Satire | Guy Portman's Blog

Mangetout Blurb Reveal

Feb 12 2021

Today, I am pleased to unveil the updated blurb for Mangetout (Release date: March 11th).

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

Kitchenhand Deron thinks he’s hit the jackpot when a routine delivery of vegetables turns out to be contraband. The problem is it belongs to somebody else. And they want it back.

Financier Hamish has got involved in the arms trade and business is good. However, he’s unwittingly made a formidable foe. One who will stop at nothing for revenge.

Ken’s fed up with the nine-to-five. An illegal venture with girlfriend Laura brings the job satisfaction he craves, but also attention from organised crime. This could all go horribly wrong.

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

‘Dangerously droll crime capers’ – Adam Riley, Comedian

Mangetout is my eighth book. I am currently hard at work on a ninth. Have a good weekend.

My Goodreads Author Page Link

Mangetout Cover Reveal & A New Blurb.

Feb 05 2021

I’ve written a new book. Mangetout will be unleashed on the world on March 11th. It is a crime caper of sorts. Mangetout will appeal to fans of crime fiction and dark humour.

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

Hope you like it as much as I do. Red seems to fit the genre. After all red equals danger. Mangetout has the same format and virtually the same word count as my last effort, The Gazebo. It consists of three dark, acerbic tales that explore crime and class.

The plan was to share the blurb too today. I unveiled it to my mailing list subscribers last week. Unfortunately, I have since been presented with some data that suggests it will not convert well. I am currently rewriting it. If only I’d tested it prior to the designer designing the book’s back matter. I should know better by now. That’s the thing about experience – it only teaches the teachable.

I have however penned a new blurb for one of my other books – Tomorrow’s World. Some of my titles are wide, but Tomorrow’s World is an Amazon exclusive work. It’s ticking along in the Kindle Library, but I don’t feel it’s converting as well as it could.

If the new blurb works, great. If it needs some further polishing that option’s always open. Anyway, here it is:

Escape to the future with this hilarious and thought-provoking read.

Englishman Terrence has had enough of accountancy. After all, it’s been his job for over six decades. He’d bow out if the government didn’t keep increasing the mandatory retirement age. At this rate, Terrence will be working until doomsday.

American plutocrat Walter has harnessed the power of age-defying medication and enjoys the life of a conceited centenarian. But many are fed up with his kind. If the situation doesn’t change fast, there could be a revolution.

With its dark humour and gripping narrative, Tomorrow’s World paints a vivid picture of a future that’s a little too close for comfort.

‘Takes our current foibles and obsessions to their logical, gruesome and absurd conclusions’ – Adam Riley, Comedian

I could include the old blurb for comparison, but this post would be pretty long if I did that, so I’m not going to. If you want to see it get over to Amazon. You better hurry though because it’s poised to swap over any minute now. Have a good weekend.

Tomorrow’s World Amazon Link

Sweets, Sport, Scenery & Submission.

Jan 15 2021

When it comes to cake, I tend to stick to chocolate. But variety is the spice of life, so they say. The other day, I had a sponge cake for a change. It was a birthday cake – not mine. It was rich and delicious.

Last Sunday, I indulged in some FA Cup in the bath. Tottenham Hotspur vs Marine. Very much a case of David vs Goliath. It wasn’t particularly entertaining.

I really appreciate being able to get outside during Lockdown.

My dog’s always been a fan of this spot. Last time I clambered up here, I fell off. The moss is pretty slippery when it’s wet. I won’t be trying it again anytime soon.

Green tea – one of life’s little pleasures. Rarely go a day without drinking the stuff.

A new author for a new year. This is the first book I’ve read by arrogant Frenchman and Islamophobe Houellebecq. Quite enjoying it so far.

Have a good weekend.

Food, Feasting, Fire & Free Fiction.

Nov 20 2020

We are in the midst of Lockdown #2 here in the UK and fun is in short supply. It’s wet, miserable and gets dark really early. Fortunately, there is still pleasure to be found. It had been a long time since I had scampi and chips.

Here is a Tesco-originating, Italian-themed antipasto I assembled earlier.

News of the birdfeeder has spread like wildfire. There are often multiple tits on the feeder at any given time with more waiting in the wings.

I’ll probably only fill it once a week. Otherwise it is going to become a financial burden.

After weeks of mild weather, there has been a cold spell. It was 1°C this morning.

The first fire of the season.

Presently, there is a KDP free day promotion running for my satirical offering – Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future. It is the only one of my books exclusive to Amazon. The five day campaign ends tomorrow (Saturday).

1,302 Amazon users downloaded Tomorrow’s World yesterday and it reached #37 Free in Kindle Store in Canada this lunchtime. Whether any of this means anything, only time will tell. Regardless, I am pleased that the book appeals enough for people to download despite the fact that it hasn’t got many reviews. Now I need them to read it.

Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon CA, Amazon AU

Have a good weekend.

Topiary, Tidbits & A Treasure Trove

Oct 30 2020

Let’s start with the topiary. This bonsaiesque tree resides outside my front door. It has been looking magnificent this autumn.

The rain has been incessant of late and the garden is saturated. This photo was taken during a brief respite.

Yesterday I got really close to deer. If they knew how much I liked venison, they would probably keep their distance.

The dog isn’t allowed to chase them, much to his chagrin. Here he is enjoying a siesta.

The French might be hapless when it comes to cultural harmony, but when it comes to food … Anyone else like croissants?

Now for the treasure trove. The ‘Scary Fun Books’ bonanza ends tomorrow (Sat 31st). You’ll find one of mine here at the discounted price of 99p/99c.

Scary Fun Books Link

Have a good weekend.

5 Satires Worth Reading

Oct 09 2020

It’s back to books this week. Here are five satires worth reading. They are presented in chronological order. Click on the links to read my reviews

Candide by Voltaire (1759)

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology of The Enlightenment.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of …(more)

Subjects Satirised: The Church & The Enlightenment.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (1953)

This satirical book’s motif is a warning about the threat posed by state censorship.

My Review: Books are banned in this dystopian world, where firemen are employed to burn them. Guy Montag is a fireman, who lives an unfulfilling existence with Mildred, his sedentary, parlour-consuming …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Social Problems.

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (1991)

American Psycho is a satire of the yuppies culture of the 1980s. It has become a cult classic.

My Review: American Psycho is a highly controversial novel that brought its young author Bret Easton Ellis instant fame. The book is written from the perspective of a young Wall Street financier, Patrick Bateman …(more)

Subjects Satirised: 1980s yuppies culture.

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (2001)

Choke is in essence a social commentary about our innate craving for attention and the fundamental nature of addiction.

My Review: The protagonist, Victor Mancini, is a sex addict employed at an eighteenth-century historical re-enactment park. Victor attends various sexual addiction support groups, where he …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Sex addition & dependence.

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

This is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is …(more)

Subjects Satirised: Campus life & society.

Lockdown Reading & Revelations

May 29 2020

Lockdown is starting to wind down here in the UK, it seems. As for me, I will be remaining in self-isolation. If there’s another way to live, I am not familiar with it. Besides, it has its perks, including reduced car fuel costs.

Not much of note has happened this week. On Monday, I found this nine quid box of Corona in the supermarket. It remains unopened, but that is poised to change.

You know when you have your schedule laid out for the day, only for a spanner to be thrown in the works? In this instance, it was discovering the hoover wasn’t performing its one function. It took ages to disassemble it, find the blockage and remove it. Mr Dyson’s hoover innovation infatuation doesn’t extend to inventing a non-blockable model, it appears. Dyson’s revolutionary wheel ball is all good and well, but I’d swap it for a blockage-free hoover any day of the week.

Someone was in for a treat. A dry pellet, broccoli, tomato and cheese feast. It could be the name of a Dominos Pizza, though I suspect my creation would be more appetising.

It’s been warm and sunny here in south of England every day for what seems like ages. Trigga has been enjoying the weather, as have I.

Some workers have been taking unusual precautions to protect themselves against the threat of Covid-19. Take my local supermarket worker for instance. Effective perhaps, if not a little concerning.

People are reading more during Lockdown, we are told. I want to try and utilise this trend to find more readers for my books. Presently, I am waiting for Amazon to get back to me about ways in which I can use my new Necropolis Trilogy series page to do just that; fingers crossed.

Like many authors, I don’t stick only to my own genre/s (dark humour/satire) when it comes to reading. Earlier this week, I picked up this kindle book for 99p following a recommendation on Goodreads. It’s a subject I know little about; and as I fancy myself to be something of a war historian dilettante, I thought why not?

No doubt you have read some good books over lockdown. If you have any suggestions, I’d be keen to hear them. Have a good weekend.

The Necropolis Trilogy Box Set

Feb 14 2020

Today, I am pleased to unveil the Necropolis Trilogy Box Set. My hope is that its vibrant colours will prove as irresistible to dark humour crime readers as the bright feathers used to lure mackerel.

Initially, the box set will be for eBook only. The individual books that make up my black comedy trilogy will continue to also be offered in paperback form.

In other news, the 19 free crime books offer I introduced last week is still running. The offer includes Necropolis; the first instalment in my darkly humorous crime trilogy.

800+ Ratings for the Necropolis Trilogy on Goodreads

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a magnificent foray into the mind of a sociopath’ – DLS Reviews

Have a good weekend.

Launch of Golgotha

Dec 06 2019

Golgotha had its launch earlier this week. The reviews for my darkly humorous crime novel have been glowing so far. There are already eight on Goodreads, and they are starting to filter through to Amazon too. If you like dark humour, you’ll love Golgotha.

Here are some of the retailer links (eBook & paperback): Amazon UK, Amazon US, Amazon Ca, Kobo UK, & Goodreads

And here is a reminder about the book.

You can’t keep a good sociopath down.

Dyson Devereux is languishing in prison awaiting trial for murder. Languishing wouldn’t be so bad were it not for the irksome inmates, crowded conditions and distinct lack of haute cuisine.

Only Alegra, his sometime paramour and frequent visitor, shares his desire to see him released. The problem is, she wants Dyson freed so they can start a new life together. But all Dyson desires is to get back home to his treasured mementos.

As judgement day draws ever closer, can Dyson keep up appearances long enough to win his freedom? And at what cost? For hell hath no fury like a sociopath scorned.

Golgotha is a funny, fast-paced crime comedy novel, boasting a sardonic and sinister sociopath at its helm.

“Sociopathic comedy at its best” — Adam Riley, Comedian

“Deeply dark and irresistibly funny. If you like dark humour, you’ll love watching Dyson unravel” — Sandra Seymour, Author

‘A devilishly wry read …’ – Goodreads Reviewer

‘A brilliant unpredictable end’ – Goodreads Reviewer

Golgotha is the final instalment in the Necropolis Trilogy (#1 Necropolis & #2 Sepultura). As is the case with its predecessors, Golgotha can be read as a standalone novel.

Here is a short (467 word) extract, which I feel encapsulates the book’s dark tone. Click here to read it. Have a great weekend.

Fiction, Food & Flooding

Oct 18 2019

The weather here in South East England has been absolutely wretched of late. Relentless rain, day in, day out. Well, we need it; so I’m told. Some of the roads around my way have flooded. Fortunately, last week I finally sold my little car and upgraded to one with 4-wheel drive capabilities, so I should be okay. She’s a Honda. We’re in that honeymoon stage in our relationship, when everything’s perfect.

With all this rain and the impending darkness as winter looms, one seeks solace in sugar. Or at least I do.

And feeding frenzies too. These pork ribs doused in a rich sauce were sumptuous.

In other news, I am finally back in the writing groove, for want of a better expression. Perhaps the writers amongst you are the same as me. When you don’t write for a while, it is difficult to get back into it, until it becomes part of one’s routine once again.

I am also in the process of seeking for reviews for Golgotha (release date: Dec.3) – the third instalment in the Necropolis Trilogy. Like its predecessors, the book can be read as a standalone novel. It promises to be the best part yet.

Will a sociopath get his way?

And I’ve been making time for some reading. Never read Oscar Wilde before. His humour appeals.

You have to make your own entertainment out here in the sticks. Fortunately, I’m an imaginative person. This is me trying to hypnotise my dog with a piece of spaghetti.

One more thing. My satirical book of vignettes is free at all retailers. This is probably where I’m supposed to insert a ‘for a limited time’ clause to persuade you guys to download it right away. Well, the chances are it will be free for a while so there’s no rush. If you were able to download a copy it would be great; if you actually read it even better; and leave a review; well in that case I would be in heaven. Have a good weekend.

Tomorrow’s World links (some of them at any rate) – Amazon US, Amazon UK, Kobo Ca, Kobo UK.

Tag - Satire

Mangetout Blurb Reveal

Like this:

Mangetout Cover Reveal & A New Blurb.

Escape to the future with this hilarious and thought-provoking read.

Like this:

Sweets, Sport, Scenery & Submission.

Like this:

Food, Feasting, Fire & Free Fiction.

Like this:

Topiary, Tidbits & A Treasure Trove

Like this:

5 Satires Worth Reading

Like this:

Lockdown Reading & Revelations

Like this:

The Necropolis Trilogy Box Set

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Launch of Golgotha

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Fiction, Food & Flooding

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Escape to the future with this hilarious and thought-provoking read.

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