Category - Amazon

1
Under Lockdown And Looking For Something To Do?
2
12 Hilarious One Star Book Reviews
3
12 Entertaining One Star Book Reviews
4
Amazon’s Review Purge
5
12 Unfortunate Book Titles
6
Bizarre Female Author Facts
7
Symbiosis Sale Ends Today
8
My Book Industry Ramblings
9
Future of the Book
10
The Evolution of Books

Under Lockdown And Looking For Something To Do?

If the answer to the headline is yes, I have a solution for you, albeit a temporary one. My book Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future is FREE on Amazon (Today & Tomorrow).

The future may not be bright but it’s hilarious.

(40,251 words/2.5 hours)

Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon CA, Amazon AU


‘The book will certainly have you turning the pages to see what happens next’ – The Daily Squib

‘… in Tomorrow’s World Guy has seen the writing on the wall. And it’s in emojis’ – Adam Riley (comedian) 

Like all great visionary satires, the book takes our current foibles and obsessions to their logical, gruesome and absurd conclusions. And it’ll make you laugh out loud along the way.

‘I binge watched Black Mirror a while back and that show was ‘Dark Humour’ very much in the same vein’ – Goodreads Reviewer

Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon CA, Amazon AU

Let’s hope this Covid-19 induced lockdown blows over soon and everything returns to normal. Normal might not have been great but it beats this. Take care and stay safe.




12 Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

It has been a while since I devoted a blog post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here are 12 more one star book reviews that I find amusing and I hope you will too.

The Iliad by Homer – ‘You may have seen the movie Troy with Brad Pitt as Achilles, but it is quite different than the book.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – Wuthering Heights is the worst! Everyone is mean and it has an awful ending …’

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘Though I’ve read many bad books, none can compare with this trite, contrived piece of work.’

A Room With a View by E.M. Forster – ‘Please don’t waste your time on this book. Read something from Michael Crichton instead.’

The Bible – ‘If you can stomach the genocide, infanticide, rape and killings then the Bible is for you. I will be sticking to Game of Thrones.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – ‘This book reminds me of one of those really old stinky cheeses.’

The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner – ‘Please, don’t insult my intelligence.’

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens – ‘HORRID!!! This book was literally the worst thing that’s happened in my whole entire life.’

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley – ‘If you like really long, detailed, poorly written soap operas you may like this book.’

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy –  
‘How can anybody like this book? Whoever said this is the best classic ever written must be truly brain-dead. What could be enjoyable about a book that primarily consists of a guide on:
a) how to cut grass,
b) how to hunt bear, and
c) how to abandon your own kid for a gigolo.

If I wanted all that stuff I would have read Farmers Almanac.’ 

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – ‘Had Melville cut this book down to about 25 pages, that would be bearable.’

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo – ‘It’s just a black hole of time …’







12 Entertaining One Star Book Reviews

This week’s post is dedicated to more amusing one star book reviews. I have previously devoted two posts to the subject. I found the following reviews entertaining, and I hope you will too.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This is a tough book to read unless you understand several languages and are on LSD.’

The Bible – ‘Author is erratic in his writing, the plot goes nowhere, the characters are clearly plagiarised from other books of its genre, it is gory and certainly not recommended for children.’

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë – ‘There’s only one word to sum up this ‘classic’ and that is BORING!’

The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald – ‘Classic garbage. Just because things are old or well-known, doesn’t mean they are worthwhile.’ 

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘… it was so tedious …’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘… utterly awful leaving a truley bitter taste in my mouth.’

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – ‘… it sucks balls and its hard to read there should be pictures and bigger writing …’

The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald – ‘Now at 70 yo I remember why I hate this crap for a book.’

Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson – ‘this book is a bad book, is very scary gives you nightmares …’

The Bible – ‘If you can stomach the genocide, infanticide, rape and killings then the Bible is for you. I will be sticking to Game of Thrones.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger – ‘I’d let Alex from A Clockwork Orange babysit my daughter before I’d spend a single minute with this over-hyped, chickenshit boy.’

1984 by George Orwell – ‘… my rabbit could have written a better book.’

Amazon’s Review Purge

It has been a worrying week for authors, what with Amazon’s ongoing Stalinesque review purge. Many authors have had reviews removed for their books, and some have lost all their reviews. For authors who have spent in many instances years gathering reviews, this is deeply distressing. The #giveourreviewsback hashtag has been trending on Twitter.

Amazon’s review writing rules change periodically. They now forbid anyone connected to the author (i.e. family members) writing a review. In addition they don’t permit review exchange services, and those who want to leave a review have to have spent x amount on the regional Amazon concerned. I think $50. Whilst this is fair enough many authors have complained they are having ‘genuine’ reviews removed.

To date (cue touch wood), I have only had a handful of reviews removed. My concern and many others is that Amazon has now frozen our accounts, meaning we cannot receive reviews in the future. I am suspicious about the absence of new reviews for the first two instalments in my Necropolis trilogy. I am currently awaiting a response from Amazon about this. Fingers crossed it is okay because the alternative does not bear thinking about.

Here is a picture of my dog. Something outside had caught his attention. Either a bird or the Amazon delivery man. As I heard footsteps approaching I told myself, It’s not the Amazon delivery man’s fault.

I hope you are all enjoying the World Cup. I just got this Panini World Cup Italia 90 inspired mug from Sainsbury’s. It is bringing back a lot of childhood memories.

If you are looking for reading recommendations might I suggest you check out the book review section of my blog. You will find 131 of my reviews there.

12 Unfortunate Book Titles

This week sees the second and final instalment in my ‘unfortunate book titles’ series. Here are 12 more books with titles that many would consider to be unfortunate.

 

Scouts In Bondage

 

The Art Of Taking A Wife

 

Oozing For My Lord

 

A Practical Guide To Racism

 

Helping The Retarded To Know God

 

The Loneliest Ho in the World

 

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

 

Are Women Human?

 

Innards And Other Variety Meats

 

The Humanure Handbook

 

Cooking with Poo

 

Bitch Are You Retarded

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Bizarre Female Author Facts

This week’s blog post is devoted to Bizarre Female Author Facts. I haven’t forgotten about the men. It will be their turn next week.

booksnew

Did you know that:

Modernist writer Katherine Mansfield wore a mourning dress to her own wedding.

Jane Austen never married, but she was engaged for 1 night. She accepted the proposal of marriage 2 weeks prior to her 27th birthday. Austen changed her mind the next day.

Harriet Beecher Stowe (author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin) lived next door to Mark Twain.

Agatha Christie came to have a strong disliking for her creation Hercule Poirot.

Dorothy Parker’s epitaph reads — Excuse my dust.

Agatha Christie

Jane Austen was the first person known to have used the word ‘outsider’.

Zadie Smith spent the best part of 2 years writing and rewriting the first 20 pages of her novel, On Beauty.

Romance author Ida Pollock is widely considered to be the World’s oldest ever author. She died aged 105, just weeks before her 125th book was published.

It took Helen Hooven Santmyer 50 years to pen And Ladies of the Club.

Virginia Woolf was the granddaughter of novelist William Makepeace Thackeray.

By her late 30s Emily Dickinson was so reclusive that she rarely left her house and spoke to visitors from the other side of her closed front door.

Emily Dickinson

Maya Angelou’s writing routine entailed travelling to a bare hotel room every morning, where she would write until about 2 p.m.

Agatha Christie’s favourite food was Devonshire Cream.

Helen Hoover Santymeyer was 88 when her seminal work And Ladies of the Club was published.

Dorothy Straight is on record as being the youngest published author ever. At the age of 4 she wrote a story for her grandmother, which went on to be published when she was 6.

Author and essayist Flannery O’Connor not only wrote at the same time every day, but also in the same place. That special place was facing her blank wood dresser, which provided no distractions.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

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Symbiosis

Symbiosis Sale Ends Today

Get my Psychological Thriller Symbiosis today for only 99c/99p (Usual Price: $3.99/£2.86). Available from Amazon (US & UK).

Symbiosis

Perceptive and poignant, Symbiosis explores our enduring fascination with twins and the complexities of twinship.

Identical twins Talulah and Taliah have never been apart. Viewed as curiosities by children and adults alike, they coexist in an insular world with their own secret language. But being identical doesn’t necessarily mean being equal…

Soon a series of momentous events will send Talulah and Taliah spiralling out of control, setting them on a collision course with a society that views them as two parts of a whole. Will their symbiotic relationship survive?

Symbiosis was released at the end of January.

Symbiosis

Sale ends today Tuesday April 12th.

Amazon US (99c) & Amazon UK (99p) — also available in paperback.

 

 

My Book Industry Ramblings

Of late I have been devoting my weekly blog posts to my new psychological thriller, Symbiosis (released last Thursday). Click here to read the reviews. In preparation for the release of Symbiosis I conducted some book industry research, some of which I relay here. I hope you find it interesting.

Amazon6

The bestselling adult Fiction printed book of 2015 was Go Set a Watchman by Harper Lee. Total units sold in 2015: 1,599,189.

Amazon’s bestselling book of 2015 was The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. It is set to become a film starring Emily Blunt later this year.

Most fortuitous current book title — Girl on a Train by Alison Waines. Lots of readers confused the title with The Girl On The Train, resulting in tens of thousands of sales for its previously unsung author.

Current bestselling self-published book — A Shade of Vampire by Bella Forrest. Yes, vampires again.

Most anticipated book of 2016 — There are many books vying for this accolade, including The Last Days of New Paris by China Miéville. This alternative history novel is destined to be a bestseller.

Most anticipated non-fiction book of 2016 — Again this is a matter of opinion. There is certainly a lot of excitement over the release this spring of Leonard: My Fifty-Year Friendship With a Remarkable Man by William Shatner. It celebrates the man behind Mr. Spock from Star Trek.

2016

Genre currently on the rise — Adult colouring-in books. I was really surprised to discover this. Did I like colouring-in when I was a child? Quite. Do I want to do colouring-in now? Not really. But lots of people do. It’s cathartic apparently. I’m considering trying one out.

Genre to look out for — Bizarro Fiction is an up-and-coming genre. Bizarro Fiction titles are indeed bizarre. Take Adolf in Wonderland for instance.

The most lucrative genres are Romance and Erotica.

And now for some industry news.

Indie authors currently make up about 20% of the book market.

Amazon borrows are growing at the expense of sales. This is not surprising when one considers that Amazon Prime is now in 38% of American households. The Kindle Owner’s Lending Library (KOLL) is certainly controversial, and some well known authors have opted out of it altogether.  Currently I am a fan. This is because KOLL was primarily responsible for lifting my 2nd novel, Necropolis, from obscurity to the lofty position (yesterday morning GMT) of No.11 in the Kindle – Dark Comedy category on Amazon.com.

 

Future of the Book

The first e-book readers (Rocket eBook & SoftBook Reader) were launched in Silicon Valley in 1998. November 2007 saw Amazon release the Amazon Kindle (Cost: $399). It sold out in 5 1/2 hours. Today, 7 generations of Kindle later, there are 3.6m e-books (including my 2 novels) on the Amazon Kindle Store.

Approximately 30% of books are now sold as e-books. However, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that the demise of the paper book is not imminent. Nielsen BookScan (tracks what readers are buying) revealed that the number of paper books sold went up 2.4% in 2014.

eBooks

(Courtesy of pencanada)

The book industry continues to be in a state of flux. Amazon’s war with the publishing industry (c.f. Hachette) has been well-documented. Amazon (controls 67% approx. of the U.S. e-book market) emerged victorious from the ‘Ebook Wars’, its heavily armed Kindles decimating Barnes and Noble’s woefully under-equipped Nooks. In the UK Amazon’s continued dominance has been challenged by supermarkets (Sainsbury & Tesco). The most likely challenge to Amazon’s domination of the e-book segment of its business in the foreseeable future is from Apple, who are rapidly closing in on 2nd place in the US market.

Whether the future (paper books) will see Amazon delivery drones surging through the sky above the ruins of former bookshops, only time will tell.  With regards e-books, there seems no doubt that subscription services will increasingly come to the fore over the next few years. Bloomberg View columnist Leonid Bershidsky declared last year that the ‘… future of book ownership will soon be an anachronism.’ He claims that the future of books will be ‘an enormous digital library in the cloud, …’

Last year, Amazon launched Kindle Unlimited, a service that entails subscribers paying a monthly fee in exchange for access to around 700,000 books. It has been frequently hypothesised that Apple are poised to enter the fray. This seems likely, considering the manner in which we are now increasingly consuming media content (c.f. music, Netflix etc.).

Amazon6

Another recent innovation, that will inevitably become more popular, are ‘books’ that span different forms of media. In 2014 Rosetta Books published Find Me I’m Yours by author, artist & digital innovator Hillary Carlip. Described as a ‘Click Lit Novel’, it is a blend of words, images, videos, links and interactive elements, which enable the ‘reader’ to participate in polls as well as give their opinions. The story is about an L.A. based artist, employed at a bridal website, who has a predilection for cutting up 2 different cardigans and then sewing them together again (Why? – I don’t know why). 1 day she purchases a camera, which contains a video from a man (hunky/cheesy type) requesting to be her soul mate, but only if she is able to find him in time. A trashy nauseating delightful pursuit ensues.

In the future there will be ‘books’ that will entail reading, watching, hearing and no doubt a tactile virtual reality element too. Each and every 1 of the consumer’s sensory desires will be satisfied. One imagines that this approach will prove to be beneficial in encouraging reading-reluctant children.

Mother calls down from upstairs to young son, ‘Darling, if you read up to page 30, you can play the rest of the book.’ ………………………….. ‘Yes, there’s a monster’ ………………. (sighs) …. ‘Yes, you get to decapitate and disembowel the monster at the end.’

Necropolis

The Evolution of Books

At the beginning there were papyrus scrolls. Later came handwritten bound books. With the invention of the printing press in the 15th Century books became accessible to the masses for the first time, changing the course of history.

Today ebooks and online retailers are revolutionising the publishing industry once again.  The low costs associated with creating and distributing ebooks has seen a proliferation in the number of books being published.

1960 – 8,100 ISBNs issued.

2013 – 1.4m ISBNs issued.

This is largely due to the number of self-published authors entering a marketplace that was traditionally reserved for authors signed with publishing houses.

Printer(courtesy of gallery hip)

There has also been a marked increase in the number of book genres. Yesterday’s readers would no doubt be surprised to find genres such as Amish Fiction, Steam Punk, and an infestation of Romance sub-genres, including Nascar, Amish (again) and Centaurs. So frequently when online am I accosted by book front covers depicting half-dressed cowboys and period clothed cavorting couples in various states of undress that I am seriously considering having a sick bag dispenser installed at my desk. My reading tastes aside, genre fiction, particularly Romance, are performing well in this new era of publishing. Evidence of this is the fact that female Romance authors have been dominating recent Smashwords self-published bestseller lists.

Amazon has been at the forefront of this publishing revolution. Jeff Bezos, a man who was once described as a ‘hyper-intelligent alien with a tangential interest in human affairs’ founded the company in 1994.

Pile of Books

Amazon’s war with publishing is well documented. Most recently its battles with publishing behemoth Hachette has seen Amazon accused of aggressive tactics, including delaying deliveries of Hachette books, halting the sale of others, and displaying banners on their website alongside their books with the words, ‘Similar items at a lower price’, in what could be described as the modern equivalent of the medieval siege. Back in the 15th Century the inventor of the printing press, Johannes Guttenberg, died near penniless due to legal battles over his printer.  What will be the fate of today’s publishers? Perhaps they will be forced to flee their plush offices and seek refuge in the ruins of closed bookshops, as Amazon drones darken the skies above. A more likely scenario is that they will find ways to adapt to the rapidly changing marketplace.

Although some major authors have been vociferous in their criticism of Amazon, many less famous authors, including myself (Charles Middleworth & Necropolis), have welcomed the high profits Amazon offer, in addition to their advanced recommendation systems that have proved invaluable in assisting authors to find new readers.

Necropolis

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