Random stuff | Guy Portman's Blog

Football, Food & Fauna

Jul 09 2021

The big news this week is that England have reached their first football final since 1966. It has been a somewhat fortuitous journey. Ukraine in the quarters and Denmark in the semis is a pretty easy draw all things considered.

On Sunday, they face the Azzurri in the European Championship Final. I have been thoroughly enjoying the games. At the beginning of the tournament I had a punt on Italy, so even if disaster strikes the cloud will have a silver lining, albeit a meagre one.

In other news, I made this omelette. It took me ninety seven attempts to reach perfection. With the depth of knowledge and experience at my disposal, I feel confident that I will be able to repeat the feat several more times over my lifetime.

Got this ice cream by the sea last weekend. This seaside staple used to be called ’99 Flake’ back in the day. These days they go by the name ‘Mr Whippy’. We can thank Americanisation for that.

Well, that’s the exciting news out of the way.

Here are two pictures of deer taken this week.

Right, time to get some of the grass cut before it starts raining again.

Torrential Rain & Back From The Brink

Jun 18 2021

Last Friday for the first time in nearly a decade, I didn’t post an update on my blog. You must have been thinking I kicked the bucket, was put behind bars, or removed by the men in white coats. This is not the case.

What happened was, last Thursday when I tried to access my website, it didn’t exist. In a state of panic, I logged in to HostGator. My account had been suspended because I hadn’t paid. The reason I hadn’t was because I was under the impression guyportman.com had migrated to AWS. I was mistaken. There had been some miscommunication which had led me to making a potentially ruinous assumption.

A decade’s worth of blog posts and nearly 150 books reviews disappearing into the void was too much to bear. I was searching for the key to my shotgun cabinet when HostGator got back to me to say that my account was only suspended, and that I could get it restored for a fee.

It proved pretty complicated getting my website moved back over to guyportman.com. It took thirty-six hours and the help of a friend who updated the code, as well as Sunil from HostGator to get it up and running again. While I waited nervously for the site to be resurrected, I found solace in nature.

And eating.

Anyway, the site is back now. In other news, I got 140+ tonnes of soil dumped at the bottom of my garden. It was going spare. The soil has now been spread around. With any luck it will become a nice lawn in time.

It has been bucketing down the last twenty-four hours. Good thing I got the grass seed down in time.

Have a good weekend.

Nature, Nourishment, Naps & News.

Jun 04 2021

Let’s start off with the nature. I’m not really a flower person, but here are some from my garden. Hydrangeas, I think.

Not even an Iroquois tracker could get this close.

A slow worm.

My cock pheasant has found a female friend. There are no sour grapes on my part. Well, maybe a little.

The weather’s been hot and sunny of late.

Red isn’t my favourite colour, honestly.

I mentioned ‘Nourishment’ in the title. Not sure a kebab is really nourishment, but anyway here it is.

Dessert.

Trigga having a nap.

Another day, another nap.

Now for the ‘News’. Brace yourselves; I’ve got a new chair.

It has lumbar support, a headrest (albeit one designed for pygmies) & armrests.

The news doesn’t end there. Mangetout is free on Amazon for today and tomorrow only. Please download a copy if you haven’t already.

Links: Amazon US & Amazon UK

Titbits, Tissues & Turmoil.

Jan 08 2021

We are in Lockdown yet again here in the UK, and it looks like it’s going to be the state of play for quite some time yet. As for me, I’ve adapted to it. I’m nothing if not versatile. Living in the countryside does make it easier in my opinion.

Something was interesting Trigga out there. He was stationed by the window for ages. Likely it was a squirrel, pigeon or pheasant.

The first kebab of 2021.

Anyone else a fan of baklava?

I’ve been doing some healthy eating too, in an effort to shift the layer of Xmas cake and baklava-induced fat from the waistline.

Here’s a tuna and egg salad I prepared earlier.

I went a little overboard with the broccoli one day and had to enlist some help to eat it.

The riot on Capital Hill was extraordinary. I wonder what Abraham Lincoln would have thought of it. In the future it could be viewed as an iconic moment in the demise of democracy.

I went to the supermarket the other day and it was the usual story. No Original Kleenex. It seems the stuff is becoming as rare as Amur Leopards. There’s alway loads of Balsam and Soft Kleenex, but no one wants it hence why there’s loads of it on the shelves I guess. Personally, I’d rather have no Kleenex than the balsam variety.

There’s been a cold snap here and I have been enjoying having fires in the evenings.

Have a good weekend.

The Summerhouse, The Gazebo & A One Day Heatwave.

Jul 31 2020

Recently, I have been feeling less like a writer and more like a labourer slash handyman, albeit one with dire DIY skills. It seemed that no sooner had I finished removing and burning a leylandii hedge than it was time to varnish the summerhouse. It took my friend and I twenty-two hours to put two coats on the exterior and one inside. There are just so many multiple-sided bits jutting out all over it, and the windows took an eternity to do.

Once the electricity is sorted, I will start using it as my office. That is the summerhouse dealt with, now for The Gazebo. The front cover is currently being designed and I look forward to unveiling it soon. The Gazebo consists of two darkly humorous stories. It is my seventh book.

The below is me posing with a honeysuckle, which is going to make a tree stump outside my front door more ascetically pleasing. That is the plan anyway.

It had been several decades since I saw a snake here in the UK. I stumbled across this grass snake on a walk the other day.

There is a one-day heatwave taking place today in much of the country. It feels like Chad out there. The temperature is currently 34C (93.2F). My dog has been seeking shade, as have I.

Hope you are all enjoying the hot weather, if you have hot weather that is. Have a great weekend.

A Gazebo, A Summerhouse & Black Comedy

Jul 10 2020

This week I’ve been working on my new book – The Gazebo. Here are some details:

Two men’s lives are about to implode. Can they save themselves before it’s too late?

The Gazebo: A husband’s peculiar lust is out of control. If his wife finds out, there’ll be hell to pay – and she is on to him. Calamity looms in this warped tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

The Curse: They warned him to steer clear of the Transylvanian temptress, but entrepreneur Theo couldn’t resist her charms. Now he’s up to his neck in trouble.

The Gazebo will be released late summer.

That is not a gazebo, it’s a summerhouse that has just been erected in my garden. It is going to be my office. There is still a fair bit of work to do – roof covering, insulation, electrics, patio and varnishing. Hopefully, it will be up and running in a month or so. I picked it up discounted due to the Covid-19 crisis. It’s proven to be an absolute nightmare for the builders as a lot of the pieces did not come cut to size.

Here’s my dog Trigga having a snooze on his favourite chair. It’s strange because there’s a big sofa next to it, but he prefers being cramped in his familiar chair.

I have been eating a fair bit of watermelon of late. No, that’s not my bowl. As I can’t get through half a watermelon on my own, I need help.

What with Lockdown relaxing, I imagine some of you are getting out and about a bit more. Last weekend I visited family for the first time in ages. This beef bourguignon was Sunday lunch.

Have a good weekend.

Humorous Fiction and A New Toy

Jul 03 2020

You know when you have no luck with something. It could be anything – but in my case it’s brush cutters amongst other things. I started off with the cheapest I could find. It weighed the same as an Atlas stone from World’s Strongest Man, and the engine overheated and switched itself off every two minutes. I then bought a Kawasaki which was pretty good until it wasn’t. As repairing it was proving to be a big undertaking, I upgraded this week to the Ferrari of brush cutters – a Stihl FS70. It cost an arm and a leg, but I am hoping it will be just what the doctor ordered. I will be taking it out for a test run soon.

Here’s my dog posing with his new tennis ball in my mown, but not brush cut garden.

I just got him this 2kg bag of charcoal dog biscuits from Amazon. What did we do before Amazon came on the scene? Surely life was less convenient. They might come in for a lot of criticism, but I for one am somewhat dependent on them.

My seventh book is currently being proofread. The Gazebo is a darkly humorous quick read, consisting of two stories.

Story One: Lust threatens to go horribly wrong in a tale featuring an unusual fetish and a gazebo.

Story Two: When an entrepreneur falls for a temptress, his life rapidly spirals out of control.

A lot of people have been getting a fair bit of reading done over Lockdown. I’ve done some, but not as much as many from the sound of things. Of late, my book choices have been somewhat eclectic. But I’m going to stick with my genre, humorous fiction, for a while. My next two reads will be:

Have a good weekend.

Black Comedies, Book Reviews & More Besides

Dec 13 2019

It’s been nearly a week and a half since Golgotha, the final instalment in The Necropolis Trilogy, was unleashed on the world. The reviews have been impressive. Sales have not. But, on a positive note the release appears to have generated some interest in the first instalment in the darkly humorous trilogy – Necropolis. Early next year, I am planning to bring out a box set. There are already 10 glowing testimonials for Golgotha on Goodreads. Click here to read them.

On another subject, how’s your Christmas shopping going? It is said there are two types of people in this world – those who buy their Xmas presents early, and those who do it last minute. I fall into the former category. Before you say anything, this Pokemon duvet cover set isn’t for me, it’s for a young relative.

I have one more book to read in order to complete my modest Goodreads 2019 challenge of twenty books. This is it.

This weekend I’ll be catching up with my book reviews. It’s a real labour of love writing them, as it is a time-consuming business. However, I am of the firm belief that forcing myself to write succinct book reviews has improved my writing in general.

It hasn’t all been hard work. Here is a Five Guys I had earlier this week.

The below is called breakfast hash. Highly recommended, and a pleasant change from the standard English Breakfast.

I haven’t been the only one spoiling myself.

Have a good weekend.

Fun, Furnishings & Frippery

Oct 25 2019

It’s Friday again. They seem to come around real quick. As for the ‘Friday Feeling’, it’s conspicuous by its absence here. Not that I’m complaining; I’ve had my fun for the week. While far from exhilarating, it was fun all the same. The fun:

1). The burger on Tuesday lunchtime.

2). A glimpse of sunshine in what has been an otherwise desolate stretch of weather for us UK inhabitants.

3). A conversation with an attractive female which might lead to more. ‘Illusion is the first of all pleasures’ – Oscar Wilde

We all indulge in labours of love, right? Well us writers certainly do; or the vast majority at least. One of my labours of love is writing reviews of every book I read. It’s a time-consuming process, but one I insist upon. I am currently behind on my reviews. Once the England vs All Blacks Rugby World Cup Semi Final ends tomorrow, I will start catching up on them. I have four to do. Here they are:

Moving on … I have been living without curtains for over two years. In their place, I have used drapes and/or towels cellotaped to the walls. This week my curtains finally arrived. Want to see them …? Probably not, but I’m going to show you anyway. Open …

Closed …

So, that’s the Furnishings part of this blog post’s title out of the way. As for the Frippery; they’re the ornate brass balls at the ends of the curtain rail. Have a good weekend.

Tag - Random stuff

Football, Food & Fauna

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Torrential Rain & Back From The Brink

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Nature, Nourishment, Naps & News.

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Titbits, Tissues & Turmoil.

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The Summerhouse, The Gazebo & A One Day Heatwave.

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A Gazebo, A Summerhouse & Black Comedy

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Humorous Fiction and A New Toy

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Black Comedies, Book Reviews & More Besides

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Fun, Furnishings & Frippery

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