Other | Guy Portman's Blog

Fireworks

Nov 02 2012

Last night having grown weary of watching the build up to The American Elections, my thoughts turned to fireworks. Not surprisingly perhaps as we are now merely days away from November 5^th, when we English celebrate Guy Fawkes’s failed attempt to blow up The Houses of Parliament in 1605. The celebrations traditionally take the form of the burning of ‘the guy’, accompanied by fireworks.

The following blog post is devoted to fireworks, so look away now if you have no interest in fireworks or indeed find them disagreeable. Fireworks are after all incredibly noisy, potentially injurious and a fire risk, in addition to being an environmental pollutant.

Yesterday I discovered that:

1). The World’s Largest Firework display was in Madeira on the 31^st December in 1996. It lasted for about ten minutes and cost approximately 1 million Euros. No doubt it was a contributing factor in Portugal’s current debt crisis. This year Madeira might consider celebrating with sparklers or even using less expensive mini fireworks (see below).

(Courtesy of ww.pyrosociety.org.uk)

2). The World’s Largest Firework Rocket was unveiled at The 12^th International Symposium on Fireworks, at yet another Portuguese location, Oporto. This behemoth weighed an improbable 13.4kg, was 7m metres in length and had a maximum range of 98.37m. We can only hope the Iranians never get their hands on it.

(Courtesy of www.msnbc.msn.com)

Below is a picture of the Gizmotrix, the World’s largest firework shell. It has a 48 inch diameter and weighs an enormous 930lbs. It is launched every September in the town of Katakai town, Ojiya city, as a dedication to the god of the local shrine.

(Courtesy of www.gizmotrix.com)

And below is a picture of what is purportedly the largest Catherine Wheel ever. It has a diameter of 105 feet and was ignited in Malta on June 18^th 2011.

(Courtesy of www.guinnesworldrecords.com)

That’s probably quite enough about fireworks records for one day, so I’ll bid farewell with some well known fireworks related trivia that you can test your family and friends with on Bonfire Night.

Fireworks originate in China.
Fireworks date back to the 10^th Century.
Fireworks first came to Europe in the 13^th Century.
Black powder is the most common fuel found in fireworks.

Click on the link to find out more about my book, Charles Middleworth, a humorous tale of the unexpected. The first two chapters can be read for free, by clicking on the link below.

CharlesMiddleworth(ch 1-2)

Garbage Pail Kids

Sep 28 2012

Last Tuesday – My childhood home is in the process of being sold and this was to be my last visit to the property. I made my way upstairs to my old bedroom to take a final look around. My attentions fell on the large bookcase at the far end of the room, covered in Garbage Pail Kid cards (see picture below of top of book case). For those who are too young to remember their eighties heyday, Garbage Pail Kids were cards that could be peeled at the back to become stickers. Each card depicted a character with its name below. The cards came in packs of two to four, along with a stick of chewing gum. Deciding to remove some of the stickers for nostalgic value, I attempted to peel them off the bookcase. This proved impossible, as the aged stickers came off in strips. As I continued with this futile activity my mind wandered back to a Garbage Pail Kids related memory from school when I was about nine years old.

Garbage Pail Kids frenzy spread through schools faster than the nits and mine was no exception. My classmates and I spent most of our waking hours swapping, inspecting, discussing and lusting after the Garbage Pail Kids we did not yet possess; our young capitalist hearts yearning for material gain. We had become the yuppies our glorious leader Thatcher demanded us to be.

Our only prospect of salvation was to acquire the whole Garbage Pail Kids collection. The problem however was that some cards were so rare, as to be almost extinct. The most rare being Adam Bomb (see picture). A card so in demand that today examples have been priced as high as $4,250 on eBay.

Several of my classmates had the whole collection minus Adam Bomb, but only one of us had the complete set; in fact he had two sets. His name was Abu-Ghazaleh, a Kuwaiti, who in the first year at the school had wielded a particularly meagre collection of an earlier series of Garbage Pail Kids. The discovery of new oil fields in his homeland some months earlier however had led to a meteoric rise.

Every day, after lunch, Abu-Ghazaleh would unlock a security box in his desk and take out Adam Bomb, before parading him around the class room as if the card were a religious artefact. Consumed by a combination of awe and greed we would stare wide eyed at the card and even reach and touch the object of our desires.

One of our classmates, a diminutive boy by the name of Edgar craved this card even more than the rest of us and his piteous pining would continue throughout every day, as he followed Abu-Ghazaleh continuously, as if he were a hound.

Several months had passed when Abu-Ghazaleh finally relented and agreed to part with his spare Adam Bomb. But there was one condition. Edgar would be required to re-enact the poses of four Garbage Pail Kids of Abu-Ghazaleh’s choice and this was to take place in the busy central London street outside the school, one afternoon.

Several days later – we assembled outside in a large circle on the pavement, Edgar waiting apprehensively in the middle. Abu-Ghazaleh strode imperiously into the centre holding a Garbage Pail Kid card aloft. It was Amazin Grace (see picture).

Without further ado Edgar removed his clothes down to his underpants, scrambled up to the roof of a parked car and did the required body builder pose. Passersby stopped and stared at the spectacle. Some seconds later Abu-Ghazaleh, wiping tears of mirth from his cheeks ordered Edgar down, before reaching into his pocket and holding a second card aloft. It was Low Life Lola (see below).

Edgar immediately took a prone position on the edge of the curb, his tongue lolling out onto the pavement. Abu-Ghazaleh was laughing so hysterically that he was quite unable to display the remaining two cards.

Looking around I saw the head teacher pushing his way through the crowd of onlookers and grabbing the partially clothed Edgar by the neck and dragging him away. Edgar did not appear again for several days, as his concerned parents had sent him away to be evaluated by mental health services.

The following Monday in a ceremony after lunch Abu-Ghazaleh true to his word presented Edgar with Adam Bomb, tears welling in his eyes, as the class applauded.

Below is a selection of particularly unpleasant Garbage Pail Kids:

Thank you to all those who bought my book, Charles Middleworth. Click on the link below to read the first two chapters for free:

CharlesMiddleworth(ch 1-2)

Reincarnation News

Sep 07 2012

Over the course of this week, I have come across three very different ‘Reincarnation’ related news items.

Monday Afternoon – I was killing some time perusing the internet when I stumbled upon the headline ‘Snoop Dogg reincarnated as Snoop Lion.’ Having clicked on the link, I was somewhat disappointed to discover that the world famous rapper has not been reborn as an animal with a higher position in the food chain. In fact Snoop Dogg has not been reincarnated at all, merely renamed by a Rastafarian priest on a recent trip to Jamaica. The ‘reborn’ Snoop Lion is abandoning the gangsta rapp that made him famous and will instead embrace reggae. His new eagerly anticipated album Reincarnated will be out later this autumn.

Wednesday Morning – I am reading an interesting reincarnation related article about how Tibetan Buddhists believe that the Dalai Lama can consciously influence how he is reborn. This is the method by which the Dalai Lama chooses the successor that he will literally be reincarnated within. However the Chinese authorities, seemingly not content with interfering with the internet (remember GoogleMail last year) are continuing to insist that there are to be no reincarnations without prior approval from the authorities and these are only to occur within a pre-selected location within China. One might conclude that submitting application forms for approval by the state rather takes the mystique out of the whole natural reincarnation process. Not surprisingly Tibetan Buddhists are unwilling to accept this meddling in their religious traditions.

(Courtesy of www.iphone5craft.com)

On another subject Steve Jobs (Apple Founder) has been reincarnated. That’s according to the Dhammakaya group, an obscure sect, whose teachings have been denounced by mainstream Buddhist groups. Apparently Jobs is residing in a ‘mid-sized celestial castle’ above Apple’s California headquarters. The world eagerly awaits Jobs announcing a launch date for the iPhone 5. There has even been a claim by a man named Snakehealer that if you take a bite out of an apple and place it on an iPad screen showing a picture of Steve Jobs, the image pulsates with cosmic energy (see video). One wonders what sequence of events led to Snakehealer discovering this ‘fact’.

Reincarnation is also a theme in my book, Charles Middleworth, which is available from Amazon in paperback and on Kindle (£1.96/$3.11). Click on the link below to read the first two chapters for free.

PDF – CharlesMiddleworth.pdf

Charles Middleworth

Aug 31 2012

This week I am giving all visitors to my blog the opportunity to read the first two chapters of my book, Charles Middleworth for free. Charles Middleworth could best be described as contemporary literary fiction. The book was released at the end of June and to date it has been very well received.

Charles Middleworth is available from Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk in both paperback and on the Kindle.

The following is the blurb for Charles Middleworth:

What happens when Adrian, an actuary, has his banal and predictable existence turned upside down by sinister forces that he can neither understand nor control? How will he react to a revelation that leaves his life in turmoil? Will he surrender or strive for redemption in an altered world, where rationality, scientific logic and algorithms no longer provide the answers?

See what reviewers are saying about Charles Middleworth:

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’

‘Charles Middleworth is a literary masterpiece with a carefully woven plot.’

Click on one of the links below and read the first two chapters of Charles Middleworth for Free:

PDF – CharlesMiddleworth.pdf

Crabs

Aug 24 2012

Tuesday evening – The restaurant’s website had boasted of a culinary tour of the American South and included a multitude of superlatives, such as ‘wonderful’ and ‘truly amazing’. I eagerly inspect the menu. There is plethora of extravagances, including oysters, lobster, crab and shrimp, in addition to a mouth watering selection of steak and pork dishes. Some minutes the decision has been made to go with the She crab soup with sweet roe and grilled corn succotash, followed by the 12oz Ribeye steak with hollandaise and a crown of green beans.

In my famished state the minutes pass like an eternity. Taking occasional sips from my Budweiser I close my eyes and imagine the forthcoming dish in all its glory. A fresh red She crab, one powerful claw raised upwards, lying serenely in a rich buttery sauce, surrounded by a dizzying array of succulent vegetables (see picture 1).

The waiter approaches, deposits the starters on the table and then retreats hastily in the direction of the kitchen. Looking down I stare despairingly into a bowl of partially submerged black crustaceans, in a pool of murky liquid, becoming increasingly convinced that they are not in fact crabs, but rather some variety of mud dwelling shelled arachnid, plucked from the fetid banks of the polluted inner city river just metres away (see picture 2). There is no visible evidence of the promised sweet roe and grilled corn succotash and I can only assume that they have sunk to the depths.

Foolishly in a decision I was to later deeply regret, I consumed a number of these loathsome creatures, biting through the sharp shells, before forcing down the vile gooey interior with the aid of gulps of Budweiser. Moments later I had pushed the offending bowl away and was waiting with trepidation for the arrival of the steak. It was evident however from the expressions of disgust and the greenish hue on the visages of my dining companions that the dinner had come to an end. We cancelled our main courses and departed haughtily.

EuroMillions

Aug 17 2012

Last Friday – I was watching The Bank Job (starring Jason Statham) on television. Remembering I had a ticket for the x14 rolled over EuroMillions lottery draw, which had taken place earlier that evening, I turned over to check the numbers.

68.8 Miles away in Haverhill, Suffolk – Adrian Bayford was lying beached on his sofa. He too reached for the remote and turned over from The Bank Job to check his numbers. That’s where the similarities ended. For whilst I won £2.90, Mr Bayford was coming to the realisation that he had bagged the jackpot of £148,656,000, beating odds of 1 in 76,275,360.

Tuesday August 14^th – Early afternoon – I am walking along the street eating a Toblerone, bought with the profits from my Lottery windfall cashed in moments earlier at a Waitrose supermarket. On a big screen in the window of the estate agent beside me, I caught sight of a rotund and jovial couple spraying champagne, before holding a giant cheque in front of them in characteristic Camelot pose (see picture). The couple are the Bayfords.

I stand and watch the proceedings, unable to comprehend why it is that the Bayfords of their own free will are walking up to the Camelot gallows and willingly placing their heads in the hangman’s noose. For by waving their right to anonymity they are surely leaving themselves and their progeny open to a deluge of begging letters, con men and the prospect of being overcharged in shops and harangued in the street. And this is to say nothing of the ever present threat of robbery, burglary and kidnap. Then there’s the plethora of other potential problems such as extortion and the unpredictable nature of peoples’ jealousy and greed. Imagine walking along the street with people throwing themselves to the ground in front of you, before claiming you tripped them over and commencing legal proceedings.

I close my eyes and picture the Bayfords, alienated and alone in their new mock Tudor monstrosity of a home, as they peer through a gap in the Chanel curtains at a hostile world where they are now the prey. Imprisoned within this tomb to their decadence, they are too afraid to drag their corpulent carcasses outdoors to the swimming pool complex, for fear of the mass of tabloid journalists swarming overhead in helicopters like angry wasps.

The Toblerone is now finished. I throw the empty packet in the bin and continue along the street, basking in glorious anonymity as the rays of a resplendent sun shine down upon me.

Incidentally the main protagonist in my book is called Adrian though he is a rather different Adrian to the Adrian of the moment, Adrian Bayford.

I am very grateful to the kind readers who left positive reviews for Charles Middleworth on Amazon this week.

National Lottery Scratch Cards

Jul 27 2012

A little an hour ago I was walking back from the supermarket, a shopping bag clasped in each hand. One might expect that my thoughts would have been focused on the city’s forthcoming sporting extravaganza; perhaps even the Danny Boyle inspired opening ceremony, merely hours away; but they were not. Like the greying sky above me my mood was a sombre one; the reason my seemingly ever growing dependence on National Lottery scratch cards.

It had all started so brightly some months previous with my first purchase, a £2 Diamond 7 that had revealed £10. The act of punching the air with delight and jumping up and down jubilantly seems but a distant memory now.

Since that day scratch card purchases have become a daily occurrence, at first it was merely one a day then two and today that has escalated to a variety of different games played at intervals through each and every day. Recognising the stupidity of this exercise I had promised myself yesterday that this growing irrational dependency based around ever diminishing returns had to cease. After all what better time could there be to stop than the start of the Olympics with its promise of excitement, far in excess of that likely offered by National Lottery scratch cards instant gratification. However as I approached the till assuredly to pay for my food items, I noticed a man stacking a roll of £1 scratch cards into a display case, the cards an abundance of inviting iridescent colour. I was unfamiliar with this particular game and I stared transfixed at this new prospect of salvation with a top prize of £100k.

Deciding to make an exception to my no scratch card resolution on this one occasion, I purchase fifteen of them plus an additional two Diamond 7’s for good luck. On arriving home I hastily scratch the cards, desperately pleading for a halt to my recent ill fortune (Last 17 games with no win). Predictably none of the scratch cards reveal a prize. I rip them into pieces and throw them in the bin. There is an increasing suspicion that the promised odds which vary depending on the game from 1 in 4.46 to 1 in 4.9 cannot possibly be valid. Despite this recent run of bad luck I cannot diminish the sense of excitement that these games provided in the early days, the suspense and promise of redemption in an increasingly predictable existence.

Picture two is of a scratched Diamond 7 card with a £2 prize (c.f. Bottom row, one 7 & 2 diamonds). It was apparent from the beginning of this exercise in futility that diamonds are not only a girl’s best friend. I will miss this game the most.

Countdown to London 2012

Jul 20 2012

London 2012 is merely a week away and it appears that nearly everything is ready to go, including:

Venues – completed.
Warehousing – UPS is braced to move >30m items.
Transportation – special Olympic routes set up throughout the city.

Even the weather is towing the line, for after months of nearly constant rain (including the wettest April & June on record) a warm front is approaching across the Atlantic.

And then there’s G4S, the world’s leading provider of security solutions, who were awarded the contract for the security of the Olympic venues way back in 2008. G4S had promised to provide 10,000 staff to secure the games, but merely days from the start of London 2012, they inform us that they have merely 4,000 staff. Actually it seems that I am mistaken in that figure; my companion sitting next to me is waving yesterday’s Sun newspaper inches from my face whilst pointing animatedly at an article about how two of G4S’s staff members have been arrested for being suspected illegal immigrants. That leaves 3,998 then.

Days after the announcement of the shortfall in staff, G4S’s deputy boasted that the company could handle two Olympics; this despite the fact that it is glaringly obvious to everyone else that G4S can handle only 0.4 Olympics. Fortunately the British army will now be providing the shortfall in security for the Olympic venues, so we are all able to emit a communal sigh of relief. A number of jokes have been appearing on the internet about this. You may have already have heard them but I include them for those who haven’t.

Q). How many G4S staff does it take to secure the Olympics?

A). An army.

Q). How many G4S staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A). Six soldiers and a policeman.

With any luck the whole debacle will soon be forgotten and in a week’s time we will be enjoying Danny Boyle’s (director of Slum Dog Millionaire) £27m opening ceremony extravaganza, which will be seen by 80k spectators and an estimated 1bn worldwide. The Olympic stadium is to be transformed into an English countryside scene, complete with 70 sheep, 12 horses, 10 chickens, 3 cows, 2 goats, 8 geese and 3 dogs. Let’s just hope that G4S aren’t providing the animals.

Have you had a chance to hear G4S’s anthem, if not here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4pSztQk2_0

Actuaries

Jul 13 2012

The work of actuaries entails assessing the financial implications of future events. Though their work is conducted in a variety of sectors they are most commonly associated with the insurance industry, where they utilise mathematical algorithms to evaluate risks for insurance policies.

An actuarial career is often voted as one of the top professions in America, based on income, job security, stress etc. However despite the obvious benefits of the actuarial vocation, actuaries are on occasion ridiculed by others. This is in part due to the fact that they are often viewed as being geeks; spectacle wearing number crunchers with very limited social skills and perhaps also because we do not understand the complex nature of their work. Maybe there’s even a little jealously at their high earnings and level of job security. The actuarial jokes I have come across include:

Q: How do actuaries liven up their office parties?

A: They invite an accountant.

And

Q: What do actuaries use as contraception?

A: Their personalities.

Though the ridiculing of actuaries amuses many, we all surely appreciate that actuaries are universally extremely intelligent. The actuarial professional examinations are regarded as the most demanding of any of the professions. Actuaries have even been described as ‘prophets of the future’, for their highly evolved scientific minds are able to offer unique insights into the future based on statistical laws. These are often fascinating; for example how is life expectancy going to increase in the future and by how much and what are the risks of certain diseases and accidents for an individual with a certain set of behavioural patterns.

It is this unique way of observing and understanding the world, in addition to their perceived behavioural quirks that led me to choose an actuary as the main character for my book, Charles Middleworth. His name is Adrian and he is highly intelligent, very well educated and well paid, but also set in his ways and some might argue at times rather peculiar.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/CharlesMiddleworth

Actuaries haven’t generally been embraced in popular culture let alone literature though there a few exceptions. Preferred Risk, by Frederik Pohl and Lester del Rey (using the pseudonym Edson McCann), describes a dystopian future dominated by the insurance industry. Manga enthusiasts may be familiar with Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service, in which a sinister actuary uses statistical data to predetermine scenarios that will most likely result in certain individuals dying.

The Electric Toothbrush

Jun 29 2012

10:12 – Monday Morning – As I walk into Boots (Britain’s largest chain of pharmacy stores), three Boots related facts appear in my mind. They are:

Boots was founded in 1849 by John Boot.
Almost 2,500 stores nationwide.
45% of Alliance Boots is to soon be acquired by Walgrens (largest pharmacy chain in the US).

The intention of my visit is to purchase a new electric toothbrush as mine has unfortunately broken after several years of assiduous servitude. Within seconds I am perusing the electric toothbrush shelf. My attentions soon fall on one particular item, the Boots Expert electric toothbrush 8000. For the first time since the England penalty debacle in the football the night before there is a modicum of excitement. Not only is this Boots home brand toothbrush a fraction of the price of its more illustrious peers (Oral B and Philips etc), but it is priced at a mere £12.49. After analysing its features and comparing it to the others, I am more than satisfied that it suits my requirements. Its features include:

Mains rechargeable.
8,000 side to side oscillations per minute.
Ergonomic grip handle.
2 interdental brush heads included.

I head to the till triumphantly, clasping my new toothbrush resolutely in one hand.

23:25 – I hurriedly cut open the toothbrush packaging and take out the 8000. Despite checking the box thoroughly I am disappointed to discover that the two interdental brush heads I had been promised have not been included.

Turning my attentions to the toothbrush, I take a grip of the rather unwieldy ergonomic handle and press the power button. To my surprise the 8000 emits a clamorous whirring noise, more vociferous than any electric toothbrush that has previously made my acquaintance. The sound evokes a memory from my youth, of the whir of an ailing fan in a dilapidated room in a Third World governmental building, as a heavily perspiring official with bulging eyes stood over me, repeatedly demanding a large cash payment with ever more sinister overtures. Back in the present, steadfastly ignoring this violation to the auditory senses, I insert the toothbrush head tentatively into my mouth. The sensation is not a pleasant one, for the head is too large and inflexible for the delicate task at hand. Contact with the gums proves to be extremely disagreeable. I turn off the offending device and hurl it in the bin. The whirring sound is still audible as I am overcome by a powerful lethargy and fall asleep some minutes later.

Thank you to those who bought my recently released book from Amazon. There are now two very positive reviews on Amazon.co.uk and one on Amazon.com.

Category - Other

Fireworks

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Garbage Pail Kids

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Reincarnation News

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Charles Middleworth

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Crabs

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EuroMillions

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National Lottery Scratch Cards

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Countdown to London 2012

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Actuaries

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The Electric Toothbrush

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