Amazon | Guy Portman's Blog

Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Jul 06 2018

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in most instances hilarious one star Amazon reviews.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – “… essentially the plot to ‘Jaws'” (June 1st, 2001)

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘An eruption of verbal flatulence.’ (August 30th, 1999)

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘It was utter garbage.’ (June 6th, 2017)

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy – ‘This is an awful book… there is nothing of credit to his writing. It is devoid of any depth. Don’t waste your brain, …’ (February 22nd, 2009)

The Witches by Roald Dahl – ‘This book is teaching children false information about witches. We don’t turn children into mouses and kill them. We are normal people!’ (February 17th, 2003)

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘This book was absolute inane drivel from the start …’ (December 29th, 2017)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages.’ (August 19th, 2004)

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon – ‘I forgot to take my LSD first. Save your dough. This is like Ulysses. A good argument for a good old fashioned book burning …’ (February 7th, 2014)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer – ‘Girl moves to rainy town. Girl is miserable. Girl gets stalked by freakish boy. Girl remains miserable. Girl cooks lots of crappy meals for dad and generally behaves like doormat. Girl miserable. Girl falls for freaky boy …’ (August 20th, 2012)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘Crappy ass book, dont undedstand a word of it do not recommend this book to anyone don’t judge me ik its a classic but it frickin sucks.’ (December 28th, 2017)

Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White – ‘How in the world does a pig and a spider become friends? It’s beyond me.’ (March 1st, 2015)

Hamlet by William Shakespeare – I thought this sure was boring! Hamlet does too much talking and not enough stuff.’ (October 22nd, 2001)

Amazon’s Review Purge

Jun 15 2018

It has been a worrying week for authors, what with Amazon’s ongoing Stalinesque review purge. Many authors have had reviews removed for their books, and some have lost all their reviews. For authors who have spent in many instances years gathering reviews, this is deeply distressing. The #giveourreviewsback hashtag has been trending on Twitter.

Amazon’s review writing rules change periodically. They now forbid anyone connected to the author (i.e. family members) writing a review. In addition they don’t permit review exchange services, and those who want to leave a review have to have spent x amount on the regional Amazon concerned. I think $50. Whilst this is fair enough many authors have complained they are having ‘genuine’ reviews removed.

To date (cue touch wood), I have only had a handful of reviews removed. My concern and many others is that Amazon has now frozen our accounts, meaning we cannot receive reviews in the future. I am suspicious about the absence of new reviews for the first two instalments in my Necropolis trilogy. I am currently awaiting a response from Amazon about this. Fingers crossed it is okay because the alternative does not bear thinking about.

Here is a picture of my dog. Something outside had caught his attention. Either a bird or the Amazon delivery man. As I heard footsteps approaching I told myself, It’s not the Amazon delivery man’s fault.

I hope you are all enjoying the World Cup. I just got this Panini World Cup Italia 90 inspired mug from Sainsbury’s. It is bringing back a lot of childhood memories.

If you are looking for reading recommendations might I suggest you check out the book review section of my blog. You will find 131 of my reviews there.

My Book Industry Ramblings

Jan 29 2016

Of late I have been devoting my weekly blog posts to my new psychological thriller, Symbiosis (released last Thursday). Click here to read the reviews. In preparation for the release of Symbiosis I conducted some book industry research, some of which I relay here. I hope you find it interesting.

Amazon6

The bestselling adult Fiction printed book of 2015 was Go Set a Watchman by Harper Lee. Total units sold in 2015: 1,599,189.

Amazon’s bestselling book of 2015 was The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. It is set to become a film starring Emily Blunt later this year.

Most fortuitous current book title — Girl on a Train by Alison Waines. Lots of readers confused the title with The Girl On The Train, resulting in tens of thousands of sales for its previously unsung author.

Current bestselling self-published book — A Shade of Vampire by Bella Forrest. Yes, vampires again.

Most anticipated book of 2016 — There are many books vying for this accolade, including The Last Days of New Paris by China Miéville. This alternative history novel is destined to be a bestseller.

Most anticipated non-fiction book of 2016 — Again this is a matter of opinion. There is certainly a lot of excitement over the release this spring of Leonard: My Fifty-Year Friendship With a Remarkable Man by William Shatner. It celebrates the man behind Mr. Spock from Star Trek.

2016

Genre currently on the rise — Adult colouring-in books. I was really surprised to discover this. Did I like colouring-in when I was a child? Quite. Do I want to do colouring-in now? Not really. But lots of people do. It’s cathartic apparently. I’m considering trying one out.

Genre to look out for — Bizarro Fiction is an up-and-coming genre. Bizarro Fiction titles are indeed bizarre. Take Adolf in Wonderland for instance.

The most lucrative genres are Romance and Erotica.

And now for some industry news.

Indie authors currently make up about 20% of the book market.

Amazon borrows are growing at the expense of sales. This is not surprising when one considers that Amazon Prime is now in 38% of American households. The Kindle Owner’s Lending Library (KOLL) is certainly controversial, and some well known authors have opted out of it altogether. Currently I am a fan. This is because KOLL was primarily responsible for lifting my 2nd novel, Necropolis, from obscurity to the lofty position (yesterday morning GMT) of No.11 in the Kindle – Dark Comedy category on Amazon.com.

Future of the Book

Jul 24 2015

The first e-book readers (Rocket eBook & SoftBook Reader) were launched in Silicon Valley in 1998. November 2007 saw Amazon release the Amazon Kindle (Cost: $399). It sold out in 5 1/2 hours. Today, 7 generations of Kindle later, there are 3.6m e-books (including my 2 novels) on the Amazon Kindle Store.

Approximately 30% of books are now sold as e-books. However, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that the demise of the paper book is not imminent. Nielsen BookScan (tracks what readers are buying) revealed that the number of paper books sold went up 2.4% in 2014.

(Courtesy of pencanada)

The book industry continues to be in a state of flux. Amazon’s war with the publishing industry (c.f. Hachette) has been well-documented. Amazon (controls 67% approx. of the U.S. e-book market) emerged victorious from the ‘Ebook Wars’, its heavily armed Kindles decimating Barnes and Noble’s woefully under-equipped Nooks. In the UK Amazon’s continued dominance has been challenged by supermarkets (Sainsbury & Tesco). The most likely challenge to Amazon’s domination of the e-book segment of its business in the foreseeable future is from Apple, who are rapidly closing in on 2nd place in the US market.

Whether the future (paper books) will see Amazon delivery drones surging through the sky above the ruins of former bookshops, only time will tell. With regards e-books, there seems no doubt that subscription services will increasingly come to the fore over the next few years. Bloomberg View columnist Leonid Bershidsky declared last year that the ‘… future of book ownership will soon be an anachronism.’ He claims that the future of books will be ‘an enormous digital library in the cloud, …’

Last year, Amazon launched Kindle Unlimited, a service that entails subscribers paying a monthly fee in exchange for access to around 700,000 books. It has been frequently hypothesised that Apple are poised to enter the fray. This seems likely, considering the manner in which we are now increasingly consuming media content (c.f. music, Netflix etc.).

Another recent innovation, that will inevitably become more popular, are ‘books’ that span different forms of media. In 2014 Rosetta Books published Find Me I’m Yours by author, artist & digital innovator Hillary Carlip. Described as a ‘Click Lit Novel’, it is a blend of words, images, videos, links and interactive elements, which enable the ‘reader’ to participate in polls as well as give their opinions. The story is about an L.A. based artist, employed at a bridal website, who has a predilection for cutting up 2 different cardigans and then sewing them together again (Why? – I don’t know why). 1 day she purchases a camera, which contains a video from a man (hunky/cheesy type) requesting to be her soul mate, but only if she is able to find him in time. A ~~trashy~~ ~~nauseating~~ delightful pursuit ensues.

In the future there will be ‘books’ that will entail reading, watching, hearing and no doubt a tactile virtual reality element too. Each and every 1 of the consumer’s sensory desires will be satisfied. One imagines that this approach will prove to be beneficial in encouraging reading-reluctant children.

Mother calls down from upstairs to young son, ‘Darling, if you read up to page 30, you can play the rest of the book.’ ………………………….. ‘Yes, there’s a monster’ ………………. (sighs) …. ‘Yes, you get to decapitate and disembowel the monster at the end.’

The Evolution of Books

Nov 07 2014

At the beginning there were papyrus scrolls. Later came handwritten bound books. With the invention of the printing press in the 15th Century books became accessible to the masses for the first time, changing the course of history.

Today ebooks and online retailers are revolutionising the publishing industry once again. The low costs associated with creating and distributing ebooks has seen a proliferation in the number of books being published.

1960 – 8,100 ISBNs issued.

2013 – 1.4m ISBNs issued.

This is largely due to the number of self-published authors entering a marketplace that was traditionally reserved for authors signed with publishing houses.

(courtesy of gallery hip)

There has also been a marked increase in the number of book genres. Yesterday’s readers would no doubt be surprised to find genres such as Amish Fiction, Steam Punk, and an infestation of Romance sub-genres, including Nascar, Amish (again) and Centaurs. So frequently when online am I accosted by book front covers depicting half-dressed cowboys and period clothed cavorting couples in various states of undress that I am seriously considering having a sick bag dispenser installed at my desk. My reading tastes aside, genre fiction, particularly Romance, are performing well in this new era of publishing. Evidence of this is the fact that female Romance authors have been dominating recent Smashwords self-published bestseller lists.

Amazon has been at the forefront of this publishing revolution. Jeff Bezos, a man who was once described as a ‘hyper-intelligent alien with a tangential interest in human affairs’ founded the company in 1994.

Amazon’s war with publishing is well documented. Most recently its battles with publishing behemoth Hachette has seen Amazon accused of aggressive tactics, including delaying deliveries of Hachette books, halting the sale of others, and displaying banners on their website alongside their books with the words, ‘Similar items at a lower price’, in what could be described as the modern equivalent of the medieval siege. Back in the 15th Century the inventor of the printing press, Johannes Guttenberg, died near penniless due to legal battles over his printer. What will be the fate of today’s publishers? Perhaps they will be forced to flee their plush offices and seek refuge in the ruins of closed bookshops, as Amazon drones darken the skies above. A more likely scenario is that they will find ways to adapt to the rapidly changing marketplace.

Although some major authors have been vociferous in their criticism of Amazon, many less famous authors, including myself (Charles Middleworth & Necropolis), have welcomed the high profits Amazon offer, in addition to their advanced recommendation systems that have proved invaluable in assisting authors to find new readers.

Amazon Drones

Dec 13 2013

Question: What flies through the sky delivering presents the night before Christmas?

Answer: An Amazon Drone.

This is not the case quite yet, but may well be in the not too distant future, as most of you have probably heard by now. Amazon chief executive and robot fanatic, Jeff Bezos, plans to have a squadron of unmanned ‘octocopters’ deployed in the next five years, capable of delivering packages of up to about 2.3 kilos (86% of Amazon sales are comprised of small goods).

(Courtesy if business2community.com)

The company’s proposed new Luftwaffe will be known as Amazon Prime Air. Some have claimed that the announcement was a mere publicity stunt on the part of Amazon, but with battalions of Kiwa robots already at work in the retail behemoth’s depots, it seem likely that Amazon has ambitions to expand its empire upwards.

Conservatives, already up in arms over the erosion of Christmas traditions (c.f. Sarah Palin) are no doubt already ruing the day when children, too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve, lie up in bed, ears turned to the heavens, awaiting the buzz of an Amazon drone. However there are quite a number of obstacles to contend with before these battery fueled, GPS directed drones become a reality. Issues that will need to be resolved include:

Battery Life (currently only about 20-30 mins)
GPS Issues (notably distance)
Secure Wireless Connection
Weather
Existing Flying Safety Regulations (issues with flying over densely populated areas)
In-Flight Collisions (birds/remote control airplanes/UFOs)
Landing Issues (cars/dogs/thieves)

It would be mere conjecture at this point to comment on whether at Christmas time these Apocalyptic Santae will be dragged by robotic reindeer, will be coming down chimneys, if they will emit ‘ho ho’ noises and if they will expect to have brandy left out for them. To mention nothing of the children left wailing in their wake, having discovered that the Amazon Santa drone is not the Christmas present after all, but rather the tacky, cheap, Chinese made plastic toy it left behind.

A number of Amazon’s competitors have responded to the drone announcement with announcements of their own. Book retailer, Waterstones, have outlined plans for O.W.L.S, (Ornithological Waterstones Landing Service). Waterstones were keen to stress that it will take a number of years to train the owls to deliver books. In the United States, gift certificate company, Groupon, responded to the announcement with plans to use medieval style catapults to make deliveries.

Though Amazon’s competitors ridiculing their drone plans might prove mildly amusing in the short term, there is nothing in the history of this innovative online retailer, bent on global domination, to suggest that they will not soon be ruling the skies.

Click on the link below to view an Amazon Prime Air drone demonstration.

Click here to read my blog post about Amazon’s robotic workforce.

Amazon’s Robotic Workforce

Nov 29 2013

This week we take a hiatus from the Bizarre Author Deaths series to evaluate developments at surging retail behemoth, Amazon. As many of you know I have previously written a number of posts on Amazon related matters, including their increasing dominance, Asian expansion and their so-called war against publishing. Today’s post is about Amazon’s workforce.

As with most large corporations, Amazon’s workplace practices have on occasion been lambasted. Only this week the company received negative publicity in the lead up to its busiest time of year, with workers going on strike over pay at two distribution centres in Germany (Leipzig & Bad Hersfeld).

Fortunately such disruption may soon be a thing of the past for Amazon, with last year’s deployment of 1,382 robotic staff members a sign of things to come. I am of course referring to real robots not staff allegedly made to feel like robots, such as young undercover reporter Adam Littler, purportedly forced to walk 11 miles during a ten and a half hour shift in a Swansea based Amazon work camp.

It is hardly surprising that head Amazon cyborg, Jeff Bezos, should have such an interest in his fellow kind. After all this is the man/cyborg/robot/bionic being, who was described by former subordinate Steve Yegge as a:

‘‘hyper-intelligent alien with a tangential interest in human affairs.”

Bezos’s personal fascination in robots extends far beyond the $775 million Amazon paid to buy Kiva Systems, the company responsible for building Amazon’s robotic workforce. Amazon’s head honcho has also reportedly invested $7m of his own funds in another robot venture, Heartland Robotics. It would appear to be only a matter of time before further battalions of robots are deployed at Amazon distribution centres.

(A Kiva Robot – Courtesy of www.wired.co.uk)

Entertaining and eloquent in public, Amazon’s innovative leader is known not to suffer fools lightly in private. Previous comments directed at employees (human ones), whose performances have fallen below his exacting standards, include:

‘Are you lazy or just incompetent?’

‘I’m sorry, did I take my stupid pills today?’

With such disregard for human error, it seems little surprise that Bezos’s beloved Kiva robotic staff members signify a potential shift in the company’s hiring practices.

(Courtesy of www.singularityhub.com)

Last week in an attempt to investigate the latest update on the non-arrival of my Amazon book order, The Legend of the Holy Drinker by Joseph Roth (currently not in stock), I phoned Amazon. As expected of the company that sets the benchmark in customer satisfaction, the call was picked up within two minutes. The call was answered by a vaguely female sounding voice – mechanical in nature, devoid of the usual emotion and intonation one expects from human interaction. My suspicions aroused I enquired if she was a Kiva robot. Without pause she replied ‘no’, before continuing with the update on my order. Still unconvinced, I remembered that there are instances of dogs thinking they are people and assuming the same might hold true for robots, I rephrased the question.

‘Are you orange, about a foot high and travel around on wheels?’

After a momentary pause she replied,

‘I’m not orange, but I’m about a foot high and yes I travel around on wheels.’

Aware that she might be referring to a wheel chair and not wishing to enter the shark infested waters that is disability discrimination, I quickly changed tack, returning the subject matter back to my missing order, having decided to leave robotic related enquiries for another day. But I digress.

One of Amazon boss, Jeff Bezos’s, favourite phrases is reportedly,

‘Work hard, have fun, make history.’

The company are undoubtedly making history, but Bezos can also be rest assured that during Amazon’s busy festive period, his Kiva robots will not only be working hard, they will be having fun (unlike poor suffering Adam Littler). The video below is of a battalion of Kiva robots, still brimming with festive cheer at the end of an arduous shift, putting on an impromptu display of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker.

Amazon Versus Publishing

Nov 08 2013

The ongoing battle for dominance of the publishing industry saw Amazon emerge victorious from the ‘Ebook Wars’, its heavily armed Kindles decimating Barnes and Nobles’s woefully under-equipped Nooks. The ‘Pricing Wars’, which included an ambitious offensive by vigilante book retailer Overstock, who implemented an aggressive bestselling titles discount campaign, is now little more than a skirmish after Overstock made a predictable tactical retreat thereby avoiding being annihilated by Amazon.

Amazon’s ambitious empire expansion plans have entailed a campaign to lure customers to switch allegiances to them. The company’s strategy of rolling-out a series of new programs has had the dual purpose of distinguishing themselves from their competitors while crucially keeping Amazon in the media spotlight. Recent innovations include – Kindle First, Kindle Matchbook, Amazon Smile, Day One, Kindle Countdown Deals and Free Kindle Freetime subscriptions.

(Courtesy of www.clker.com)

Kindle First and Kindle Countdown are arguably the two programs that offer the most benefit for readers, authors and publishers alike. Kindle First allows Prime Members the opportunity to download one free ebook per month ahead of an official launch, whilst the Kindle Countdown, which is open to all customers, highlights discounted ebooks, at the same time putting pressure on customers to make quick purchases due to the timer which ticks down the days, hours and minutes until the deal expires. As with Amazon’s Kindle Select offering, publishers are only eligible for inclusion on the condition that the given title is exclusive to the Kindle platform (i.e. the title has been removed from competitors platforms) and is discounted by at least a dollar (£0.62).

Amazon’s approach has no doubt been successful to date, the fact that they control about 75% of the ebook market in the US and Canada pays testimony to this. Amazon is also striving to expand its empire into new markets, particularly Asia, as well as various other territories, including countries like Poland, where ebook sales are expected to increase more than ten times between 2011 and 2016.

However new threats to Amazon’s continuing dominance of the ebook market have emerged in the form of supermarkets. In the UK, Sainsbury’s have declared a discount war against Amazon. Last month Sainsbury’s offered ebook titles from bestselling authors at 99p for periods ranging from one day to an entire month. These ebooks are accessible through Android, Adobe Readers, Kobo devices and Nooks, but crucially not via Amazon’s kindle offerings. Sainsbury’s nemesis Tesco are also getting in on the action, having recently brought out their own-brand tablet, the Hudl (modestly priced at £119). To date the Hudl has been well received by customers and analysts alike.

(Courtesy of www.droid-life.com)

Despite the fact that Amazon have established a position of dominance, the future remains uncertain. It was not so many years ago that Microsoft were in complete ascendency of their market yet now that supremacy is being eroded.

Click here to read my post about Amazon’s Asian expansion.

Amazon’s Assault

Aug 09 2013

Amazon emerged victorious from the ‘Ebook Wars’, their fleet of multi-attack Kindles establishing virtual air dominance, decimating Barnes and Nobles’s woefully under-equipped Nook to such an extent that the company announced in June that they would no longer be manufacturing them.

The world is now being ravaged by ‘The Pricing Wars’. Recent battles have included vigilante book retailer Overstock counter-attacking Amazon with a massive bestselling hardcover title discounting offensive, the likes of which the world has never before witnessed.

One suspects that this kamikaze act by Overstock is nothing more than a courageous but futile last stand that will result in inevitable surrender. Amazon’s victorious army could soon be marching vast lines of defeated Overstock foot soldiers to what some have made out to be the gulags of the 21st Century, Amazon warehouses. There have been accusations that poor treatment and tortuous work conditions are endemic in these tax avoidance enclaves. Others have argued that Amazon has provided a valuable boost to the economy by bringing employment to these former desolate areas, an example being the erection of an Amazon work camp warehouse in remote Chattanooga, Tennessee, where President Obama recently gave a speech.

This is not an isolated incident of defiance from the publishing industry in the face of Amazon’s prolonged assault. From the smoking rubble of their bricks and mortar business, two former foes, Penguin and Random House have formed an alliance to fight the Axis under their new flag, Penguin Random House.

The rhetoric from the the publishing industry and anti-Amazon consumers alike is that Amazon’s attack on their holy city of literature is personal, but in reality it is anything but. Amazon’s autocrat Jeff Bezos is by many accounts not the personal type. Former Amazon subordinate Steve Yegge described Bezos as being a;

“hyper-intelligent alien with a tangential interest in human affairs.”

(Courtesy of www.commerce.wa.gov.au)

Whatever Bezos’s true nature it can appear to the neutral observer that Bezos has a particular disliking for bricks and mortar; the shattered remnants of the high street bears testimony to this. Many would no doubt not be surprised if Bezos’s disdain for bricks and mortar extended to him rejecting housing in favour of living in a pod.

Amazon may well have waged war against the publishing industry, but it is no different to what they have done with the music and film industries. Pricing wars are the order of the day with these too, with discounts of up to 69% on many popular film and television series DVDs.

It is generally considered to be ill-advisable to bite the hand that feeds you and with Amazon’s food delivery service, Amazon Fresh, extending their venture from Seattle to Los Angeles it appears only a matter of time before they will be doing exactly that.

(Click to read Amazon Part 1 and Part 2)

Amazon’s Asian Expansion

Aug 02 2013

“The empire on which the sun never sets” was a phrase often used to describe the British Empire of the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, but it would be just as apt to describe surging retailing super-power Amazon’s global empire. The Amazon land grab continues to gather pace with the recent announcement of further invasion plans, including the expansion of the Android based Appstore into nearly 200 countries (previously was only the USA, UK, Germany, Italy, Spain and Japan). Heavily armoured versions of the all conquering super-sonic Amazon Kindle, the Kindle Fire HD and Kindle Fire HD 8.9 are set to be deployed in a further 170 countries.

With America and Europe close to submission, Amazon has its long range ballistic missiles pointed eastwards towards Asia. It is apparent that Amazon has very different strategies to gain control of the two continental power-houses, China and India.

With regards India Amazon has utilised a siege mentality. They have sat back and waited patiently whilst India’s own domestic online retailers (e.g. Myntra, Flipkart & Jabong) have fought hard to win over the country’s reluctant online consumers. It appears only a matter of time before Amazon commences a full ground assault, their tanks running roughshod over the gains made by these guerrilla armies. Amazon’s recent launch of Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing in India can be viewed as a strategic base from which total subjugation of the country appears inevitable.

China will be hoping that they are buffered from Amazon’s global expansion by Tibet (a word you won’t find on Amazon.cn). At present Amazon controls less than 1% of the Chinese e-commerce market and many strategists are of the opinion that it will be prove to be very difficult for Amazon to penetrate the Great Wall of China and expand their empire eastwards. Neutral observers have pointed out that Amazon’s efforts may be curtailed by their deal to provide $600m worth of cloud computing services to the CIA, something which one suspects has not exactly endeared them to the Chinese authorities.

(Courtesy of www.wpdailythemes.com)

Whilst China’s rapidly expanding navy has been accused of being aggressive in regional maritime disputes with its smaller neighbours, they will find the Amazon fleet a very different proposition.

There is no doubt that Amazon’s autocrat Jeff Bezos, a man described by google engineer Steve Yegge as having a ‘giant brain’, will have carefully planned his empire’s expansion eastwards. Not only are China and India the most populace nations on the planet with fast growing economies, but Indians are currently the world’s most avid readers, averaging 10.42 hours a week, with China in third place with 8 hours. Amazon has a history of using literature as a decoy to lure its unsuspecting victims into purchasing other consumer items such as televisions and washing machines. It seems inevitable that this strategy will be deployed once again.

To be continued.

Click here to read Part 1.

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Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

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Amazon’s Review Purge

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My Book Industry Ramblings

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Future of the Book

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The Evolution of Books

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Amazon Drones

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Amazon’s Robotic Workforce

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Amazon Versus Publishing

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Amazon’s Assault

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Amazon’s Asian Expansion

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