If Authors Were Desserts

This week’s post is devoted to what I deem to be the highlights of my ‘If Authors Were Desserts’ series, which began back in mid 2016.

Here are twelve authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to.


Norman Mailer


Cultural criticism, controversy and obscenity were hallmarks of this volatile and violent author.

Corresponding dessert: Fruitcake

Fruit Cake

Rationale: Self-explanatory


Stephanie Meyer


Meyer is a young-adult fiction writer responsible for the vampire romance series Twilight.

Corresponding dessert: Sponge Cake

sponge cake

Rationale: It might look like a cake, feel like a cake and smell like a cake, but on taking a bite one realises it’s mostly just air.


Vladimir Nabokov


The intellectual Russian born Nabokov utilised an ornate prose style.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed S’more

Deconstructed Smores

Rationale: This sophisticated, deconstructed extravagance contains chocolate-coated cereal garnishes, caramelised vanilla marshmallow and more besides.


L. Ron Hubbard


The Scientology founder wrote numerous Sci-Fi and psychotherapy books.

Corresponding dessert: Waffle


Rationale: The content of Scientology’s doctrine.


Ambrose Bierce

Corresponding dessert: Lemon sorbet

Rationale: Few desserts are more acerbic.


Anne Rice


The Vampire Chronicles creator is one of the best-selling writers in recent American history.

Corresponding dessert: Jelly


Rationale: Right-minded adults steer clear of this puerile dessert.


Bret Easton Ellis


Easton Ellis is a master of social commentary. Much of his writing features vapid, soulless characters.

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Sorbet


Rationale: This cold, astringent dessert isn’t for everyone. I rather like it.


Dan Brown


Brown has sold more than 200 million of his mystery/conspiracy novels.

Corresponding dessert: Ring-Shaped Donut


Rationale: These deep-fried snacks have a gaping hole in the middle.


Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie

English crime novelist Agatha Christie is the best-selling author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Tunnock’s Teacake

Tea Cake

Rationale: One has to first unwrap the packaging and then bite through the outer layer to reveal what lies beneath.


E. L. James


Erotica novelist E. L. James is one of the World’s best-selling authors.

Corresponding dessert: Cheesecake


Rationale: Many, including yours truly, are of the opinion that cheese and cake should not be mixed.


Leo Tolstoy


Iconic Russian writer Tolstoy is best-remembered for his opuses Anna Karenina and War And Peace.

Corresponding dessert: Heavy Cake

Heavy Cake

Rationale: Heavy Cake is dense and requires a lot of chewing, but it tastes good.


Sidney Sheldon

Sidney Sheldon

Chick lit/Thriller author Sheldon is the one of the best-selling authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Wafer


Rationale: With their primary ingredient being air, wafers won’t satisfy one’s hunger.


Click here to find out about my books – four to date, more on the way.

Click here to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter.


Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Copyright © 2015. Guyportman's Blog

%d bloggers like this: