June | 2012 | Guy Portman's Blog

The Electric Toothbrush

Jun 29 2012

10:12 – Monday Morning – As I walk into Boots (Britain’s largest chain of pharmacy stores), three Boots related facts appear in my mind. They are:

Boots was founded in 1849 by John Boot.
Almost 2,500 stores nationwide.
45% of Alliance Boots is to soon be acquired by Walgrens (largest pharmacy chain in the US).

The intention of my visit is to purchase a new electric toothbrush as mine has unfortunately broken after several years of assiduous servitude. Within seconds I am perusing the electric toothbrush shelf. My attentions soon fall on one particular item, the Boots Expert electric toothbrush 8000. For the first time since the England penalty debacle in the football the night before there is a modicum of excitement. Not only is this Boots home brand toothbrush a fraction of the price of its more illustrious peers (Oral B and Philips etc), but it is priced at a mere £12.49. After analysing its features and comparing it to the others, I am more than satisfied that it suits my requirements. Its features include:

Mains rechargeable.
8,000 side to side oscillations per minute.
Ergonomic grip handle.
2 interdental brush heads included.

I head to the till triumphantly, clasping my new toothbrush resolutely in one hand.

23:25 – I hurriedly cut open the toothbrush packaging and take out the 8000. Despite checking the box thoroughly I am disappointed to discover that the two interdental brush heads I had been promised have not been included.

Turning my attentions to the toothbrush, I take a grip of the rather unwieldy ergonomic handle and press the power button. To my surprise the 8000 emits a clamorous whirring noise, more vociferous than any electric toothbrush that has previously made my acquaintance. The sound evokes a memory from my youth, of the whir of an ailing fan in a dilapidated room in a Third World governmental building, as a heavily perspiring official with bulging eyes stood over me, repeatedly demanding a large cash payment with ever more sinister overtures. Back in the present, steadfastly ignoring this violation to the auditory senses, I insert the toothbrush head tentatively into my mouth. The sensation is not a pleasant one, for the head is too large and inflexible for the delicate task at hand. Contact with the gums proves to be extremely disagreeable. I turn off the offending device and hurl it in the bin. The whirring sound is still audible as I am overcome by a powerful lethargy and fall asleep some minutes later.

Thank you to those who bought my recently released book from Amazon. There are now two very positive reviews on Amazon.co.uk and one on Amazon.com.

Bieber

Jun 22 2012

Justin Bieber is the marmite of Twitter; you either love him or hate him. For his legions of fans, known as True Beliebers, the very mention of the infant pop star’s name can bring on a frenzy of evangelical zeal, whilst for Non-Beliebers, it is met by a sigh of derision or a foul-mouthed tirade.

Whatever your opinion of Justin Bieber, he is undeniably the King of Twitter. The young Bieber is the second most popular official celebrity account after Lady Gaga. One Twitter employee commented that ‘racks of servers are dedicated to Bieber’.

Here are some Justin Bieber Twitter facts:

23,579,427 – Twitter followers (at last count).
322,244 – Identical social media messages for Bieber’s birthday in March.
11,000 – Average number of new Twitter followers per day (not even the bubonic plague spread this fast).

Whilst many of us might begrudge this angelic star, with the immaculate coiffure, proclaimed love of God and clean lifestyle so in contrast to our flawed musical idols of yesteryear, it is not his actions that have caused the most offense, but rather unsavoury elements within the hordes of True-Beliebers.

One example of this is when Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth (of Hunger Games fame) recently announced their engagement. Within minutes it was the number one trending topic on Twitter. Yet no sooner had we digested this news when Selena Bieber became a top ten Twitter trend. For those not acquainted with Selena, she is Selena Gomez, Bieber’s girlfriend. They are not in fact engaged and at any rate it is a ludicrous assertion, child marriage is illegal in America, even in Utah. The whole escapade was merely an effort by a large number of jealous Beliebers to steal back the limelight.

There have also been more serious instances, including the case of Mariah Yeater, who after filing a paternity suit against the singer was bombarded with death threats. And then there’s the incident in New York, where Bieber was recently promoting his fragrance ‘Someday’, when a man clambered over the barriers and wrestled the young Bieber to the ground. It transpired the man was Tom Petterson, an undercover cop, who was concerned that Bieber’s fans were becoming rather boisterous and that a riot was imminent. This misunderstanding resulted in Tom being the subject of numerous death threat tweets.

‘I close my eyes and I can see a better day,’ sings Bieber in his song ‘Pray’. Perhaps he would be better opening his eyes and taking action against the increasingly fundamentalist elements within his congregation.

On another subject I have just released my book. Click here to find out more about it.

Olympic Trademarks

Jun 15 2012

The Olympic torch is currently on a seventy day, 8,000 mile journey through Britain (+1 day in Dublin); a trip that encompasses some of the nation’s most remote locations, including the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides and Lerwick in the Shetlands. Each day, jubilant, Union Jack waving crowds line the route, eager for this once in a lifetime opportunity to witness the Olympic torch passing through their community. However these Olympic festivities are under threat, not only from the ever present canopy of grey clouds and the risk of rain they pose, but also from something far more sinister, lurking in the shadows, ready to surface unannounced at any moment. This peril is trademark infringement.

LOCOG officials have had to be ever vigilant in their efforts to protect the Olympic logo and the London 2012 trademarks from a plethora of unlikely villains. Prompt action had to be taken in Plymouth, where a chef in a café in the Life Centre attempted to profit from the arrival of the Olympic torch by creating ‘Olympic breakfasts’ and ‘flaming torch breakfast baguettes’. This was not an isolated incident. At another Olympic torch location in North Devon, Webbers Estate Agents had the audacity to display Olympic rings in their windows made from Hula Hoops, in addition to a homemade torch.

Nor has this surge of Trademark sabotage been reserved only for the Olympic torch’s route. Film maker Noel Clarke was prevented from using the word ‘Olympics’ in his new film ‘Fast Girls’, about a British female sprint team, much to his chagrin. Even the very heart of London 2012 is not immune from these threats. Merely moments from the Olympic stadium in East London, action had to be taken against the Olympic café (founded in 1980). The establishment is now known as the Lympic café.

Prior to being warned about potential copyright infringement, Joy Tomkins, an eighty-one year old grandmother hailing from Kings Lynn, had planned on selling one pound dolls wearing homemade shorts and T-shirts emblazoned with both the Olympic and GB2012 logos (see picture 2). LOCOG please note that this picture has been included for the purpose of warning the public about the hazards of Trademark infringement and not because I am not in collaboration with Mrs Tomkins to profit from any potential sales of these dolls.

Twitter Part 3

Jun 08 2012

(I include the first three sections for those who did not read Twitter part 1 or 2).

Introduction

The evolution of Twitter since its creation in 2006 has been unprecedented in the history of the Universe. Twitter is currently inhabited by approximately 140 million creatures (though it is suspected that some are robotic). This study examines the role of two of Twitter’s many species.

Aims & Objectives

i). To observe, document & compare the tweeting habits of two species.

ii). Use the results to draw conclusions on the given species prospects for further evolutionary progress.

Methodology

One hundred tweets from two specimens from each species were analysed over a five day period. On each day a different hourly time frame was evaluated. (Note: In instances where not enough tweets were present, the team worked backwards in chronological order until the twenty tweet target was achieved).

The two species are:

Irritating Interloper (Vexo Tertius) & Inspirational Innovator (Inspiratori Novitatis)

The Irritating Interloper

Social Orientation: solitary

Habitat: scrubland & rocky outcrops

Diet: carrion

Behaviour: Irritating Interlopers generally tweet in short flurries several times a day. Tweeting is sporadic and occurs only during waking hours. It is very unusual for Irritating Interloper tweets to either be part of a tweeting conversation or to result in one. Tweets are in the form of statements, generally contain capitalisation and usually at least one occurrence of the word I, Me or My (regional variations may apply). Other species’ have been recorded recoiling at the sound of a lone Irritating Interloper’s tweeting call, before moving hastily out of tweeting range.

The Inspirational Innovator

Social Orientation: small family groups

Habitat: burrows are located in open grassland/prairies

Diet: grass & flowers

Behaviour: Inspirational Innovators tweet intermittently on a daily basis. Tweeting generally occurs about six to ten times in any given twenty-four period, during both waking and sleeping hours. Inspirational Innovators are pensive rational creatures, who generally tweet about a single topic, which they deem will inspire creatures with an interest in this subject matter and which in turn will aid their own ongoing evolutionary status in the Twitter sphere.

Tweeting data

Breakdown of Irritating Interloper tweets

Breakdown of Inspirational Innovator tweets

Conclusion:

The Irritating Interloper

i). The research team suspects that the life span of the Irritating Interloper is brief. Alarmingly, shortly after this study was completed one of the research specimens’s disappeared. Despite our attempts to locate it by sending tweets that would appeal to its narcissistic tendencies, no reply was forthcoming.

ii). Static follower numbers are evidence that the tweeting habits of Irritating Interlopers are not appreciated by other species’.

iii). The research team deems that the continual use of capitalisation and/or exclamation marks in tweets is both aggressive and intrusive. Crucially it fails to engage other creatures.

iv). The universally self-serving narcissistic nature of Irritating Interloper tweets is ironically failing to provide them with any tangible benefits.

The Inspirational Innovator

i). It is evident from steadily growing follower numbers and the convivial nature of the few conversations that were recorded that the original/innovative tweets of Inspirational Innovators will lead to evolutionary success.

ii). Inspirational Innovators relatively low tweeting rate is evidence that it is not only voluminous/vociferous species’ that are succeeding in the Twitter sphere.

Recommendations

a). Irritating Interlopers would do well to remember that carrion eaters were generally regarded as loathsome beasts in the Old world. It is evident that this opinion remains in the Twitter sphere. Irritating Interlopers are urged to take a more flexible approach to tweeting and engage with others in order to change this commonly held view.

b). Inspirational Innovators are remarkable in that their evolutionary success comes despite the fact that they are far less sociable than the other successful tweeting species’ documented over the last two weeks. Irritating Interlopers are advised to observe and learn from the tweeting habit of this species.

Comments welcomed

Twitter (part 2)

Jun 01 2012

(This blog post is a continuation from last week’s. I include the first three sections for those who did not read it).

Introduction

Aims & Objectives

i). To observe, document & compare the tweeting habits of two species.

ii). Use the results to draw conclusions on the given species prospects for further evolutionary progress.

Methodology

The two species are:

Continual Commentator (Semper Nuntius) & Convivial Communicator (Amica Garrulus)

The Continual Commentator

Social Orientation: solitary.

Habitat: swamps

Diet: foraging omnivore.

Behaviour: Continual Commentators tweet primarily in the evenings, after completing their foraging activities for the day. It is not unusual for an individual specimen to tweet sporadically at other times. Their tweeting call can be recognised by the fact it is nearly always in the form of a statement and not part of a conversation. Responses to their tweets have only rarely been recorded in the wild. Continual Commentator tweets are generally made up of observations. These often contain opinion.

The Convivial Communicator

Social Orientation: small groups.

Habitat: ranging from savannah to wooded areas.

Diet: Herbivorous (mostly bulbs, roots and fruit).

Behaviour: The Convivial Communicator is a social tweeter, whose tweeting call is audible throughout its waking hours. Its tweeting call can be distinguished in part by the lengthy pause between each uttering. Tweets generally take the form of RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self- promotion. Convivial Communicator tweets very rarely contain facts, quotes, criticism or judgement.

Tweeting Data

Conclusion:

The Continual Commentator

i). The repetitive, tedious, negative and often judgemental nature of Continual Commentators tweets suggest that the species is unsatisfied with its swamp dwelling existence.

ii). Whilst the research team recognises that commentary can be a worthwhile activity, it is to be noted that continuous commentary on the lonesome activities that make up the existence of the Continual Commentator is banal and offers little hope for improved evolutionary status.

The Convivial Communicator

i). The relatively high percentage of tweets that are part of/or result in a conversation is evidence of the ongoing evolutionary success of Convivial Commentators.

ii). The regular RTing of other similar species’ tweets is evidence of an interest in others, which in turn will lead to respect and reciprocation from the benefactors of these RTs’.

Recommendations

a). Whilst the team appreciates that foraging in swamps is an unfortunate existence, it never the less encourages Continual Commentators not to spread this negativity.

b). Were the Continual Commentator to consider communicating with others as the Convivial Communicator does, it might find that other species’ would allow them the opportunity to reside in a more benign environment than they currently occupy.

c). The research team reminds all Continual Commentators to remember that in the old world talking to oneself was viewed as a sign of madness (in severe instances often resulting in incarceration in a mental institution).

Final part next week