Author quotes | Guy Portman's Blog

13 Humorous Quotes About Writing

Jul 20 2018

This humour writer relishes humorous quotes about writing. Here are thirteen that have not previously appeared on my blog. Well, one them has, but I like it so much I am including it again.

If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published. – Anonymous

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory. – Franklin P. Jones

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress. – Philip Roth

Long, hard slog today writing the Great American Tweet. (That was it…what do you think? Pulitzer?) – Greg Tamblyn

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.– Christopher Hampton

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. – Doug Larson

Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness … – George Orwell

As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. – Calvin Trillin

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. – Tom Clancy

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. – Fred Allen

The only time I’ll get good reviews is if I kill myself. – Edward Albee

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. – Flannery O’Connor

He does not so much split his infinitives as disembowel them. – Rebecca West

20 Quotes About Writing

Feb 02 2018

Here are 20 writing-related quotes. I hope these will amuse and/or inspire my fellow writers.

You know you should be writing. Get off Twitter – Yvette Kate Willemse

Grammar, you’re the pickiest noun I know – Buffy Andrews

Writers, like teeth, are divided into incisors and grinders – Walter Bagehot

Pen-bereavement is a serious matter – Anne Fadiman

Discipline is the bridge between a great idea and a completed novel – T. N. Suarez

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. I say its closer to 675 or 700 – A. E. Samaan

He carried a pencil that put a camera to shame – E. B. White

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind —Patrick Dennis

You cannot write unless you write much – W. Somerset Maugham

Those who write are writers. Those who wait are waiters – A. Lee Martinez

The more you leave out, the more you highlight what you leave in – Henry Green

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress — Philip Roth

Before publishers’ blurbs were invented, authors had to make their reputations by writing – Laurence J. Peter

Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard – Daphne du Maurier

Not a wasted word. This has been a main point to my literary thinking all my life —Hunter S. Thompson

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory – Franklin P. Jones

The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair – Mary Heaton Vorse

Writers don’t have lifestyles. They sit in little rooms and write – Norman Mailer

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write – Saul Bellow

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good – Dr. Samuel Johnson, to an aspiring writer

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15 Author Quotes about Ebooks

Jul 28 2017

It was not so long ago that some were predicting that the end was nigh for printed books. However, in the UK at least, it is being reported that ebook sales are now declining whilst sales of printed books are on the rise.

The other day I came across this excellent quote by Stephen Fry (see below) about Kindle. This got me thinking about what my fellow authors think about ebooks/ebook readers. On conducting some research I discovered these perceptive and amusing author quotes on the subject. Here are 15 author quotes about ebooks/ebook readers:

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators. — Stephen Fry

Lovers of print are simply confusing the plate for the food. — Douglas Adams

It seems to me that anyone whose library consists of a Kindle lying on a table is some sort of bloodless nerd. — Penelope Lively

Life without a Kindle is like life without a library nearby. — Franz S. McLaren, Home Lost

Growing up in the digital age, I’m expected to embrace all forms of modern technology with blissful ignorance. Books were always one of few escapes from this, because reading a book means not having to look at another damned glowing screen… — Rebecca McNutt

F@@k them is what I say. I hate those ebooks. They can not be the future. They may well be. I will be dead. I won’t give a s@@t. — Maurice Sendak

I guess you can call me “old fashioned”. I prefer the book with the pages that you can actually turn. Sure, I may have to lick the tip of my fingers so that the pages don’t stick together… — Felicia Johnson

Have they all bought Kindles? I have one, and I use it most nights. I always imagine the books staring and whispering, Traitor! – but come on, I have a lot of free first chapters to get through. — Robin Sloan

Stock complaints about the inherent pleasure of ye olde format are bandied about whenever some new upstart invention comes along. Each moan is nothing more than a little foetus of nostalgia jerking in your gut. — Charlie Brooker

If e-book readers were invented before print books, (petty things such as) the smell of ink would have been some people’s only reason for not abandoning e-books. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

They’ll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it. — Elizabeth Horton-Newton

Electronic books are ideal for people who value the information contained in them, or who have vision problems, or who like to read on the subway, or who do not want other people to see how they are amusing themselves, or who have storage and clutter issues, but they are useless for people who are engaged in an intense, lifelong love affair with books… — Joe Queenan, One for the Books

If you drop a book into the toilet, you can fish it out, dry it off and read that book. But if you drop your Kindle in the toilet, you’re pretty well done. — Stephen King

You don’t see people getting pulled over by the police for reading ebooks on their smartphones. — Jason Merkoski

How do you press a wildflower into the pages of an e-book? — Lewis Buzbee, The Yellow-Lighted Bookshop: A Memoir, a History

23 More Quotes about Writing

Jan 27 2017

Here are 23 more quotes about writing, none of which have featured in my previous quote-dedicated blog posts. I hope these will amuse and inspire my fellow authors and readers.

It takes an awful lot of time to not write a book. — Douglas Adams

I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose. — Steven Wright

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke. — F. Scott Fitzgerald

You can fix anything but a blank page. — Nora Roberts

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. — Cyril Connolly

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter. — Blaise Pascal

The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. — Robert Cormier

The road to hell is paved with adverbs. — Stephen King

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. — Dr. Samuel Johnson

There’s not much to be said about the period except that most writers don’t reach it soon enough. — William Zinsser

No one is drawn to writing about being happy or feelings of joy. — Bret Easton Ellis

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.” — Mark Twain

A person who publishes a book appears willfully in the public eye with his pants down. — Edna St Vincent Millay

There is probably no hell for authors in the next world — they suffer so much from critics and publishers in this. — C. N. Bovee

If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor. — Edgar Rice Burroughs

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water. — Mark Twain

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. — Arthur Schopenhauer

I have no taste for either poverty or honest labor, so writing is the only recourse left for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

Don’t classify me, read me. I’m a writer, not a genre. — Carlos Fuentes

You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. — Jack London

A good book isn’t written, it’s rewritten. ― Phyllis A. Whitney

If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers. — Irvin S. Cobb

Easy reading is damn hard writing. — Nathaniel Hawthorne

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26 Quotes about Books, Reading and Writing

Jul 29 2016

I like quotes by famous authors so much that I Tweet one everyday, 365 days a year at @GuyPortman. Here are 26 memorable author quotes, many of which are humorous.

Never judge a book by its movie. – J.W. Eagan

Few things in life seem more sexy than a banned book. – Chuck Palahniuk

I have only ever read one book in my life, and that is White Fang. It’s so frightfully good I’ve never bothered to read another. – Nancy Mitford

This Is Not a Novel To Be Tossed Aside Lightly. It Should Be Thrown with Great Force. – Dorothy Parker

Pile of Books

The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. – Oscar Wilde

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. – Markus Herz

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. – Jerry Seinfield

I know many books which have bored their readers, but I know of none which has done real evil. – Voltaire

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one. – Robert Byrne

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read. – Mark Twain

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. – P. J. O’Rourke

Quill

The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. – Mark Twain

I was reading a book… ‘the history of glue’ – I couldn’t put it down. – Tim Vine

Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house. – Henry Ward Beecher

Books had instant replay long before televised sports. – Bern Williams

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes. – John LeCarre

If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking. – Haruki Murakami

Reading is a discount ticket to everywhere. – Mary Schmich

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright

‘Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read. – Mark Twain

So many books, so little time. – Frank Zappa

Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels? – Chuck Palahniuk

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. – Flannery O’Connor

To hold a pen is to be at war. – Voltaire

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

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13 Humorous Quotes About Writing

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20 Quotes About Writing

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15 Author Quotes about Ebooks

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26 Quotes about Books, Reading and Writing

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