Tag - humorous quotes

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20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes III
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20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes

20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes III

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my Literature’s Funniest Quotes series. Here are 20 humorous quotes from literature.

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle. — The Man Upstairs and Other Stories by P.G. Wodehouse

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce 

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America. — When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris 

Colin is a professional gamer, who also mourns part-time to help with the bills. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. — The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor by Flannery O’Connor

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, “So, you’re back from Moscow, eh? — Mike and Psmith by P.G. Wodehouse

I don’t know how other men feel about their wives walking out on them, but I helped mine pack. — Breaking Up by Bill Manville

Every summer Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu. — Waiting by Ha Jin

‘How do you know about Megadeth anyway Percy?’
‘My daughter Beatrice listens to them,’ says Percy, his voice now taking a sombre tone. ‘She only wears black now and she’s umm well, she’s threatening to become a vampire.’ — Charles Middleworth by Guy Portman

When you have to kill the same terrorist twice in one week, then there’s either something wrong with your skills or something wrong with your world. And there’s nothing wrong with my skills. — Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry

It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful. — Matilda by Roald Dahl

A story with a moral appended is like the bill of a mosquito. It bores you, and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience. —  Strictly Business by O. Henry

From politics, it was an easy step to silence. — Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.  The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson by Mark Twain

It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. —  Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome

Alice, not his real name, works in the mailroom. I call him Alice because he looks just like the ageing rocker, Alice Cooper. Like the real Alice he sports a mane of black hair and wizened, heavily lined features, but for record sales read envelopes. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

Success in this world depends on knowing exactly how little effort each job is worth…distribution of energy… — Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh 

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. — The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams 

If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy 

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them. — While Rome Burns by Dorothy Parker

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20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes

Previously on this blog I have dedicated posts to quotes about reading, writing and publishing. This week it is the turn of quotes from literature. Here are 20 quotes from books that I think are amusing, and I hope you will too.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness — The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde

Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind — Eric by Terry Pratchett

He receives comfort like cold porridge — The Tempest by William Shakespeare

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness — Letters from a Stoic by Seneca

…answers Molly, gleefully yet wholly inadequately; her skills more akin to the baking of macaroons than solving the complexities of the universe. — Charles Middleworth by Guy Portman

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams 

‘There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?’
‘The mood will pass, sir.’ — The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse 

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce 

It’s just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking. — When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris 

Nick Naylor had been called many things since becoming the chief spokesman for the Academy of Tobacco Studies, but until now no one had actually compared him to Satan. — Thank You For Smoking by Christopher Buckley

As a boy, I wanted to be a train. — Machine Man by Max Barry

I write this sitting in the kitchen sink. — I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. – The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse

One press of a button and this degenerate goes to the cremator to the sound of Celine Dion’s dismal wails — Necropolis by Guy Portman 

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression ‘As pretty as an airport. — The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul by Douglas Adams

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think. — The Collected Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker

The trouble with modern education is you never know how ignorant people are. — Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh 

Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce 

‘Matteo’s not that type of Italian,’ replies Fraser. ‘He’s more the sort you come across in southern cities like Bari and Pescara, dragging an Alsatian around by a tattered piece of string.’ — Necropolis by Guy Portman

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams  

 

 

 

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