Book Reviews | Guy Portman's Blog

12 Entertaining One Star Book Reviews

Dec 07 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to more amusing one star book reviews. I have previously devoted two posts to the subject. I found the following reviews entertaining, and I hope you will too.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This is a tough book to read unless you understand several languages and are on LSD.’

The Bible – ‘Author is erratic in his writing, the plot goes nowhere, the characters are clearly plagiarised from other books of its genre, it is gory and certainly not recommended for children.’

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë – ‘There’s only one word to sum up this ‘classic’ and that is BORING!’

The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald – ‘Classic garbage. Just because things are old or well-known, doesn’t mean they are worthwhile.’

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘… it was so tedious …’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘… utterly awful leaving a truley bitter taste in my mouth.’

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – ‘… it sucks balls and its hard to read there should be pictures and bigger writing …’

The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald – ‘Now at 70 yo I remember why I hate this crap for a book.’

Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson – ‘this book is a bad book, is very scary gives you nightmares …’

The Bible – ‘If you can stomach the genocide, infanticide, rape and killings then the Bible is for you. I will be sticking to Game of Thrones.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger – ‘I’d let Alex from A Clockwork Orange babysit my daughter before I’d spend a single minute with this over-hyped, chickenshit boy.’

1984 by George Orwell – ‘… my rabbit could have written a better book.’

6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

Sep 14 2018

I am an avid fan of dark fiction. Here are 5 dark fiction books that I have read and one that I have written.

Definition: Dark fiction is concerned with the sinister side of human nature. It is often distinguished from the mainstream horror genre in that it tends not to be fantasy-orientated. Dark fiction may contain elements of black or satirical humour.

Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock

About: Knockemstiff is a transgressive compilation of short stories. Their grubby setting, visceral prose and dark humour appealed to this reader.

My Review: These interlinked short stories are set in ‘The Holler’; an impoverished part of Knockemstiff, a real-life Ohioan backwater. ‘The Holler’s’ air is permanently imbued with the stench of …(more)

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

About: This dark, innovative blend of fantasy and mythology explores the tribalistic nature of America’s various beliefs.

My Review: Shadow is an inmate who whiles away his days practising coin tricks. When his wife dies in a car crash, he is released early on compassionate grounds. Shadow is …(more)

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

About: Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires and beliefs.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the …(more)

Marabao Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh

About: This is an inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness. It is peppered with stylistic idiosyncrasies.

My Review: Roy Strang narrates this story from the hospital in which he is lying in a coma. It begins in South Africa, where he and his friend Sandy Jamieson are hunting the …(more)

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

About: This cult classic contains candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics. Its prose is visceral and frequently frenetic.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s unreciprocated love for a …(more)

Tomorrow’s World by Guy Portman

About: Tomorrow’s World is a satirical book of vignettes about the future. Themes include the future of capitalism, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. This quick read (40,521 words/2.5 hours) will appeal to those who like dark humour. Amazon Link

12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

Sep 07 2018

Back in July, I dedicated a post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here is the second instalment.

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in many instances amsuing one star book reviews.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This book not only ruined a week at the beach but also damaged my self-esteem.’

East of Eden by John Steinbeck – ‘Recommended to me by someone I thought I could trust.’

The Lord of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien – ‘I couldn’t get past all the Hobbit gossip in the beginning.’

Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner – ‘Too many words. Just look at the title, it’s twice as long as it needs to be.’

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘I read the first 5 pages, which usually tells me if I will continue … that’s as far as I got.’

A House for Mr Biswas by V.S. Naipaul – ‘… much longer than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

The Road by Corman McCarthy – ‘If I wanted pompous discourse about the meaning of life, I’d read the New Yorker.’

The Railway Children by Edith Nesbit – ‘It drives me crazy how the railway station is so meaningful and important when it’s only visited, like, twice in the entire 188 pages. I went to the Brooklyn Public Library but people don’t call me ‘The Library Child.’

The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch – ‘If I have to read one more simile-laden description of the sea I shall scream.’

Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut – ‘… maybe the problem is me.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger – ‘And as for the ducks the protagonist is always asking about? They fly away because it’s winter, and they’re ducks. They’re migrating. It’s a bad symbol, and everyone in the book, including Holden, should understand migration. It’s no big secret.’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘If this book was a horse, I would shoot it!’

I hope you found these reviews entertaining. I will probably do a further instalment or two at some point. About me.

6 Recommended Humour Books

Aug 31 2018

This week’s post is devoted to six humour books – five that I have read and one that I have written. Click on the links to read the reviews.

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

The Metamorphosis is a bleak, existential nihilistic tale that comments on the human condition and the futility of life. This reader appreciated its dark humour.

My Review: Protagonist Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find that he has been transformed into a beetle. This awkward situation is exacerbated when Gregor’s boss turns up at his house seeking an explanation for his non-attendance at work …(more)

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

Damned is a a light-hearted satire of hell, punctuated with comical details, pop-culture references and Theological irony.

My Review: The protagonist is thirteen-year-old Madison, the daughter of wealthy alternative parents. The privileged Madison studies at an exclusive Swiss boarding school and spends her holidays alternating …(more)

Candide by Voltaire

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology of The Enlightenment.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds …(more)

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas is a humorous, ludicrous and on occasion repellent social commentary about the demise of the psychedelic, free loving dream of the sixties.

My Review: Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego, journalist Raoul Duke, and his gargantuan Samoan attorney, Dr Gonzo, are on a drug-fuelled road trip through the desert, destination Las Vegas …(more)

Sepultura (#2 Necropolis Trilogy) by Guy Portman

Sepultura is a satirical black comedy featuring unforgettable sociopath, Dyson Devereux. Click here to get #1 for FREE. (800+ Ratings for Necropolis Trilogy on Goodreads)

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down …(more)

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness by Craig Stone

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness is a bizarre and humorous novel about the author’s time spent living homeless in a park. Craig has to deal with a multitude of issues that are alien to us home dwellers.

My Review: The author Craig Stone is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the predictability and banality of his everyday existence. Deciding that it is better to live dreaming than to …(more)

7 Books For 7 Moods

Aug 17 2018

This week sees the latest instalment in my books for different moods series. Here are 7 books for 7 moods/different states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for some short stories? If so, you may like the Kafkaesque:

Rashōmon and Seventeen Other Stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa

A sense of doom and despair permeates this somewhat disparate assemblage whose cynicism, dark humour and tormented, fin-de-siécle tone appealed to this reader. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Mostly good

In the mood for something darkly humorous? If the answer is yes, you might appreciate:

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

This unpredictable serio-comedy’s motif is the absurdness of war. The book’s grave content is laced with humour of the dark variety. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good

In the mood for a classic?

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

Heart of Darkness is a thought-provoking, multi-layered story, about what can occur when man exists outside of civilisation’s constraints. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Challenging but rewarding

In the mood for a quick read?

Breakfast At Tiffany’s by Truman Capote

Breakfast At Tiffany’s is set in 1940s’ New York. This compelling and at times humorous tale’s themes include compassion and nostalgia. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Entertaining and atmospheric

In the mood for some real crime?

Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi

This detailed 660 page true crime classic is about the Manson murders and the lengthy trial that ensued. After reading this, you will feel that you have lived through the trial. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Interesting but hard work

In the mood for some dark fantasy? If so then you might enjoy:

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

This dark, innovative blend of fantasy and mythology explores the tribalistic nature of America’s various beliefs. Its tough and taciturn protagonist will appeal to many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Imaginative but meandering

In the mood for something plotless and poignant?

The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West

Published in 1939, The Day of the Locust is a short novel that is prescient in its prediction of the Hollywood-obsessed society of today. Click here to read my review.

7 Books For 7 Moods

Jul 27 2018

This week sees the return of my books for different moods series. If you are anything like me your choice of book often depends on your frame of mind. Here are 7 books for 7 different moods/states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for something morbid?

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

This non-fiction work explores the more unfamiliar scenarios involving our dead bodies. The author applies a light approach to explore a taboo subject matter. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Intriguing for the most part

Fed up with the joys of summer? If so, then I suggest:

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Whilst the morose subject matter (gulags) will not appeal to everyone, this reader is of the opinion that One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is one of the best books ever written. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Exceptional

In the mood for some satire? If the answer is yes, you might like:

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good but rambling

Are you after something darkly humorous and free?

Necropolis by Guy Portman

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed public sector. It is the first part of a trilogy. Click here to claim your free copy.

My Opinion: Is biased

Feel like reading something iconic and controversial:

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

This cult classic consists of an inter-related collection of six stories set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. Its candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics have been lauded by many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Memorable

Do you require something sleep-inducing? Perhaps you are finding it hard to get to sleep on these sultry summer nights. Well, I have a solution:

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater

Published in 1821, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater is widely regarded as being the forefather of addiction literature. Its prose is ornate and grandiloquent. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Turgid and extremely dull

In the mood for a Transgressive tome?

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction set in the 1980s. It is the prequel to Trainspotting The book’s main focus is its colourful characters increasing obsession with heroin. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Long but good

Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Jul 06 2018

Here are 12 scathing, and in most instances hilarious one star Amazon reviews.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – “… essentially the plot to ‘Jaws'” (June 1st, 2001)

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘An eruption of verbal flatulence.’ (August 30th, 1999)

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘It was utter garbage.’ (June 6th, 2017)

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy – ‘This is an awful book… there is nothing of credit to his writing. It is devoid of any depth. Don’t waste your brain, …’ (February 22nd, 2009)

The Witches by Roald Dahl – ‘This book is teaching children false information about witches. We don’t turn children into mouses and kill them. We are normal people!’ (February 17th, 2003)

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘This book was absolute inane drivel from the start …’ (December 29th, 2017)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages.’ (August 19th, 2004)

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon – ‘I forgot to take my LSD first. Save your dough. This is like Ulysses. A good argument for a good old fashioned book burning …’ (February 7th, 2014)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer – ‘Girl moves to rainy town. Girl is miserable. Girl gets stalked by freakish boy. Girl remains miserable. Girl cooks lots of crappy meals for dad and generally behaves like doormat. Girl miserable. Girl falls for freaky boy …’ (August 20th, 2012)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘Crappy ass book, dont undedstand a word of it do not recommend this book to anyone don’t judge me ik its a classic but it frickin sucks.’ (December 28th, 2017)

Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White – ‘How in the world does a pig and a spider become friends? It’s beyond me.’ (March 1st, 2015)

Hamlet by William Shakespeare – I thought this sure was boring! Hamlet does too much talking and not enough stuff.’ (October 22nd, 2001)

The 10 Books I’ve Read This Year

Jun 22 2018

As is my custom at the halfway point of the year, I am devoting this post to the books that I have read so far in 2018. Well, there is over a week to go until the halfway point, but anyway … Here are the ten books that I have read in 2018. They are presented in the order in which I read them. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Skaboys by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Skagboys is set in the 1980s against a backdrop of Thatcherism, the rise of dance of music and HIV.

My Review: Skagboys is the prequel to Trainspotting. Its colourful, mostly young characters hail from the Edinburgh port suburb of Leith. There is the bookish …(more)

My Opinion: Excellent

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

Genre: Dark Humour

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. The book’s grave content is laced with humour of the dark variety.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in …(more)

My Opinion: Good

The Carrot Man by Theo A. Gerken

Genre: Humour

This existential comedy is replete with jokes. Some are offensive, few are amusing.

My Review: The Carrot Man is a novelette about a manic Swede who is revolted by his new flatmate; an unhygienic, unindustrious, unsociable specimen whom …(more)

My Opinion: Poor

The Trumpassic Period by David Belisle

Genre: Humour?

This politics-meets-palaeontology work purports to be a satire, of the lampooning variety.

My Review: The Trumpassic Period is a rehash of President Trump’s first year in office, but with dinosaurs substituting for the controversial leader and his cohorts …(more)

My Opinion: Sleep-inducing drivel

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Last Exit to Brooklyn is a controversial and ground-breaking transgressive work.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s …(more)

My Opinion: Memorable

Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

Genre: Humour/Satire

Vile Bodies is a satirical novel whose primary purpose is satirising decadent 1920s London society.

My Review: Author Adam plans to marry his fiancé Nina Blount, but he does not have enough money to convince his disinterested, aristocratic beau to tie the knot. Every time Adam …(more)

My Opinion: Curious and somewhat dated

Hotel Scarface by Roben Farzad

Genre: Non Fiction

Named after iconic film Scarface, Hotel Scarface captures the zeitgeist of 1980s Miami.

My Review: This is an account of the rise and fall of Hotel Mutiny; a Coconut Grove, Miami-based hotel and club founded in the 1970s. It became the haunt of rising cocaine …(more)

My Opinion: Okay

The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall

Genre: General Fiction?

This analytical and abstract book’s motif is mental health. Its contents include drawings and computer code.

My Review:Eric Sanderson is suffering from a form of amnesia called fugue, at least according to his psychologist. Eric is aware that his girlfriend Cleo died whilst …(more)

My Opinion: Pretentious and onerous

Not Exactly Shakespeare by Martin Freznell

Genre: Humour

Not Exactly Shakespeare purports to be the shortest book you’ll ever be forced to pretend to have to read.

My Review: There is not much to like or loath about this meagre and mildly comical offering …(more)

My Opinion: Not enough content to form one

Marabou Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

An inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness.

My Review: Roy Strang narrates this story from the hospital in which he is lying in a coma. It begins in South Africa, where he and his friend Sandy Jamieson are …(more)

My Opinion: Bleak and quite good

About me and my darkly humorous writing.

5 Controversial Transgressive Novels

Apr 20 2018

I am an avid reader and writer of Transgressive Fiction, and the proud proprietor of the world’s largest resource for Transgressive Fiction (this website).

Because of the ‘deviant’ nature of their protagonists, Transgressive Fiction has often been viewed as controversial. Here are five works of Transgressive Fiction that have caused controversy. They are presented in chronological order. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller (1934)

Why Controversial: It was Tropic of Cancer‘s candid sexual content that led to it being banned from being imported into the United States after its publication in France in 1934. In 1964 the U.S. Supreme Court deemed it to be non-obscene in a landmark verdict.

My Review: Set in the late 1920s and early 30s, Tropic of Cancer is a semi-autobiographical first-person account of a young, struggling American writer living in Paris, and for a short period Le Havre. His is a seedy existence, characterised by a shortage of money …(more)

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov (1955)

Why Controversial: Citing the book’s controversial subject matter and perceived pornographic content, the UK Home Office confiscated all copies of the book in 1955. Lolita was banned in France the following year, but never in the US. It continues to cause controversy to this day.

My Review: The protagonist, Humbert Humbert, is an intellectual with an all-consuming craving for young girls, or nymphets as he refers to them. After his wife leaves him for another man, Humbert Humbert becomes a live-in tutor for the Hazes …(more)

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (1962)

Why Controversial: In 1973 a bookseller in Utah was arrested for selling A Clockwork Orange. The text has been banned in various High Schools and libraries down the years in the US. Much of the controversy surrounding the book is because of its violent film adaptation.

My Review: Alex is an eccentric 15-year-old delinquent with a penchant for classical music and drinking milk. He and his fellow ‘droogs’ assault, rob and rape with impunity, that is until a serious incident sees him arrested and incarcerated. Our anti-hero is anticipating …(more)

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr. (1964)

Why Controversial: This cult classic was lauded by many at the time of its publication and continues to be to this day. However, its candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics drew the ire of the authorities in the UK, where it was subjected to an obscenity trial. The book was banned in Italy.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s unreciprocated love for a hoodlum. The protagonist of another is a callous, heavy-drinking prostitute, hell-bent on …(more)

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (1991)

Why Controversial: Even before its publication American Psycho received damning criticism for its graphic violence and perceived misogynistic content. The book was banned in Canada and Queensland (Australia). In the rest of Australia and New Zealand its sale remains restricted to over eighteen’s.

My Review: American Psycho is a highly controversial novel that brought its author Bret Easton Ellis instant fame. The book is written from the perspective of a young Wall Street financier, Patrick Bateman. Patrick is intelligent, well-educated, wealthy and …(more)

About me.

6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

Mar 30 2018

I am an avid reader and writer of Dark Fiction. Here are six Dark Fiction reading recommendations for you, some of which are humorous, some of which are not. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Rashōmon and Seventeen Other Stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa

A sense of doom and despair permeates this somewhat disparate assemblage whose cynicism, dark humour and tormented, fin-de-siécle tone appealed to this reader.

My Review: The book, which is divided into four parts, begins with the sinister tale Rashōmon. Set during the Heian era (11th century) it sees a confrontation between an unemployed servant and an old woman, who is in the process of …(more)

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

Imbibed with a sense of impending doom, Rebecca is a slow-moving, haunting and atmospheric literary masterpiece, boasting an expertly woven plot and an abrupt ending.

My Review: Our young, unnamed narrator is working as an assistant for a rich American woman in Monte Carlo. It is here that she meets recently widowed, forty-two-year-old Maximilian (Maxim) de Winter. Maxim is the proprietor …(more)

POP.1280 by Jim Thompson

About: Pop.1280 is a first person work of noir fiction set in a sordid, rural Texas backwater. It is written in the author’s trademark stark, pulp prose style.

My Review: Sheriff Nick Corey’s problems are mounting. There are the troublesome pimps, the nagging wife and mistress, and the forthcoming election that could see him replaced as sheriff. Intent on avoiding conflict at all costs, the seemingly slow-witted …(more)

Novel with Cocaine by M. Ageyev

About: Novel with Cocaine is a nihilistic and philosophical novel about adolescence and addiction that could be described as Dostoyevskian.

My Review: Set in the years immediately before and after the Russian Revolution, Novel with Cocaine follows the life of Vadim, a Moscow adolescent and student. Vadim is prone to self-loathing and disdainful of others, none more so than his mother, whose …(more)

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction set for the most part in Scotland. Its main focus is many of its characters increasing obsession with heroin.

My Review: Skagboys is the prequel to Trainspotting. Its colourful, mostly young characters hail from the Edinburgh port suburb of Leith. There is the bookish, unambitious Mark ‘Rents’ Renton, and his best friend, the verbose, predatory womaniser Sick Boy …(more)

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. This unpredictable serio-comedy’s blend of tragedy and black humour appealed to this reader

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in colonial East Africa, where the British and their native conscripts are pitted against the …(more)

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12 Entertaining One Star Book Reviews

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6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

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12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

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6 Recommended Humour Books

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7 Books For 7 Moods

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7 Books For 7 Moods

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Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

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The 10 Books I’ve Read This Year

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5 Controversial Transgressive Novels

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6 Dark Fiction Reading Recommendations

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