2018 | Guy Portman's Blog

30 Free Humour Books

Aug 10 2018

Today, I am posting four hours earlier than normal. This is to give you more time to take advantage of this free books offer.

Searching for you next humorous read? Look no further!

I have teamed up with my fellow humour authors to offer you a selection of 30 FREE books, which include one of mine. Click on the link below to discover which one it is. This is a one off opportunity to get many of these books for free. But time is of the essence. The offer ends Saturday morning at 07:50 A.M. GMT. Happy reading.

Click here to claim your free books.

My Works In Progress

Aug 03 2018

This week’s post is about my works in progress. Presently, I am working on two projects, both of which are of the satirical, dark humour variety.

Tomorrow’s World will be my fifth book. It is a satirical book of vignettes about the future. It consists of concise, sardonic scenes that take the reader year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, extreme celebrity worship, virtual reality, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. Tomorrow’s World will be released in November. This quick read will appeal to those who like humour and satire.

I am also currently writing the third instalment in the Necropolis Trilogy. Golgotha will be published next year.

What is a sociopath to do?

Necropolis is the first instalment in a trilogy featuring Dyson Devereux, the sociopathic head of Burials and Cemeteries at his local council.

I am offering a free copy of my black comedy Necropolis to everyone who signs up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter. If you like dark humour you’ll love Necropolis.

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a mix between The Office and American Psycho’ – Amazon Reviewer

Click here to see the 85 ratings & reviews for Necropolis on Goodreads.

The second instalment, Sepultura, was released earlier this year.

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘A satirical gem’

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down …

Sepultura is available from all major retailers as a paperback and eBook.

Sepultura Goodreads link.

7 Books For 7 Moods

Jul 27 2018

This week sees the return of my books for different moods series. If you are anything like me your choice of book often depends on your frame of mind. Here are 7 books for 7 different moods/states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for something morbid?

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

This non-fiction work explores the more unfamiliar scenarios involving our dead bodies. The author applies a light approach to explore a taboo subject matter. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Intriguing for the most part

Fed up with the joys of summer? If so, then I suggest:

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Whilst the morose subject matter (gulags) will not appeal to everyone, this reader is of the opinion that One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is one of the best books ever written. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Exceptional

In the mood for some satire? If the answer is yes, you might like:

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good but rambling

Are you after something darkly humorous and free?

Necropolis by Guy Portman

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed public sector. It is the first part of a trilogy. Click here to claim your free copy.

My Opinion: Is biased

Feel like reading something iconic and controversial:

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

This cult classic consists of an inter-related collection of six stories set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. Its candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics have been lauded by many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Memorable

Do you require something sleep-inducing? Perhaps you are finding it hard to get to sleep on these sultry summer nights. Well, I have a solution:

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater

Published in 1821, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater is widely regarded as being the forefather of addiction literature. Its prose is ornate and grandiloquent. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Turgid and extremely dull

In the mood for a Transgressive tome?

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction set in the 1980s. It is the prequel to Trainspotting The book’s main focus is its colourful characters increasing obsession with heroin. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Long but good

13 Humorous Quotes About Writing

Jul 20 2018

This humour writer relishes humorous quotes about writing. Here are thirteen that have not previously appeared on my blog. Well, one them has, but I like it so much I am including it again.

If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published. – Anonymous

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory. – Franklin P. Jones

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress. – Philip Roth

Long, hard slog today writing the Great American Tweet. (That was it…what do you think? Pulitzer?) – Greg Tamblyn

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.– Christopher Hampton

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. – Doug Larson

Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness … – George Orwell

As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. – Calvin Trillin

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. – Tom Clancy

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. – Fred Allen

The only time I’ll get good reviews is if I kill myself. – Edward Albee

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. – Flannery O’Connor

He does not so much split his infinitives as disembowel them. – Rebecca West

Six Satires From The Last Six Decades

Jul 13 2018

I am an avid satire fan who has read numerous satirical works and written two satirical books (Necropolis & Sepultura). A third is on the way (Tomorrow’s World).

This week’s post is devoted to six satirical novels from the previous six decades (1950s – 2000s). One satire for each decade. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (1953)

Fahrenheit 451

There is much to ponder in this satirical book whose motif is a warning about the threat posed by state censorship. Bradbury’s seminal work predicts our increasing obsession with mass media.

My Review: Books are banned in this dystopian world, where firemen are employed to burn them. Guy Montag is a fireman, who lives an unfulfilling existence with Mildred, his sedentary, parlour-consuming wife: parlours being an…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Censorship

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Based on Heller’s own experiences as a bombardier in WWII, this best-selling, satirical, anti-war novel, took its American author eight years to write.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

High-Rise by J. G. Ballard (1975)

Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. Its motif is the fragmentation of the social order.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three main characters – Robert Laing, an instructor at a medical school …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Contemporary living arrangements & society at large

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd (1982)

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. This unpredictable serio-comedy’s blend of tragedy and black humour appealed to this reader.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in colonial East Africa, where the British and their native conscripts are pitted against the …(more)

Subjects Satirised: War & English Upper Class

Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk (1999)

The book’s premise, the superficial vanity of the beauty industry, is used both to explore the unattractive side of human nature and, in customary Palahniuk fashion, to satirise society.

My Review: Shannon McFarland is a catwalk model, who is the centre of attention wherever she goes. That is until she ‘accidentally’ blasts her jaw shot off with a gun whilst driving down the highway. Shannon is left…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Human nature & the beauty industry

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Campus life & numerous others

Click here to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter.

Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Jul 06 2018

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in most instances hilarious one star Amazon reviews.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – “… essentially the plot to ‘Jaws'” (June 1st, 2001)

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘An eruption of verbal flatulence.’ (August 30th, 1999)

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘It was utter garbage.’ (June 6th, 2017)

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy – ‘This is an awful book… there is nothing of credit to his writing. It is devoid of any depth. Don’t waste your brain, …’ (February 22nd, 2009)

The Witches by Roald Dahl – ‘This book is teaching children false information about witches. We don’t turn children into mouses and kill them. We are normal people!’ (February 17th, 2003)

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘This book was absolute inane drivel from the start …’ (December 29th, 2017)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages.’ (August 19th, 2004)

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon – ‘I forgot to take my LSD first. Save your dough. This is like Ulysses. A good argument for a good old fashioned book burning …’ (February 7th, 2014)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer – ‘Girl moves to rainy town. Girl is miserable. Girl gets stalked by freakish boy. Girl remains miserable. Girl cooks lots of crappy meals for dad and generally behaves like doormat. Girl miserable. Girl falls for freaky boy …’ (August 20th, 2012)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘Crappy ass book, dont undedstand a word of it do not recommend this book to anyone don’t judge me ik its a classic but it frickin sucks.’ (December 28th, 2017)

Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White – ‘How in the world does a pig and a spider become friends? It’s beyond me.’ (March 1st, 2015)

Hamlet by William Shakespeare – I thought this sure was boring! Hamlet does too much talking and not enough stuff.’ (October 22nd, 2001)

Writing, World Cup and More Besides

Jun 29 2018

I have been tempted away from my desk on a number of occasions this week. I blame the sunny weather and the World Cup.

It hasn’t rained here in the South of England for days on end, which is unusual. If it doesn’t rain soon my garden will start looking like the Sahel.

Last weekend I formed an ingenious plan to make a small fortune out of the World Cup. This was to be achieved by several cunningly-devised accumulator style bets. I was left seething when the Germans laid waste to my plans by losing to South Korea. I am done with World Cup betting. I said that last World Cup and the one before that.

Work continues on my next book. Tomorrow’s World is a darkly humorous, satirical book of vignettes about the future. Themes include hyper capitalism, virtual reality, extreme celebrity worship, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever-increasing mandatory retirement age. I will be releasing more information in due course.

I am continuing to offer everyone a free copy of my satirical black comedy, Necropolis. Necropolis is the first part in a proposed trilogy featuring punctilious sociopath Dyson Devereux. Click here to claim your Free copy (Mobi, Epub & PDF). Part Two: Sepultura, was released earlier this year.

Click here to see the 82 ratings & reviews for Necropolis on Goodreads.

What is a sociopath to do?

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

The 10 Books I’ve Read This Year

Jun 22 2018

As is my custom at the halfway point of the year, I am devoting this post to the books that I have read so far in 2018. Well, there is over a week to go until the halfway point, but anyway … Here are the ten books that I have read in 2018. They are presented in the order in which I read them. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Skaboys by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Skagboys is set in the 1980s against a backdrop of Thatcherism, the rise of dance of music and HIV.

My Review: Skagboys is the prequel to Trainspotting. Its colourful, mostly young characters hail from the Edinburgh port suburb of Leith. There is the bookish …(more)

My Opinion: Excellent

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

Genre: Dark Humour

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. The book’s grave content is laced with humour of the dark variety.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in …(more)

My Opinion: Good

The Carrot Man by Theo A. Gerken

Genre: Humour

This existential comedy is replete with jokes. Some are offensive, few are amusing.

My Review: The Carrot Man is a novelette about a manic Swede who is revolted by his new flatmate; an unhygienic, unindustrious, unsociable specimen whom …(more)

My Opinion: Poor

The Trumpassic Period by David Belisle

Genre: Humour?

This politics-meets-palaeontology work purports to be a satire, of the lampooning variety.

My Review: The Trumpassic Period is a rehash of President Trump’s first year in office, but with dinosaurs substituting for the controversial leader and his cohorts …(more)

My Opinion: Sleep-inducing drivel

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Last Exit to Brooklyn is a controversial and ground-breaking transgressive work.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s …(more)

My Opinion: Memorable

Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

Genre: Humour/Satire

Vile Bodies is a satirical novel whose primary purpose is satirising decadent 1920s London society.

My Review: Author Adam plans to marry his fiancé Nina Blount, but he does not have enough money to convince his disinterested, aristocratic beau to tie the knot. Every time Adam …(more)

My Opinion: Curious and somewhat dated

Hotel Scarface by Roben Farzad

Genre: Non Fiction

Named after iconic film Scarface, Hotel Scarface captures the zeitgeist of 1980s Miami.

My Review: This is an account of the rise and fall of Hotel Mutiny; a Coconut Grove, Miami-based hotel and club founded in the 1970s. It became the haunt of rising cocaine …(more)

My Opinion: Okay

The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall

Genre: General Fiction?

This analytical and abstract book’s motif is mental health. Its contents include drawings and computer code.

My Review:Eric Sanderson is suffering from a form of amnesia called fugue, at least according to his psychologist. Eric is aware that his girlfriend Cleo died whilst …(more)

My Opinion: Pretentious and onerous

Not Exactly Shakespeare by Martin Freznell

Genre: Humour

Not Exactly Shakespeare purports to be the shortest book you’ll ever be forced to pretend to have to read.

My Review: There is not much to like or loath about this meagre and mildly comical offering …(more)

My Opinion: Not enough content to form one

Marabou Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

An inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness.

My Review: Roy Strang narrates this story from the hospital in which he is lying in a coma. It begins in South Africa, where he and his friend Sandy Jamieson are …(more)

My Opinion: Bleak and quite good

About me and my darkly humorous writing.

Amazon’s Review Purge

Jun 15 2018

It has been a worrying week for authors, what with Amazon’s ongoing Stalinesque review purge. Many authors have had reviews removed for their books, and some have lost all their reviews. For authors who have spent in many instances years gathering reviews, this is deeply distressing. The #giveourreviewsback hashtag has been trending on Twitter.

Amazon’s review writing rules change periodically. They now forbid anyone connected to the author (i.e. family members) writing a review. In addition they don’t permit review exchange services, and those who want to leave a review have to have spent x amount on the regional Amazon concerned. I think $50. Whilst this is fair enough many authors have complained they are having ‘genuine’ reviews removed.

To date (cue touch wood), I have only had a handful of reviews removed. My concern and many others is that Amazon has now frozen our accounts, meaning we cannot receive reviews in the future. I am suspicious about the absence of new reviews for the first two instalments in my Necropolis trilogy. I am currently awaiting a response from Amazon about this. Fingers crossed it is okay because the alternative does not bear thinking about.

Here is a picture of my dog. Something outside had caught his attention. Either a bird or the Amazon delivery man. As I heard footsteps approaching I told myself, It’s not the Amazon delivery man’s fault.

I hope you are all enjoying the World Cup. I just got this Panini World Cup Italia 90 inspired mug from Sainsbury’s. It is bringing back a lot of childhood memories.

If you are looking for reading recommendations might I suggest you check out the book review section of my blog. You will find 131 of my reviews there.

Tomorrow’s World

Jun 08 2018

Doomsayers have been predicting the death of the novel for years. Recently, author Zadie Smith talked of novel-nausea, and journalist and novelist Will Self has even gone so far as to say that the novel is ‘absolutely doomed’. Whether the novel is set to go the way of the dinosaurs is debateable, but literary ennui does appear to be on the rise. Reasons for this include the digitalisation of print culture, ever increasing pressures on our time and social media.

‘We’re in an era of ever-shortening attention spans. For example, I just checked Twitter 12 times while writing that sentence.’ — Adam Riley, comedian

As for me, I want to write more novels (4 to date) but I also want to experiment with shorter, attention grabbing literary forms, hence my decision to pen a darkly humorous, satirical book of vignettes about the future. It will take the form of short, sardonic scenes that take the reader year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, virtual reality, extreme celebrity worship, hyper-branding, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. Tomorrow’s World will be released late this year.

In the interim you might enjoy my satirical black comedy, Necropolis. Click here to sign up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter and to claim your free copy. You can unsubscribe at any time. Necropolis is the first part in a proposed trilogy. Part Two: Sepultura, was released earlier this year.

What is a sociopath to do?

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘A satirical gem’

Archive - 2018

30 Free Humour Books

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My Works In Progress

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7 Books For 7 Moods

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13 Humorous Quotes About Writing

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Six Satires From The Last Six Decades

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Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Like this:

Writing, World Cup and More Besides

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The 10 Books I’ve Read This Year

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Amazon’s Review Purge

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Tomorrow’s World

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Archive - 2018

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