Twitter Annoyances

Twitter Species

Mar 14 2014

Nearly two years ago in May 2012, shortly after starting this blog, and one month before the release of my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth, I made a detailed study of the various species that inhabit Twitter. Now a month removed from the launch of my second book, Necropolis, I grab my binoculars, specimen jars and butterfly net, and head off once more to the deepest, darkest depths of the Twittersphere.

The following is what I discovered. (Note: It includes species found in my last study + some new discoveries).

#Hyperactive #Hashtaggers (Perquam strennus) – #Hyperactive #Hashtaggers are incessant Tweeters that usually tweet 24 hours a day. During peak Tweeting hours around dusk and dawn single specimens have been recorded Tweeting as frequently as every 19 seconds. #Hyperactive #Hashtagger Tweeting calls can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety due to the ubiquitous #. 9 #’s have been recorded in a single Tweet.

Harmonious Helpers (Concordi adiutor) – These enthusiastic, contented Tweeters Tweet only during waking hours, at a rate rarely exceeding 10 tweets per hour, or a 100 per day. The Tweeting call of the Harmonious Helper is always positive and often contains words like thank you/greeting/welcome (regional variations may apply). A high percentage of Tweets (about 49%) are either part of or result in a conversation. Harmonious Helpers’ often provide detailed instructional Tweets for the benefit of other species.

Continual Commentators (Semper Nuntius) – These swamp dwelling creatures Tweet primarily during nocturnal hours after the cessation of their foraging activities. Their Tweeting call is usually in the form of a statement, is opinionated, and is not part of a conversation. Responses to their Tweets have only rarely been recorded in the wild.

It was with a heavy heart that I viewed a solitary specimen from my previous study (2 years ago) still Tweeting its opinions about TV shows and political views without response.

Forex Foragers – Forex Foragers Tweeting calls consist of unintelligible utterances such as:

Best Forex Robot FOREX INCOME ENGINE BILL POULOS COMPLETE SET BRAMD NEW annoyingforexspammer/q3

This researcher can only assume these Tweets mean something to its fellow species.

Convivial Communicators (Amica Garrulus) – The Convivial Communicator is a social Tweeter, whose Tweeting call is audible throughout its waking hours. Tweets can be distinguished in part by the lengthy pause between each utterance. Tweets generally take the form of RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self-promotion. Tweets very rarely contain facts, quotes, criticism or judgement.

Irritating Interlopers (Vexo Tertius) – These carrion consuming creatures generally Tweet in short flurries several times a day. It is very unusual for an Irritating Interloper’s Tweets to either be part of a conversation or to result in one. Tweets are in the form of statements, usually contain capitalisation, and one of more occurrence of the word I, Me or My (regional variations may apply). Other species’ have been recorded recoiling at the sound of a lone Irritating Interloper’s Tweeting call, before moving hastily out of Tweeting range.

Inspirational Innovators (Inspiratori Novitatis) – Inspirational Innovators Tweet intermittently on a daily basis. Tweeting generally occurs about 6 to 10 times in any given 24 period. Inspirational Innovators are pensive, rational creatures, who generally tweet about a single topic, which they deem will inspire creatures with an interest in this subject matter.

Positive Proselytizers – (Prima proselytizers) – A subspecies of the Inspiration Innovator. Positive Proselytizers are of a religious/spiritual disposition and do not shy away from sharing the ‘good’ news.

Mundane Messengers (mundana enim adnuntiantis) – Tweeting habits consist of Tweeting random, non-inspirational information sporadically throughout waking hours. Whilst conducting this study I observed several Mundane Messenger Tweets, including something about a cheese sandwich and wanting to put the kettle on.

Comical Contributors (Conferunt ridiculum) – Comical Contributors sole purpose is to cause amusement. They also utilise Tweeting displays (videos & pictures). Comical Contributors have the ability to bring a modicum of colour to a recipient’s day.

Distressing Discombobulaters – (Molestus confuse) – Tweeting is incessant (rates of about 100 Tweets per hour, every hour for days at a time have been recorded). Tweet composition generally takes the form of a combination of quotes and sales pitches with no/few RTs’. It is this researcher’s opinion that this species’ voracious Tweeting habits will result in its extinction, as specimens are left with little time to perform necessary functions such as eating.

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My second book, Necropolis ~~(Release date: April 24th)~~ is a work of dark humorous fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Further details to follow…

Tormenting Twitter Types

Jun 21 2013

Anyone who follows my blog will know that I am somewhat obsessed with Twitter and frequently devote posts to the subject. One particular favourite pastime of mine is categorising types of Twitter users. The following post is devoted to three Twitter types, who have tormenting me and no doubt others of late.

Forex Foragers – Forex is a form of exchange for the global decentralised trading of international currencies (according to Wikipedia anyway). Trading takes place everyday, with the exception of weekends. Forex Foragers in their desperation to get us to ‘trade’, ignore the weekend interlude and Tweet incessantly, 24/7 7 days a week, from thousands of accounts. Tweets such as:

Best Forex Robot FOREX INCOME ENGINE BILL POULOS COMPLETE SET BRAMD NEW annoyingforexspammer/q3

And

Best Forex Robot MEGA NEW ‘STRATOSPHERE’ ES SYSTEM FOREX TRADESTATION incessantforexforrager/q3

I don’t even know what these Tweets mean and I don’t want to.

(Courtesy of cloudcoomputing.blogspot.co.uk)

Mundane Messengers – Anyone who uses Twitter regularly will be aware of Mundane Messengers. These are Tweeters whose Tweeting habits consist of Tweeting random, non-inspirational, worthless information throughout the day. The following are two recent examples:

(Don’t you just love it when the kettle boils faster than you thought it would.
sent from Iphone)

And

(Driving along when the lyrics for Elvis’s ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ appeared in my mind. Don’t you just love it when that happens.
sent from Iphone)

No I do not.

Admittedly neither of these occurrences have happened to me. But if they ever were to, not only would I not love it, I would not feel the need to Tweet about it.

Asian Accumulators – These are the ‘10,000 Followers for $5’ type spam Twitter accounts us Twitter users are constantly being Followed by. More often than not the john is lured in by an under-age looking South East Asian girl, unscrupulously being pimped out as jail bait. It is a sad indictment of the ageing Western males found kerb crawling throughout South East Asia that this method is considered to be the most effective in getting us to part with our $$.

Having recently had a Twitter conversation with an Asian Accumulator (for research purposes only), I discovered that the Tweets consisted of little more than the predictable ‘Only $5’, ‘me love you long time’, ‘me sucky sucky’, ‘You pay NOW’ variety.

Click here to read an earlier post about Twitter Types.

May 03 2013

It is estimated that about a third of the active global internet population now has a Twitter account. That’s over half a billion users worldwide. There are so many reasons for why mankind’s love of Twitter shows no sign of slowing down. We love Tweeting our friends, networking and getting breaking news, to mention nothing of the links to interesting articles and amusing quotes.

However as with anything in life Twitter can be annoying and anyone who uses the social media platform probably feels the same. In this post I will be discussing four of my personal Twitter annoyances.

#TeamFollowBack – Anyone who is familiar with Twitter will be aware of the scourge that is Team Follow Back. It has been embraced by those solely interested in building their numbers of Twitter Followers for no other reason than to have lots of Followers. Team Follow Back advocates do not as a rule interact with people other than through impersonal group messages such as the aptly named ‘Lazy Shout Out’. Team Follow Back is to many nothing but a infantile and futile exercise, which only gets one non-target Followers, who have no interest in what you have to say and vice versa.

TrueTwit Validation – This is when you Follow a Twitter account and get a message back asking you to prove that you are not a robot by going to a TrueTwit Validation service and typing alpha numerical codes in a field (see below). To start a relationship from a position of distrust is evidently a bad starting point. If you begun a friendly conversation with someone in your coffee shop queue, who clasped their handbag tightly to their body, as if you were going to steal it, you would probably not appreciate it and the same goes for Twitter. Perhaps it is just me but I find filling out the TrueTwit validation fields extremely taxing and it often takes numerous attempts, as they are extremely difficult to read in many instances. By the time I have attempted this several times and failed my relationship with the given person is already somewhat fraught.

Endless RTing – RTs’ are a fantastic way of forwarding information that we are interested in or amuses us, in addition to supporting other people. However as with everything in life moderation is the key not excess. Someone who only RTs’ can be perceived as idle as they never produce their own content. And then there’s the voluminous RT’er. One author I came across on Twitter had RT’d 120 instances of other authors’ books in their genre, in just one day. Finally there are the lists. What is the point I ask myself in RT’ing lists of Twitter accounts which end up going round in circles. Not much I would argue.

Bieber – Bieber has been described as being like marmite, you either love or hate him. There is no doubting however that Bieber is a true Twitter superpower. He has over 37 million Followers (known as True Beliebers) and at any one time around 3% Twitter’s traffic is dedicated to Bieber. Bieber is estimated to gain approximately 11,000 new Followers every day. Even the Bubonic Plague didn’t spread this fast.

‘I close my eyes and I can see a better day’, these are Bieber’s words not mine. They are from his song Pray. And in this one instance I have to agree with Bieber. For when I close my eyes I can see a time in the near future when Bieber is in terminal Twitter decline. A result in part because of his controversial recent behaviour, including allegedly smoking cannabis, bursts of rage at reporters, turning up very late to his own concerts and perhaps most pertinently the ill-judged comment he left in the Ann Frank visitors book during his recent trip to Amsterdam.

Perhaps you have Twitter annoyances that I have not listed.

Tag - Twitter Annoyances

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