March | 2021 | Guy Portman's Blog

Mailing List Misery, Mobiles & More

Mar 26 2021

I finally bit the bullet and got a new iPhone. The one I had was ancient. Looking forward to taking and sharing photos with the new, improved iPhone 12 camera. None to show yet. But hope to have some good ones of Easter Eggs in time for next Friday. Here is the new phone.

For the last seven years or so, author gurus have been extolling the virtues of having a mailing list. Like most writers I have one; well three actually, all very modest in size. With the recent release of my new book, Mangetout, I did the logical thing and contacted my lists to announce the exciting news. I was under the impression that List One is comprised of readers with an interest in crime and/or darkly humorous fiction. Well, it seems I am mistaken and that the list consists of people living in north west London suffering from gluten allergies. I would have had more luck trying to sell them Lear jets than my 99c/99p book.

C’est la vie – time to bring out the big guns and move onto List Two. Now, I’m not sure who is on this list. Perhaps it is people who at school averaged a C in Trigonometry tests. A few of them took the plunge.

That left List Three. This list is reserved for people who prefer poached eggs to scrambled. A couple of them clicked the buy button.

My mailing list has undergone several Stalinesque purges, but evidently still consists mostly of Trotskyites, Capitalists, agitators and the bourgeois. What lessons are there to be learnt from the experience? According to someone I was talking to from the world of business, a mailing list that is not grown organically, ‘… is not worth its weight in manure, let alone gold.’

So, it is out with the giveaways and mailing list boost promos. I am going to try and stick to readers who have signed-up via the links at the back of my books.

In other news, I had a big free book promo for Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future. It hasn’t achieved much thus far apart from garnering some good reviews and ratings on Amazon.

Have a good weekend.

Amazon Link

‘This book will certainly have you turning the pages to see what happens next …’ – The Daily Squib

Gardening, Griping, Guzzling & German

Mar 19 2021

I just can’t get people to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it. It’s a real problem; one that I can’t imagine Putin or Xi Jinping have. That’s the griping out of the way. Actually no, there’ll be more later. Now for the guzzling. Earlier this week I made an omelette that only broke very slightly. Give me a round of applause please. Here’s a picture of it:

Anyone else like Indian food? I’ll take your silence as a yes. I had an Indian banquet on Wednesday. What a treat.

Now for the German. Earlier this week, Leipzig-based publisher Festa Verlag published my psychological thriller.

Symbiose retail link

Symbiose means Symbiosis in English. Somebody their end must think Symbiosis is pretty good, as it boasts a fairly hefty price tag. The plan is it sells well and they take some more of my books, and I emigrate to Germany, where I am adulated like David Hasselhoff.

That is a picture of my hedge. I do most of my gardening myself due to the fact I like doing it, and because I’m a cheapskate and don’t want to fork out for a gardener. However, at this time of year I do get help with stuff above ground level, such as this hedge for example. A two-man team turned up with chainsaws for what I assumed from the invoice was going to be a full day of arduous labour. Must have been a little over five minutes into their day that the main man knocked on my summerhouse/office door and informs me, ‘We’re done’. When I went out to inspect, I couldn’t see any difference. I told him, ‘I didn’t get you in to trim my hedge with nail scissors.’ He shook his head and said, ‘D-don’t know what you mean. What do you mean?’ ‘I mean cut it properly, to the height of the top of a man’s head, and I’m not talking the world’s tallest man as it is currently.’ They did it again (see photo). I’m satisfied.

Mangetout has been out a week now. There are seven ratings on Goodreads and they are pretty positive. I’m not saying they’re all waxing lyrical, but some of them are. I’m hoping, no I’m praying, that more will appear on Amazon. There are none on the UK site at the time of writing. There are some on Amazon US though. Have a good weekend.

Mangetout: My New Book Is Out

Mar 12 2021

Mangetout is now on Goodreads and Amazon. It should shortly be appearing on other retailers.

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

Mangetout (41k words/2.25 hours) will appeal to all fans of darkly humorous crime. Don’t take my word for it. Check out the reviews that have already appeared on Goodreads, and there are a couple on Amazon US too. Mangetout is only 99p/99c for a limited time only. It is also available as a paperback.

I haven’t told my mailing list, or anyone really yet about my new book being out. That’s not just because I’m shy. I’m hoping a few more reviews might appear, particularly on regional Amazon’s, most pertinently my own (UK). Fingers crossed. So, I’m going to wait a little while longer before getting the loud speaker out.

While waiting for reviews to appear, I’ve been trying to avoid Meghan Markle and inspecting my newly manicured shrubs. They’re looking ready for the Chelsea Flower Show.

Have a good weekend.

Mangetout Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Goodreads.

Mangetout: Coming Soon

Mar 05 2021

My eighth book is being unleashed on the world next Thursday (March: 11th). This quick read will appeal to all fans of darkly humorous crime fiction.

Mangetout Goodreads Link

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

Kitchenhand Deron thinks he’s hit the jackpot when a routine delivery of vegetables turns out to be contraband …

Financier Hamish has got involved in the arms trade and business is good. However, he’s unwittingly made a formidable foe …

Ken’s fed up with the nine-to-five. An illegal venture with girlfriend Laura brings the job satisfaction he craves, but also attention from organised crime …

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

In North America mangetout (UK) are known as snow peas. This might make the title seem rather random to North American readers, and the Francophiles amongst them may think it means eat all, and perhaps wonder how this correlates to the picture of a snow pea. C’est la vie, the title is fixed now.

My books are supposed to be aimed primarily at my domestic market anyway. However, the one book I have had traditionally published is being published in Germany (this spring), so I may be proven wrong on that count. But I digress. Mangetout will be available from all retailers, initially at least.

Mangetout Goodreads Link

Have a good weekend.