April | 2019 | Guy Portman's Blog

12 Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Apr 26 2019

It has been a while since I devoted a blog post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here are 12 more one star book reviews that I find amusing and I hope you will too.

The Iliad by Homer – ‘You may have seen the movie Troy with Brad Pitt as Achilles, but it is quite different than the book.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – ‘Wuthering Heights is the worst! Everyone is mean and it has an awful ending …’

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘Though I’ve read many bad books, none can compare with this trite, contrived piece of work.’

A Room With a View by E.M. Forster – ‘Please don’t waste your time on this book. Read something from Michael Crichton instead.’

The Bible – ‘If you can stomach the genocide, infanticide, rape and killings then the Bible is for you. I will be sticking to Game of Thrones.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – ‘This book reminds me of one of those really old stinky cheeses.’

The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner – ‘Please, don’t insult my intelligence.’

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens – ‘HORRID!!! This book was literally the worst thing that’s happened in my whole entire life.’

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley – ‘If you like really long, detailed, poorly written soap operas you may like this book.’

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy –
‘How can anybody like this book? Whoever said this is the best classic ever written must be truly brain-dead. What could be enjoyable about a book that primarily consists of a guide on:
a) how to cut grass,
b) how to hunt bear, and
c) how to abandon your own kid for a gigolo.

If I wanted all that stuff I would have read Farmers Almanac.’

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – ‘Had Melville cut this book down to about 25 pages, that would be bearable.’

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo – ‘It’s just a black hole of time …’

Gorging on Chocolate Bunnies & A Free Book

Apr 19 2019

There was a time when I didn’t eat chocolate during Lent. Now it’s all I eat.

I favour different types for different activities. While writing can be a rewarding experience, it can also be incredibly frustrating. And there is nothing more cathartic than biting the ears and/or head off a chocolate Lindt bunny. At least for me, anyway.

Initially, I purchased a pair of Lindt bunnies for young relatives for Easter, but I just kept eating them, and having to go back to the supermarket to get more.

When I am reading, I tend to be of a calm disposition. With the activity only requiring one hand, the other can be used to nibble on an old favourite, Cadbury Crème Eggs.

Here is the assortment of Easter chocolate I have bought for the big day.

And I have a Lindt bunny to see me through today’s writing. Currently, I am working on the third and final part in the Necropolis Trilogy. The black comedy series features the darkly humorous sociopath, Dyson Devereux. There is still time to download a free copy (offer ends Apr. 30). All you have to do is sign up to my monthly newsletter.

Click here to claim your FREE book

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a mix between The Office and American Psycho’ – Amazon Reviewer

Happy Easter!

5 Books For 5 Moods

Apr 12 2019

This is the latest instalment in my books for different moods series. Here are 5 books for 5 moods/different states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Desiring Transgressive Fiction? Then why not give this a go:

Marabou Stork Nightmares

This is an inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness. It is narrated by Roy Strang from the hospital where he is lying in a coma. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for a satirical classic? Well you may have read it already …

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for something philosophical? Is so, this might appeal:

The Plague

The Plague is an existentialist classic that evaluates morality, the role of God and how we react to death. Its narrative tone and poetic prose style of prose will appeal to some. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for something intellectual, but you don’t have much time? Well, this could be the answer:

Chess by Stefan Zweig

The game of Chess offers the prospect of salvation, but also the threat of dissolution in this psychological novella, which explores the delicate divide that separates genius from madness. Click here to read my review.

In the mood to be disturbed? If so, then you are in luck:

Child Of God

Set in a rugged and unforgiving landscape,Child of God is a tautly written and concise work of ‘country noir’. Themes include loneliness and necrophilia. Click here to read my review.

In the mood for some dark humour? Then why not try:

Necropolis

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a satirical work featuring sociopath and public sector worker Dyson Devereux. Necropolis is the first instalment in a trilogy. Click here to see its Goodreads page.

20 Free Humour Books For You

Apr 05 2019

I have collaborated with my fellow humour authors to offer you a selection of 20 FREE humour books. The deal includes my black comedy, Necropolis. All you have to do is sign up to the given author’s mailing list to receive your free book. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Humour Book Giveaway Link

Necropolis is the first instalment in a proposed trilogy. The second part, Sepultura, was released last year. Part 3, Golgotha, will be unveiled later this year. This darkly humorous collection feature sociopathic protagonist Dyson Devereux. Necropolis has 105 reviews and ratings on Goodreads. Click here to view them.

Humour Book Giveaway Link

Have a good weekend.