2021 | Guy Portman's Blog

Gardening, Griping, Guzzling & German

Mar 19 2021

I just can’t get people to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it. It’s a real problem; one that I can’t imagine Putin or Xi Jinping have. That’s the griping out of the way. Actually no, there’ll be more later. Now for the guzzling. Earlier this week I made an omelette that only broke very slightly. Give me a round of applause please. Here’s a picture of it:

Anyone else like Indian food? I’ll take your silence as a yes. I had an Indian banquet on Wednesday. What a treat.

Now for the German. Earlier this week, Leipzig-based publisher Festa Verlag published my psychological thriller.

Symbiose retail link

Symbiose means Symbiosis in English. Somebody their end must think Symbiosis is pretty good, as it boasts a fairly hefty price tag. The plan is it sells well and they take some more of my books, and I emigrate to Germany, where I am adulated like David Hasselhoff.

That is a picture of my hedge. I do most of my gardening myself due to the fact I like doing it, and because I’m a cheapskate and don’t want to fork out for a gardener. However, at this time of year I do get help with stuff above ground level, such as this hedge for example. A two-man team turned up with chainsaws for what I assumed from the invoice was going to be a full day of arduous labour. Must have been a little over five minutes into their day that the main man knocked on my summerhouse/office door and informs me, ‘We’re done’. When I went out to inspect, I couldn’t see any difference. I told him, ‘I didn’t get you in to trim my hedge with nail scissors.’ He shook his head and said, ‘D-don’t know what you mean. What do you mean?’ ‘I mean cut it properly, to the height of the top of a man’s head, and I’m not talking the world’s tallest man as it is currently.’ They did it again (see photo). I’m satisfied.

Mangetout has been out a week now. There are seven ratings on Goodreads and they are pretty positive. I’m not saying they’re all waxing lyrical, but some of them are. I’m hoping, no I’m praying, that more will appear on Amazon. There are none on the UK site at the time of writing. There are some on Amazon US though. Have a good weekend.

Mangetout: My New Book Is Out

Mar 12 2021

Mangetout is now on Goodreads and Amazon. It should shortly be appearing on other retailers.

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

Mangetout (41k words/2.25 hours) will appeal to all fans of darkly humorous crime. Don’t take my word for it. Check out the reviews that have already appeared on Goodreads, and there are a couple on Amazon US too. Mangetout is only 99p/99c for a limited time only. It is also available as a paperback.

I haven’t told my mailing list, or anyone really yet about my new book being out. That’s not just because I’m shy. I’m hoping a few more reviews might appear, particularly on regional Amazon’s, most pertinently my own (UK). Fingers crossed. So, I’m going to wait a little while longer before getting the loud speaker out.

While waiting for reviews to appear, I’ve been trying to avoid Meghan Markle and inspecting my newly manicured shrubs. They’re looking ready for the Chelsea Flower Show.

Have a good weekend.

Mangetout Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Goodreads.

Mangetout: Coming Soon

Mar 05 2021

My eighth book is being unleashed on the world next Thursday (March: 11th). This quick read will appeal to all fans of darkly humorous crime fiction.

Mangetout Goodreads Link

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

Kitchenhand Deron thinks he’s hit the jackpot when a routine delivery of vegetables turns out to be contraband …

Financier Hamish has got involved in the arms trade and business is good. However, he’s unwittingly made a formidable foe …

Ken’s fed up with the nine-to-five. An illegal venture with girlfriend Laura brings the job satisfaction he craves, but also attention from organised crime …

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

In North America mangetout (UK) are known as snow peas. This might make the title seem rather random to North American readers, and the Francophiles amongst them may think it means eat all, and perhaps wonder how this correlates to the picture of a snow pea. C’est la vie, the title is fixed now.

My books are supposed to be aimed primarily at my domestic market anyway. However, the one book I have had traditionally published is being published in Germany (this spring), so I may be proven wrong on that count. But I digress. Mangetout will be available from all retailers, initially at least.

Mangetout Goodreads Link

Have a good weekend.

Meals, Mangetout & More

Feb 26 2021

There have been some impressive skies here of late.

When I haven’t been staring at the sky, I’ve been writing, reading and eating.

Kebabs + beer = a great combination.

And here’s a shot of something healthier. It’s a tuna salad containing six ingredients that I made earlier.

Books and green tea is another favoured combo.

There is less than two weeks to go until the release of my latest book – Mangetout. This quick read will appeal to all fans of darkly humorous crime fiction.

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

Have a good weekend.

Walking, Sleeping, Eating, Reading & Writing.

Feb 19 2021

This blog post’s title sums up my life. Well, there’s also housework, gardening, Netflix, watching sport, bathing and procrastinating in there too. But I digress …

It’s been a longtime coming but I finally got some new bedlinen, which if you follow me on Twitter you may have already seen. If you missed it don’t worry, here it is again:

It is ‘hotel quality’, or so the packet it came in claims. Not sure whether they mean The Ritz or Premier Inn. Regardless; so far so good.

Bought walking boots about four months ago. They’ve since ripped to shreds and now resemble hobo footwear. These are the new ones.

This combo takes some beating.

Sometimes simple fare is the best.

Currently, I am reading this. It is the third book I’ve read by gothic crime writer Pollock. It is likely the last as he’s only written three.

As for me, I am writing away and counting down the days until the release of Mangetout.

Have a good weekend.

Mangetout Blurb Reveal

Feb 12 2021

Today, I am pleased to unveil the updated blurb for Mangetout (Release date: March 11th).

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

Kitchenhand Deron thinks he’s hit the jackpot when a routine delivery of vegetables turns out to be contraband. The problem is it belongs to somebody else. And they want it back.

Financier Hamish has got involved in the arms trade and business is good. However, he’s unwittingly made a formidable foe. One who will stop at nothing for revenge.

Ken’s fed up with the nine-to-five. An illegal venture with girlfriend Laura brings the job satisfaction he craves, but also attention from organised crime. This could all go horribly wrong.

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

‘Dangerously droll crime capers’ – Adam Riley, Comedian

Mangetout is my eighth book. I am currently hard at work on a ninth. Have a good weekend.

My Goodreads Author Page Link

Mangetout Cover Reveal & A New Blurb.

Feb 05 2021

I’ve written a new book. Mangetout will be unleashed on the world on March 11th. It is a crime caper of sorts. Mangetout will appeal to fans of crime fiction and dark humour.

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

Hope you like it as much as I do. Red seems to fit the genre. After all red equals danger. Mangetout has the same format and virtually the same word count as my last effort, The Gazebo. It consists of three dark, acerbic tales that explore crime and class.

The plan was to share the blurb too today. I unveiled it to my mailing list subscribers last week. Unfortunately, I have since been presented with some data that suggests it will not convert well. I am currently rewriting it. If only I’d tested it prior to the designer designing the book’s back matter. I should know better by now. That’s the thing about experience – it only teaches the teachable.

I have however penned a new blurb for one of my other books – Tomorrow’s World. Some of my titles are wide, but Tomorrow’s World is an Amazon exclusive work. It’s ticking along in the Kindle Library, but I don’t feel it’s converting as well as it could.

If the new blurb works, great. If it needs some further polishing that option’s always open. Anyway, here it is:

Escape to the future with this hilarious and thought-provoking read.

Englishman Terrence has had enough of accountancy. After all, it’s been his job for over six decades. He’d bow out if the government didn’t keep increasing the mandatory retirement age. At this rate, Terrence will be working until doomsday.

American plutocrat Walter has harnessed the power of age-defying medication and enjoys the life of a conceited centenarian. But many are fed up with his kind. If the situation doesn’t change fast, there could be a revolution.

With its dark humour and gripping narrative, Tomorrow’s World paints a vivid picture of a future that’s a little too close for comfort.

‘Takes our current foibles and obsessions to their logical, gruesome and absurd conclusions’ – Adam Riley, Comedian

I could include the old blurb for comparison, but this post would be pretty long if I did that, so I’m not going to. If you want to see it get over to Amazon. You better hurry though because it’s poised to swap over any minute now. Have a good weekend.

Tomorrow’s World Amazon Link

Snow, Snacks, Steaks & Sunrises.

Jan 29 2021

I’d forgotten the stuff existed. Hadn’t seen it in years.

The snow came as a big surprise. And a nostalgic one.

While we’re on the subject of nostalgia, it had been a long time since I had these. They were a staple of my formative years.

The dog wasn’t quite sure what to make of the snow.

Reading time.

Vegetarians, please avert your gaze.

Another week, another kebab.

A spot of sunbathing.

There have been some ascetically pleasing sunrises here of late.

Have a good weekend.

5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour.

Jan 22 2021

Not a lot’s been going on this week, so it’s back to the trusted topic that is books. The following five books all contain dark humour. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Suttree

This brutal, bleak and at times humorous episodic tome (600+ pages) is a must for all dark fiction aficionados.

My Review: Cornelius Suttree resides in a dilapidated houseboat on the Tennessee River, on the edge of Knoxville. He ekes out a living fishing in its murky waters; his primary …(more)

Disaster Inc.

Disaster Inc is the first instalment in a series by former Irish stand-up comedian and successful television writer Caimh McDonnell.

My Review: Bunny McGarry is an Irishman in America on a mission to find someone. Hungover one morning, he is having breakfast at a diner, when …(more)

Survivor

Survivor is an innovative and erudite social commentary, brimming with satirical observations and irreverent humour.

My Review: Tender Branson, the last survivor of the Creedish Church cult, has hijacked an aeroplane, which is now flying on autopilot. His objective: to dictate his life story onto …(more)

A Decent Ride

This is one of Welsh’s lighter books. Its seediness, humour and bawdy Leith vernacular dialogue will appeal to many.

My Review: Terry ‘Juice’ Lawson is an Edinburgh taxi driver who moonlights as a porn actor and drug fixer. Since losing his virginity at the age of eleven, he has …(more)

My Sister, The Serial Killer

The intriguing premise, darkly humorous elements and dialogue-heavy content make for an enduring combination.

My Review: Twins Koredie and Ayoola are very different. Conscientious Korede is a senior nurse in a hospital while the beautiful Ayoola is …(more)

Sweets, Sport, Scenery & Submission.

Jan 15 2021

When it comes to cake, I tend to stick to chocolate. But variety is the spice of life, so they say. The other day, I had a sponge cake for a change. It was a birthday cake – not mine. It was rich and delicious.

Last Sunday, I indulged in some FA Cup in the bath. Tottenham Hotspur vs Marine. Very much a case of David vs Goliath. It wasn’t particularly entertaining.

I really appreciate being able to get outside during Lockdown.

My dog’s always been a fan of this spot. Last time I clambered up here, I fell off. The moss is pretty slippery when it’s wet. I won’t be trying it again anytime soon.

Green tea – one of life’s little pleasures. Rarely go a day without drinking the stuff.

A new author for a new year. This is the first book I’ve read by arrogant Frenchman and Islamophobe Houellebecq. Quite enjoying it so far.

Have a good weekend.

Archive - 2021

Gardening, Griping, Guzzling & German

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Mangetout: My New Book Is Out

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Mangetout: Coming Soon

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Meals, Mangetout & More

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Walking, Sleeping, Eating, Reading & Writing.

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Mangetout Blurb Reveal

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Mangetout Cover Reveal & A New Blurb.

Escape to the future with this hilarious and thought-provoking read.

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Snow, Snacks, Steaks & Sunrises.

Like this:

5 Good Books Containing Dark Humour.

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Sweets, Sport, Scenery & Submission.

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Archive - 2021

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