One star book reviews | Guy Portman's Blog

12 Entertaining One Star Book Reviews

Dec 07 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to more amusing one star book reviews. I have previously devoted two posts to the subject. I found the following reviews entertaining, and I hope you will too.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This is a tough book to read unless you understand several languages and are on LSD.’

The Bible – ‘Author is erratic in his writing, the plot goes nowhere, the characters are clearly plagiarised from other books of its genre, it is gory and certainly not recommended for children.’

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë – ‘There’s only one word to sum up this ‘classic’ and that is BORING!’

The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald – ‘Classic garbage. Just because things are old or well-known, doesn’t mean they are worthwhile.’

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘… it was so tedious …’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘… utterly awful leaving a truley bitter taste in my mouth.’

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – ‘… it sucks balls and its hard to read there should be pictures and bigger writing …’

The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald – ‘Now at 70 yo I remember why I hate this crap for a book.’

Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson – ‘this book is a bad book, is very scary gives you nightmares …’

The Bible – ‘If you can stomach the genocide, infanticide, rape and killings then the Bible is for you. I will be sticking to Game of Thrones.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger – ‘I’d let Alex from A Clockwork Orange babysit my daughter before I’d spend a single minute with this over-hyped, chickenshit boy.’

1984 by George Orwell – ‘… my rabbit could have written a better book.’

12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

Sep 07 2018

Back in July, I dedicated a post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here is the second instalment.

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in many instances amsuing one star book reviews.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This book not only ruined a week at the beach but also damaged my self-esteem.’

East of Eden by John Steinbeck – ‘Recommended to me by someone I thought I could trust.’

The Lord of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien – ‘I couldn’t get past all the Hobbit gossip in the beginning.’

Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner – ‘Too many words. Just look at the title, it’s twice as long as it needs to be.’

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘I read the first 5 pages, which usually tells me if I will continue … that’s as far as I got.’

A House for Mr Biswas by V.S. Naipaul – ‘… much longer than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

The Road by Corman McCarthy – ‘If I wanted pompous discourse about the meaning of life, I’d read the New Yorker.’

The Railway Children by Edith Nesbit – ‘It drives me crazy how the railway station is so meaningful and important when it’s only visited, like, twice in the entire 188 pages. I went to the Brooklyn Public Library but people don’t call me ‘The Library Child.’

The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch – ‘If I have to read one more simile-laden description of the sea I shall scream.’

Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut – ‘… maybe the problem is me.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger – ‘And as for the ducks the protagonist is always asking about? They fly away because it’s winter, and they’re ducks. They’re migrating. It’s a bad symbol, and everyone in the book, including Holden, should understand migration. It’s no big secret.’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘If this book was a horse, I would shoot it!’

I hope you found these reviews entertaining. I will probably do a further instalment or two at some point. About me.

Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Jul 06 2018

Here are 12 scathing, and in most instances hilarious one star Amazon reviews.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – “… essentially the plot to ‘Jaws'” (June 1st, 2001)

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘An eruption of verbal flatulence.’ (August 30th, 1999)

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘It was utter garbage.’ (June 6th, 2017)

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy – ‘This is an awful book… there is nothing of credit to his writing. It is devoid of any depth. Don’t waste your brain, …’ (February 22nd, 2009)

The Witches by Roald Dahl – ‘This book is teaching children false information about witches. We don’t turn children into mouses and kill them. We are normal people!’ (February 17th, 2003)

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘This book was absolute inane drivel from the start …’ (December 29th, 2017)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages.’ (August 19th, 2004)

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon – ‘I forgot to take my LSD first. Save your dough. This is like Ulysses. A good argument for a good old fashioned book burning …’ (February 7th, 2014)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer – ‘Girl moves to rainy town. Girl is miserable. Girl gets stalked by freakish boy. Girl remains miserable. Girl cooks lots of crappy meals for dad and generally behaves like doormat. Girl miserable. Girl falls for freaky boy …’ (August 20th, 2012)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘Crappy ass book, dont undedstand a word of it do not recommend this book to anyone don’t judge me ik its a classic but it frickin sucks.’ (December 28th, 2017)

Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White – ‘How in the world does a pig and a spider become friends? It’s beyond me.’ (March 1st, 2015)

Hamlet by William Shakespeare – I thought this sure was boring! Hamlet does too much talking and not enough stuff.’ (October 22nd, 2001)