A Downtown bar in Miami – I find the cool darkened interior and the myriad of different sports playing on the numerous television screens appealing.  It is an environment where one does not appear out of place without friends in attendance.

Aware that Happy Hour is soon to end, I order two pints of Bud Light, a bargain at five dollars.  I hand over the money to the barman and return my attentions to the television.  The barman does not move.  I glance in his direction.  He departs muttering something under his breath.

The Following Evening – I walk into the same bar and order a pint of Bud Light.  I am in the process of sitting down when the barman (the same one from yesterday) informs me that he will not serve me and I am to leave.  Aware from several previous visits to this establishment that he is quite a jovial character, I assume this is some form of American humour that I am unfamiliar with.  Sitting down I say, ‘very funny’ and then repeat the order.

‘Out,’ shouts another man sitting at the far end of the bar.  Now conscious of the fact that this is not a jape, I am about to protest when I notice that the bearded and heavily tattooed man looking savagely at me is remarkably similar to one of those biker gang members’ with right wing tendencies I had seen on the television.  I leave the bar.  The barman shouts ‘butt head’ as the door closes behind me.  Utterly confused I am half way down the street before I remember that I had omitted to give a tip the previous evening and it must be this that resulted in their consternation.  This had been an oversight on my part and I scold myself for committing what is a cardinal sin in the USA.

A Miami Heat game is about to start and keen to watch it I decide to go to the only other bar I know in the immediate vicinity.  I approach the premises with trepidation, as the previous week prior to the visit to Mexico I had been involved in a minor altercation here.  I had been sitting contentedly at my table watching basketball when a young woman had approached my table and unannounced dragged away the chair adjacent to mine, resulting in several of my personal effects that were resting on it falling to the ground.  With no apology forthcoming, I had unwisely in hindsight made a comment about her expansive waistline.

The comment had been poorly received and I was berated by both her and her companions sitting at a neighbouring table, in a disorderly tirade of English and Spanish.  One of the males, who turned out to be the woman’s brother, appeared to be particularly angry.  He sounded exactly like a character out of the film Scarface though fortunately he was waving around a pastelito, (a snack popular with Cubans) as opposed to an automatic weapon, like in the film.  The argument had resulted in me, rather unfairly in my opinion being ejected by the bar staff.

Back in the present I approach the bar intrepidly and ask for a pint of Bud Light.  I am alarmed on recognising the barman as the same one from that evening.  He informs me that I am not welcome.  I consider arguing but decide against it and depart sombrely.

My guide is waiting for me at the main gate of the Chichen Itza complex; the most famous of Mexico’s numerous Mayan ruins.  He greets me with the words:

‘This is Chichen Itza not chicken pizza.’

I suspect that he has said this very same thing at least a million times before and wonder if anyone has ever found it remotely amusing.

The main feature of the Chichen Itza complex is Kukulcan Temple (see picture).  Until fairly recently tourists were able to clamber up its steep steps but several fatalities have brought an end to this practice and one must now be content with merely viewing the impressive structure. My guide, who is standing on the grass directly opposite the entrance at the top of the temple’s steps, proceeds to clap a number of times.  Each clap is followed by an echo, which sounds like the cry of the quetzal bird.  This is not the building’s only extraordinary detail.  On the evening of the spring and autumn equinoxes, the equinox shadows project a snake that descends down one side of the temple as a series of inverted triangles.

We saunter through to the ball court; an expanse of ground with stone walls either side (picture 2 shows one of these walls).  I notice that the walls are perfectly straight; an astonishing feat when one considers the Mayans used only basic stone tools.  This being a skill that my builder back in London has yet to acquire, I take a number of photos to show him on my return.

The exact details of the ball game that was played here are much debated but the basic rules were that the players on the field utilised their limbs to keep a rubber ball in the air.  The ball would be passed up to one player standing alone on the ledge (visible towards the bottom of the wall in picture).  He would then attempt to shoot it through a hoop high up on the wall.

The guide suggests that this game was the forefather of football.  I insist that it was us English who invented the game.  He appears ready to argue this point but, presumably remembering the prospect of a potential tip, does not.

My guide’s theory is that the game’s victor (i.e. the person who got the ball through the hoop) would be sacrificed after the game.  I tell him that this is a ludicrous suggestion and that he must mean that the losers were sacrificed.  The guide remains adamant that it was the victor and that they would have been more than happy to be sacrificed, as they were guaranteed to be transferred straight from this World to paradise.  It is difficult to imagine one of today’s over-indulged sports stars being prepared to forfeit their vast wealth for a ‘guaranteed’ place in heaven; departing now.

I am sitting in the back of a jeep travelling from the Mexican town of Tulum to a local cenote.  Cenotes are inland freshwater sinkholes.  These natural phenomena are unique to Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula and a few neighbouring Caribbean islands.  They are popular with tourists for sightseeing, snorkelling and diving; the activity which has brought me here today.

The diving instructor, a bandana clad Chilean by the name of Rodrigo, holds the steering wheel with one hand whilst he bangs the other against the side of the jeep in time with the heavy metal music resonating through the vehicle.  The frenetic drumming only serves to increase my apprehension.  My concern is that the majority of my very limited diving experience has consisted of floundering around at the bottom of suburban swimming pools.  This dive will be to forty five metres.

Turning off the main road we proceed to bump along a jungle track and are soon pulling to a halt in a small parking area adjoining a cenote known as The Pit.  As I clamber out of the vehicle, my Swedish diving companion Lars, whose acquaintance I made earlier that morning also confesses to feeling nervous.  I enquire as to why.

‘I am an inexperienced diver,’ he replies. ‘I have only dived forty two times.  How many dives have you done?’

‘Five.’

After peering into the dark ominous waters of the cenote (see picture), I begin to hurriedly assemble the diving equipment, as Rodrigo outlines The Pit’s sinister history.  During Mayan times The Pit had been used for human sacrificial purposes.  He stops speaking suddenly and looks severely in my direction.

‘What?’ I ask somewhat defensively.

‘Your tank, it’s the wrong way round.’

Within a minute Rodrigo and Lars have reassembled my diving kit correctly and I am intrepidly approaching the cenote, along the very same path used by countless Mayan sacrificial victims.

Five minutes later – Clasping our torches in one hand we begin our descent.  I feel somewhat calmer now.  It is as if the cool waters of the cenote have had a therapeutic effect.  Lars and I look around in awe at the rock formations that surround us.  Some thirty metres later we reach a cloud of sulphuric acid air bubbles and our visibility becomes minimal.  Attempting to remain calm, I follow the beam of light being emitted from Rodrigo’s torch and within no time we have passed through it.

At forty five metres we stop and Rodrigo points out some fragments of human bones with his torch. Until recently there were actual skulls here; but the actions of one plundering diver have resulted in the skulls being taken to an archaeological museum.

Rodrigo points towards my pressure gauge, to enquire as to how much air I have left. I stare at the gauge in disbelief; for I cannot comprehend how the reading is only a hundred and ten.  We had been informed that we should have a reading of nearly two hundred when we begun our ascent.  For a terrifying moment I wonder if I too will be making a contribution to the collection of bone fragments.  On the trip up Rodrigo gives me oxygen from his spare regulator.  This action results in him having to stop to take breaths from an air hole in the rock.

An hour later – Both Lars and I are relaxed on reaching our next destination, a welcoming cenote with a wide welcoming entrance and transparent waters (see picture).  The dive will be to about twelve metres; merely the depth of a couple of suburban swimming pools.

I am ambling across the sun baked service station forecourt, clasping a two litre bottle of Coca Cola in one hand and my car keys in the other when I notice two boys crouching next to my car.  They appear to be inspecting something in the grass in front of them.  I too look ahead into the grass, curious as to what has caught their attention.

Suddenly the two boys jump to their feet and scream ‘gator’ in unison very loudly.  Emitting a loud shriek I hastily press the unlock button on the car control and clamber into the vehicle, slamming the door shut behind me.  Peering anxiously through the windscreen I am surprised to see the two boys still standing by the verge.  They are pointing in my direction, their features contorted in mirth.  Lowering the window a little I peer out apprehensively and ask in a timid voice, ‘where’s the gator’.

‘You’re scared of gators,’ responds one of the boy’s in a patronising tone.

‘Yes, isn’t everyone,’ I reply, now becoming aware that there is evidently no alligator in the immediate vicinity.  The two antagonists’ find this response very amusing and their laughter increases in volume.  I start the engine, waving a middle finger in their direction as I do so and then drive off.  A short while later I have concluded that this is a prank that they have probably pulled on numerous other unsuspecting tourists.

Some thirty minutes later having rented a bicycle, I am cycling contentedly along a scenic track enjoying The Everglades’ idyllic scenery when I notice the black outline of an alligator in the grass to my right, merely a few metres away.  I veer to the left in panic, struggling to remain seated on the bicycle and then pedal away furiously, until I am what I deem to be a safe distance from the reptile.  Turning around I see more cyclists approaching along the path, unaware of the monster in their midst.  I consider shouting out a warning, as the first cyclist, a small girl with stabilisers approaches the spot where the alligator is lying.  She looks disinterestedly in the reptile’s direction and then proceeds along the path at a leisurely pace.  Several more cyclists pass the spot, none of whom appear the least bit concerned at the sight of the alligator.

Over the course of the next hour I see numerous alligators and my fear of them subsides. Picture two shows me posing metres from one that had ambled onto the path.  By the time I have completed the circuit I am confident that any further gator related pranks will be met with a calm and collected response.

Perhaps it would have been advisable to save cuisine related blog posts until such time as I travel to Tuscany or tour Toulouse, rather than a trip to Taco Bell.

For those non-American residents unfamiliar with this fast food franchise, let me take this opportunity to enlighten you.  In its fifty years of existence, Taco Bell has achieved monumental success and currently boasts over six thousand restaurants, making it America’s sixth largest fast food chain.  However the rapid expansion of competitor Chipotle casts an ominous shadow over its future, as have a number of unfortunate brand damaging occurrences.  These include:

• 2011  –  Salmonella outbreak.
• 2006  –  Ecoli outbreak.
• A lawsuit claiming only 35% of beef in Taco Bell products is ‘real’ beef.

With typical American resilience Taco Bell are fighting back with a marketing campaign, unprecedented in its history; spearheaded by their new culinary offering, the Doritos Locos Tacos, described as ‘Taco Bell on the inside and Doritos on the outside.’

Undeterred by disease and food quality related accusations, I enter the Taco Bell premises eager to experience the Americanised Mexican fanfare; Burritos, Tacos and the like.  Ignoring the promotional material for Doritos Locos Tacos screaming at me from every direction, I order Volcano Nachos (I am not a big fan of Doritos), Pintos n Cheese and a 30oz Pepsi.  Moments later I am sitting at a table hastily consuming my Volcano Nachos.  Admittedly they are probably essentially offal masquerading as beef, but they taste remarkably pleasant, though I suspect this is more than likely due to the success of the Cheesy Molten Hot Lava Sauce in masking anything potentially unpalatable.

Barely two minutes later I have finished both the Volcano Nachos and the Pintos n Cheese and am contentedly sipping Pepsi, whilst calculating the nutritional value of my meal as conveniently stated on the menu before me.  I then proceed to compare its nutritional value to the recommended daily intake for an adult.

The calorie count is hardly surprising but I have to admit to being slightly perturbed at being nearly three times over my daily recommended sugar allowance.  Sixty six grams of fat consumed in one meal is not ideal either, especially with my dinner plans.  If I wasn’t before I am now convinced that Volcano Nachos probably don’t contain much in terms of what one would define as beef.  However in the meal’s defence it was both appetizing and inexpensive.

On exiting the outlet I notice an Emergency Weight Loss centre, a large windowless building conveniently located barely a stone’s throw away.  Briefly I consider what emergency weight loss procedures might entail but the waves of nausea bring this pattern of thought to an abrupt halt.  As I return to my car, I wonder how many diners go directly from the restaurant to the weight loss centre and whether Taco Bell have considered the possibility of charging the centre commission on these clients.