2017 | Guy Portman's Blog

13 Bewildering Book Titles

Oct 20 2017

I have dedicated numerous blog posts to the topic that is bizarre books. Now it is the turn of bewildering book titles. Here are 13 bewildering book titles.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America

English Smocks

Pornogami

Bowl Better Using Self-Hypnosis

The Art of Faking Exhibition Poultry

Ruby Ann’s Down Home Trailer Park Cookbook

Crafting With Cat Hair

Jewish Chess Masters on Stamps

Snow Caves for Fun and Survival

An Arsonist’s Guide To Writers’ Homes In New England

What Bird Did That?

The Original Road Kill Cookbook

The Mullet: Hairstyle of the Gods

There will be a second instalment at some point.

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20 Bizarre Author-Related Facts

Oct 13 2017

In recent years I have dedicated a number of blog posts to the topic of bizarre author-related trivia. Here are 20 of the most bizarre author facts I have come across to date.

Modernist writer Katherine Mansfield wore a mourning dress to her own wedding.

Zadie Smith spent the best part of 2 years writing and rewriting the first 20 pages of her novel, On Beauty.

William Burroughs accidentally killed his partner Joan Vollmer by shooting her in the head.

There is an asteroid named after Kurt Vonnegut.

J.R.R. Tolkien typed the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy with two fingers.

Dr Seuss included the word ‘contraceptive’ in a draft of his children’s book Hop on Pop to make sure the publisher was concentrating.

It took Helen Hooven Santmyer 50 years to pen And Ladies of the Club.

Dan Brown is a fan of inversion therapy He often hangs upside down in antigravity boots because he claims it helps him relax.

John Boyne claims to have written The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas in only 2 and a half days.

ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON is the author of Birth Control Is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and Also Robbing God of Priesthood. Every letter in the book capitalised.

Helen Hoover Santymeyer was 88 when her seminal work And Ladies of the Club was published.

John Steinbeck — Steinbeck was obsessed with pencils, particularly Blackwing 602’s.

American music critic and author Gustav Kobbé’s was out sailing when a seaplane misjudged its descent and struck his boat, killing him.

Vladimir Nabokov had a fixation with index cards. The majority of his novels were written out on cards with a pencil.

Dorothy Parker’s epitaph reads, Excuse my dust

Victor T. Cheney is the author of Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages.

In 1912 Ambrose Bierce invented 1 of the earliest emoticons, the snigger point, written as \ ___ /! It was designed to look like a smiling mouth.

Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables contains a sentence that is 823 words long.

Jane Austen never married, but she was engaged for 1 night. She accepted the proposal of marriage 2 weeks prior to her 27th birthday. Austen changed her mind the next day.

Billy Wilder epitaph is, I’m a writer but then nobody’s perfect

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Authors As Desserts VI

Oct 06 2017

This week I have been hard at work on my fourth novel, Sepultura. It is the sequel to my black comedy, Necropolis.

I have also written the sixth instalment in my series; authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

James Patterson

Patterson is one of the best-selling authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Vanilla ice-cream

Rationale: Vanilla ice-cream might not be the most enthralling dessert in the world, but many of us eat it all the same.

Emily Dickinson

This prolific American poet and recluse had a penchant for baking.

Corresponding dessert: Hermit Cookies

Paulo Coelho

Coelho is the best-selling Portuguese language author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Pastel de nata

Rationale: This egg tart pastry dessert is extremely popular throughout the Portuguese-speaking world.

Helen Fielding

Chick lit author Fielding penned Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Corresponding dessert: Pink Cupcakes

Rationale: Pink cupcakes are so pretty you almost don’t want to eat them.

Jim Thompson

Jim Thompson is one of the greatest ‘pulp’ authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Mango Pulp

Rationale: This dessert might be pulp but it tastes sweet.

Charles Dickens

Harrowing realism was the order of the day for England’s greatest ever author.

Corresponding dessert: Dessert porridge

Thomas Hardy

Hardy was an English novelist and poet best known for Tess of the d’Ubervilles and Far from the Madding Crowd.

Corresponding dessert: Black Rice Pudding

Rationale: This dessert might be unabated in its blackness but it tastes good.

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter’s seven best-sellers include Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right and If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans.

Corresponding dessert: Cobblers

12 Unfortunate Book Titles

Sep 29 2017

This week sees the second and final instalment in my ‘unfortunate book titles’ series. Here are 12 more books with titles that many would consider to be unfortunate.

Scouts In Bondage

The Art Of Taking A Wife

Oozing For My Lord

A Practical Guide To Racism

Helping The Retarded To Know God

The Loneliest Ho in the World

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

Are Women Human?

Innards And Other Variety Meats

The Humanure Handbook

Cooking with Poo

Bitch Are You Retarded

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7 More Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

Sep 22 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my series — books that I would not be seen dead reading in public.

Dancing with Cats

When in public drawing concern to the fragile state of one’s mental health is ill-advised.

The Doomsday Conspiracy

I read the backs of cartons, chocolate bar wrappers and the writing contained on packets of crisps, but I do not read Sidney Sheldon let alone in public.

Small Game Taxidermy

If your aim is to free up the seats on either side of you on the bus/tube/subway then great, but if not then keep this title stowed away on your bedside table.

Justin Bieber First Step 2 Forever: My Story

If I was a teenage girl then I might well not want to be seen in public without this book, but I am not…

The Joy of Solo Sex

I am already familiar with the subject matter, so I wouldn’t be tempted to read this in public, or anywhere in fact. Might I suggest that anyone who wants to discover more about ‘the joy’ read this in private.

The Wedding

Reading Danielle Steel in private is a traumatic experience, but in public…

The Sex Addiction Workbook

This book may be brimming with ‘proven strategies to help you regain control of your life’, but they are best consumed in private.

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Authors As Desserts V

Sep 15 2017

It has been quite some time since I dedicated a post to the topic of authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

Karl Marx

Corresponding dessert: Guriev Porridge

Rationale: It is widely believed that this frugal Russian dessert was invented by a serf chef.

Ambrose Bierce

Corresponding dessert: Lemon sorbet

Rationale: Few desserts are more acerbic.

Barbara Cartland

Corresponding dessert: Valentine’s Cookies

Rationale: These pink, heart-shaped morsels all taste the same.

James Joyce

Corresponding dessert: Perfect St. Patrick’s Day Cake

Rationale: This decadent, multi-layered cake is made from Guinness, Irish Cream and bittersweet chocolate.

Franz Kafka

Corresponding dessert: Sourdough Cake

Rationale: This dessert offering might not taste sweet, but it does taste good.

Sophie Kinsella

Corresponding dessert: Pink Waffle

Rationale: Pretty, pink desserts containing little more than air are not for everyone.

Jane Austen

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Drizzle Cake

Rationale: This traditional English offering is bitter yet appetising.

Jilly Cooper

Corresponding dessert: Jam Roly Poly

Rationale: This warm, sticky dessert is a staple of the English upper classes.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

7 Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

Sep 08 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to seven books that I would not be seen dead reading in public.

Going Rogue: An American Life by Sarah Palin

Celebrity autobiographies are anathema to me. This one looks particularly offensive.

The Voyeur’s Motel by Gay Talese

I am sure that I am not alone in steering clear of book titles containing the word ‘voyeur’ when in public. Click here to read my review of The Voyeur’s Motel.

Riders by Jilly Cooper

There is a time and place for prurient filth. The public domain is not it.

Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

No doubt Hitler would be furious if he discovered that his seminal work was being listed alongside tripe by Jilly Cooper & co. Its inclusion is because Hitler/Nazis tend to arouse strong reactions in people. If one is curious as to Mein Kampf’s contents, it is probably best exploring it in the privacy of one’s home.

Fifty Shades of Grey

‘A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who cannot read.’ — Guy Portman

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

One would gain more respect clasping faecal matter in public than clasping a copy of this.

How To Meet Women On The Subway

Being seen reading this book on the subway/tube is one sure way of not meeting women on the subway/tube.

Which books would you not be seen dead reading in public?

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13 Unfortunate Book Titles

Sep 01 2017

I hope you are in the mood for some unfortunate book titles. Here are 13 book titles that I consider to be unfortunate.

Fellow Fags

How To Raise Your IQ By Eating Gifted Children

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

How To Succeed In Business Without A Penis

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy

Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

Street Sword: Practical Use of the Long Blade for Self Defense

Jesus And The ‘G’ Spot

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

A Parent’s Guide To Preventing Homosexuality

The Pocket Book of Boners

A Passion For Donkeys

There will be a further instalment at some point.

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5 Recommended Novellas

Aug 25 2017

In recent years I have read numerous novellas. This week’s post is dedicated to 5 of the more memorable ones. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote (1958)

Truman Capote’s masterful ability to develop character is on full display in this compelling and at times humorous tale about an independent young society figure with a past shrouded in secrecy.

My Review: Holly Golighty is a young woman living in 1940s New York. The story follows Holly’s ambiguous relationship with a nameless narrator, whom we are told almost nothing...(more)

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (1962)

Whilst the morose subject matter (Gulags) will not appeal to everyone, this reader, an avid Solzhenitsyn fan, is of the opinion that One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is one of the best books ever written.

My Review: Ivan Denisovich Shukhov is a former POW serving a 10 year term in a Gulag on the Kazakh steppe for being a spy. He is innocent. The book chronicles a single day of his existence…(more)

The Legend of the Holy Drinker by Joseph Roth (1939)

This compact and compassionate novella has an alcoholic tramp protagonist. Its author, Joseph Roth, succumbed to a premature alcohol related death shortly after finishing this allegorical tale.

My Review: The Legend of the Holy Drinker is a short novella written by the iconic Austrian-Jewish author and journalist Joseph Roth. Set in Paris between the wars the story is…(more)

Queer by William S. Burroughs (1985)

Autobiographical in nature, the book is an account of Burroughs’s life in Mexico, during a troubled time in his life. The author adeptly portrays a deep sense of longing and loss.

My Review: Queer is an unreciprocated love story, in which the protagonist craves love and attention from a young American by the name of Eugene Allerton. Set in the American ex-pat…(more)

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (1899)

Heart of Darkness is a disturbing, multi-layered story about what can occur when man exists outside of civilisation’s constraints. Readers are challenged to question the existence of being.

My Review: A steamship sailing up a river through the jungles of The Congo, in search of Mr Kurtz, a mysterious ivory trader, who has reportedly turned native…(more)

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10 Ridiculous Religious Books

Aug 18 2017

This week sees the fourth and final instalment in my religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Experiencing Bible Science