AUTHOR GUY PORTMAN'S BLOG

PORTMAN'S PONDERINGS, PROCRASTINATIONS, PREAMBLES, PROGNOSES & PARODIES.

1
Bizarre Female Author Facts
2
Authors as Desserts II
3
Bizarre Book Trivia
4
8 Authors as Desserts
5
My Favourite Books I
6
7 Dystopian Novels
7
5 Good Books You Probably Haven’t Read
8
Symbiosis Sale Ends Today
9
Controversial Authors Part II
10
My Easter Egg Hunt

Bizarre Female Author Facts

This week’s blog post is devoted to Bizarre Female Author Facts. I haven’t forgotten about the men. It will be their turn next week.

booksnew

Did you know that:

Modernist writer Katherine Mansfield wore a mourning dress to her own wedding.

Jane Austen never married, but she was engaged for 1 night. She accepted the proposal of marriage 2 weeks prior to her 27th birthday. Austen changed her mind the next day.

Harriet Beecher Stowe (author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin) lived next door to Mark Twain.

Agatha Christie came to have a strong disliking for her creation Hercule Poirot.

Dorothy Parker’s epitaph reads — Excuse my dust.

Agatha Christie

Jane Austen was the first person known to have used the word ‘outsider’.

Zadie Smith spent the best part of 2 years writing and rewriting the first 20 pages of her novel, On Beauty.

Romance author Ida Pollock is widely considered to be the World’s oldest ever author. She died aged 105, just weeks before her 125th book was published.

It took Helen Hooven Santmyer 50 years to pen And Ladies of the Club.

Virginia Woolf was the granddaughter of novelist William Makepeace Thackeray.

By her late 30s Emily Dickinson was so reclusive that she rarely left her house and spoke to visitors from the other side of her closed front door.

Emily Dickinson

Maya Angelou’s writing routine entailed travelling to a bare hotel room every morning, where she would write until about 2 p.m.

Agatha Christie’s favourite food was Devonshire Cream.

Helen Hoover Santymeyer was 88 when her seminal work And Ladies of the Club was published.

Dorothy Straight is on record as being the youngest published author ever. At the age of 4 she wrote a story for her grandmother, which went on to be published when she was 6.

Author and essayist Flannery O’Connor not only wrote at the same time every day, but also in the same place. That special place was facing her blank wood dresser, which provided no distractions.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

I am the author of the psychological thriller, Symbiosis.

Symbiosis

Authors as Desserts II

2 weeks ago I wrote a blog post about authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here is Part II.

Chuck Palahniuk

ChuckPalahniuk

Palahniuk is a controversial, transgressive author whose writing is not for the fainthearted.

Corresponding dessert: Dirt Cake

Dirt cake

(Courtesy of Visions of Sugar Plum)

Rationale: This aptly named dessert is created by combining unusual, and some might argue unpalatable ingredients, including Oreo cookies, cream cheese and Gummy Worms.

 

George Orwell

GeorgeOrwell

Orwell was an iconic British author with socialist tendencies.

Corresponding dessert: Bread and Butter Pudding

bread and butter

(Courtesy of BBC Good Food)

Rationale: This simple, traditional British fare is popular with the masses.

 

Jackie Collins

Collins

Jackie Collins is one of the best-selling Romance authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Black Forest Gâteau

Black Forest Gateau

(Courtesy of Wikipedia)

Rationale: This decadent dessert leaves one feeling nauseous.

 

Haruki Murakami

Murakami

Murakami is Japan’s most famous contemporary writer.

Corresponding dessert: Matcha (green tea)  Ice Cream

Green Tea

(Courtesy of Youtube)

Rationale: Westerners have enthusiastically embraced this distinctly Oriental flavour, presented in a familiar form.

 

Danielle Steele

Steele

Corresponding dessert: Cupcake

Cup Cake

(Courtesy of Esciencelog)

Rationale: A dollop of icing fails to disguise what is a meagre offering.

 

C. S. Lewis

C. S. Lewis

The creator of The Chronicles of Narnia was a devout Christian.

Corresponding dessert: Hot Cross Bread and Butter Pudding

hot-cross-bun

(Courtesy of Tesco)

Rationale: This variation on the hot cross bun is ideal fare to mark the end of Lent.

 

Bram Stoker

Stoker

Irish author Bram Stoker is best remembered for his Gothic novel Dracula.

Corresponding dessert: Red Velvet Slaughter Cake

Red Velvet

(Courtesy of Huffington Post)

Rationale: Self-explanatory

 

Vladimir Nabokov

Nabokov

The intellectual Russian born Nabokov utilised an ornate prose style.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed S’more

Deconstructed Smores

(Courtesy of OC Foodies)

Rationale: This sophisticated, deconstructed extravagance contains caramelised vanilla marshmallow, soft salted caramel and chocolate-coated cereal garnishes.

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I am the author of the satirical, black comedy, Necropolis.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Bizarre Book Trivia

Yesterday whilst whiling away some time on the internet I discovered some bizarre book trivia, which I thought might make a good foundation for a blog post. Here goes:

Most Bizarre Book Ever: BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! by ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON.

WorstBook

I was planning to read it, but considered the price (£20.95) prohibitive.  The reason for me choosing it (the title is too long to repeat) is because of Michael N. Marcus’s review in his book Stinkers:

  • Every letter in book capitalised
  • Ridden with grammatical errors
  • Ludicrous subject matter
  • Excessive price tag
  • Neurotic nature of its author

Most Offensive Book Title Ever: Helping The Retarded To Know God by H. R. Hahn & W. H. Raasch.

Retarded

I imagine this book wasn’t welcomed with open arms even when it was published back in 1969. As for the question How does one help the retarded to know God? As no one to the best of my knowledge has ever known God, I can only assume it’s a challenge.

Book genres: Have you noticed how many genres and sub genres are around these days. Take Punk literature (related to punk subculture). There are 13 sub genres, in addition a host of tenuous ones. Punk’s official sub genres are: Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Biopunk, Bugpunk, Transistorpunk, Nanopunk, Decopunk, Atompunk, Teslapunk, Clockpunk, Splatterpunk & Mythpunk…

Here is an imaginary conversation:

Do you enjoy reading?
Yeah.
Me too. Which genres do you like?
Primarily Dieselpunk and Biopunk with a smattering of Transistorpunk.

According to wiki the Romance genre has 36 sub genres. Every man/woman to his/her tastes, but for me reading with 1 hand whilst holding a sick bucket with the other isn’t much fun.

heart

A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who can’t read. — Guy Portman

The infestation of erotica/erotic romance titles means that it is extremely difficult for authors to come up with novel ideas, but I have one — Romeo & Juliet, the Asphyxiation Erotica version.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: Ghuahh! Ghuahh!
Juliet: O’ there art thou with a plastic bag thrust over thy head.

Fans of zoophilia-themed, BBW, paranormal shapeshifter romances might be interested in Hedging His Bets by Celia Kyle & Mina Carter. It is touted as the book that makes hedgehogs sexy.

Hedge

Bad-boy Blake Carlisle is a big, badass biker with a secret — he’s a werehedgehog. It is obvious that Blake and Honey are meant to be together — because he loves rubenesque beauties and she loves hedgehogs .

Here’s an extract:  Plopping down on the floor, she opened the cage and lifted each of them out. She rolled around on the ground making yipping noises, mimicking them to the best of her ability, and just playing with the cute little things. … Who needed a man when she had hedgies?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I am the author of the satirical, black comedy Necropolis.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Necropolis

8 Authors as Desserts

Have you ever thought that if so and so was a dessert they would be an apple strudel?

Whilst eating a slice of lemon tart at lunch today, I took to thinking about authors corresponding to desserts. This week’s post is devoted to 8 authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to.

John Steinbeck

JohnSteinbeck

Steinbeck was an iconic American author with socialist inclinations.

Corresponding dessert: Carrot Cake

carrotcake(Courtesy of Food Network)

Rationale: This modest and wholesome dessert is popular with the proletariat.

 

Charles Bukowski

Charles Bukowski

American poet and novelist Bukowski was known as the ‘laureate of American lowlife’.

Corresponding dessert: Baked apples with whiskey

bourbon-baked-apples

Rationale: Not aesthetically pleasing and unsophisticated it may be, but it tastes good.

 

E. L. James

ELJAmes

Erotica novelist E. L. James is one of the World’s best-selling authors.

Corresponding dessert: Cheesecake

cheese(Courtesy of Tennessee Cheesecake)

Rationale: Many, including yours truly, are of the opinion that cheese and cake should not be mixed.

 

Hunter S. Thompson

Hunter Thompson

The father of Gonzo journalism was a staunch patriot with an insatiable thirst.

Corresponding dessert: Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie

choc_pecan_pie(Courtesy of  Random Sweetness Baking)

Rationale: Self-explanatory.

 

Dan Brown

Brown

Brown has sold more than 200 million of his mystery/conspiracy novels.

Corresponding dessert: Ring-Shaped Donut

Doughnut(Courtesy of i food)

Rationale: These deep-fried treats are not only bad for the health, but they leave one feeling something’s missing.

 

Salman Rushdie

rushdie4

This Booker Prize winning author’s preferred genre is magic realism.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed Strawberry Falooda

Falooda2(Courtesy of Pinterest)

Rationale: This Indian dessert drink might not be soft on the eye, but it contains whole wheat vermicelli, gulkand preserve and is devoid of artificial colours.

 

Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie

English crime novelist Agatha Christie is the best-selling author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Tunnock’s Teacake

Tea Cake(Courtesy of the internet)

Rationale: One has to first unwrap the packaging and then bite through the outer layer to reveal what lies beneath.

 

Stephanie Meyer

Meyer

Meyer is a young-adult fiction writer responsible for the vampire romance series Twilight.

Corresponding dessert: Sponge Cake

sponge cake

(Courtesy of Cogo Food)

Rationale: It might look like a cake, feel like a cake and smell like a cake, but on taking a bite one realises it’s mostly just air.

 

There may be a further instalment at some point.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Necropolis

 

 

My Favourite Books I

This week’s blog post is dedicated to 6 books that I would recommend. The choices reflect my eclectic reading tastes. Click on the links to read my reviews.

 

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

The Bell Jar

Protagonist Esther Greenwood’s year in the ‘bell jar’ as she describes it, culminates in her being institutionalised in a mental health facility. This erudite and humorous semi-autobiographical novel adeptly explores an emotionally disturbed mind. Click here to read my review.

Genre: Semi-Autobiographical

 

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

Ivan Denisovich Shukhov is a former POW serving a 10 year term in a Gulag on the Kazakh steppe for being a spy. He is innocent. The book chronicles a single day of his existence, beginning with a 5 a.m. reveille. Our protagonist, having been deemed not to have risen from bed on time…(more)

Type: Novella

 

The Radetzky March by Joseph Roth

TheRadetzkyMarch

Joseph Roth’s most famous and acclaimed novel is in essence a meditation on the Austro-Hungarian Empire. The author successfully captures the pomp, pageantry and formality of the dwindling years of the Habsburg dynasty. The story follows three generations of the Trottas(more)

Genre: Foreign-Language Classic

 

Post Office by Charles Bukowski

Post Office

This darkly humorous, semi-autobiographical work is about Charles Bukowski’s years spent working for the United States Postal Service. It describes the banality, dehumanisation and hardship of unskilled drudgery. Henry Chinaski is a heavy drinking, womanising, race track frequenting low-life…(more)

Genre: Transgressive

 

Necropolis by Guy Portman

Necropolis

Dyson Devereux works in the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Dyson is intelligent, incisive and informed. He is also a sociopath. Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct world in which we live. ‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire.’…(more) Crime Fiction Lover (Britain’s Biggest Crime Fiction review website)

Genre: Black Comedy

 

Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi

Helter Skelter

Helter Skelter is a very detailed, six hundred and sixty page true crime classic, complete with photographs, that leaves the reader feeling that they have lived through the Charles Manson murder trial. The book provides an insight into the mind of a cult leader, his followers and the workings of the California legal system of the time…(more)

Genre: True Crime

 

I hope you enjoyed this post. There are likely to be further instalments at some point in the not too distant future.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

7 Dystopian Novels

As I have read a fair bit of dystopian literature of late, I am devoting this week’s blog post to the subject.

Definition: Dystopian literature is a genre of fictional writing used to explore social and political structures in ‘a dark, nightmare world.’…(more)

Here are 7 dystopian novels by 7 different authors, all of which I have read. They are presented in chronological order.

 

The Time Machine by H. G. Wells (1895)

The Time Machine

H. G. Wells’s seminal work is about a man who builds himself a time machine, and then travels over 800,000 years into the future. At first it appears this world is a wonderful place, but the Traveller soon discovers that there is a sinister, hidden subterranean class. This bestseller is credited with launching the time-travel genre.

My Review: N/A

Rating: Good

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (1932)

Brave New World

Brave New World utilises erudite social commentary to explore mankind’s inherent nature. Huxley’s portentous vision has proven to be prescient in its prediction of a science-controlled, consumer culture.

My Review: Brave New World is set in a society where everything is controlled. The parentless, manufactured, free-loving population are dependent on a state-endorsed hallucinogenic, happiness drug called Soma. Helicopters serve as the primary mode of transport. Entertainment takes…(more)

My Rating: Good

 

1984 by George Orwell (1949)

1984

This dystopian classic is set in a world of constant war, government surveillance and manipulation. The novel’s protagonist works for the Ministry of Truth, which is responsible for historical revisionism and propaganda. 1984 warns of totalitarian censorship. It has been viewed as controversial since its publication due to its themes of nationalism and censorship.

My Review: N/A

My Rating: Excellent

 

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (1953)

Fahrenheit 451

There is much to ponder in this satirical book whose motif is a warning about the threat posed by state censorship. Bradbury’s seminal work predicts our increasing obsession with mass media.

My Review: Books are banned in this dystopian world, where firemen are employed to burn them. Guy Montag is a fireman, who lives an unfulfilling existence with Mildred, his sedentary, parlour-consuming wife: parlours being an in-house form of entertainment…(more)

My Rating: Quite Good

 

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (1962)

A Clockwork Orange

A Clockwork Orange is a controversial book whose themes include behaviourism, free will and the role of the state. It employs an imaginary teenage dialect called ‘nadsat’.

My Review: Alex is an eccentric 15-year-old delinquent with a penchant for classical music and drinking milk. He and his fellow ‘droogs’ assault, rob and rape with impunity, that is until a serious incident sees him arrested and incarcerated…(more)

My Rating: Good

 

The Man In The High Castle by Philip K. Dick (1962)

Man in High Castle

This alternative history dystopia is set in a world in which the allies lost The War. It is a somewhat chaotic work containing many intrigues.

My Review: After the allies lost World War II America was divided in half. The Germans occupied the east, the Japanese the west. It is now 1962. Robert Childan is the owner of an Americana antiques shop in San Francisco…(more)

My Rating: Okay but convoluted.

 

High-Rise by J. G. Ballard (1975)

High-Rise

High-Rise is a tale about how the social order can fragment. Tense, bleak and satirical, it explores the connection between technology and the human condition.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three main characters – Robert Laing, an instructor at…(more)

My Rating: Quite Good

 

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

5 Good Books You Probably Haven’t Read

This week’s blog post is dedicated to 5 good books that you probably haven’t read. Perhaps I am being presumptuous and you have read them. Anyway here they are:

 

The Legend of the Holy Drinker by Joseph Roth (1939)

The Legend of the Holy Drinker

Genre: General Fiction

This compact and wistful novella is a great introduction to Joseph Roth’s writing. The Austro Hungarian author succumbed to a premature alcohol related death shortly after finishing this allegorical tale about seeking redemption.

My Review: The story is about an alcoholic tramp by the name of Andreas, who lives under bridges of the river Seine in Paris.  Andreas finds himself in luck when he is given two hundred francs by a stranger, which allows him to recapture something of his pre-tramp existence… (More)

 

Maggie Cassidy by Jack Kerouac (1959)

Maggie Cassidy

Genre: Semi Autobiographical

Maggie Cassidy is a meditation on being in love and youthful innocence. Unlike Kerouac’s seminal work, On the Road, it has a more conventional prose style. This is a captivating book full of profound insights.

My Review: Set in the close-knit working-class French-Canadian community of Lowell, Massachusetts, Maggie Cassidy is a semi-autobiographical account of Kerouac’s adolescence. The story is recounted through the teenage mind of the author’s alter ego, Jack Duluoz…(More)

 

Novel with Cocaine by M. Ageyev (1934)

Novel with Cocaine

Genre: Transgressive

This is a nihilistic and philosophical novel about adolescence and addiction that could be described as Dostoyevskian. Since the time of its publication in book form there has been intense speculation over who wrote it.

My Review: Set in the years immediately before and after the Russian Revolution, Novel with Cocaine follows the life of Vadim, a Moscow adolescent and student. Vadim is prone to self-loathing and disdainful of others, none more so than his mother, whose… (More)

 

The Wayward Bus by John Steinbeck (1947)

The Wayward Bus

Genre: General Fiction

Although The Wayward Bus is one of Steinbeck’s lesser known novels, it is in this reader’s opinion one of his best. The author’s deep understanding of human nature is in evidence throughout.

My Review: An unlikely group of characters are travelling through rural South California by bus.  In his unique style Steinbeck proceeds to explore each personality in intricate detail; their inhibitions, motivations, intimate thoughts and hopes for the future… (More)

 

The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West (1939)

the Day of the Locust

Genre: Modernist

The Day of the Locust is a short, plotless and poignant novel with a surreal aspect that is prescient in its prediction of the Hollywood-obsessed society of today, with its fixation on celebrity and image.

My Review: Talented artist Tod Hackett has relocated to Los Angeles where he is working as a movie set designer. Tod develops an infatuation for Faye – a beautiful, blonde and brazen aspiring actress, and sometime call girl. When her father, a vaudevillian…(More)

 

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

 

 

 

Symbiosis Sale Ends Today

Get my Psychological Thriller Symbiosis today for only 99c/99p (Usual Price: $3.99/£2.86). Available from Amazon (US & UK).

Symbiosis

Perceptive and poignant, Symbiosis explores our enduring fascination with twins and the complexities of twinship.

Identical twins Talulah and Taliah have never been apart. Viewed as curiosities by children and adults alike, they coexist in an insular world with their own secret language. But being identical doesn’t necessarily mean being equal…

Soon a series of momentous events will send Talulah and Taliah spiralling out of control, setting them on a collision course with a society that views them as two parts of a whole. Will their symbiotic relationship survive?

Symbiosis was released at the end of January.

Symbiosis

Sale ends today Tuesday April 12th.

Amazon US (99c) & Amazon UK (99p) — also available in paperback.

 

 

Controversial Authors Part II

2 weeks ago I wrote a blog post about history’s most controversial authors. Part 2 is devoted to 8 more recent/contemporary controversial authors. They are presented in the order in which they were born.

 

John SteinbeckJohnSteinbeck(February 27th 1902 – December 20th 1968)

John Steinbeck is one of the most acclaimed literary figures America has ever produced. His accolades include The Pulitzer Prize for Fiction (1940) and the Nobel Prize in Literature (1962). He was highly critical of America’s economic policies, and a fervent supporter of unionisation. These views made him a reviled figure in some circles. His seminal work, The Grapes of Wrath, was burned on 2 separate occasions in his hometown of Salinas.

 

George OrwellGeorgeOrwell(June 25th 1903 – January 21st 1950)

George Orwell was opposed to totalitarianism and committed to democratic socialism, ideals that resulted in the author often courting controversy. His allegorical novella, Animal Farm, was seen as being highly critical of Stalin’s rule. Animal Farm and his dystopian novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four, were banned in the USSR. Orwell’s  accounts of poverty in The Road to Wigan Pier and Down and Out in Paris and London did not endear him to all in his home country.

 

William S. BurroughsWilliamBurroughs(February 5th 1914 – August 2nd 1997)

William S. Burroughs was at forefront of the Beat generation, influencing the likes of Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg. Burroughs was a controversial character with a penchant for rent boys and heroin. His writing is characterised as being sardonic, dark and often humorous. Arguably his most famous book, the non-linear Naked Lunch was viewed as so scandalous at the time of its publication that it underwent a court case under U.S. obscenity laws.

 

Alexsandr SolzhenitsynSolzhenitsyn(December 11th 1918 – August 3rd 2008)

Solzhenitsyn was a Russian novelist, whose accolades included winning the Nobel Prize in Literature. His novella, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, is widely considered the most powerful indictment of the USSR’s gulag system ever written. In 1973 the first of his three-volume account about life in the gulags, The Gulag Archipelago, caused such outrage in the Soviet Union that he was expelled from the country.

 

Salman RushdieSalmanRushdie(Born: June 19th 1947)

Rushdie’s second novel, Midnight’s Children, won the Booker Prize in 1981. His fourth book, The Satanic Verses, was deemed offensive by many Muslims, as it refers to a number of allegedly pagan verses, temporarily included in the Qur’an and later removed. When Ayatollah Khomeini issued a Fatwa against the author in 1989, Rushdie was rushed into protective custody, as rioting, book burnings and fire-bombings raged through the Muslim world.

 

Chuck PalahniukChuckPalahniuk(Born: February 21st 1962)

Palahniuk has constantly courted controversy with the content of his books; no mean feat in today’s era of tolerance. His short story, Guts, about masturbation accidents, contained in his book, Haunted, was met with such shock that people even passed out at public readings. Haunted is often voted in polls as one of the most disturbing books ever written. It has been banned along with the author’s other works in many schools.

 

Taslima NasrinTaslima Nasreen(Born: 25 August 1962)

Themes in controversial Bangladeshi author and poet Taslima Nasreen’s writing include female oppression and graphic language. When she criticised Islamic philosophy in her book Lajja (1993), a radical fundamentalist organisation called the Council of Islamic Soldiers offered a bounty for her head. The following year she fled Bangladesh to West Bengal. Concerns for her safety culminated in the author going into hiding in New Delhi. In 2015 she moved to the US.

 

Bret Easton EllisEaston-Ellis(Born: March 7th 1964)

Bret Easton Ellis’s third novel, the infamous American Psycho, caused uproar even before its release date. The book was viewed by many in the literary establishment as scandalous, due to its explicit violent sexual content, and its perceived misogynistic elements. Easton-Ellis has continued to court controversy ever since, not only through his books, but also with his incendiary Tweeting habits, which have included Tweets on such sensitive subjects as HIV and Aids.

 

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

My Easter Egg Hunt

Happy Easter. This week we take a sojourn from the usual book/author theme to explore the world of Easter Eggs. Sales at Easter time make up approximately 10% of UK chocolate spending for the whole year. We Britons love chocolate. In world league tables of per capita consumption the UK comes joint 4th behind Switzerland, Germany and Austria. As is the case every year my supermarket is seething with Easter chocolate.

IMG_2569

Amongst the usual culprits is this Lindt Giant Carrot.

IMG_1898

The Church of England never tires of reminding us that secularism and consumerism is resulting in religious traditions being increasingly marginalised. Their response is The Real Easter Egg (see below). These can be found in stores across the UK. The story of Jesus is depicted on the sides and back of the box.

IMG_2570

For those of us emaciated from our Lenten fasts might I suggest a gargantuan Easter egg (see below). If camouflaged with foliage this Easter Egg could masquerade as part of the scenery in an Easter egg hunt.

IMG_2540

Until recently I was under the impression that Easter eggs are supposed to be an opportunity to indulge oneself after the privations of Lent. This is no longer the case. Lent Continued Easter Eggs are everywhere these days, especially in WholeFoods. The below Smug Eggs moo free eggs are organic, GM free, wheat free, soya free… It appears that soya is no longer the go to dairy alternative. This is due to its purported health risks. How do I know? I listen in on people’s conversations when I go on my photography trips to WholeFoods.

IMG_2561

Prior to this Easter I had never seen the sweetener xylitol advertised on Easter Egg packaging (see below). To me it sounds as appealing as a swimming pool promoting its high chlorine content. Xylitol is all the rage at the moment I was soon to discover. Apparently it can reduce bacteria in your mouth by up to 90%. Does this mean that if you eat Easter Eggs with xylitol in you are cleaning your teeth at the same time?

IMG_2559

There’s always one. Not content with being oval, this Ladurée pretentious petal egg (see below) has embraced a postmodern deconstructed look. It is decorated with crystallised rose, jasmine and violet petals, garnished with dark, milk and praline chocolate figurines and bells. Cost: £72.50 ($102.47)

Laduree Petal Egg

Below are some aesthetically pleasing Easter Eggs that resemble real birds’ eggs.

IMG_2548

And here are some ostrich sized ones.

IMG_2544

One thing I have noticed this year is the prevalence of Easter chocolate being sold by companies that we do not usually associate with chocolate. Below are some Hello Kitty chocolate treats that I came across yesterday.

IMG_2567

I am an ardent devotee of Cadbury Creme Eggs (see below). But not all is well in the world of Cadbury Creme Eggs. Satisfaction has fallen dramatically amongst consumers since the product’s controversial recipe change, which saw Dairy Milk being replaced with ‘standard cocoa mix chocolate’. I must confess that I didn’t even notice.

creme egg

Whatever Easter Eggs you decide on, I hope you enjoy them.

…………………………………………………………….

I am the author of the black comedy Necropolis.

Necropolis

And the psychological thriller Symbiosis.

Symbiosis

Copyright © 2015. Guyportman's Blog

%d bloggers like this: