2014 | Guy Portman's Blog

Sociopaths in Literature

Mar 28 2014

Sociopath – A person with a psychopathic personality whose behaviour is antisocial, often criminal, and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

Sociopathic personality traits include – superficial charm, glibness, manipulative behaviour, lack of remorse, grandiose sense of self, lack of realistic life planning, shallow emotions, lack of remorse, lack of empathy, incapacity for love, promiscuous sexual habits and/or parasitic behaviours.

My second book, Necropolis ~~(release date April 24th)~~ is a humorous work of dark fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. His name is Dyson. Dyson has many of the characteristics associated with sociopathic personality types.

Sociopaths have long fascinated us. One of the reasons for this is that we wonder what we could accomplish if we were not burdened by that complex obstacle that is a conscience.

There are numerous examples of sociopathic type personalities in literature. These include in chronological order:

The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli (We, the reader are urged to be sociopathic)

Othello by Shakespeare (Iago)

Macbeth by Shakespeare (Macbeth)

Persuasion by Jane Austen (Mr. Elliot)

Vanity Fair by William Thackeray (Becky Sharp)

East of Eden by John Steinbeck (Cathy)

A number of influential books have had sociopathic protagonists. These include:

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (Alex)

The Killer Inside Me by Jim Thompson (Lou) [Click on link to read my review]

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (Patrick Bateman) [Click on link to read my review]

Necropolis is a darkly humorous addition to the sociopath genre.

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Black Humour

Mar 21 2014

My second book, Necropolis ~~(Release date: April 24th)~~ is a humorous work of dark fiction about a sociopath named Dyson, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. This week’s blog post is dedicated to the black humour genre.

The Encyclopaedia Britannica defines black humour (black comedy) – As writing that juxtaposes morbid or ghastly elements with comical ones that underscore the senselessness or futility of life.

(Note: Click on links to read my review of the given book)

Prior to the 1960’s the term black comedy was not commonly used. Early exponents include Joseph Heller, Nathanael West and Vladimir Nabokov (Lolita), Thomas Pynchon and Kurt Vonnegut.

It could be argued that the antecedents of the genre include the 5th Century BC Greek comedian Aristophanes and Voltaire’s seminal work, Candide.

Contemporary authors who utilise black humour in their writing include Irvine Welsh, Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho, Less Than Zero & Glamorama), Andrey Kurkov (Death And The Penguin) and Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club, Haunted, Damned, Doomed & Choke).

The following is a short extract from my ~~forthcoming~~ book, Necropolis.

Why, when I work in Burials and Cemeteries, is everyone always so alive? Take this morning for instance. Council workers mingle incessantly in the passageways, talking animatedly about the usual banalities; Christmas shopping, weekend plans and family updates – anything other than work. The telephone rings remorselessly, the in-tray creaks under its heavy burden and there are requests too. Frank asking me to proof-read a sheltered housing proposal document, the education department with a question about Sage, and Grace, appearing at my desk, crucifix dangling from her neck, requesting that I speak to a Guyanese council leisure facility user on the telephone in French. On such a sunny day I only wish I were alone in Newton Old, perched on a grave, reading a newspaper and drinking a cafe latte extra hot with soy milk from Starbucks.

Twitter Species

Mar 14 2014

Nearly two years ago in May 2012, shortly after starting this blog, and one month before the release of my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth, I made a detailed study of the various species that inhabit Twitter. Now a month removed from the launch of my second book, Necropolis, I grab my binoculars, specimen jars and butterfly net, and head off once more to the deepest, darkest depths of the Twittersphere.

The following is what I discovered. (Note: It includes species found in my last study + some new discoveries).

#Hyperactive #Hashtaggers (Perquam strennus) – #Hyperactive #Hashtaggers are incessant Tweeters that usually tweet 24 hours a day. During peak Tweeting hours around dusk and dawn single specimens have been recorded Tweeting as frequently as every 19 seconds. #Hyperactive #Hashtagger Tweeting calls can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety due to the ubiquitous #. 9 #’s have been recorded in a single Tweet.

Harmonious Helpers (Concordi adiutor) – These enthusiastic, contented Tweeters Tweet only during waking hours, at a rate rarely exceeding 10 tweets per hour, or a 100 per day. The Tweeting call of the Harmonious Helper is always positive and often contains words like thank you/greeting/welcome (regional variations may apply). A high percentage of Tweets (about 49%) are either part of or result in a conversation. Harmonious Helpers’ often provide detailed instructional Tweets for the benefit of other species.

Continual Commentators (Semper Nuntius) – These swamp dwelling creatures Tweet primarily during nocturnal hours after the cessation of their foraging activities. Their Tweeting call is usually in the form of a statement, is opinionated, and is not part of a conversation. Responses to their Tweets have only rarely been recorded in the wild.

It was with a heavy heart that I viewed a solitary specimen from my previous study (2 years ago) still Tweeting its opinions about TV shows and political views without response.

Forex Foragers – Forex Foragers Tweeting calls consist of unintelligible utterances such as:

Best Forex Robot FOREX INCOME ENGINE BILL POULOS COMPLETE SET BRAMD NEW annoyingforexspammer/q3

This researcher can only assume these Tweets mean something to its fellow species.

Convivial Communicators (Amica Garrulus) – The Convivial Communicator is a social Tweeter, whose Tweeting call is audible throughout its waking hours. Tweets can be distinguished in part by the lengthy pause between each utterance. Tweets generally take the form of RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self-promotion. Tweets very rarely contain facts, quotes, criticism or judgement.

Irritating Interlopers (Vexo Tertius) – These carrion consuming creatures generally Tweet in short flurries several times a day. It is very unusual for an Irritating Interloper’s Tweets to either be part of a conversation or to result in one. Tweets are in the form of statements, usually contain capitalisation, and one of more occurrence of the word I, Me or My (regional variations may apply). Other species’ have been recorded recoiling at the sound of a lone Irritating Interloper’s Tweeting call, before moving hastily out of Tweeting range.

Inspirational Innovators (Inspiratori Novitatis) – Inspirational Innovators Tweet intermittently on a daily basis. Tweeting generally occurs about 6 to 10 times in any given 24 period. Inspirational Innovators are pensive, rational creatures, who generally tweet about a single topic, which they deem will inspire creatures with an interest in this subject matter.

Positive Proselytizers – (Prima proselytizers) – A subspecies of the Inspiration Innovator. Positive Proselytizers are of a religious/spiritual disposition and do not shy away from sharing the ‘good’ news.

Mundane Messengers (mundana enim adnuntiantis) – Tweeting habits consist of Tweeting random, non-inspirational information sporadically throughout waking hours. Whilst conducting this study I observed several Mundane Messenger Tweets, including something about a cheese sandwich and wanting to put the kettle on.

Comical Contributors (Conferunt ridiculum) – Comical Contributors sole purpose is to cause amusement. They also utilise Tweeting displays (videos & pictures). Comical Contributors have the ability to bring a modicum of colour to a recipient’s day.

Distressing Discombobulaters – (Molestus confuse) – Tweeting is incessant (rates of about 100 Tweets per hour, every hour for days at a time have been recorded). Tweet composition generally takes the form of a combination of quotes and sales pitches with no/few RTs’. It is this researcher’s opinion that this species’ voracious Tweeting habits will result in its extinction, as specimens are left with little time to perform necessary functions such as eating.

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My second book, Necropolis ~~(Release date: April 24th)~~ is a work of dark humorous fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Further details to follow…

Bizarre Author Deaths VIII

Mar 07 2014

Yes I am aware that I stated fairly emphatically four weeks ago that there would be no further instalments to the Bizarre Author Deaths series. However it transpired that I had overlooked two worthy inclusions.

Albert Camus

(November 7th 1913 – January 4th 1960)

Notable works: The Rebel, The Stranger & The Plague

The Algerian born Albert Camus was a Nobel Prize winning author, journalist and philosopher, who contributed to the rise of absurdist philosophy. Camus is perhaps best remembered today for his seminal work, The Plague, a philosophical work of fiction about a plague epidemic that explores themes such as destiny and solidarity.

In January 1960 the forty-six-year-old writer was about to embark on a train journey from Provence to Paris, when his publisher and friend, Michel Gallimand, persuaded him to take the train instead. The author never made it to Paris, as Gallimand lost control of the car near Sens, killing Camus instantly.

Fifty-one years later a Milanese newspaper claimed Camus had been killed in an elaborate plot orchestrated by the KGB, due to the author’s relentless criticism of the Soviet Union. Examples of Camus’s hatred for the Soviets included a scathing attack in his work, L’Homme Révolté (The Rebel), as well as an anti-Soviet speech in 1957 on the anniversary of the previous year’s Hungarian Revolution. However most analysts have dispelled this conspiracy theory as being false and fanciful.

Gustav Kobbé

(March 4th 1857 – July 27th 1918)

Notable works: Miriam, The Pianolist & The Complete Opera Book

American music critic and author Gustav Kobbé had a successful career contributing music and drama related articles to a host of influential magazines and periodicals. After starting his career as co-editor of the Musical Review, he went on to become the music critic of the New York Herald. Kobbé was on the verge of international fame with his nearly completed, The Complete Opera Book, when he met his demise.

On July 27th 1918, Kobbé, an avid sailor, was out sailing in the Great South Bay off Bay Shore, New York, when an errant seaplane coming into land, misjudged its descent and struck his boat, killing the opera critic instantly.

Kobbé’s almost finished work, The Complete Opera Book, was published posthumously in the United States in 1919 and the UK in 1922. To this day it remains the opera lover’s bible.

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My second book, Necropolis, ~~is due for release on April 24th. Necropolis~~ is a work of humorous dark fiction about a psychopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Further information to follow …

Click here to read Bizarre Author Deaths VII

The Brompton Cemetery

Feb 28 2014

My second book, Necropolis ~~(Release Date: April 24th)~~, is a humorous plot driven work of dark fiction about a psychopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Due to the cemetery theme I am dedicating this blog post to the cemetery closest to my own heart, the Brompton Cemetery. I was born in a hospital adjoining the cemetery, spent countless hours of my childhood there – walking, skateboarding, feeding its many squirrels and inspecting its grave sites. To this day I continue to live in the vicinity and regularly visit this remarkable sanctuary. Perhaps one day I will find a permanent residence here. Below is the Old Brompton Road entrance to the Brompton Cemetery.

Consecrated in June 1840, the cemetery covers 16.5 hectares (39 acres). This necropolis is one of the ‘Magnificent Seven’ set of cemeteries that were built during this era, others include Kensal Green and Highgate Cemetery. The Brompton Cemetery (originally called The West of London and Westminster Cemetery) came into existence due to concerns that churchyards in central London were getting too full and that they posed a health hazard (London’s population doubled to 2.3m in the first half of the 19th Century). Since 1840 over 205,000 people have been interred in the Brompton Cemetery.

Taking an opportunity to visit during a lull in the relentless rain this week, I came across this fox (see above). The lustre coat of this specimen bears testimony to the fact that it is not only the dead that thrive here.

I am not the only writer to have sought inspiration in the Brompton Cemetery. Beatrix Potter lived close to the burial ground and would often take walks here. She named many of the characters in Peter Rabbit after those buried in the cemetery, including Nutkins, McGregor, Jeremiah Fisher and Peter Rabbett.

Amongst the many famous people interred here is Dr John Snow (see picture above). Snow was a pioneering anaesthetist and the discoverer of the cause of cholera. In 1887 two Oglala Sioux Native Americans, Surrounded By the Enemy and Red Penny, died whilst on tour with Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. They were both buried in the cemetery. To date I have been unable to locate the site of their graves.

The Brompton Cemetery abounds with magnificent architecture including a number of family crypts or mausoleums (see below).

The main character in my ~~forthcoming~~ book Necropolis wishes to be interred in a mausoleum and I think I would too. Seclusion is a wonderful thing in life and one can only assume it is also in death. The Brompton Cemetery’s gravestones, tombs, plinths and mausoleums embrace a blend of grandeur, sombreness and good taste (see below). This is not always the case in modern burial facilities, much to the chagrin of the main character Dyson in Necropolis.

Many soldiers are buried in the cemetery. Below is the memorial to the Brigade of Guards.

The catacombs were originally added to the Brompton Cemetery as a cheaper alternative to burial. However of the thousands of spaces available, only about 500 were ever filled. Below is one of the catacombs as observed from ground level.

The catacombs really don’t seem that enticing as a final resting place (see below)

(Courtesy of www.thebohemianblog.com)

Below is the cemetery’s chapel as viewed from the colonnade.

Surely there can be no better place to be laid to rest in this great city than the Brompton Cemetery.

Transgressive Fiction II

Feb 21 2014

My second book, Necropolis, is a humorous work of dark fiction about a psychopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Necropolis could be described as Transgressive fiction, and it is for this reason that I have dedicated two blog posts to the subject.

Transgressive literature is a genre that focuses on characters who feel confined by the norms and expectations of society and who break free of those confines in unusual and/or illicit ways.

Protagonists in Transgressive literature are in one form or other rebelling against society. Due to this they may appear to be anti-social, nihilistic or even sociopathic. Transgressive literature deals with potentially controversial subjects such as sex, drugs, crime, violence and paraphilia.

Last week we looked at a number of early and mid 20th Century authors, who wrote books that could be labelled as Transgressive. The authors were James Joyce, D.H. Lawrence, Vladimir Nabokov and William S. Burroughs. This week we continue in the same vein with:

Charles Bukowski

August 16th 1920 – March 9th 1994

Notable Transgressive Works: Post Office, Factotum, Women, Ham on Rye

Charles Bukowski’s writing could best be described as Dirty realism and/or Transgressive literature. Heavily influenced by his home city of Los Angeles, Bukowski wrote about disillusionment, alcohol consumption, women, a loathing of authority and the dehumanising nature of low-level work, all presented in his unique visceral writing style. His seminal work, Post Office, is a semi-autobiographical account of his years of drudgery at the post office prior to writing the book by the same name. Bukowski is a cult figure, whose writing remains popular to this day, despite the fact that he has been accused by some of being misogynistic.

Click here to read my blog post about Charles Bukowski

Click on the links to read my reviews of Post Office, Factotum & Pulp

Hunter S. Thompson

July 18th 1937 – February 20th 2005

Notable Transgressive Works: Hells Angels, Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas, The Rum Diary

Hunter S. Thompson was a controversial author and journalist with a penchant for alcohol, drugs and guns. The Gonzo Journalist’s most famous work, the cult classic, Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas, is about a journalist and his attorney consuming a vast array of pharmaceuticals in Las Vegas. First published in nineteen seventy-one against the backdrop of Vietnam, and President Nixon’s declaration of war on drugs, the book can be viewed as a savage indictment of a corrupt, violent, ignorant, polarised and disillusioned nation, hell-bent on a path to self-destruction.

Click here to read my blog post about Hunter S. Thompson

Click here to read my review of Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas

Irvine Welsh

Born: 27 September 1958

Notable Transgressive Works: Trainspotting, The Acid House, Skagboys, Filth, Porno

As the titles of many of the iconic Scottish writer’s books suggest, Irvine Welsh’s controversial themes include, drug abuse, soccer hooliganism, sexual perversion, inner city poverty and brutality. His first book, Trainspotting, about Scottish housing scheme dwelling heroin addicts, disgusted some in the literary world, was later adapted for the cinema and is now regarded as a cult classic. Perhaps Welsh’s most controversial book, Filth, has a tapeworm afflicted, misanthropic, corrupt policeman as its protagonist, whose pastimes include sexual abuse and gorging on junk good, alcohol and cocaine.

Bret Easton Ellis

Born: March 7th 1964

Notable Transgressive Works: Less Than Zero, American Psycho, Glamorama, The Informers

Disillusioned, nihilistic and even sociopathic characters are the staple of cult author Bret Easton Ellis’s books. His most famous work, the infamous American Psycho, caused outrage even before it was published, as many in the literary establishment were disgusted with the sexual violence and what some viewed as the misogynistic nature of its contents. American Psycho went on to become one of the most influential books of the nineties and secured the author his legacy as an important literary figure.

Click here to read my reviews of Less Than Zero, American Psycho, Glamorama & Lunar Park

Chuck Palahniuk

Born: February 21st 1962

Notable Transgressive Works: Fight Club, Haunted, Choke, Snuff

Palahniuk has constantly courted controversy with the content of his books. Fight Club, which remains to this day his most celebrated effort, was viewed as extremely controversial when the film version was released in 1999, only six months after the Columbine school shootings.

Palahniuk’s dark and disturbing fiction has continued to scandalise ever since. His book Haunted is often voted in polls as one of the most disturbing books ever written. In Turkey, the translator of Palahniuk’s book, Snuff, was detained and interrogated by the police over what the authorities regarded as the book’s offensive content.

Click on the links to read my reviews of Choke, Damned, Fight Club & Haunted

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Transgressive Fiction

Feb 14 2014

Transgressive literature is a genre that focuses on characters who feel confined by the norms and expectations of society and who break free of those confines in unusual and/or illicit ways.

Though fiction of this kind has only relatively recently been labelled as Transgressive, its origins lie in the literature of the past. The writing of the Marquis de Sade, Émile Zola and even Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s seminal work, Crime and Punishment, have been described as Transgressive, due to what at the time was perceived as their controversial subject matter.

The following 20th Century authors all wrote books that could be labelled as Transgressive. They are presented in chronological order:

James Joyce

February 2nd 1882 – January 13th 1941

Notable Transgressive Work: Ulysses

James Joyce was a central figure in the modernist avant-garde. His seminal work, Ulysses, embraced a revolutionary stream of consciousness style that influenced many later writers. At the time of its publication, the masturbation scene in the book’s Nausicäa episode was viewed as so scandalous that it was the subject of an obscenity trial in the United States. Ulysses came out victorious and the case is today remembered as a landmark in literary free speech.

Click here to read my blog post about James Joyce

D.H. Lawrence

September 11th 1885 – March 2nd 1930

Notable Transgressive Works: Lady Chatterley’s Lover, The Rainbow

D.H. Lawrence’s novel The Rainbow faced an obscenity trial and was banned, all copies being seized and burnt by the authorities. Perhaps his most famous novel, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, though published was heavily censored, due to what was regarded at the time as its pornographic content. Thirty years after Lawrence’s death in 1960 Penguin attempted to publish the original version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover, but were forced to go to trial because of the ‘Obscene Publications Act’ of the previous year.

Click here to read my blog post about D.H. Lawrence

Vladimir Nabokov

April 22nd 1899 – July 2nd 1977

Notable Transgressive Work: Lolita

Lolita, Nabokov’s most famous work, is widely regarded as one of the greatest novels of the 20th Century. The book is also amongst the most controversial books of all time due to its sensitive subject matter. To this day Lolita continues to court controversy. In 2013 the producer of a long-running one-man show in Saint Petersburg, in which Leonid Mozgovoy reads out passages from Lolita on-stage, was assaulted after being accused of being a paedophile.

Click here to read my review of Lolita

William S. Burroughs

February 5th 1914 – August 2nd 1997

Notable Transgressive Works: Junkie, Queer, The Soft Machine, Naked Lunch

The writers of The Beat Generation wrote about disillusionment and rebellion. One of its most famous exponents, William S. Burroughs, was a controversial character with a penchant for rent boys and heroin, who rebelled against the social norms of his era by writing about disillusionment, drugs and homosexuality. Arguably his most famous book, the non-linear Naked Lunch was viewed as so scandalous at the time of its publication that it underwent a court case under U.S. obscenity laws. In 2012 a Turkish publisher faced obscenity charges after releasing a Turkish translation of The Soft Machine.

Click here to read my review of Queer

Click here to read Transgressive Fiction Part 2

Bizarre Author Deaths VII

Feb 07 2014

This is likely to be the final instalment of my Bizarre Author Deaths series. I have more or less exhausted this fascinating if morbid subject matter, and there will be no further additions until there is a fresh batch of deaths.

Sherwood Anderson

(September 13th 1876 – March 8th 1941)

Notable works: Winesburg, Ohio & Dark Laughter

The Ohio born Sherwood Anderson is today remembered more for his influence on the following generation of writers than for his own writing efforts. Ignoring the literary devices of his era, Anderson wrote portraits of American life in a precise, simple and unsentimental writing style that others would become more famous for than he.

Though many of his works were published posthumously, Anderson did find fame during his lifetime with his interrelated short story sequence, Winesburg, Ohio, published in 1919, and his bestselling novel, Dark Laughter.

The writer is also remembered for the bizarre nature of his death. In 1941 at the age of sixty-four, Anderson fell ill with abdominal pains on a cruise to South America. He was rushed to hospital in Colón, Panama, where he was diagnosed with peritonitis and died. The autopsy revealed that he had swallowed a toothpick, which had damaged his internal organs, causing the infection. It is widely assumed that this occurred when the author was eating the olive from a martini.

Pietro Aretino

(April 20th 1492 – October 21st 1556)

Notable works: La contigiana & La talenta

This Italian author, playwright, poet and satirist was a major influence on both contemporary art and politics, in addition to being regarded as the inventor of modern literate pornography. An unrepentant satirist, Aretino is perhaps best remembered for his humorous and scathing letters, in which he attacked both the authorities and a host of aristocrats. This practice earned the writer fame, numerous enemies and the nickname, flagello dei principi or scourge of princes.

Ironically the humourist purportedly met his demise due to laughing himself to death. There has been much speculation over how this occurred. One version is that he was at a party, when a guest told Aretino a humorous joke, involving the writer’s own sisters (possibly imaginary ones) and the brothel that they were employed at. Rather than taking offense, Aretino found the story so amusing that he was unable to stop laughing, and falling back in his chair, died of suffocation.

Click here to read Part VI

Tax Return Deadline Day

Jan 31 2014

Friday 13:05 – The Supermarket Queue

I am clasping a basket containing some oranges, six eggs and a newspaper. Whilst I wait I contemplate what I will blog about this afternoon, prior to being collected by a friend at 15:45, destination the countryside. My weekly blog post goes out at 16:03 every Friday. I am stringent about this; it must be 16:03. Perhaps my blog will be the final instalment of my Bizarre Author Deaths series, or possibly my proposed Amazon KDP Select promotion for Charles Middleworth, my humorous and insightful novel about an actuary named Adrian, or something about my forthcoming book Necropolis, or perhaps…. I am at the front of the queue. I place the basket in front of the checkout person.

‘Good afternoon,’ she says.
‘Ten silk cut purple.’
Turning to the cigarette shelves she reaches out and clasps a packet.
‘Not those, the purple ones ………… yes those.’

Something catches my attention on the back page of my newspaper. It is not the football transfer day related headline that grabs me, but the date printed at the top of the page. I bend towards it, muttering, ‘no no please no,’ as I do so. Despite drawing ever closer, the date still reads, January 31st. Perhaps it is a misprint. Looking up I ask the checkout woman, ‘Please tell me its not January 31st, tax return deadline d-a-y?’ the words petering out towards the end.

‘It’s January 31st,’ she states somewhat gleefully.
Turning around I am faced by the next in line in the queue, a sombre suited man. ‘Tell me it’s not,’ I say in a pleading tone.
‘It’s January 31st,’ he says.

I take my iPhone from my pocket. It too states it is January 31st. And then I am throwing my items into a shopping bag, snatching my change and running for home, lamenting as I go how tax return day could have snuck up so stealthily, without the slightest concern for my wellbeing, me who always has everything meticulously planned well ahead of time. There is no way I am paying the fine for a late filing of my return, not this year. Due to time constraints my blog post will have to be about my quest to get my tax return done on time. As I run let me explain the need for such haste. The house where I am staying in the countryside is fairly remote and has no internet, the only internet is twenty minutes away in the ah the ah local ah ah town …. in the ah ah the public, the public ah ah library, next to the ah ah supermarket and it ah ah ah closes at six or seven and it is too ah ah far away ah ah … to, to ah ah make on time, as it ah ah three ah hours drive ah from London. It’s ah ah ah now or ah never for ah ah ah complet…ing the ah return….

At home I rummage through my filing cabinet, scouring for anything vaguely resembling tax related paper work. Receipts, statements, last year’s returns, pages of notes, more receipts – all are extracted at a feverish pace. My end of year bank statements are nowhere to be seen – panicked I scour the contents of the cabinet again – to no avail. Then I remember I have online banking.

2 mins later – The page does not load. I wait pleading for what seems an eternity, hitting the return button with increasing ferocity. Still the page does not load. The modem’s orange flashing light reveals there is a problem. ‘Not here not now,’ I shout aloud whilst shaking the modem vigorously with one hand, as if it were a maraca. It does not respond. I set off at haste for the bank.

13:23 – The Bank
2 hours 22 mins until Departure
11 hours 37 mins until Tax Deadline
2 hours 40 mins until Blog Post Deadline

The queue stretches almost to street. Wintery gusts of wind howl through the door, as I bend down hands on knees fighting for breath.

The minutes pass like an eternity, five…………ten…………….fifteen…………sixteen………..seventeen. I am now next in-line. A customer is walking away from till 1. I approach. The cashier is walking off. Despite my loud protestations she continues, a mere shrug of the shoulders her only response. Crumpling a piece of paper in one hand, I wait patiently, pacing in circles as I do so. The customer at till 2 – a smiley female in a garish anorak holding one of those shopping wheeled trolley (c.f. similar to the one in the picture but with a floral pattern) is chatting with the cashier about the weather and the forthcoming weekend, banalities that have no relation to banking. Why now when I am in such a rush does the impersonal, unfriendly nature of the city have to desert me. It is as if these two are chatting in the friendly village shop. I clap my hands. The woman turns. She glowers at me. I tap my wrist where a watch would be, if I had one, with the index finger of my right hand before doing a fast-forward rolling motion with my arms. It is quite sometime before she leaves, trolley trailing behind her.

(Courtesy of www.goognightlittlespoon.com)

15:27 – Home
18 mins until Departure
8 hours 33 mins until Tax Deadline
35 mins until Blog Post Due

Completing fields related to income and tax, calculating complex calculations, estimates, creating equations, cross referencing previous years – I navigate the Inland Revenue’s self assessment online tax return form with a consummate ease, in a similar manner to how my protagonist, actuary Adrian would in my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth (Available from Amazon in paperback/Kindle). Periodically I alternate to Word and type this blog post at a feverish pace, all the while keeping a close eye on the relentlessly ticking clock. Multi-tasking is my middle name. In our hectic modern world this is an essential attribute, and I am its number one exponent, I also have great timekeeping skills and always exude a calm, composed professional air in everything I do, even when under intense pressure such as now.

The Inland Revenue states at the top of the page how far one is into the return:

30% complete, ………….. 50% …………80% …………….. 90%

The page is not responding and I am left languishing at 90%. I hit the return key several times – still it does not respond. A flickering orange light flashing on the modem confirms my worst fears. I thump my fist on the desk and then mutter an Our Father and two quick Hail Marys’. The modem light turns green. In no time at all I am checking my completed tax return – cross referencing amounts, checking figures, liabilities, net, gross and estimated figures. I press send. The page is sending, sending, sending…sent. I punch the air victoriously and then it is back to the blog. Yes that picture of the HM Revenue and Customs logo is appropriate (see picture) and that one of the trolley with wheels will do (see picture 2) .

15:42
3 mins until Departure
8 hours 18 mins until Tax Deadline
20 mins until Blog Post Due

The doorbell rings. I open the window and shout out, ‘one minute’. Back in my revolving office chair, I scour the blog post for typos, reduce the size of the images by 30%, insert tags, categories and schedule it for 16:03.

……………………………. UPDATE – 2 mins until blog post due – I am furiously typing this blog post update on my friend’s iPad in the car, hurrying to get it done by my 16:03 deadline. 18 minutes ago when I finished the post, I grabbed my suitcase, ran down the stairs and out the front door, slamming it behind me. Standing in the near freezing, cold precipitation, I realised I had forgotten my coat. I reached into my pocket for the house keys to let myself back in. They were not in my pocket. I was locked out. My wallet is in my coat pocket. Looking up at my friend I explain that I will have to borrow money from him for this weekend. The smile dissipates from his face. In the car he hands me an iPad, instructing me in no uncertain terms that I am to transfer money to his bank account before he lends me any. After I finish this blog post extension I will do exactly that. He has 3G you see, so I can use the internet in the car, which means I could probably have completed my tax return here in the passenger seat and I needn’t have been in such a hurry after all….

There is not a good blog without great readability

Jan 28 2014

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Archive - 2014

Sociopaths in Literature

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Black Humour

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Bizarre Author Deaths VIII

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The Brompton Cemetery

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Transgressive Fiction II

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Transgressive Fiction

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Bizarre Author Deaths VII

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Tax Return Deadline Day

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There is not a good blog without great readability

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Archive - 2014

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