June | 2016 | Guy Portman's Blog

Necropolis is Now On Sale

Jun 24 2016

Necropolis is 99c/99p for today and only (24th). Usual price: $3.35/£2.29.

Necropolis is a satirical black comedy about a sociopath. It is my second novel.

Necropolis

The blurb:

A black comedy of true distinction

Dyson Devereux works in the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Dyson is intelligent, incisive and informed. He is also a sociopath. Dyson’s contempt for the bureaucracy and banality of his workplace provides ample refuge for his mordant wit. But the prevalence of Essex Cherubs adorning the headstones of Newton New Cemetery is starting to get on his nerves.

When an opportunity presents itself will Dyson seize his chance and find freedom, or is his destiny to be a life of toil in Burials and Cemeteries?

Click here to read Crime Fiction Lover’s 5/5 star review (warning: contains some spoilers). Crime Fiction Lover is Britain’s largest and most prestigious Crime Fiction review site.

Necropolis has 42 reviews/ratings on Goodreads. Click here to see them.

Here are 2 short snippets:

It is the usual Halloween meets council workers scene – ubiquitous witches and black cats, a smattering of demons with horned-headbands, some carrying cheap plastic pitch-forks. In the far corner two finance workers wrapped in black cloaks, hold Scream film series inspired, white ghost masks to their faces…

To look upon Irene is to stare into a looking glass, into a world of cheap retail outlets, suburban cul-de-sacs, Sky television itineraries, frozen Iceland trifles and Co-operative Funeralcare plans.

The sale is for today only, so hurry why stocks last. Actually on second thoughts ebook stocks can’t run out. But the price will be returning to normal on the 25th ($3.35/£2.29).

Here are the links:

Amazon.com (99c)

Amazon.co.uk (99p)

Necropolis is also available in paperback.

13 Bizarre Books

Jun 17 2016

I always knew there were some bizarre books out there, but I was not aware quite how bizarre until researching this post. Here are 13 books that I consider to be bizarre. I have added pithy comments/fictitious dialogue below each.

Gadsby: A Lipogram Novel

Gadsby2

This 50,000+ word lipogram novel claims not to use the letter e.

How many e’s can you spot on the front cover?

Highlights in the History of Concrete

Concrete

If you’re going to go to the trouble of writing a book about the history of concrete, you might as well tell the whole story.

Sexual Analysis of Dickens’ Props

Dickens Props

I always knew that chair in Oliver Twist had sexual connotations, but no one would listen.

The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories

Lesbian Horse

One Amazon reviewer claims that The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories is merely a normal sized book of lesbian horse stories.

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say “No” to Drugs

Horse

This is how I imagine Latawnya the Naughty Horse learns how to say ‘No’ to drugs.

Someone walks into Latawnya’s stable holding some drugs.

Person: ‘Hi Latawnya you naughty horse, would you like some drugs?’

Latawnya: ‘Neighhhh.’

‘Let’s try that again shall we. Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhh.’

‘Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhno.’

Latawyna has learnt to say no to drugs. Have you?

Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

Castration

You mean to say there are disadvantages.

How to Speak Cat: The Essential Primer of Cat Language

Speak Cat

Purr whilst rubbing against someone if you want something, arch your back and hiss if you are angry, meow for everything else.

Anybody Can Be Cool– But Awesome Takes Practice

Cool

Oh, awesome takes practice! That explains why I’ve been stuck on cool for so long.

How to Avoid Huge Ships

Ships

Don’t go on cruises or swim in harbours.

Why Not Eat Insects?

Insects

Why not indeed!

How Green Were the Nazis?: Nature, Environment, and Nation in the Third Reich

Green Nazis

The Nazis may have killed millions of people, but when it came to recycling…

Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas

Dollar Dating

Go to McDonald’s with your date and order a grilled onion cheddar burger from the dollar menu, then pull out 99c and plead until they let you off the 1c. Now cut the burger in 2 and give her/him half, but with all the onions.

Date: ‘All the onions? That’s so kind. Are you sure?’

You: ‘Yes I’m sure. Now eat them before I change my mind.’

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

God Cats

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr, meow, hiss! MEOW! MEOW!’

Person: ‘Are you sure God? We already have 10 Commandments, do we really need an 11th?’

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Authors as Desserts III

Jun 10 2016

This week we return to the topic of authors and the desserts that in my opinion their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Dostoyevsky

Reading the iconic Russian author’s books is rewarding, but challenging.

Corresponding dessert: Gooey Butter Cake

Butter Cake

(Courtesy of Its Good To Be The Cook)

Rationale: Gooey butter cake may be delicious, but it is incredibly dense and requires a lot of chewing.

L. Ron Hubbard

Hubbard

The Scientology founder wrote numerous Sci-Fi and psychotherapy books.

Corresponding dessert: Waffle

(Courtesy of Heritage Radio Network)

Rationale: The content of Scientology’s doctrine.

Virginia Woolf

Virginia Woolf

Woolf favoured observations and interior monologue over plot. Themes in her writing include suicide.

Corresponding dessert: Depression Cake

Depression Cake

(Courtesy of Pinterest)

Rationale: Depression cake might look like a normal cake, but with little or no butter, eggs or milk it isn’t particularly appetising.

Irvine Welsh

Irvine Welsh

Themes in this legendary Scottish transgressive author’s writing include drugs and poverty.

Corresponding dessert: Deep-Fried Mars Bar

Deep Mars

(Courtesy of The Daily Mail)

Rationale: These treats might not be soft on the eye, and they are probably bad for you, but they taste good.

Guy Portman

Guy Portman

You may not have heard of Guy Portman, but you can take his word for it that he’s a talented author.

Corresponding dessert: Dark Chocolate Truffles with Clementine Zest

Truffles

(Courtesy of My Tartelette)

Rationale: The zest is this exquisite delight’s pièce de résistance. It is surprising that this dessert is not more popular.

Yukio Mishima

Mishima

Mishima was a staunch nationalist, and Japan’s most famous ever author.

Corresponding dessert: Daifuku (大福)

Daifuku

(Courtesy of Jap Pop)

Rationale: Daifuku is a traditional Japanese dessert that some Westerners enjoy.

Bret Easton Ellis

Easton-Ellis

Easton Ellis is a master of social commentary. Much of his writing features vapid, soulless characters.

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Sorbet

lemon

(Courtesy of Dishmaps)

Rationale: This cold, astringent dessert isn’t for everyone. I rather like it.

Nora Roberts

Roberts

Nora Roberts is one of the best-selling Romance authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Summer Pudding

Summer Pudding

(Courtesy of Home Farmer)

Rationale: The mere sight of this pink extravagance makes me feel quite queasy.

Click here to read Part II

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

15 Bizarre Male Author Facts

Jun 03 2016

Here are 15 bizarre male author facts.

Pile of Books

Did you know that:

There is an asteroid named after Kurt Vonnegut.

Victor Hugo wrote The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and Les Misérables in the nude. Hugo would order his valet to hide his clothes until after he had finished writing.

Only 10 people attended D. H. Lawrence’s funeral. 1 of them was Aldous Huxley.

Billy Wilder’s epitaph is – I’m a writer but then nobody’s perfect.

William Burroughs accidentally killed his partner Joan Vollmer by shooting her in the head.

WilliamBurroughs

On his marriage document in 1582, William Shakespeare’s name was spelled William Shagspeare.

American music critic and author Gustav Kobbé’s was out sailing when a seaplane misjudged its descent and struck his boat, killing him.

American playwright Tennessee Williams died from swallowing a bottle of eye drops.

In 1912 Ambrose Bierce invented 1 of the earliest emoticons, the snigger point, written as \ ___ /! It was designed to look like a smiling mouth.

Vladimir Nabokov had a ‘genitalia’ cabinet, in which he stored his collection of male butterfly genitalia.

Nabokov

Dr Seuss included the word ‘contraceptive’ in a draft of his children’s book Hop on Pop to make sure the publisher was concentrating.

On his deathbed when asked by the priest to renounce Satan, Voltaire allegedly said, ‘Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.’

John Boyne claims to have written The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas in only 2 and a half days.

Henry David Thoreau’s last words were allegedly, ‘Moose. Indian.’ Perhaps not the most rational last words ever uttered, but apt, considering the subject matter of Thoreau’s writing.

Vladimir Nabokov had a fixation with index cards. The majority of his novels were written out on cards with a pencil. Nabokov also wrote standing up.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Click here to sign up for my book-related newsletter.

I am the author of the satirical black comedy, Necropolis.