Twitter Species

Nearly two years ago in May 2012, shortly after starting this blog, and one month before the release of my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth, I made a detailed study of the various species that inhabit Twitter.  Now a month removed from the launch of my second book, Necropolis, I grab my binoculars, specimen jars and butterfly net, and head off once more to the deepest, darkest depths of the Twittersphere.

The following is what I discovered.  (Note: It includes species found in my last study + some new discoveries).

#Hyperactive #Hashtaggers (Perquam strennus) – #Hyperactive #Hashtaggers are incessant Tweeters that usually tweet 24 hours a day.  During peak Tweeting hours around dusk and dawn single specimens have been recorded Tweeting as frequently as every 19 seconds.  #Hyperactive #Hashtagger Tweeting calls can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety due to the ubiquitous #.  9 #’s have been recorded in a single Tweet.  

Harmonious Helpers (Concordi adiutor) – These enthusiastic, contented Tweeters Tweet only during waking hours, at a rate rarely exceeding 10 tweets per hour, or a 100 per day.  The Tweeting call of the Harmonious Helper is always positive and often contains words like thank you/greeting/welcome (regional variations may apply).  A high percentage of Tweets (about 49%) are either part of or result in a conversation.  Harmonious Helpers’ often provide detailed instructional Tweets for the benefit of other species.

Continual Commentators (Semper Nuntius) – These swamp dwelling creatures Tweet primarily during nocturnal hours after the cessation of their foraging activities.  Their Tweeting call is usually in the form of a statement, is opinionated, and is not part of a conversation.  Responses to their Tweets have only rarely been recorded in the wild.

It was with a heavy heart that I viewed a solitary specimen from my previous study (2 years ago) still Tweeting its opinions about TV shows and political views without response.

Forex Foragers – Forex Foragers Tweeting calls consist of unintelligible utterances such as:

Best Forex Robot FOREX INCOME ENGINE BILL POULOS COMPLETE SET BRAMD NEW annoyingforexspammer/q3

This researcher can only assume these Tweets mean something to its fellow species. 

Convivial Communicators (Amica Garrulus) – The Convivial Communicator is a social Tweeter, whose Tweeting call is audible throughout its waking hours.  Tweets can be distinguished in part by the lengthy pause between each utterance.  Tweets generally take the form of RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self-promotion.  Tweets very rarely contain facts, quotes, criticism or judgement.

Irritating Interlopers (Vexo Tertius) – These carrion consuming creatures generally Tweet in short flurries several times a day.  It is very unusual for an Irritating Interloper’s Tweets to either be part of a conversation or to result in one.  Tweets are in the form of statements, usually contain capitalisation, and one of more occurrence of the word I, Me or My (regional variations may apply).  Other species’ have been recorded recoiling at the sound of a lone Irritating Interloper’s Tweeting call, before moving hastily out of Tweeting range.

Inspirational Innovators (Inspiratori Novitatis) – Inspirational Innovators Tweet intermittently on a daily basis.  Tweeting generally occurs about 6 to 10 times in any given 24 period.  Inspirational Innovators are pensive, rational creatures, who generally tweet about a single topic, which they deem will inspire creatures with an interest in this subject matter.

Positive Proselytizers – (Prima proselytizers) – A subspecies of the Inspiration Innovator.  Positive Proselytizers are of a religious/spiritual disposition and do not shy away from sharing the ‘good’ news. 

Mundane Messengers (mundana enim adnuntiantis) – Tweeting habits consist of Tweeting random, non-inspirational information sporadically throughout waking hours.  Whilst conducting this study I observed several Mundane Messenger Tweets, including something about a cheese sandwich and wanting to put the kettle on.

Comical Contributors (Conferunt ridiculum) – Comical Contributors sole purpose is to cause amusement.  They also utilise Tweeting displays (videos & pictures).  Comical Contributors have the ability to bring a modicum of colour to a recipient’s day. 

Distressing Discombobulaters – (Molestus confuse) – Tweeting is incessant (rates of about 100 Tweets per hour, every hour for days at a time have been recorded).  Tweet composition generally takes the form of a combination of quotes and sales pitches with no/few RTs’.  It is this researcher’s opinion that this species’ voracious Tweeting habits will result in its extinction, as specimens are left with little time to perform necessary functions such as eating.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

My second book, Necropolis (Release date: April 24th) is a work of dark humorous fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council.  Further details to follow…