AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

PORTMAN'S PONDERINGS, PROCRASTINATIONS, PREAMBLES, PROGNOSES & PARODIES.

1
Mangetout Blurb Reveal
2
Mangetout Cover Reveal & A New Blurb.
3
Snow, Snacks, Steaks & Sunrises.
4
5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour.
5
Sweets, Sport, Scenery & Submission.
6
Titbits, Tissues & Turmoil.
7
The 21 Books I Read In 2020
8
The December Dark Fiction Bonanza.
9
Port, Pigeons & Pooches.
10
Winter Wonderland & Encroaching Christmas

Mangetout Blurb Reveal

Today, I am pleased to unveil the updated blurb for Mangetout (Release date: March 11th).

Trouble has a habit of finding some people. 

Kitchenhand Deron thinks he’s hit the jackpot when a routine delivery of vegetables turns out to be contraband. The problem is it belongs to somebody else. And they want it back.

Financier Hamish has got involved in the arms trade and business is good. However, he’s unwittingly made a formidable foe. One who will stop at nothing for revenge.

Ken’s fed up with the nine-to-five. An illegal venture with girlfriend Laura brings the job satisfaction he craves, but also attention from organised crime. This could all go horribly wrong. 

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read. 

‘Dangerously droll crime capers’ – Adam Riley, Comedian

Mangetout is my eighth book. I am currently hard at work on a ninth. Have a good weekend.

My Goodreads Author Page Link

Mangetout Cover Reveal & A New Blurb.

I’ve written a new book. Mangetout will be unleashed on the world on March 11th. It is a crime caper of sorts. Mangetout will appeal to fans of crime fiction and dark humour.

Trouble has a habit of finding some people. 

Hope you like it as much as I do. Red seems to fit the genre. After all red equals danger. Mangetout has the same format and virtually the same word count as my last effort, The Gazebo. It consists of three dark, acerbic tales that explore crime and class.

The plan was to share the blurb too today. I unveiled it to my mailing list subscribers last week. Unfortunately, I have since been presented with some data that suggests it will not convert well. I am currently rewriting it. If only I’d tested it prior to the designer designing the book’s back matter. I should know better by now. That’s the thing about experience – it only teaches the teachable.

I have however penned a new blurb for one of my other books – Tomorrow’s World. Some of my titles are wide, but Tomorrow’s World is an Amazon exclusive work. It’s ticking along in the Kindle Library, but I don’t feel it’s converting as well as it could.

If the new blurb works, great. If it needs some further polishing that option’s always open. Anyway, here it is:

Escape to the future with this hilarious and thought-provoking read.

Englishman Terrence has had enough of accountancy. After all, it’s been his job for over six decades. He’d bow out if the government didn’t keep increasing the mandatory retirement age. At this rate, Terrence will be working until doomsday. 

American plutocrat Walter has harnessed the power of age-defying medication and enjoys the life of a conceited centenarian. But many are fed up with his kind. If the situation doesn’t change fast, there could be a revolution. 

With its dark humour and gripping narrative, Tomorrow’s World paints a vivid picture of a future that’s a little too close for comfort.

‘Takes our current foibles and obsessions to their logical, gruesome and absurd conclusions’ – Adam Riley, Comedian

I could include the old blurb for comparison, but this post would be pretty long if I did that, so I’m not going to. If you want to see it get over to Amazon. You better hurry though because it’s poised to swap over any minute now. Have a good weekend.

Tomorrow’s World Amazon Link

Snow, Snacks, Steaks & Sunrises.

I’d forgotten the stuff existed. Hadn’t seen it in years.

The snow came as a big surprise. And a nostalgic one.

While we’re on the subject of nostalgia, it had been a long time since I had these. They were a staple of my formative years.

The dog wasn’t quite sure what to make of the snow.

Reading time.

Vegetarians, please avert your gaze.

Another week, another kebab.

A spot of sunbathing.

There have been some ascetically pleasing sunrises here of late.

Have a good weekend.

5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour.

Not a lot’s been going on this week, so it’s back to the trusted topic that is books. The following five books all contain dark humour. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Suttree

This brutal, bleak and at times humorous episodic tome (600+ pages) is a must for all dark fiction aficionados. 

My Review: Cornelius Suttree resides in a dilapidated houseboat on the Tennessee River, on the edge of Knoxville. He ekes out a living fishing in its murky waters; his primary …(more)

Disaster Inc.

Disaster Inc is the first instalment in a series by former Irish stand-up comedian and successful television writer Caimh McDonnell. 

My Review: Bunny McGarry is an Irishman in America on a mission to find someone. Hungover one morning, he is having breakfast at a diner, when …(more)

Survivor

Survivor is an innovative and erudite social commentary, brimming with satirical observations and irreverent humour.

My Review: Tender Branson, the last survivor of the Creedish Church cult, has hijacked an aeroplane, which is now flying on autopilot. His objective: to dictate his life story onto …(more)

A Decent Ride

This is one of Welsh’s lighter books. Its seediness, humour and bawdy Leith vernacular dialogue will appeal to many. 

My Review: Terry ‘Juice’ Lawson is an Edinburgh taxi driver who moonlights as a porn actor and drug fixer. Since losing his virginity at the age of eleven, he has …(more)

My Sister, The Serial Killer

The intriguing premise, darkly humorous elements and dialogue-heavy content make for an enduring combination.

My Review: Twins Koredie and Ayoola are very different. Conscientious Korede is a senior nurse in a hospital while the beautiful Ayoola is …(more)

Sweets, Sport, Scenery & Submission.

When it comes to cake, I tend to stick to chocolate. But variety is the spice of life, so they say. The other day, I had a sponge cake for a change. It was a birthday cake – not mine. It was rich and delicious.

Last Sunday, I indulged in some FA Cup in the bath. Tottenham Hotspur vs Marine. Very much a case of David vs Goliath. It wasn’t particularly entertaining.

I really appreciate being able to get outside during Lockdown.

My dog’s always been a fan of this spot. Last time I clambered up here, I fell off. The moss is pretty slippery when it’s wet. I won’t be trying it again anytime soon.

Green tea – one of life’s little pleasures. Rarely go a day without drinking the stuff.

A new author for a new year. This is the first book I’ve read by arrogant Frenchman and Islamophobe Houellebecq. Quite enjoying it so far.

Have a good weekend.

Titbits, Tissues & Turmoil.

We are in Lockdown yet again here in the UK, and it looks like it’s going to be the state of play for quite some time yet. As for me, I’ve adapted to it. I’m nothing if not versatile. Living in the countryside does make it easier in my opinion.

Something was interesting Trigga out there. He was stationed by the window for ages. Likely it was a squirrel, pigeon or pheasant.

The first kebab of 2021.

Anyone else a fan of baklava?

I’ve been doing some healthy eating too, in an effort to shift the layer of Xmas cake and baklava-induced fat from the waistline.

Here’s a tuna and egg salad I prepared earlier.

I went a little overboard with the broccoli one day and had to enlist some help to eat it.

The riot on Capital Hill was extraordinary. I wonder what Abraham Lincoln would have thought of it. In the future it could be viewed as an iconic moment in the demise of democracy.

I went to the supermarket the other day and it was the usual story. No Original Kleenex. It seems the stuff is becoming as rare as Amur Leopards. There’s alway loads of Balsam and Soft Kleenex, but no one wants it hence why there’s loads of it on the shelves I guess. Personally, I’d rather have no Kleenex than the balsam variety.

There’s been a cold snap here and I have been enjoying having fires in the evenings.

Have a good weekend.

The 21 Books I Read In 2020

Happy New Year everyone. As is my custom at this time of the year, I am devoting this blog post to the books that I read last year – the good, the bad and the ugly. Click on the titles to read my reviews. My hope is that you’ll find something here to add to your TBR. I am confident that you will.

Bottomless Cups by Joel Bresler This tepid, purportedly humorous offering is comprised for the most part of musings, quips and banter. 

Suttree by Cormac McCarthy This episodic tome boasts poetic prose and poignant and profane content. It is a must for all dark fiction aficionados.

The Rapture by Claire McGlasson It is loosely based on the ‘Panacea Society’, which followed the beliefs of a self-proclaimed 19th Century prophetess. A worthwhile read.

God Hates You Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible by C.J. Werleman – An irreverent dismantling of The Bible. The humour is puerile and distracting but there is also plenty of thought-provoking content to ponder.

Glue by Irvine Welsh This Transgressive novel is about four friends from Edinburgh. Glue is a meandering but also highly entertaining read.

Rest In Pieces: The Curious Fates of Famous Corpses by Bess Lovejoy This morbid read is brimming with interesting trivia. However, the matter-of-fact narration is relentless and monotonous. A book best dipped into.

Walden and Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau – Walden, which comprises the vast majority of this book, is an account of the author’s two years living in the New England wilderness. This is a rewarding but onerous read.

Spools of Red Twine by Rachel Pacelli Pretentious and laborious, this debut transgressive work is at least mercifully short.

My Sister, The Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite The intriguing premise, darkly humorous elements and dialogue-heavy content are an enduring combination. Excellent.

Six Days: How the 1967 War Shaped the Middle East by Jeremy Bowen – The book outlines in intricate detail Israel’s defeat of the Arab coalition. It is accessible and quite interesting but excessively long.

Disaster Inc by Caimh McDonnell This is the first instalment in a series by a former Irish stand-up comedian and successful television writer. It is humorous yet convoluted.

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy This episodic book is set in the 1800’s. It is almost unparalleled in its misanthropy and repugnant content. A superb novel.

Logging Off by Nick Spalding This ‘humorous’ novel has a pertinent theme; namely that we, or at least many of us, are spending way too much time online. But the message is banally communicated.

Black Hole Town by Henry Hinder This Transgressive novelette centres around two degenerate drinkers. An immensely impressive literary debut.

Out of the London Mist by Lyssa Medana The book boasts an unusual premise and an atmospheric, Gothic setting. I had some reservations. Overall all though this is a decent read.

Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut What the book lacks in plot, it makes up for in farcical, cartoonish content. I appreciated its shrewd social commentary.

A Decent Ride by Irvine Welsh This is a work of Transgressive Fiction with a hint of crime caper. It is one of transgressive maestro Welsh’s best offerings.

The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis A nihilistic, Transgressive novel about lost kids with no direction. It is chilling and authentic.

The Devil All The Time by Donald Ray Pollock This gothicesque, loosely assembled novel is replete with reprehensible rednecks, depraved content and frequent shifts in points of view. Utterly engrossing.

A Bolshevik Christmas by Yoel Bereket This satirical novella, set during The Cold War, merges reality with fantasy. It is repetitive and there is a great deal of unnecessary detail.

Written in Dead Wax by Andrew Cartmel Written in Dead Wax is the first instalment in The Vinyl Detective series. I found it to be convoluted and turgid.

Happy New Year. Click here to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter.

The December Dark Fiction Bonanza.

Happy Christmas everyone. I hope Santa brought you everything you wished for. If not don’t worry because I’ve got a present for you. But first I would like to share a picture of my Christmas Cake (Disclaimer: I didn’t make it). By the time you read this, it is probably half eaten.

I have teamed up with my fellow dark fiction authors to offer you a selection of 15 FREE dark fiction books. They include one of mine. The promotion ends on Sunday (27th).

December Dark Fiction Bonanza Link

All you have to do to claim your free book/s is to sign up to the given author’s mailing list. You can unsubscribe at any time. If you are already on my mailing list and want my title, just sign up again. I will remove any duplicates.

Happy Christmas and happy reading.

Port, Pigeons & Pooches.

Christmas is fast encroaching. Perhaps you are the type to get your presents well in advance, or maybe you are more the last minute kind of person. Personally, I like to prepare early. I’m boring that way.

These vintage ports are to be Christmas gifts. They are budget vintage ports, but vintage ports none the less.

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These pigeons poled up on my lawn yesterday morning for breakfast.

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How about this for a vantage point.

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Trigga likes this spot as he stays dry here when it’s raining, and it more often than not is.

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These are all his towels. It seems an insane amount for one dog but it’s muddy out there.

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My desktop computer’s been acting up recently. I also have a MacBook (laptop). However, the constricted keyboard gives me tendonitis. It’s strange because I typed several books on it and was unaffected, but once the condition reared its ugly head there was no going back. The tendonitis returns whenever I revert to the MacBook. It is a bit like malaria in that regard. I just got this new ergonomic keyboard to rectify the matter and my friend has lent me a monitor. This will hopefully prove to be a great short-term solution.

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Is that the time? I best get going, I’ve got a Christmas cake to buy.

Winter Wonderland & Encroaching Christmas

We are approaching Christmas and the end of what has been a wretched year for mankind. For us Brits we have the prospect of a no-deal Brexit to look forward to. So much for Johnson and Gove’s bravado. It appears to have been mere bluster. Things are looking bleak, in the short term at any rate.

As for me, I must confess that I have had a particularly unproductive week. It has consisted of online Christmas shopping, a trip to the clay pigeon school and a lot of day dreaming.

There is something enticing about the meek light of an afternoon winter’s sun.

When I go out for my morning walks, the moon has not yet gone to bed.

It’s misty in the woods when it has been raining.

The other day, I was looking out of my home office’s window when I noticed this remarkable sky.

Enough of the great outdoors. Let’s move on to TV remotes. Frequenters of this blog will be aware that only the other week I got a new ‘waterproof’ remote for my bathroom television. And now look at the state of it:

Might as well have used a non-waterproof one. A replacement is in the post I am told.

What a cozy spot.

I’ve been getting into the Christmas Spirit. It’s goose.

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