August | 2012 | Guy Portman's Blog

Charles Middleworth

Aug 31 2012

This week I am giving all visitors to my blog the opportunity to read the first two chapters of my book, Charles Middleworth for free. Charles Middleworth could best be described as contemporary literary fiction. The book was released at the end of June and to date it has been very well received.

Charles Middleworth is available from Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk in both paperback and on the Kindle.

The following is the blurb for Charles Middleworth:

What happens when Adrian, an actuary, has his banal and predictable existence turned upside down by sinister forces that he can neither understand nor control? How will he react to a revelation that leaves his life in turmoil? Will he surrender or strive for redemption in an altered world, where rationality, scientific logic and algorithms no longer provide the answers?

See what reviewers are saying about Charles Middleworth:

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’

‘Charles Middleworth is a literary masterpiece with a carefully woven plot.’

Click on one of the links below and read the first two chapters of Charles Middleworth for Free:

PDF – CharlesMiddleworth.pdf

Crabs

Aug 24 2012

Tuesday evening – The restaurant’s website had boasted of a culinary tour of the American South and included a multitude of superlatives, such as ‘wonderful’ and ‘truly amazing’. I eagerly inspect the menu. There is plethora of extravagances, including oysters, lobster, crab and shrimp, in addition to a mouth watering selection of steak and pork dishes. Some minutes the decision has been made to go with the She crab soup with sweet roe and grilled corn succotash, followed by the 12oz Ribeye steak with hollandaise and a crown of green beans.

In my famished state the minutes pass like an eternity. Taking occasional sips from my Budweiser I close my eyes and imagine the forthcoming dish in all its glory. A fresh red She crab, one powerful claw raised upwards, lying serenely in a rich buttery sauce, surrounded by a dizzying array of succulent vegetables (see picture 1).

The waiter approaches, deposits the starters on the table and then retreats hastily in the direction of the kitchen. Looking down I stare despairingly into a bowl of partially submerged black crustaceans, in a pool of murky liquid, becoming increasingly convinced that they are not in fact crabs, but rather some variety of mud dwelling shelled arachnid, plucked from the fetid banks of the polluted inner city river just metres away (see picture 2). There is no visible evidence of the promised sweet roe and grilled corn succotash and I can only assume that they have sunk to the depths.

Foolishly in a decision I was to later deeply regret, I consumed a number of these loathsome creatures, biting through the sharp shells, before forcing down the vile gooey interior with the aid of gulps of Budweiser. Moments later I had pushed the offending bowl away and was waiting with trepidation for the arrival of the steak. It was evident however from the expressions of disgust and the greenish hue on the visages of my dining companions that the dinner had come to an end. We cancelled our main courses and departed haughtily.

EuroMillions

Aug 17 2012

Last Friday – I was watching The Bank Job (starring Jason Statham) on television. Remembering I had a ticket for the x14 rolled over EuroMillions lottery draw, which had taken place earlier that evening, I turned over to check the numbers.

68.8 Miles away in Haverhill, Suffolk – Adrian Bayford was lying beached on his sofa. He too reached for the remote and turned over from The Bank Job to check his numbers. That’s where the similarities ended. For whilst I won £2.90, Mr Bayford was coming to the realisation that he had bagged the jackpot of £148,656,000, beating odds of 1 in 76,275,360.

Tuesday August 14^th – Early afternoon – I am walking along the street eating a Toblerone, bought with the profits from my Lottery windfall cashed in moments earlier at a Waitrose supermarket. On a big screen in the window of the estate agent beside me, I caught sight of a rotund and jovial couple spraying champagne, before holding a giant cheque in front of them in characteristic Camelot pose (see picture). The couple are the Bayfords.

I stand and watch the proceedings, unable to comprehend why it is that the Bayfords of their own free will are walking up to the Camelot gallows and willingly placing their heads in the hangman’s noose. For by waving their right to anonymity they are surely leaving themselves and their progeny open to a deluge of begging letters, con men and the prospect of being overcharged in shops and harangued in the street. And this is to say nothing of the ever present threat of robbery, burglary and kidnap. Then there’s the plethora of other potential problems such as extortion and the unpredictable nature of peoples’ jealousy and greed. Imagine walking along the street with people throwing themselves to the ground in front of you, before claiming you tripped them over and commencing legal proceedings.

I close my eyes and picture the Bayfords, alienated and alone in their new mock Tudor monstrosity of a home, as they peer through a gap in the Chanel curtains at a hostile world where they are now the prey. Imprisoned within this tomb to their decadence, they are too afraid to drag their corpulent carcasses outdoors to the swimming pool complex, for fear of the mass of tabloid journalists swarming overhead in helicopters like angry wasps.

The Toblerone is now finished. I throw the empty packet in the bin and continue along the street, basking in glorious anonymity as the rays of a resplendent sun shine down upon me.

Incidentally the main protagonist in my book is called Adrian though he is a rather different Adrian to the Adrian of the moment, Adrian Bayford.

I am very grateful to the kind readers who left positive reviews for Charles Middleworth on Amazon this week.

The Book Olympics

Aug 10 2012

What if there were an Olympics for books. One would probably be correct in assuming that the events in a Book Olympics would not be as enjoyable a spectacle as seeing the charismatic Bolt in full flight or cheering on your own country in their pursuit of medals. A Book Olympics would surely require a competing book’s performance to be judged over the entire duration of its life. Here are some possible Book Olympic events and results:

The High Jump – (highest number of book sales)

Athlete Coach Total Points (Sales)

Gold: A Tale of Two Cities Charles Dickens 200m

Silver: The Lord of The Rings J.R.R Tolkien 150m

Bronze: The Hobbit J.R.R Tolkien 100m

(These results were compiled by ranker.com)

The Long Jump – (longest book in the English language)

Athlete Coach Metres (No of words)

Gold: Mission Earth L.Ron Hubbard 1.2m

Silver: Sironia, Texas Madison Cooper 1.1m

Bronze: Clarissa Samuel Richardson 969k

(These results are courtesy of listverse.com)

Please note that I have disqualified a Mark Leach book, which purportedly has 17m words. The reason being that Mark seemingly wrote this monologue with the sole purpose of being the author of the longest book. In my opinion this performance enhanced result is not in the spirit of the Book Olympics.

Individual Mentions

Best Athlete of 2012

Winner – Fifty Shades of Grey (E L James)

This probably didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Nearly 40m copies of this book have been sold so far and it’s only one part of a trilogy. The author has no plans to return to her day job anytime soon.

Worst Performing Competitor Ever (Award)

Winner – BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! by ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON.

Please note the winner was selected not by me but by the popular author Michael N.Marcus in his book Stinkers.

I was keen to read the book myself but due to its cost (£113.92) I decided against it. The reason for it being chosen as the winner in its category includes but is not limited to:

Every letter in book capitalised
Ridden with grammatical errors
Ludicrous subject matter
Excessive price tag
Neurotic nature of its author

Up and Coming Athlete

Charles Middleworth by Guy Portman (that’s me by the way). This humorous tale of the unexpected is available through Amazon in paperback and on Kindle (£1.96).

Blog Post & Book Review

Aug 03 2012

Adidas are not only an official partner of London 2012 but their motto ‘Impossible is Nothing’ seems to me an apt description for the first week of The Games.
Prior to this week, I would probably have laughed if you had told me that a girl would swim faster than the men and that a small malnourished nation, famous for its despotic nuclear bomb obsessed leaders, would all be it briefly be in fifth position in the all-round medal table. Then there’s the exploits of Team GB; four gold medals in twenty-four hours and the fact that not only has Heathrow not collapsed under the influx of visitors, but our notoriously brittle public transport system continues to survive despite the massive strain placed upon it. What more remarkable feats will we witness during the remainder of The Games?
On another subject I read Tollesbury Time Forever by Stuart Ayris this week. I enjoyed the book and include my review of it below.

Tollesbury Time Forever by Stuart Ayris

Simon Anthony, a resident of the picturesque village of Tollesbury is an avid Beatles fan with a history of mental health issues and a dependence on alcohol. One evening an inebriated Simon staggers out of his local ‘The King’s Head’ and heads off in the direction of Tollesbury Salt Marshes with the intended purpose of bringing his troubled existence to an end.

Instead of meeting his demise in the marshes however, Simon finds himself thrust into the past, to Tollesbury, in the year 1836, where despite the all too familiar surroundings, he finds himself a stranger. The setting is both atmospheric and believable with a host of interesting and appealing characters. The sentimental and at times nostalgic narrative allows the reader to reflect on the fundamental nature of their own existence.

This is a highly original work; from the main protagonist, Simon, an unlikely hero with an unconventional lifestyle and complex personality to the quotes taken from Beatles songs. The author is successful in evoking both compassion and understanding, as he portrays the complexities of what is labelled mental illness within the context of a vulnerable individual seeking his place in the world, as he attempts to come to grips with the turbulent events that have contributed into moulding him into the man that he is today.

Stuart Ayris employs a flawless, flowing prose, which is at times poetic and always compelling. He has also written another book, ‘A Cleansing of the Souls’ and is currently working on a third novel.

Archive - August 2012

Charles Middleworth

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Crabs

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EuroMillions

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The Book Olympics

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Blog Post & Book Review

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Archive - August 2012

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