August | 2016 | Guy Portman's Blog

Bizarre Books II

Aug 26 2016

Here is Part II of my Bizarre Books Series. As with Part 1 I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

God Locker

Because you forgot the key.

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Dissapear

Would you trust the author to make you disappear when he can’t spell disappear?

How to Abandon Ship

Abandon Ship

Brimming with helpful tips from Argentine sailors.

Is God In Your Bedroom?

God Bedroom

Well he’s not behind the door or in the wardrobe.

Extreme Ironing

Extreme Ironing

I don’t know about you, but I need to learn how to iron a shirt with the creases in the right places before attempting any extreme ironing.

Hitler: Neither Vegetarian Nor Animal Lover

Hitler

When in his countryside residence, Berghof, Hitler would march around the grounds munching on schnitzels whilst ranting at any livestock he came across with non Aryan characteristics. ‘Unter tier. Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei verboten unter tier…’

How To Sharpen Pencils

Pencils

Insert pencil into sharpener and rotate. Repeat until pencil is sharp.

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

Mother Theresa

Publishing Company CEO: ‘Are you the jackass who agreed to publish this book?’

Employee: ‘Err yes … I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that the title could be deemed offensive to some.’

Publishing Company CEO: ‘The Vatican has declared us to be heretics. You’re finished here. Clear your desk!’

We Never Went To The Moon

Moon

Author: ‘Do you believe NASA of the USA ever set foot on the moon in and after 1969 or do you doubt it?’

‘I can honestly say I’ve never given it any thought. On another subject did you use WordArt to design your front cover? … You did didn’t you.’

Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich

Spoons Reich

Not interested. I only collect 3rd Reich forks.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Click here to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter.

7 Satirical Novels

Aug 19 2016

As followers of this blog know I am an enthusiastic satire reader and writer. This week’s post is dedicated to 7 satirical novels.

Satire definition: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly...

Candide by Voltaire (1759)

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology during The Enlightenment. Voltaire adroitly sought to dispel the belief that all is for the best when it is not.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds…(more)

My Opinion: Amusing

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (1884)

Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery.

My Review: 13-year-old Huckleberry Finn is living in Missouri with a widow who plans to ‘sivilize’ him. That is until his alcoholic father relocates him to an isolated cabin in the woods. Huck fakes his own death and escapes…(more)

My Opinion: Okay but turgid.

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (1932)

Brave New World

Brave New World utilises erudite social commentary to explore mankind’s inherent nature. Huxley’s portentous vision has proven to be prescient in its prediction of a science-controlled, consumer culture.

My Review: Brave New World is set in a society where everything is controlled. The parentless, manufactured, free-loving population are dependent on a state-endorsed hallucinogenic, happiness drug called Soma…(more)

My Opinion: Very good

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Catch-22

Catch-22 is a satire whose central theme is the futility of war. The book employs a distinctive writing style, an innovative out of sequence narration of events, imaginative descriptions, paradox and grandiloquent language.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts to…(more)

My Opinion: A rambling text

High-Rise by J.G. Ballard (1975)

High-Rise

Replete with similes and occurrences of the word ‘percolate’, High-Rise is a tense, bleak and satirical book about conflict that explores the connection between technology and the human condition.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three main characters…(more)

My Opinion: Quite good

Death And The Penguin by Andrey Kurkov (1996)

Death And The Penguin

Set in the post-Soviet Ukraine of the 1990s, Death And The Penguin is a bizarre, bleak, surreal and at times darkly humorous crime novel and tragicomedy that combines political and social commentary.

My Review: Kiev resident and journalist Viktor lives in a small flat with Misha, his pet Emperor Penguin, purchased from the near destitute city zoo. Viktor has ambitions of becoming a novelist or short story writer…(more)

My Opinion: Okay

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk (2007)

Rant

Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires, motives and beliefs. There are obvious parallels with the gospels.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the small rural town where…(more)

My Opinion: Thought-provoking but convoluted.

Click here to claim your FREE dark humour/satire book (Necropolis) and to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter (reading recommendations, free books & more).

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

My Peruvian Culinary Tour

Aug 12 2016

Last week I wrote about my recent trip to Cotahuasi Canyon in Peru. Today’s post is dedicated to my Peruvian culinary experiences.

Ceviche is a seafood dish popular in the coastal regions of Peru. The seafood is cooked not by heat but by the acidity of the lime/lemon juice it is soaked in. The acid changes the structure of the proteins in the fish, essentially “cooking” it. Ceviche was the first meal I ate in Peru. See below.

There are numerous other seafood dishes including chicharron de camarones (fried shrimps).

And here is some Peruvian-inspired sushi.

Anticuchos (grilled beef hearts) are extremely popular in Peru, and for good reason.

Not all the food in Peru looks appealing as these cow faces testify. No idea what you are supposed to do with them.

P1000271

The only thing that made me ill was a pizza made with very slightly rancid cheese. 48 hours later and 3 kilograms lighter I found myself pinning for pizza once again. I got lucky second time around.

Below is a picture of me drinking a mug of quinoa juice at a bus station in Cotahuasi Canyon. The juice is so viscous it is more akin to food than drink.

P1000285

In Cotahuasi Canyon the population thrive on a healthy diet that in addition to quinoa includes avocado and trucha (trout) from the canyon’s river.

P1000406

Meals aren’t always easy to come by in the canyon. When I wasn’t dining on the above I survived on bread and the aptly named Sublime, a brand of chocolate sold throughout the province.

After returning to the city of Arequipa from my all night bus ride I was feeling very hungry so I ordered this steak and chips.

Realising that I had forgotten to order salad, I said to the waiter, ‘Salada por favor.’

Waiter: ‘¿Salada?’

Me: ‘Si, salada.’

The waiter disappeared, emerging moments later with a salt mill which he plonked on my table.

‘Non salt. Salada. Sa-lada.’ I was prodding at the salad option on the menu as I said this.

Waiter: ‘AH. Sa-la-da.’

Below is an alpaca kebab I had in Cusco. It tasted rather like lamb if I remember correctly.

For dessert I had this award winning decadent chocolate creation, which I considered to be overly ornate, but it tasted good.

Pisco sour is a popular alcoholic drink in Peru.

No Peruvian culinary tour would be complete without guinea pig, or cuy as they refer to them in Spanish. Below is a picture of me about to tuck into this Andean speciality.

P1000261

In Cusco guinea pigs are served roasted (see below) whilst in the south they tend to be fried. What did I think of the guinea pig? Pleasant enough though rather hard work. There is a lot of fat on a guinea pig you see, but not much in the way of meat.

P1000262

Cotahuasi Canyon

Aug 05 2016

This week we take a sojourn from the usual literary-related theme. As I have recently returned from Peru I am dedicating this post to my travels there.

After visiting Lima, Cusco and Machu Picchu I was in dire need of a break from poncho clad tourists, so I headed to the remote Cotahuasi Canyon. The canyon is a 9 hour bus journey from the southern city of Arequipa.

Any fatigue was forgotten on arrival.

P1000282

P1000470

P1000550

Below is a picture of me posing beside a cactus.

P1000334

Travelling to different parts of the canyon entails traversing its unpaved roads in public buses.

P1000580

The view from the bus.

P1000463

The roads are often blocked with debris from avalanches (see below).

P1000462

Memorials are a regular sight on the canyon’s roads.

P1000503

Away from the road the canyon is an idyllic place.

P1000594

Every village in the canyon has a church.

P1000412

And most have a bullring.

P1000614

Living conditions in the canyon can be rudimentary.

P1000326

Donkeys are the only mode of transport in the more remote villages where it appears little has changed for hundreds of years.

P1000415

That is until I ventured into a house.

P1000407

Canyon residents gathered outside a dwelling.

P1000459

And this is a bridge I had to cross. Note the man taking a nap in the middle. Did I mention that I’m scared of heights.

P1000482

Fortunately the bridge was in fairly good condition.

P1000475

The same cannot be said of the next bridge.

P1000544

These are agricultural terraces built by the pre Incan Wari people.

P1000324

Below is a picture of my guide posing in the Wari Cemetery.

P1000338

The human bones here date to about 700 A.D.

P1000357

Is there anything in this world as cathartic as water and a blue sky?

P1000375

A forest of cactuses.

P1000381

On my last day in the canyon I ventured too far from the town to get back in time for the once daily bus back to Arequipa. I was fortunate to come across this motorised rickshaw. I made it back just in time.

P1000644