Dark Humour | Guy Portman's Blog

My Blogging Reflections

Apr 13 2018

I have been doing this blog for over six years now. My first post on the 12th March 2012 was about my trip to Miami, a city which is everything I am not – sunny, loud, brash, beach-orientated. The post was followed four days later with another, dedicated to my first ever trip to Taco Bell. A Fort Lauderdale, Florida Taco Bell to be precise. Back at home in London, England I continued blogging on a weekly basis, every Friday afternoon. And I have been doing so ever since. Nowadays I live in the quintessential English countryside in West Sussex, but one thing hasn’t changed, I am still blogging every Friday, at 16:03. Somebody said to me the other day – ‘Why? Why do you blog?’

‘I am a creature of habit.’

‘But surely you have better ways to spend your time?’

‘No, I don’t.’

Initially the plan was to blog in order to promote my books (4 to date, a 5th on the way). But you can only promote your own books so much, and at any rate the link between blogging and book sales is I believe tenuous at best for the vast majority of authors, this one included. Most of my posts are dedicated to other authors’ books and book facts, with occasional travel-related posts, including several cemetery tours at home and abroad. I like cemeteries. They feature heavily in two of my books.

Here is a summary of what I have penned since I begun this blog (not including shopping lists etc.)

Four novels:

Charles Middleworth – An insightful story of the unexpected

Symbiosis – Explores our enduring fascination with twins

Necropolis – What is a sociopath to do?

Sepultura – A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long

When I started out I knew I wanted to write, but was not sure what. Dark humour is now my genre of choice. Necropolis and its recently-released sequel Sepultura fit best into this category. Necropolis now has 69 ratings and reviews on Goodreads. I will be releasing a fifth book later this year. Further information to be released in due course.

In addition to my books and a weekly blog post, I have penned 126 book reviews, all of which can be found in the book review section of this blog. There are many genres to be found there, non Fiction as well as Fiction. There is a particular focus on dark fiction, much of it humorous. The quality of my book reviews range from good to bad to ugly. However, I believe they have improved exponentially with the passage of time. I have after all had a fair bit of practice. If you haven’t already check them out. Maybe you will find a book/s you want to read.

And if you like dark humour/Transgressive Fiction you might consider adding one of mine to your TBR list. Here is a link to my Goodreads author page. If you’ve read and liked Necropolis or Sepultura, it would be much appreciated if you could spare a second to ‘vote’ for them on one of these Goodreads listopia lists:

Literary Dark Humour

Best Transgressive Fiction

Funny Irreverent Novels

As for me I will keep blogging every Friday afternoon at 16:03.

And one last thing, I will be announcing the winners of my prize draw on Sunday (15th April).

New Curtains and Blinds

May 30 2014

Tuesday Morning – The new curtains and blinds finally arrive. It seems an eternity ago that I ordered them, probably because it was. An hour or so later curtains and blinds have been erected downstairs. They look great, well worth the wait.

The fitter is putting the finishing touches to the Roman Blind when I walk into the upstairs room that serves as my study. I like it. He explains that it is the legal requirement that the string pulley system be at least 150cm from the ground. This is to prevent youngsters becoming entangled and potentially strangled by the string. He demonstrates the height with a measuring tape, then hands me a form to sign. The form states something to the effect that the fitting is in keeping with European standards for blind and shutter safety regulation EN13120:2009+A1:2014.

I shake my head glumly and say, ‘Perhaps I should have told you this earlier. My doctor has exempted me from all EN13120:2009 blind and shutter regulations.’

‘You have a what?’ replies the man in a surprised tone.

‘An exemption. You see a pulley system with fittings in excess of 120cm in height poses a potential threat to my wellbeing. I’m an asphyxiation fetishist you see.’

‘Excuse me.’

‘An asphyxiation fetishist.’

‘What’re those?’

‘Asphyxiation fetishists, or gaspers as they are commonly referred to in the trade, are people who get sexual gratification from the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain.’ My gaze never leaves his face as I say this, and there is not even the faintest flicker of a smile.

‘No, I err don’t know anything about that’, replies the courteous, professional, if rather timorous man.

I stride up to the blind and wrap the string around my neck. Now I’m smiling.

‘Don’t do that,’ he replies holding his arms out.

‘I’ll have to phone the shop,’ he says. ‘Do you have a doctor’s certificate? The shop might need a copy for their files.’

‘Don’t worry I’ll sign it, but be warned, if it results in misadventure this will be landing on your doorstep.’

Having signed the form I hand it back to him, thinking that perhaps I should tell him that I’m joking, as I’m feeling increasingly embarrassed. However it is evidently far, far too late for that. After refusing the offer of a cup of tea he completed the erection of the blind in the final room in less than half the time it took him to do any of the others. Then he was packing up his tools at a frenetic pace and heading out the door. I was surprised that he never questioned my preposterous and irrational lie. After all would a lower pulley system really prevent a gasper’s activities, and at any rate wouldn’t they consider ordering curtains instead. I put it down to the fact that when we are in a state of shock we often don’t think rationally, and simply go into panic mode.

The curtains and blinds look fantastic.

Necropolis Launch

Apr 24 2014

I am pleased to announce that Necropolis is now available from all regional Amazons in paperback and Kindle. Necropolis is a humorous work of dark fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council.

Crime Fiction Lover (Britain’s largest and most prestigious crime Fiction review site) has awarded Necropolis 5 out of 5 stars. Click here to read the review (warning: contains some spoilers).

If you haven’t seen it already this is the blurb for Necropolis:

Dyson Devereux works in the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Dyson is intelligent, incisive and informed. He is also a sociopath. Dyson’s contempt for the bureaucracy and banality of his workplace provides ample refuge for his mordant wit. But the prevalence of Essex Cherubs adorning the headstones of Newton New Cemetery is starting to get on his nerves.

When an opportunity presents itself will Dyson seize his chance and find freedom, or is his destiny to be a life of toil in Burials and Cemeteries?

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed world in which we live.

‘Not only a funny, twisted, erudite satire on the psychopath genre, this novel also boasts a compelling plot and finely sculpted characters’

‘A black comedy of true distinction’

‘I was at once fascinated and disturbed by the devious Dyson Devereux with his malicious pedantry, wicked schemes and grotesque good taste. A barbed joy’

Amazon.co.uk – Paperback: £6.99 Kindle: £2.22

Amazon.com – Paperback: $10.52 Kindle: $3.73

I would like to take this opportunity to thank author, writing professional and friend Diane Mannion (@Dydywriter) for her expertise, encouragement and support. And thank you Adam (@Alayerdim) for all the erudite book reviews you have contributed to this blog, and for your assistance with my two books.

Necropolis Countdown

Apr 18 2014

There is only one ~~week~~ Day to go until the release of Necropolis ~~(Release Day: Thursday, April 24th)~~. Necropolis is a humorous work of dark Fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council.

The following is an extract from Necropolis:

Monday 10:15 a.m. – Newton Community and Business Facility

So here I am at the quarterly cemeteries and funeral business professionals meeting. It is attended by the majority of those employed in the death business in Newton and the adjoining boroughs, both public and private sector – the good, the bad and the ugly. Other than our chosen profession there is something else that everyone in here has in common at this given time. That something is boredom, rapidly descending into apathy. To my left a Lithuanian gravedigger idly picks his nose. To my right a mortician plays Sonic on his iPhone. Next to him a bereavement councillor’s afro-styled head lulls to one side. In the row in front a morgue rat, his head resting against his shoulder, snores loudly, a stream of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth. A fellow morgue rat in the adjoining seat glances at the watch on his wrist and then utters an obscenity in some Eastern European language, an action he repeats every minute or so. That heavy set figure a few rows ahead, with spiky hair bent forward reading a book; that is Rebecca, the overseer of Boden.

At the front of the hall a thin, female, local Conservative councillor wearing glasses is giving a presentation about ‘team’, ‘teamwork’ and the Government’s plans to transfer power from Whitehall to local communities…

This is the blurb for Necropolis ~~(Release Date: April 24th)~~:

When an opportunity presents itself will Dyson seize his chance and find freedom, or is his destiny to be a life of toil in Burials and Cemeteries?

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed world in which we live.

‘Not only a funny, twisted, erudite satire on the psychopath genre, this novel also boasts a compelling plot and finely sculpted characters’

‘A black comedy of true distinction’

‘I was at once fascinated and disturbed by the devious Dyson Devereux with his malicious pedantry, wicked schemes and grotesque good taste. A barbed joy’

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My Blogging Reflections

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Necropolis Launch

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