If Authors Were Desserts

Here are twelve authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to.

Norman Mailer

Cultural criticism, controversy and obscenity were hallmarks of this volatile and violent author.

Corresponding dessert: Fruitcake

Rationale: Self-explanatory

Stephanie Meyer

Meyer is a young-adult fiction writer responsible for the vampire romance series Twilight.

Corresponding dessert: Sponge Cake

Rationale: It might look like a cake, feel like a cake and smell like a cake, but on taking a bite one realises it’s mostly just air.

Vladimir Nabokov

The intellectual Russian born Nabokov utilised an ornate prose style.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed S’more

Rationale: This sophisticated, deconstructed extravagance contains chocolate-coated cereal garnishes, caramelised vanilla marshmallow and more besides.

L. Ron Hubbard

The Scientology founder wrote numerous Sci-Fi and psychotherapy books.

Corresponding dessert: Waffle

Rationale: The content of Scientology’s doctrine.

Ambrose Bierce

Corresponding dessert: Lemon sorbet

Rationale: Few desserts are more acerbic.

Anne Rice

The Vampire Chronicles creator is one of the best-selling writers in recent American history.

Corresponding dessert: Jelly

Rationale: Right-minded adults steer clear of this puerile dessert.

Bret Easton Ellis

Easton Ellis is a master of social commentary. Much of his writing features vapid, soulless characters.

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Sorbet

Rationale: This cold, astringent dessert isn’t for everyone. I rather like it.

Dan Brown

Brown has sold more than 200 million of his mystery/conspiracy novels.

Corresponding dessert: Ring-Shaped Donut

Rationale: These deep-fried snacks have a gaping hole in the middle.

Agatha Christie

English crime novelist Agatha Christie is the best-selling author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Tunnock’s Teacake

Rationale: One has to first unwrap the packaging and then bite through the outer layer to reveal what lies beneath.

E. L. James

Erotica novelist E. L. James is one of the World’s best-selling authors.

Corresponding dessert: Cheesecake

Rationale: Many, including yours truly, are of the opinion that cheese and cake should not be mixed.

Leo Tolstoy

Iconic Russian writer Tolstoy is best-remembered for his opuses Anna Karenina and War And Peace.

Corresponding dessert: Heavy Cake

Rationale: Heavy Cake is dense and requires a lot of chewing, but it tastes good.

Sidney Sheldon

Chick lit/Thriller author Sheldon is the one of the best-selling authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Wafer

Rationale: With their primary ingredient being air, wafers won’t satisfy one’s hunger.