2020 | Guy Portman's Blog

Lockdown Reading & Revelations

May 29 2020

Lockdown is starting to wind down here in the UK, it seems. As for me, I will be remaining in self-isolation. If there’s another way to live, I am not familiar with it. Besides, it has its perks, including reduced car fuel costs.

Not much of note has happened this week. On Monday, I found this nine quid box of Corona in the supermarket. It remains unopened, but that is poised to change.

You know when you have your schedule laid out for the day, only for a spanner to be thrown in the works? In this instance, it was discovering the hoover wasn’t performing its one function. It took ages to disassemble it, find the blockage and remove it. Mr Dyson’s hoover innovation infatuation doesn’t extend to inventing a non-blockable model, it appears. Dyson’s revolutionary wheel ball is all good and well, but I’d swap it for a blockage-free hoover any day of the week.

Someone was in for a treat. A dry pellet, broccoli, tomato and cheese feast. It could be the name of a Dominos Pizza, though I suspect my creation would be more appetising.

It’s been warm and sunny here in south of England every day for what seems like ages. Trigga has been enjoying the weather, as have I.

Some workers have been taking unusual precautions to protect themselves against the threat of Covid-19. Take my local supermarket worker for instance. Effective perhaps, if not a little concerning.

People are reading more during Lockdown, we are told. I want to try and utilise this trend to find more readers for my books. Presently, I am waiting for Amazon to get back to me about ways in which I can use my new Necropolis Trilogy series page to do just that; fingers crossed.

Like many authors, I don’t stick only to my own genre/s (dark humour/satire) when it comes to reading. Earlier this week, I picked up this kindle book for 99p following a recommendation on Goodreads. It’s a subject I know little about; and as I fancy myself to be something of a war historian dilettante, I thought why not?

No doubt you have read some good books over lockdown. If you have any suggestions, I’d be keen to hear them. Have a good weekend.

Dark Fiction, Empty Fridges & Culinary Titbits

May 22 2020

It’s Friday again. This week I read Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. I was only introduced to dark fiction author McCarthy last year, and I’ve already read four of his books. Blood Meridian is quite possibly the most brutal novel ever written.

Another trip to the supermarket was in order.

I was in luck however. Hidden away at the back of the freezer, there were gyoza. This time I succeeded in not getting them stuck to the frying pan.

Panic buying and long queues no longer appear to be an issue in the shops here, for now anyway. You are probably experiencing the same, I assume, unless you’re in Brazil. Covid-19 is wreaking havoc over there at the moment it seems, no thanks to their president.

Burning the cuttings from the garden. It proved to be an incredibly smoky fire.

My dog is obsessed with water. His reflection is the reason why I think.

Currently, I am offering the first instalment in my darkly humorous Necropolis Trilogy for free to people who sign up to my mailing list. This week I’ve sold a few copies, but haven’t succeeded in giving any away for free. If you fancy changing that, here are the details.

What is a sociopath to do?

Click here to get #1 for FREE.

Anyway, time to get back to work on my next book – tentatively titled The Gazebo. It consists of two darkly humorous stories set in the south of England, and will be of novella length. Themes include relationships; fractious ones. I look forward to sharing more in due course. Have a good weekend.

5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour

May 15 2020

This week we return to the subject of books. Here are five works of fiction that contain dark humour. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Glue by Irvine Welsh

Glue adeptly captures the zeitgeists of the various eras it encapsulates. The book’s scabrous descriptions will appeal to all fans of the Transgressive Fiction genre.

My Review: Glue is about four friends who hail from Scotland’s capital, Edinburgh. It begins with them as infants in the 1970s, and ends at the dawn of the new …(more)

Suttree by Cormac McCarthy

This brutal, bleak and at times humorous episodic tome (600+ pages) is a must for all dark fiction aficionados.

My Review: Cornelius Suttree resides in a dilapidated houseboat on the Tennessee River, on the edge of Knoxville. He ekes out a living fishing in its murky waters; his primary …(more)

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires, motives and beliefs.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the …(more)

Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock

Knockemstiff is a transgressive compilation of short stories. Topics include drugs, drinking, disease and sexual degeneracy.

My Review: These interlinked short stories are set in ‘The Holler’; an impoverished part of Knockemstiff, a real-life Ohioan backwater. ‘The Holler’s’ air is permanently imbued with the stench of …(more)

Checking Out by Nick Spalding

Checking Out is a black comedy sprinkled with hope. Many will be drawn to its protagonist due to his wry wit and likeable personality.

My Review: Nathan is a young, well-off musician with a gorgeous girlfriend, a sportscar and some exceedingly expensive bi-fold doors. He is also successful, thanks to his …(more)

Lockdown: Light At The End Of The Tunnel.

May 08 2020

The news here in the UK is that the lockdown is poised to be relaxed soon. What form this will take, only time will tell. Other European countries are beginning to return to normal, or at least a new normal, so it’s inevitable we’ll follow suit now new cases of Covid-19 are falling fast.

What are you most looking forward to doing when lockdown ends? For me – getting a haircut.

And what am I least looking forward to? The inevitable increase in taxes.

This week I’ve been catching up with my book reviews for the books I’ve read this year. The six new reviews will be making an appearance on my blog soon. If you haven’t already, you might be interested in the 165 reviews I’ve written (see My Reviews section). I’ve also been jogging and weight training. Here is my dog waiting for me to catch up on a run in the woods.

And here’s an inquisitive deer looking into my garden.

I’ve been drinking Corona. Couldn’t resist Tesco’s ten quid box offer of the stuff. If there’s a better warm weather beer out there, I am yet to try it.

Yesterday, I was pleased to see a duck on the tiny pond I recently dug out in my garden.

Lockdown is obviously proving pretty trying for people, particularly those stuck in small apartments in the city, and I hope things improve for them soon. As for me, the lockdown hasn’t made much difference to my life thus far. What would I have been doing differently anyway? Not much. But knowing that others are also stuck at home makes me feel better. Selfish perhaps; but what is there in this world if not by comparison.

Visitors have been pouring into my blog of late. What does this mean? Not a lot. They are coming to read my articles and reviews of books, and have no interest in me, my mailing list, or the six books I’ve written. C’est la vie; better that than nothing I suppose. I’m used to obscurity after a lifetime of it. Perhaps one of these days I’ll monetise this blog. Maybe sign up for an affiliate program with book retailers. Until then hope springs eternal. Have a good weekend. Keep well and stay safe.

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5 Things To Do During Lockdown.

May 01 2020

Lockdown continues to drag on here in the UK. Though there is light at the end of the tunnel, so we’re told. What with all the time people are spending at home, gardens have never had so much TLC. As it was raining this week, I took the opportunity to plant some hedges. You can pick the things up for peanuts at the moment. Planting my hedges entailed digging ninety holes.

And then it was time for the grass seed.

And then the wild flower seed.

Reading is a great way to wile away the time on lockdown. My current read is a morbid one.

I have been doing a lot of writing of late. My work in progress is a book of novella length, consisting of two darkly humorous tales, set for the most part in the upper echelons of English society. One of the tales has a supernatural theme.

Shopping was once a pleasure; it is now at best an inconvenience, at worst a nightmare. The queues to get into the supermarket are pretty horrendous and I try and stick to smaller shops. I’d been on the look out for these for over a month. If they didn’t come in a pack of six, this would constitute hoarding.

My fifth activity has been cleaning. Here is my dog sheltering on dry land after the floor was mopped.

Have a good weekend.

Covid-19 & The Great Outdoors

Apr 24 2020

The future has shifted from a promise to a threat. Who knows when this Covid-19 situation is going to blow over. It has to be soon, or the global economy is going to be a train wreck. Well, it is already come to think of it. As for me, I’ve been fortunate in that I can get outside, as I live in the countryside. Not that it’s all been enjoyment. Removing this stump was a living hell. It has been replaced with a hedging plant.

What with the Covid-19 situation, there are some good deals around, especially when it comes to hedging plants and gardening supplies in general it seems.

We’ve been fortunate to have had such glorious weather during lockdown, something you can’t take for granted here in the UK. Walking and unwinding in the woods has been a pleasure.

This tranquil setting (see below) proved to be the ideal place to ease coronavirus-related stress.

There is nothing quite as cathartic as water. Well opiates perhaps. But water is better for one’s health, and wallet.

What with all the gardening and writing I’ve been doing, I haven’t got as much reading done as I hoped. These two books will be devoured soon.

I’ve never considered myself a fan of sake, but this bottle was delicious.

As for book sales, it’s been a torrid period of late though there was a welcome smattering of sales of Necropolis (#1 Necropolis Trilogy) on UK Amazon this week.

Have a good weekend. Take care and stay safe.

Under Lockdown And Looking For Something To Do?

Apr 17 2020

If the answer to the headline is yes, I have a solution for you, albeit a temporary one. My book Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future is FREE on Amazon (Today & Tomorrow).

The future may not be bright but it’s hilarious.

(40,251 words/2.5 hours)

Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon CA, Amazon AU

‘The book will certainly have you turning the pages to see what happens next’ – The Daily Squib

‘… in Tomorrow’s World Guy has seen the writing on the wall. And it’s in emojis’ – Adam Riley (comedian)

Like all great visionary satires, the book takes our current foibles and obsessions to their logical, gruesome and absurd conclusions. And it’ll make you laugh out loud along the way.

‘I binge watched Black Mirror a while back and that show was ‘Dark Humour’ very much in the same vein’ – Goodreads Reviewer

Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon CA, Amazon AU

Let’s hope this Covid-19 induced lockdown blows over soon and everything returns to normal. Normal might not have been great but it beats this. Take care and stay safe.

Virtual Easter Egg Hunts, Easter Coronavirus Bunnies & More.

Apr 10 2020

Lent officially ended yesterday, but what with the coronavirus lockdown being extended it is going to run for a little while longer yet.

In other news, the Easter Bunny has had a makeover.

Kinder eggs are great, but I for one have had enough surprises this year.

Self-isolation and Easter eggs hunts aren’t an ideal combination, unless one has amnesia. Fortunately there is a solution – virtual Easter egg hunts. Presumably, the fun is all in the hunt. A bit like fox hunting when the fox bit was banned. After all virtual Easter eggs can’t be that appetising though I hear anorexics love them.

If you’re interested in setting up your own virtual Easter egg hunt, you can find instructions through this link. (Tip: Unless you want to get egg on your face do not use FaceTime for hunts involving more than ten people. Use Skype).

And the Easter fun doesn’t end with virtual Easter egg hunts. For the first time this Easter, virtual church services are taking place. Here in the UK, the Archbishop of Canterbury is due to lead the first virtual Church of England service. Combining church with a Sunday sleep-in certainly appeals more than turning up in person. None the less I think I’ll give it a miss.

And then there’s the virtual church service slash virtual Easter egg hunt. One has to locate the hidden eggs in various places in the church – (cloisters, congregations’ handbags etc.) in a clandestine manner, so as not to incur the wrath of the pastor, parishioners and God himself who will not hesitate in vanquishing you with a lightening bolt, if he notices you disrespecting his special day by scurrying around looking for eggs. I made that up; but it’s got promise.

Jokes aside, there seems little doubt that the coronavirus pandemic is giving us a sneak preview of the future. Everything will be going virtual in due course. That is my prediction in Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future (99c/99p on Amazon). If you’re not too busy with your virtual shenanigans this Easter, you might enjoy it.

‘This book will certainly have you turning the pages to see what happens next …’ – The Daily Squib

Tomorrow’s World is … a plea to put down the VR headset and experience life directly. Because nothing lasts forever.

Coronavirus: Weathering The Storm

Apr 03 2020

Much of the world is in coronavirus lockdown. Over the course of the last week, matters have only got worse. America is now being ravaged by the virus, and in India migrant workers have been controversially sprayed with disinfectant in an effort to stop the spread of Covid-19. We’re all hoping matters improve quickly, or many of us will be facing destitution.

One of my blog visitors has asked me to share his infographic (see link below) – ‘Weathering The Storm’. It contains useful tips on how to deal with lockdown, and some ideas on how to spend one’s time – many of us have a lot more of it after all. Prior to familiarising myself with this infographic, I was not aware that famous museums the world over are offering virtual tours. If you’ve ever wanted to visit Seoul’s National Museum of Modern and Contemporary Art, you can now do so from the comfort of your living room. It’s the only way in fact.

Infograpic-1 Download

As for me, I’ve been using the opportunity to clear the garden. Exhausting, satisfying, never-ending toil is how it could best be described.

Some of the ground is covered in these rope like vines. Ripping them out of the ground is a great way to release Covid-19 lockdown-related angst.

There’s always something cathartic about a fire.

This seems like appropriate reading matter at a time like this.

I look forward to reviewing the book in due course.

I can never resist a serial killer. This keeps popping up everywhere. It’s next on my TBR.

After that it will be … (recommended by my mother).

Let’s hope this Covid-19 nightmare blows over soon. Normality may not be ideal, but it beats this.

Living With Covid-19

Mar 27 2020

I don’t have Covid-19, but Boris Johnson does. He’s suffering mild symptoms and is working from home. Tomorrow he might even be well enough to pop out to the supermarket for some ‘essential’ shopping.

It’s been a grim week for near on all of us. For me personally the magnitude of the coronavirus hit home when I heard that 3.3m Americans had filed for unemployment last week, and that 769 people had died in a single day in Spain from the disease.

As is the case with most people, I am concerned about finances. I’ve taken so much for granted, and now it may be gone. There’s a fair bit of work going on in my garden. Once it’s done, I’m battening down the hatches. The extension will have to wait – perhaps indefinitely.

How’s your self-isolation working out? I’ve been doing a fair bit of reading. I need my transgressive fiction at a time like this.

Gardening has also been on the agenda. The weather has been glorious here in the UK – sunny days and cold nights.

What a find …

Today, at lunchtime I went to the extortionately priced farm shop to get something for tea. It took nearly half an hour to gain entry due to only five people being allowed in at a time.

We are constantly being told that only ‘essential’ shopping should be taking place. Inside the farm shop, I found myself pondering whether octopus can be classified as essential.

Well, if you’re poised to perish from Covid-19, and don’t fancy being ransacked by the state for death-duties, £16.95 packs of octopus could be deemed ‘essential’.

One can’t have enough of the stuff.

Doggy has been enjoying some sunbathing. He’s been stoically coping with the Covid-19 lockdown, though he has not been impressed with the 20% picture quality reduction on Netflix. He has embarked on barking tirades whenever I switch it on.

There are far worse places to be for a stint of self-isolation than the countryside. I am really grateful to be able to get outdoors at a time like this.

As if searing heat, abysmal hygiene and grinding poverty aren’t bad enough at the best of times … Just imagine being in lockdown in a cramped Delhi hovel with three generations of your hand-to-mouth earning family. If you venture outside, you’ll face the wrath of the cane-wielding Delhi Police. I’ve only ever spent a few days in the city, but for some reason I keep imagining what the Covid-19 lockdown is like there, and other similar places.

I’ve sold a handful of my darkly humorous offerings this week, all on Amazon US for some reason.

Have a good weekend. And if that isn’t possible under the current conditions, have a tolerable one.

Click Here To See My Goodreads Author Page

Archive - 2020

Lockdown Reading & Revelations

Like this:

Dark Fiction, Empty Fridges & Culinary Titbits

Like this:

5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour

Like this:

Lockdown: Light At The End Of The Tunnel.

Like this:

5 Things To Do During Lockdown.

Like this:

Covid-19 & The Great Outdoors

Like this:

Under Lockdown And Looking For Something To Do?

Like this:

Virtual Easter Egg Hunts, Easter Coronavirus Bunnies & More.

Like this:

Coronavirus: Weathering The Storm

Like this:

Living With Covid-19

Like this:

Archive - 2020

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