Books | Guy Portman's Blog

12 Peculiar Books

Sep 21 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to some of the peculiar/bizarre books out there.

Here are 12 peculiar books:

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Dancing with Cats

A sure of attracting the attention of the men in white coats.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh …’

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

Crafting With Cat Hair

That is one creepy book.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist looks ominous.

A Passion For Donkeys

Extraordinary.

Oozing For My Lord

That is one unfortunate title.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America

The one on the cover looks like a 2009 Wal-Mart MX19V.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — What’s that? The definition of an oxymoron?

6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

Sep 14 2018

I am an avid fan of dark fiction. Here are 5 dark fiction books that I have read and one that I have written.

Definition: Dark fiction is concerned with the sinister side of human nature. It is often distinguished from the mainstream horror genre in that it tends not to be fantasy-orientated. Dark fiction may contain elements of black or satirical humour.

Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock

About: Knockemstiff is a transgressive compilation of short stories. Their grubby setting, visceral prose and dark humour appealed to this reader.

My Review: These interlinked short stories are set in ‘The Holler’; an impoverished part of Knockemstiff, a real-life Ohioan backwater. ‘The Holler’s’ air is permanently imbued with the stench of …(more)

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

About: This dark, innovative blend of fantasy and mythology explores the tribalistic nature of America’s various beliefs.

My Review: Shadow is an inmate who whiles away his days practising coin tricks. When his wife dies in a car crash, he is released early on compassionate grounds. Shadow is …(more)

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

About: Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires and beliefs.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the …(more)

Marabao Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh

About: This is an inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness. It is peppered with stylistic idiosyncrasies.

My Review: Roy Strang narrates this story from the hospital in which he is lying in a coma. It begins in South Africa, where he and his friend Sandy Jamieson are hunting the …(more)

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

About: This cult classic contains candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics. Its prose is visceral and frequently frenetic.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s unreciprocated love for a …(more)

Tomorrow’s World by Guy Portman

About: Tomorrow’s World is a satirical book of vignettes about the future. Themes include the future of capitalism, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. This quick read (40,521 words/2.5 hours) will appeal to those who like dark humour. Amazon Link

12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

Sep 07 2018

Back in July, I dedicated a post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here is the second instalment.

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in many instances amsuing one star book reviews.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This book not only ruined a week at the beach but also damaged my self-esteem.’

East of Eden by John Steinbeck – ‘Recommended to me by someone I thought I could trust.’

The Lord of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien – ‘I couldn’t get past all the Hobbit gossip in the beginning.’

Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner – ‘Too many words. Just look at the title, it’s twice as long as it needs to be.’

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘I read the first 5 pages, which usually tells me if I will continue … that’s as far as I got.’

A House for Mr Biswas by V.S. Naipaul – ‘… much longer than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

The Road by Corman McCarthy – ‘If I wanted pompous discourse about the meaning of life, I’d read the New Yorker.’

The Railway Children by Edith Nesbit – ‘It drives me crazy how the railway station is so meaningful and important when it’s only visited, like, twice in the entire 188 pages. I went to the Brooklyn Public Library but people don’t call me ‘The Library Child.’

The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch – ‘If I have to read one more simile-laden description of the sea I shall scream.’

Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut – ‘… maybe the problem is me.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger – ‘And as for the ducks the protagonist is always asking about? They fly away because it’s winter, and they’re ducks. They’re migrating. It’s a bad symbol, and everyone in the book, including Holden, should understand migration. It’s no big secret.’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘If this book was a horse, I would shoot it!’

I hope you found these reviews entertaining. I will probably do a further instalment or two at some point. About me.

6 Recommended Humour Books

Aug 31 2018

This week’s post is devoted to six humour books – five that I have read and one that I have written. Click on the links to read the reviews.

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

The Metamorphosis is a bleak, existential nihilistic tale that comments on the human condition and the futility of life. This reader appreciated its dark humour.

My Review: Protagonist Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find that he has been transformed into a beetle. This awkward situation is exacerbated when Gregor’s boss turns up at his house seeking an explanation for his non-attendance at work …(more)

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

Damned is a a light-hearted satire of hell, punctuated with comical details, pop-culture references and Theological irony.

My Review: The protagonist is thirteen-year-old Madison, the daughter of wealthy alternative parents. The privileged Madison studies at an exclusive Swiss boarding school and spends her holidays alternating …(more)

Candide by Voltaire

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology of The Enlightenment.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds …(more)

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas is a humorous, ludicrous and on occasion repellent social commentary about the demise of the psychedelic, free loving dream of the sixties.

My Review: Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego, journalist Raoul Duke, and his gargantuan Samoan attorney, Dr Gonzo, are on a drug-fuelled road trip through the desert, destination Las Vegas …(more)

Sepultura (#2 Necropolis Trilogy) by Guy Portman

Sepultura is a satirical black comedy featuring unforgettable sociopath, Dyson Devereux. Click here to get #1 for FREE. (800+ Ratings for Necropolis Trilogy on Goodreads)

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down …(more)

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness by Craig Stone

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness is a bizarre and humorous novel about the author’s time spent living homeless in a park. Craig has to deal with a multitude of issues that are alien to us home dwellers.

My Review: The author Craig Stone is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the predictability and banality of his everyday existence. Deciding that it is better to live dreaming than to …(more)

7 Books For 7 Moods

Aug 17 2018

This week sees the latest instalment in my books for different moods series. Here are 7 books for 7 moods/different states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for some short stories? If so, you may like the Kafkaesque:

Rashōmon and Seventeen Other Stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa

A sense of doom and despair permeates this somewhat disparate assemblage whose cynicism, dark humour and tormented, fin-de-siécle tone appealed to this reader. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Mostly good

In the mood for something darkly humorous? If the answer is yes, you might appreciate:

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

This unpredictable serio-comedy’s motif is the absurdness of war. The book’s grave content is laced with humour of the dark variety. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good

In the mood for a classic?

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

Heart of Darkness is a thought-provoking, multi-layered story, about what can occur when man exists outside of civilisation’s constraints. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Challenging but rewarding

In the mood for a quick read?

Breakfast At Tiffany’s by Truman Capote

Breakfast At Tiffany’s is set in 1940s’ New York. This compelling and at times humorous tale’s themes include compassion and nostalgia. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Entertaining and atmospheric

In the mood for some real crime?

Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi

This detailed 660 page true crime classic is about the Manson murders and the lengthy trial that ensued. After reading this, you will feel that you have lived through the trial. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Interesting but hard work

In the mood for some dark fantasy? If so then you might enjoy:

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

This dark, innovative blend of fantasy and mythology explores the tribalistic nature of America’s various beliefs. Its tough and taciturn protagonist will appeal to many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Imaginative but meandering

In the mood for something plotless and poignant?

The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West

Published in 1939, The Day of the Locust is a short novel that is prescient in its prediction of the Hollywood-obsessed society of today. Click here to read my review.

7 Books For 7 Moods

Jul 27 2018

This week sees the return of my books for different moods series. If you are anything like me your choice of book often depends on your frame of mind. Here are 7 books for 7 different moods/states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for something morbid?

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

This non-fiction work explores the more unfamiliar scenarios involving our dead bodies. The author applies a light approach to explore a taboo subject matter. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Intriguing for the most part

Fed up with the joys of summer? If so, then I suggest:

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Whilst the morose subject matter (gulags) will not appeal to everyone, this reader is of the opinion that One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is one of the best books ever written. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Exceptional

In the mood for some satire? If the answer is yes, you might like:

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good but rambling

Are you after something darkly humorous and free?

Necropolis by Guy Portman

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed public sector. It is the first part of a trilogy. Click here to claim your free copy.

My Opinion: Is biased

Feel like reading something iconic and controversial:

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

This cult classic consists of an inter-related collection of six stories set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. Its candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics have been lauded by many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Memorable

Do you require something sleep-inducing? Perhaps you are finding it hard to get to sleep on these sultry summer nights. Well, I have a solution:

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater

Published in 1821, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater is widely regarded as being the forefather of addiction literature. Its prose is ornate and grandiloquent. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Turgid and extremely dull

In the mood for a Transgressive tome?

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction set in the 1980s. It is the prequel to Trainspotting The book’s main focus is its colourful characters increasing obsession with heroin. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Long but good

Six Satires From The Last Six Decades

Jul 13 2018

I am an avid satire fan who has read numerous satirical works and written two satirical books (Necropolis & Sepultura). A third is on the way (Tomorrow’s World).

This week’s post is devoted to six satirical novels from the previous six decades (1950s – 2000s). One satire for each decade. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (1953)

Fahrenheit 451

There is much to ponder in this satirical book whose motif is a warning about the threat posed by state censorship. Bradbury’s seminal work predicts our increasing obsession with mass media.

My Review: Books are banned in this dystopian world, where firemen are employed to burn them. Guy Montag is a fireman, who lives an unfulfilling existence with Mildred, his sedentary, parlour-consuming wife: parlours being an…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Censorship

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Based on Heller’s own experiences as a bombardier in WWII, this best-selling, satirical, anti-war novel, took its American author eight years to write.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

High-Rise by J. G. Ballard (1975)

Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. Its motif is the fragmentation of the social order.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three main characters – Robert Laing, an instructor at a medical school …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Contemporary living arrangements & society at large

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd (1982)

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. This unpredictable serio-comedy’s blend of tragedy and black humour appealed to this reader.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in colonial East Africa, where the British and their native conscripts are pitted against the …(more)

Subjects Satirised: War & English Upper Class

Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk (1999)

The book’s premise, the superficial vanity of the beauty industry, is used both to explore the unattractive side of human nature and, in customary Palahniuk fashion, to satirise society.

My Review: Shannon McFarland is a catwalk model, who is the centre of attention wherever she goes. That is until she ‘accidentally’ blasts her jaw shot off with a gun whilst driving down the highway. Shannon is left…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Human nature & the beauty industry

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Campus life & numerous others

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Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Jul 06 2018

Here are 12 scathing, and in most instances hilarious one star Amazon reviews.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – “… essentially the plot to ‘Jaws'” (June 1st, 2001)

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘An eruption of verbal flatulence.’ (August 30th, 1999)

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘It was utter garbage.’ (June 6th, 2017)

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy – ‘This is an awful book… there is nothing of credit to his writing. It is devoid of any depth. Don’t waste your brain, …’ (February 22nd, 2009)

The Witches by Roald Dahl – ‘This book is teaching children false information about witches. We don’t turn children into mouses and kill them. We are normal people!’ (February 17th, 2003)

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘This book was absolute inane drivel from the start …’ (December 29th, 2017)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages.’ (August 19th, 2004)

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon – ‘I forgot to take my LSD first. Save your dough. This is like Ulysses. A good argument for a good old fashioned book burning …’ (February 7th, 2014)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer – ‘Girl moves to rainy town. Girl is miserable. Girl gets stalked by freakish boy. Girl remains miserable. Girl cooks lots of crappy meals for dad and generally behaves like doormat. Girl miserable. Girl falls for freaky boy …’ (August 20th, 2012)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘Crappy ass book, dont undedstand a word of it do not recommend this book to anyone don’t judge me ik its a classic but it frickin sucks.’ (December 28th, 2017)

Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White – ‘How in the world does a pig and a spider become friends? It’s beyond me.’ (March 1st, 2015)

Hamlet by William Shakespeare – I thought this sure was boring! Hamlet does too much talking and not enough stuff.’ (October 22nd, 2001)

The 10 Books I’ve Read This Year

Jun 22 2018

As is my custom at the halfway point of the year, I am devoting this post to the books that I have read so far in 2018. Well, there is over a week to go until the halfway point, but anyway … Here are the ten books that I have read in 2018. They are presented in the order in which I read them. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Skaboys by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Skagboys is set in the 1980s against a backdrop of Thatcherism, the rise of dance of music and HIV.

My Review: Skagboys is the prequel to Trainspotting. Its colourful, mostly young characters hail from the Edinburgh port suburb of Leith. There is the bookish …(more)

My Opinion: Excellent

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

Genre: Dark Humour

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. The book’s grave content is laced with humour of the dark variety.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in …(more)

My Opinion: Good

The Carrot Man by Theo A. Gerken

Genre: Humour

This existential comedy is replete with jokes. Some are offensive, few are amusing.

My Review: The Carrot Man is a novelette about a manic Swede who is revolted by his new flatmate; an unhygienic, unindustrious, unsociable specimen whom …(more)

My Opinion: Poor

The Trumpassic Period by David Belisle

Genre: Humour?

This politics-meets-palaeontology work purports to be a satire, of the lampooning variety.

My Review: The Trumpassic Period is a rehash of President Trump’s first year in office, but with dinosaurs substituting for the controversial leader and his cohorts …(more)

My Opinion: Sleep-inducing drivel

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Last Exit to Brooklyn is a controversial and ground-breaking transgressive work.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s …(more)

My Opinion: Memorable

Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

Genre: Humour/Satire

Vile Bodies is a satirical novel whose primary purpose is satirising decadent 1920s London society.

My Review: Author Adam plans to marry his fiancé Nina Blount, but he does not have enough money to convince his disinterested, aristocratic beau to tie the knot. Every time Adam …(more)

My Opinion: Curious and somewhat dated

Hotel Scarface by Roben Farzad

Genre: Non Fiction

Named after iconic film Scarface, Hotel Scarface captures the zeitgeist of 1980s Miami.

My Review: This is an account of the rise and fall of Hotel Mutiny; a Coconut Grove, Miami-based hotel and club founded in the 1970s. It became the haunt of rising cocaine …(more)

My Opinion: Okay

The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall

Genre: General Fiction?

This analytical and abstract book’s motif is mental health. Its contents include drawings and computer code.

My Review:Eric Sanderson is suffering from a form of amnesia called fugue, at least according to his psychologist. Eric is aware that his girlfriend Cleo died whilst …(more)

My Opinion: Pretentious and onerous

Not Exactly Shakespeare by Martin Freznell

Genre: Humour

Not Exactly Shakespeare purports to be the shortest book you’ll ever be forced to pretend to have to read.

My Review: There is not much to like or loath about this meagre and mildly comical offering …(more)

My Opinion: Not enough content to form one

Marabou Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

An inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness.

My Review: Roy Strang narrates this story from the hospital in which he is lying in a coma. It begins in South Africa, where he and his friend Sandy Jamieson are …(more)

My Opinion: Bleak and quite good

About me and my darkly humorous writing.