these cow faces testify. No idea what you are supposed to do with them.

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The only thing that made me ill was a pizza made with very slightly rancid cheese. 48 hours later and 3 kilograms lighter I found myself pinning for pizza once again. I got lucky second time around.

Below is a picture of me drinking a mug of quinoa juice at a bus station in Cotahuasi Canyon. The juice is so viscous it is more akin to food than drink.

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In Cotahuasi Canyon the population thrive on a healthy diet that in addition to quinoa includes avocado and trucha (trout) from the canyon’s river.

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Meals aren’t always easy to come by in the canyon. When I wasn’t dining on the above I survived on bread and the aptly named Sublime, a brand of chocolate sold throughout the province.

After returning to the city of Arequipa from my all night bus ride I was feeling very hungry so I ordered this steak and chips.

Realising that I had forgotten to order salad, I said to the waiter, ‘Salada por favor.’

Waiter: ‘¿Salada?’

Me: ‘Si, salada.’

The waiter disappeared, emerging moments later with a salt mill which he plonked on my table.

‘Non salt. Salada. Sa-lada.’ I was prodding at the salad option on the menu as I said this.

Waiter: ‘AH. Sa-la-da.’

Below is an alpaca kebab I had in Cusco. It tasted rather like lamb if I remember correctly.

For dessert I had this award winning decadent chocolate creation, which I considered to be overly ornate, but it tasted good.

Pisco sour is a popular alcoholic drink in Peru.

No Peruvian culinary tour would be complete without guinea pig, or cuy as they refer to them in Spanish. Below is a picture of me about to tuck into this Andean speciality.

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In Cusco guinea pigs are served roasted (see below) whilst in the south they tend to be fried. What did I think of the guinea pig? Pleasant enough though rather hard work. There is a lot of fat on a guinea pig you see, but not much in the way of meat.

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Cotahuasi Canyon

Aug 05 2016

This week we take a sojourn from the usual literary-related theme. As I have recently returned from Peru I am dedicating this post to my travels there.

After visiting Lima, Cusco and Machu Picchu I was in dire need of a break from poncho clad tourists, so I headed to the remote Cotahuasi Canyon. The canyon is a 9 hour bus journey from the southern city of Arequipa.

Any fatigue was forgotten on arrival.

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Below is a picture of me posing beside a cactus.

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Travelling to different parts of the canyon entails traversing its unpaved roads in public buses.

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The view from the bus.

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The roads are often blocked with debris from avalanches (see below).

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Memorials are a regular sight on the canyon’s roads.

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Away from the road the canyon is an idyllic place.

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Every village in the canyon has a church.

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And most have a bullring.

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Living conditions in the canyon can be rudimentary.

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Donkeys are the only mode of transport in the more remote villages where it appears little has changed for hundreds of years.

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That is until I ventured into a house.

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Canyon residents gathered outside a dwelling.

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And this is a bridge I had to cross. Note the man taking a nap in the middle. Did I mention that I’m scared of heights.

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Fortunately the bridge was in fairly good condition.

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The same cannot be said of the next bridge.

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These are agricultural terraces built by the pre Incan Wari people.

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Below is a picture of my guide posing in the Wari Cemetery.

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The human bones here date to about 700 A.D.

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Is there anything in this world as cathartic as water and a blue sky?

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A forest of cactuses.

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On my last day in the canyon I ventured too far from the town to get back in time for the once daily bus back to Arequipa. I was fortunate to come across this motorised rickshaw. I made it back just in time.

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Bridges not withstanding I thoroughly enjoyed my 3 days trekking in Cotahuasi Canyon.

26 Quotes about Books, Reading and Writing

Jul 29 2016

I like quotes by famous authors so much that I Tweet one everyday, 365 days a year at @GuyPortman. Here are 26 memorable author quotes, many of which are humorous.

Never judge a book by its movie. – J.W. Eagan

Few things in life seem more sexy than a banned book. – Chuck Palahniuk

I have only ever read one book in my life, and that is White Fang. It’s so frightfully good I’ve never bothered to read another. – Nancy Mitford

This Is Not a Novel To Be Tossed Aside Lightly. It Should Be Thrown with Great Force. – Dorothy Parker

Pile of Books

The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. – Oscar Wilde

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. – Markus Herz

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. – Jerry Seinfield

I know many books which have bored their readers, but I know of none which has done real evil. – Voltaire

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one. – Robert Byrne

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read. – Mark Twain

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. – P. J. O’Rourke

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The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. – Mark Twain

I was reading a book… ‘the history of glue’ – I couldn’t put it down. – Tim Vine

Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house. – Henry Ward Beecher

Books had instant replay long before televised sports. – Bern Williams

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes. – John LeCarre

If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking. – Haruki Murakami

Reading is a discount ticket to everywhere. – Mary Schmich

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright

‘Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read. – Mark Twain

So many books, so little time. – Frank Zappa

Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels? – Chuck Palahniuk

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. – Flannery O’Connor

To hold a pen is to be at war. – Voltaire

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

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10 Recent & Contemporary Literary Satirists

Jul 22 2016

Last time out it was history’s great literary satirists. Today we focus on more recent and contemporary satirists. They are presented in chronological order.

George Orwell
(June 25th 1903 – January 21st 1950)

George Orwell was vehemently opposed to totalitarianism. He used political satire to criticise Stalin’s rule in his allegorical novella, Animal Farm. Stalin’s representative in the book is the pig Napoleon. Orwell’s dystopian novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four, is a satirical political commentary on totalitarianism.

Aldous Huxley (July 26th 1894 – November 22nd 1963)

Huxley was one of the great intellectuals of his generation. His seminal work, Brave New World, is considered to be amongst the most influential novels of the 20th Century. It employs erudite social commentary to explore and satirise our obsession with consumption and technology.

Evelyn Waugh
(October 28th 1903 – April 10th 1966)

Waugh was a journalist and author, who was known for his humour and savage satirical wit. He is widely considered to be one of the greatest prose satirists of the 20th Century. Amongst his most famous works is the WWII trilogy Sword of Honour.

Dorothy Parker (August 22nd 1893 – June 7th 1967)

Critic, short story writer and poet Dorothy Parker was renowned for her sense of humour and satirising abilities. She was prone to satirising the middle classes. Satire of the humorous, sarcastic variety is present in much of her poetry, including Résumé and One Perfect Rose.

P. G. Wodehouse (October 15th 1881 – February 14th 1975)

Author P. G. Wodehouse was a famous 20th Century humourist. He used parody and ridicule in his comic fiction to satirise elements within society, particularly the English upper classes. His characters though ridiculous are generally likeable.

Joseph Heller(May 1st 1923 – December 12th 1999)

Satirical novelist, short story writer and playwright Joseph Heller is best remembered for his novel Catch-22. The story is about a group of soldiers fighting in WWII. This absurdist work sees the author employing relentless ludicrousness to chastise warfare.

Kurt Vonnegut
(November 11th 1922 – April 11th 2007)

Vonnegut was a prolific postmodern author, whose seminal work was the satirical, anti war themed Slaughterhouse-Five (1969). The book explores notions such as fate, free will, the meaning of life and the futility of war – serious messages that are coated with humour.

Terry Pratchett
(April 28th 1948 – March 12th 2015)

Terry Pratchett was the author of the Discworld series of 41 novels. The fantasy series features satire of the comedic variety. Numerous issues facing contemporary society are explored, including politics, bribery, human behaviour and corruption, particularly with regards to the ruling elite.

Tom Wolfe (Born March 2nd 1931)

Journalist Tom Wolfe initially wrote only non-fiction, but later turned his hand to fiction. His first novel, The Bonfire of the Vanities (1987) is a satirical work whose themes include politics, ambition and greed. His third novel, I Am Charlotte Simmons, is replete with satirical wit.

Chuck Palahniuk
(Born: February 21st 1962)

Palahniuk is a transgressive author whose writing is brimming with dark humour, lurid descriptions and satirical observations. Amongst his favourite subjects to satirise are the media-saturated nature of society, our obsession with celebrities and the fate of the American working class.

10 of History’s Greatest Satirists

Jul 15 2016

Here are 10 great literary satirists from history. They are presented in chronological order:

Aristophanes (444 B.C. – 385 B.C.)

Ancient Athenian playwright Aristophanes’ plays are still performed to this day. Respected and feared for his comic wit and scathing satire, he was merciless in his mockery of religious figures, politicians and poets. His victims included such influential figures as Euripides, Cleon and Socrates.

Chaucer (1343 – October 25th 1400)

Chaucer was the Middle Ages most famous poet. He was also an ardent humorist, who was highly critical of the order of the day, particularly the Catholic Church. His most famous work, The Canterbury Tales, is rife with comedic social satire.

Erasmus (October 28th 1466 – July 12th 1536)

Erasmus was a Dutch priest, theologian and social critic. He is best remembered for his satirical attack on the superstitions of the Church in his essay, In Praise of Folly. It is considered one of the most important works of the Renaissance.

Francois Rabelais (February 4th 1494 – April 9th 1553)

Rabelais was a French Renaissance physician, monk and writer, who was famed for his satirical wit and crude sense of humour. His seminal work, The Life of Gargantua and of Pantagruel, is a comedic masterpiece that satirises many elements of the Renaissance.

Jonathan Swift
(November 30th 1667 – October 19th 1745)

Swift was a cleric and author. His most famous title, Gulliver’s Travels, is a satire on human nature. It was a bestseller on publication, and remains popular to this day. The author’s ironic writing style led to subsequent satires similar to his own being labelled ‘Swiftian’.

Voltaire (November 21st 1694 – May 30th 1778)

Voltaire was unrelenting in his criticism of the order of his day. His beliefs and determination to voice them resulted in 2 stints in The Bastille. Voltaire’s seminal work, the satirical Candide, was widely viewed as blasphemous and revolutionary at the time of its publication.

Jane Austen(December 16th 1775 – July 18th 1817)

English novelist Jane Austen’s novels remain popular to this day. She was a supreme social satirist, who employed irony to criticise and parody the social order. Subjects included social class and 19th century views of women, particularly regarding marriage.

Nikolai Gogol (March 31st 1809 – March 4th 1852)

Gogol was a short story writer, dramatist and author, who utilised comic realism and acerbic satire in his writing. His targets included what he viewed as the unseemly elements of Imperial Russia. Gogol’s descriptions of bureaucrats and Russian provincials influenced many later writers.

Mark Twain (November 30th 1835 – April 21st 1910)

Mark Twain was an American author and humourist best known for The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and its sequel Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The books are a satire of American southern antebellum society that parody religion, morality, and above all the practice of slavery.

Ambrose Bierce (June 24th 1842 – Circa 1914)

Bierce was a journalist, editorialist, writer and unrelenting satirist, whose satirical works include the lexicon, The Devil’s Dictionary, and the short story, An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. The derisive satire that he employed in his writing earned him the moniker ‘Bitter Bierce’.

Next week’s blog post will be dedicated to more recent and contemporary satirists.

If Authors Were Desserts IV

Jul 08 2016

This week we return to the subject of authors and the desserts that in my opinion their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

Leo Tolstoy Tolstoy