Home | Guy Portman's Blog

Darkly Humorous Fiction, Carb-Free Feasts & Arachnids

Jul 17 2020

This week people have been helping me polish the blurb for my forthcoming book – The Gazebo (Release date: Tues, Sep.1). It’s a little way off but I want to try and get it to some reviewers a month or so before it comes out, and the front cover is still being designed. I shared the blurb in progress last week. Here is the completed version:

Two men’s lives are about to implode. Can they save themselves before it’s too late?

The Gazebo: A husband’s lustful behaviour is out of control. If his wife finds out, there’ll be hell to pay – and she is on to him. Calamity looms in this warped tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

The Curse: They warned him to steer clear of the Transylvanian temptress, but entrepreneur Theo couldn’t resist her charms. Now he’s up to his neck in trouble. Could it be the death of him?

These turbulent romps merge domestic disaster with caustic comedy to devastating effect. If you like dark humour, you’ll relish these stories about desire and deception.

Here is a picture of a carb-free feast I had earlier in the week.

What with my new summerhouse, I will finally be able to get some bookshelves to house my books. Here is some of my homeless humorous fiction collection. Most are of the dark humour variety.

Last night I had a bedtime companion – a rarity these days.

This morning I came across these two deer on my morning walk. Fortunately, my dog obeyed my command, ‘Leave it!’ because the Roe buck on the left appeared quite feisty.

I hear that pesky bug is still about. Stay well, keep safe and have a good weekend.

A Gazebo, A Summerhouse & Black Comedy

Jul 10 2020

This week I’ve been working on my new book – The Gazebo. Here are some details:

Two men’s lives are about to implode. Can they save themselves before it’s too late?

The Gazebo: A husband’s peculiar lust is out of control. If his wife finds out, there’ll be hell to pay – and she is on to him. Calamity looms in this warped tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

The Curse: They warned him to steer clear of the Transylvanian temptress, but entrepreneur Theo couldn’t resist her charms. Now he’s up to his neck in trouble.

The Gazebo will be released late summer.

That is not a gazebo, it’s a summerhouse that has just been erected in my garden. It is going to be my office. There is still a fair bit of work to do – roof covering, insulation, electrics, patio and varnishing. Hopefully, it will be up and running in a month or so. I picked it up discounted due to the Covid-19 crisis. It’s proven to be an absolute nightmare for the builders as a lot of the pieces did not come cut to size.

Here’s my dog Trigga having a snooze on his favourite chair. It’s strange because there’s a big sofa next to it, but he prefers being cramped in his familiar chair.

I have been eating a fair bit of watermelon of late. No, that’s not my bowl. As I can’t get through half a watermelon on my own, I need help.

What with Lockdown relaxing, I imagine some of you are getting out and about a bit more. Last weekend I visited family for the first time in ages. This beef bourguignon was Sunday lunch.

Have a good weekend.

Humorous Fiction and A New Toy

Jul 03 2020

You know when you have no luck with something. It could be anything – but in my case it’s brush cutters amongst other things. I started off with the cheapest I could find. It weighed the same as an Atlas stone from World’s Strongest Man, and the engine overheated and switched itself off every two minutes. I then bought a Kawasaki which was pretty good until it wasn’t. As repairing it was proving to be a big undertaking, I upgraded this week to the Ferrari of brush cutters – a Stihl FS70. It cost an arm and a leg, but I am hoping it will be just what the doctor ordered. I will be taking it out for a test run soon.

Here’s my dog posing with his new tennis ball in my mown, but not brush cut garden.

I just got him this 2kg bag of charcoal dog biscuits from Amazon. What did we do before Amazon came on the scene? Surely life was less convenient. They might come in for a lot of criticism, but I for one am somewhat dependent on them.

My seventh book is currently being proofread. The Gazebo is a darkly humorous quick read, consisting of two stories.

Story One: Lust threatens to go horribly wrong in a tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

Story Two: When an entrepreneur falls for a temptress, his life rapidly spirals out of control.

A lot of people have been getting a fair bit of reading done over Lockdown. I’ve done some, but not as much as many from the sound of things. Of late, my book choices have been somewhat eclectic. But I’m going to stick with my genre, humorous fiction, for a while. My next two reads will be:

Have a good weekend.

6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

Jun 26 2020

There is nothing to report this week, so it is back to my bread and butter – reading recommendations. Here are six dark fiction books worth reading, if you haven’t done so already. Click on the links to read my reviews:

Novel with Cocaine

Novel with Cocaine is a nihilistic account of adolescence and addiction.

My Review: Set in the years immediately before and after the Russian Revolution, Novel with Cocaine follows the life of Vadim, a Moscow adolescent and …(more)

Rashōmon and Seventeen Other Stories

A sense of doom and despair permeates this somewhat disparate assemblage.

My Review: The book, which is divided into four parts, begins with the sinister tale Rashōmon. Set during the Heian era, it sees a confrontation between …(more)

In Wolves’ Clothing

This first-person transgressive work features a member of an anti-child trafficking organisation.

My Review: Zero Slade is a member of an anti-child sex trafficking organisation. The role entails infiltrating the industry by masquerading as
high-rolling sex …(more)

Heart of Darkness

Heart of Darkness is a multi-layered story about what can occur when man exists outside of civilisation’s constraints.

My Review: Heart of Darkness is a novella about a steamship sailing up a river through the jungles of The Congo, in search of Mr Kurtz, a mysterious ivory trader, who has reportedly …(more)

In Cold Blood

Capote’s seminal work is a reconstruction of the real life murders of a family.

My Review: The story reconstructs the real life murders of a Kansas farmer, his wife and teenaged children. The Clutters, as they are referred to in the book, are a popular …(more)

Less Than Zero

Less Than Zero is about a privileged and disturbed group of L.A. youngsters.

My Review: Set in nineteen-eighties Los Angeles, the story follows eighteen-year-old Clay, returned home for Christmas from college in New Hampshire. Clay immediately …(more)

Gardening, Beer, Reading & Lockdown Easing.

Jun 19 2020

Lockdown restrictions are beginning to ease and it seems things are returning to normal. This was made clear to me when I went to the supermarket this week and came across these Kleenex Originals. They are the first I’d seen in months. Was beginning to think Kleenex Originals had gone the same way as the dodo and woolly mammoth.

And that wasn’t the end of the supermarket’s pleasant surprises. This box of twenty-four Moretti was a mere twenty-three quid. What a deal.

I decided to make a daytrip of it, and also went to the gardening tool shop in addition to the supermarket. The protective shield bit had broken off on my brush cutter, and the lid for the scart socket keeps coming off, which has resulted in me getting sporadic electric shocks. A potentially catastrophic combination.

It transpires that it needs a new blade too. This is why cutting the garden has turned into a fulltime occupation. I had put it down to inefficiency on my part.

As for reading, I have just started a new book. This fiction writer needs a non fiction fix once in a while. It is proving to be interesting , but long.

Green tea and a Twix are an agreeable combination.

So is standard tea and a chocolate éclair.

Right, time to get going. My dog is waiting for his walk.

I’ve left Trigga out in the garden to scare off the pigeons. They keep eating my grass seed. Have a good weekend.

A Gazebo, A Reading Recommendation, and Lockdown Haircuts.

Jun 12 2020

I finally had enough of waiting for hairdressers to reopen and shaved my head. You’ll have to take my word for it; it looks bad.

Of late, it has been unusually dry in the South of England. The heavens have just opened however. My new, threadbare lawn could certainly do with some water.

Having a dog is useful, in that he/she can help out when one has too much food in stock. There was no way I was going to be able to eat a whole melon on my own.

Here is my dog Trigga taking his siesta.

I imagine some of you are getting quite a bit of reading done during Lockdown. My current read is:

I am very impressed with this female character driven novel, and I look forward to reviewing it in the review section of my blog in due course.

As mentioned previously, I have been getting a lot of writing done during Lockdown.

My seventh book is currently with beta readers. The Gazebo is a tautly written, darkly humorous quick read, consisting of two stories.

Story One: British middle-aged lust threatens to go horribly wrong in a tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

Story Two: When a wealthy English entrepreneur falls for a Transylvanian temptress, his life rapidly spirals out of control.

I look forward to revealing more soon. Have a good weekend.

Click here to view My Goodreads Author Page.

5 Dark Humour Books You Might Like

Jun 05 2020

Without further ado, here they are. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk

Choke is in essence a social commentary about our innate craving for attention and the fundamental nature of addiction.

My Review: The protagonist, Victor Mancini, is a sex addict employed at an eighteenth-century historical re-enactment park. Victor attends various sexual addiction support groups, where he …(more)

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction whose main focus is many of its characters increasing obsession with heroin.

My Review: Skagboys is the prequel to Trainspotting. Its colourful, mostly young characters hail from the Edinburgh port suburb of Leith. There is the bookish, unambitious …(more)

Spencer’s Risk by Andy Greenhalgh

Spencer’s Risk is a third person, thespian-themed work that offers an authentic insight into the mind of a compulsive gambler.

My Review: Spencer Leyton’s life is spiralling downhill. He has split from his wife, is virtually estranged from his kids, his career is in tatters, and he has a serious …(more)

Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut

Mother Night is a concise, ambiguous morality tale brimming with satirical observations and darkly humorous details.

My Review: During WWII, Howard W. Campbell was a prominent Nazi propagandist. Now he is languishing in an Israeli prison awaiting trial for war crimes …(more)

Women by Charles Bukowski

The concise, visceral story follows the exploits of ageing lowlife and Bukowski alter ego, Henry Chinaski.

My Review: Fat, ugly fifty-something Henry Chinaski is a degenerate drinker, gambler and womaniser residing in downtrodden East Hollywood.
After a lifetime spent toiling in …(more)

Lockdown Reading & Revelations

May 29 2020

Lockdown is starting to wind down here in the UK, it seems. As for me, I will be remaining in self-isolation. If there’s another way to live, I am not familiar with it. Besides, it has its perks, including reduced car fuel costs.

Not much of note has happened this week. On Monday, I found this nine quid box of Corona in the supermarket. It remains unopened, but that is poised to change.

You know when you have your schedule laid out for the day, only for a spanner to be thrown in the works? In this instance, it was discovering the hoover wasn’t performing its one function. It took ages to disassemble it, find the blockage and remove it. Mr Dyson’s hoover innovation infatuation doesn’t extend to inventing a non-blockable model, it appears. Dyson’s revolutionary wheel ball is all good and well, but I’d swap it for a blockage-free hoover any day of the week.

Someone was in for a treat. A dry pellet, broccoli, tomato and cheese feast. It could be the name of a Dominos Pizza, though I suspect my creation would be more appetising.

It’s been warm and sunny here in south of England every day for what seems like ages. Trigga has been enjoying the weather, as have I.

Some workers have been taking unusual precautions to protect themselves against the threat of Covid-19. Take my local supermarket worker for instance. Effective perhaps, if not a little concerning.

People are reading more during Lockdown, we are told. I want to try and utilise this trend to find more readers for my books. Presently, I am waiting for Amazon to get back to me about ways in which I can use my new Necropolis Trilogy series page to do just that; fingers crossed.

Like many authors, I don’t stick only to my own genre/s (dark humour/satire) when it comes to reading. Earlier this week, I picked up this kindle book for 99p following a recommendation on Goodreads. It’s a subject I know little about; and as I fancy myself to be something of a war historian dilettante, I thought why not?

No doubt you have read some good books over lockdown. If you have any suggestions, I’d be keen to hear them. Have a good weekend.

Dark Fiction, Empty Fridges & Culinary Titbits

May 22 2020

It’s Friday again. This week I read Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. I was only introduced to dark fiction author McCarthy last year, and I’ve already read four of his books. Blood Meridian is quite possibly the most brutal novel ever written.

Another trip to the supermarket was in order.

I was in luck however. Hidden away at the back of the freezer, there were gyoza. This time I succeeded in not getting them stuck to the frying pan.

Panic buying and long queues no longer appear to be an issue in the shops here, for now anyway. You are probably experiencing the same, I assume, unless you’re in Brazil. Covid-19 is wreaking havoc over there at the moment it seems, no thanks to their president.

Burning the cuttings from the garden. It proved to be an incredibly smoky fire.

My dog is obsessed with water. His reflection is the reason why I think.

Currently, I am offering the first instalment in my darkly humorous Necropolis Trilogy for free to people who sign up to my mailing list. This week I’ve sold a few copies, but haven’t succeeded in giving any away for free. If you fancy changing that, here are the details.

What is a sociopath to do?

Click here to get #1 for FREE.

Anyway, time to get back to work on my next book – tentatively titled The Gazebo. It consists of two darkly humorous stories set in the south of England, and will be of novella length. Themes include relationships; fractious ones. I look forward to sharing more in due course. Have a good weekend.

5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour

May 15 2020

This week we return to the subject of books. Here are five works of fiction that contain dark humour. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Glue by Irvine Welsh

Glue adeptly captures the zeitgeists of the various eras it encapsulates. The book’s scabrous descriptions will appeal to all fans of the Transgressive Fiction genre.

My Review: Glue is about four friends who hail from Scotland’s capital, Edinburgh. It begins with them as infants in the 1970s, and ends at the dawn of the new …(more)

Suttree by Cormac McCarthy

This brutal, bleak and at times humorous episodic tome (600+ pages) is a must for all dark fiction aficionados.

My Review: Cornelius Suttree resides in a dilapidated houseboat on the Tennessee River, on the edge of Knoxville. He ekes out a living fishing in its murky waters; his primary …(more)

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires, motives and beliefs.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the …(more)

Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock

Knockemstiff is a transgressive compilation of short stories. Topics include drugs, drinking, disease and sexual degeneracy.

My Review: These interlinked short stories are set in ‘The Holler’; an impoverished part of Knockemstiff, a real-life Ohioan backwater. ‘The Holler’s’ air is permanently imbued with the stench of …(more)

Checking Out by Nick Spalding

Checking Out is a black comedy sprinkled with hope. Many will be drawn to its protagonist due to his wry wit and likeable personality.

My Review: Nathan is a young, well-off musician with a gorgeous girlfriend, a sportscar and some exceedingly expensive bi-fold doors. He is also successful, thanks to his …(more)

AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

Darkly Humorous Fiction, Carb-Free Feasts & Arachnids

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A Gazebo, A Summerhouse & Black Comedy

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Humorous Fiction and A New Toy

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6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

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Gardening, Beer, Reading & Lockdown Easing.

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A Gazebo, A Reading Recommendation, and Lockdown Haircuts.

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5 Dark Humour Books You Might Like

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Lockdown Reading & Revelations

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Dark Fiction, Empty Fridges & Culinary Titbits

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5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour

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AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

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