Other | Guy Portman's Blog

Hedging, Reading & More Besides.

Sep 18 2020

This week I have divided most of my time between writing, reading and hedging. The hedging is of the vegetation variety, as opposed to hedge funding. This form of hedging might not be as lucrative, but it’s probably more fatiguing.

Fortunately, my neighbour has been helping me. Otherwise it would be a Sisyphean task. Topping the hedge is going to have to wait until a suitable platform arrives from Amazon, as it’s just too high. I did briefly consider utilising a ladder. However, I came to the conclusion that using a chainsaw on a ladder probably isn’t a good idea.

The weight seems to fall off doing gardening, this despite the fact I have been drinking a few beers in the evenings.

This is my new washing machine. Two washes in and it’s working like clockwork.

It was nostalgic eating a ’99 Flake’ last weekend. I hadn’t had one in decades. They might not cost 99p anymore but they still taste just as good.

As for reading, it’s been typical fare of late. I recently finished this highly original satirical novel.

And I am currently reading this work of Transgressive Fiction.

Have a good weekend.

The Summerhouse, The Gazebo & A One Day Heatwave.

Jul 31 2020

Recently, I have been feeling less like a writer and more like a labourer slash handyman, albeit one with dire DIY skills. It seemed that no sooner had I finished removing and burning a leylandii hedge than it was time to varnish the summerhouse. It took my friend and I twenty-two hours to put two coats on the exterior and one inside. There are just so many multiple-sided bits jutting out all over it, and the windows took an eternity to do.

Once the electricity is sorted, I will start using it as my office. That is the summerhouse dealt with, now for The Gazebo. The front cover is currently being designed and I look forward to unveiling it soon. The Gazebo consists of two darkly humorous stories. It is my seventh book.

The below is me posing with a honeysuckle, which is going to make a tree stump outside my front door more ascetically pleasing. That is the plan anyway.

It had been several decades since I saw a snake here in the UK. I stumbled across this grass snake on a walk the other day.

There is a one-day heatwave taking place today in much of the country. It feels like Chad out there. The temperature is currently 34C (93.2F). My dog has been seeking shade, as have I.

Hope you are all enjoying the hot weather, if you have hot weather that is. Have a great weekend.

Darkly Humorous Fiction, Carb-Free Feasts & Arachnids

Jul 17 2020

This week people have been helping me polish the blurb for my forthcoming book – The Gazebo (Release date: Tues, Sep.1). It’s a little way off but I want to try and get it to some reviewers a month or so before it comes out, and the front cover is still being designed. I shared the blurb in progress last week. Here is the completed version:

Two men’s lives are about to implode. Can they save themselves before it’s too late?

The Gazebo: A husband’s lustful behaviour is out of control. If his wife finds out, there’ll be hell to pay – and she is on to him. Calamity looms in this warped tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

The Curse: They warned him to steer clear of the Transylvanian temptress, but entrepreneur Theo couldn’t resist her charms. Now he’s up to his neck in trouble. Could it be the death of him?

These turbulent romps merge domestic disaster with caustic comedy to devastating effect. If you like dark humour, you’ll relish these stories about desire and deception.

Here is a picture of a carb-free feast I had earlier in the week.

What with my new summerhouse, I will finally be able to get some bookshelves to house my books. Here is some of my homeless humorous fiction collection. Most are of the dark humour variety.

Last night I had a bedtime companion – a rarity these days.

This morning I came across these two deer on my morning walk. Fortunately, my dog obeyed my command, ‘Leave it!’ because the Roe buck on the left appeared quite feisty.

I hear that pesky bug is still about. Stay well, keep safe and have a good weekend.

A Gazebo, A Summerhouse & Black Comedy

Jul 10 2020

This week I’ve been working on my new book – The Gazebo. Here are some details:

Two men’s lives are about to implode. Can they save themselves before it’s too late?

The Gazebo: A husband’s peculiar lust is out of control. If his wife finds out, there’ll be hell to pay – and she is on to him. Calamity looms in this warped tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

The Curse: They warned him to steer clear of the Transylvanian temptress, but entrepreneur Theo couldn’t resist her charms. Now he’s up to his neck in trouble.

The Gazebo will be released late summer.

That is not a gazebo, it’s a summerhouse that has just been erected in my garden. It is going to be my office. There is still a fair bit of work to do – roof covering, insulation, electrics, patio and varnishing. Hopefully, it will be up and running in a month or so. I picked it up discounted due to the Covid-19 crisis. It’s proven to be an absolute nightmare for the builders as a lot of the pieces did not come cut to size.

Here’s my dog Trigga having a snooze on his favourite chair. It’s strange because there’s a big sofa next to it, but he prefers being cramped in his familiar chair.

I have been eating a fair bit of watermelon of late. No, that’s not my bowl. As I can’t get through half a watermelon on my own, I need help.

What with Lockdown relaxing, I imagine some of you are getting out and about a bit more. Last weekend I visited family for the first time in ages. This beef bourguignon was Sunday lunch.

Have a good weekend.

Humorous Fiction and A New Toy

Jul 03 2020

You know when you have no luck with something. It could be anything – but in my case it’s brush cutters amongst other things. I started off with the cheapest I could find. It weighed the same as an Atlas stone from World’s Strongest Man, and the engine overheated and switched itself off every two minutes. I then bought a Kawasaki which was pretty good until it wasn’t. As repairing it was proving to be a big undertaking, I upgraded this week to the Ferrari of brush cutters – a Stihl FS70. It cost an arm and a leg, but I am hoping it will be just what the doctor ordered. I will be taking it out for a test run soon.

Here’s my dog posing with his new tennis ball in my mown, but not brush cut garden.

I just got him this 2kg bag of charcoal dog biscuits from Amazon. What did we do before Amazon came on the scene? Surely life was less convenient. They might come in for a lot of criticism, but I for one am somewhat dependent on them.

My seventh book is currently being proofread. The Gazebo is a darkly humorous quick read, consisting of two stories.

Story One: Lust threatens to go horribly wrong in a tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

Story Two: When an entrepreneur falls for a temptress, his life rapidly spirals out of control.

A lot of people have been getting a fair bit of reading done over Lockdown. I’ve done some, but not as much as many from the sound of things. Of late, my book choices have been somewhat eclectic. But I’m going to stick with my genre, humorous fiction, for a while. My next two reads will be:

Have a good weekend.

Gardening, Beer, Reading & Lockdown Easing.

Jun 19 2020

Lockdown restrictions are beginning to ease and it seems things are returning to normal. This was made clear to me when I went to the supermarket this week and came across these Kleenex Originals. They are the first I’d seen in months. Was beginning to think Kleenex Originals had gone the same way as the dodo and woolly mammoth.

And that wasn’t the end of the supermarket’s pleasant surprises. This box of twenty-four Moretti was a mere twenty-three quid. What a deal.

I decided to make a daytrip of it, and also went to the gardening tool shop in addition to the supermarket. The protective shield bit had broken off on my brush cutter, and the lid for the scart socket keeps coming off, which has resulted in me getting sporadic electric shocks. A potentially catastrophic combination.

It transpires that it needs a new blade too. This is why cutting the garden has turned into a fulltime occupation. I had put it down to inefficiency on my part.

As for reading, I have just started a new book. This fiction writer needs a non fiction fix once in a while. It is proving to be interesting , but long.

Green tea and a Twix are an agreeable combination.

So is standard tea and a chocolate éclair.

Right, time to get going. My dog is waiting for his walk.

I’ve left Trigga out in the garden to scare off the pigeons. They keep eating my grass seed. Have a good weekend.

A Gazebo, A Reading Recommendation, and Lockdown Haircuts.

Jun 12 2020

I finally had enough of waiting for hairdressers to reopen and shaved my head. You’ll have to take my word for it; it looks bad.

Of late, it has been unusually dry in the South of England. The heavens have just opened however. My new, threadbare lawn could certainly do with some water.

Having a dog is useful, in that he/she can help out when one has too much food in stock. There was no way I was going to be able to eat a whole melon on my own.

Here is my dog Trigga taking his siesta.

I imagine some of you are getting quite a bit of reading done during Lockdown. My current read is:

I am very impressed with this female character driven novel, and I look forward to reviewing it in the review section of my blog in due course.

As mentioned previously, I have been getting a lot of writing done during Lockdown.

My seventh book is currently with beta readers. The Gazebo is a tautly written, darkly humorous quick read, consisting of two stories.

Story One: British middle-aged lust threatens to go horribly wrong in a tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

Story Two: When a wealthy English entrepreneur falls for a Transylvanian temptress, his life rapidly spirals out of control.

I look forward to revealing more soon. Have a good weekend.

Click here to view My Goodreads Author Page.

Dark Fiction, Empty Fridges & Culinary Titbits

May 22 2020

It’s Friday again. This week I read Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. I was only introduced to dark fiction author McCarthy last year, and I’ve already read four of his books. Blood Meridian is quite possibly the most brutal novel ever written.

Another trip to the supermarket was in order.

I was in luck however. Hidden away at the back of the freezer, there were gyoza. This time I succeeded in not getting them stuck to the frying pan.

Panic buying and long queues no longer appear to be an issue in the shops here, for now anyway. You are probably experiencing the same, I assume, unless you’re in Brazil. Covid-19 is wreaking havoc over there at the moment it seems, no thanks to their president.

Burning the cuttings from the garden. It proved to be an incredibly smoky fire.

My dog is obsessed with water. His reflection is the reason why I think.

Currently, I am offering the first instalment in my darkly humorous Necropolis Trilogy for free to people who sign up to my mailing list. This week I’ve sold a few copies, but haven’t succeeded in giving any away for free. If you fancy changing that, here are the details.

What is a sociopath to do?

Click here to get #1 for FREE.

Anyway, time to get back to work on my next book – tentatively titled The Gazebo. It consists of two darkly humorous stories set in the south of England, and will be of novella length. Themes include relationships; fractious ones. I look forward to sharing more in due course. Have a good weekend.

Lockdown: Light At The End Of The Tunnel.

May 08 2020

The news here in the UK is that the lockdown is poised to be relaxed soon. What form this will take, only time will tell. Other European countries are beginning to return to normal, or at least a new normal, so it’s inevitable we’ll follow suit now new cases of Covid-19 are falling fast.

What are you most looking forward to doing when lockdown ends? For me – getting a haircut.

And what am I least looking forward to? The inevitable increase in taxes.

This week I’ve been catching up with my book reviews for the books I’ve read this year. The six new reviews will be making an appearance on my blog soon. If you haven’t already, you might be interested in the 165 reviews I’ve written (see My Reviews section). I’ve also been jogging and weight training. Here is my dog waiting for me to catch up on a run in the woods.

And here’s an inquisitive deer looking into my garden.

I’ve been drinking Corona. Couldn’t resist Tesco’s ten quid box offer of the stuff. If there’s a better warm weather beer out there, I am yet to try it.

Yesterday, I was pleased to see a duck on the tiny pond I recently dug out in my garden.

Lockdown is obviously proving pretty trying for people, particularly those stuck in small apartments in the city, and I hope things improve for them soon. As for me, the lockdown hasn’t made much difference to my life thus far. What would I have been doing differently anyway? Not much. But knowing that others are also stuck at home makes me feel better. Selfish perhaps; but what is there in this world if not by comparison.

Visitors have been pouring into my blog of late. What does this mean? Not a lot. They are coming to read my articles and reviews of books, and have no interest in me, my mailing list, or the six books I’ve written. C’est la vie; better that than nothing I suppose. I’m used to obscurity after a lifetime of it. Perhaps one of these days I’ll monetise this blog. Maybe sign up for an affiliate program with book retailers. Until then hope springs eternal. Have a good weekend. Keep well and stay safe.

ABOUT ME PAGE

5 Things To Do During Lockdown.

May 01 2020

Lockdown continues to drag on here in the UK. Though there is light at the end of the tunnel, so we’re told. What with all the time people are spending at home, gardens have never had so much TLC. As it was raining this week, I took the opportunity to plant some hedges. You can pick the things up for peanuts at the moment. Planting my hedges entailed digging ninety holes.

And then it was time for the grass seed.

And then the wild flower seed.

Reading is a great way to wile away the time on lockdown. My current read is a morbid one.

I have been doing a lot of writing of late. My work in progress is a book of novella length, consisting of two darkly humorous tales, set for the most part in the upper echelons of English society. One of the tales has a supernatural theme.

Shopping was once a pleasure; it is now at best an inconvenience, at worst a nightmare. The queues to get into the supermarket are pretty horrendous and I try and stick to smaller shops. I’d been on the look out for these for over a month. If they didn’t come in a pack of six, this would constitute hoarding.

My fifth activity has been cleaning. Here is my dog sheltering on dry land after the floor was mopped.

Have a good weekend.

Category - Other

Hedging, Reading & More Besides.

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The Summerhouse, The Gazebo & A One Day Heatwave.

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Darkly Humorous Fiction, Carb-Free Feasts & Arachnids

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A Gazebo, A Summerhouse & Black Comedy

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Humorous Fiction and A New Toy

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Gardening, Beer, Reading & Lockdown Easing.

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A Gazebo, A Reading Recommendation, and Lockdown Haircuts.

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Dark Fiction, Empty Fridges & Culinary Titbits

Like this:

Lockdown: Light At The End Of The Tunnel.

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5 Things To Do During Lockdown.

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Category - Other

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