Quotes | Guy Portman's Blog

15 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes

Dec 14 2018

Some time back, I dedicated a number of posts to literature’s funniest quotes. This week I have compiled what I regard as the highlights from those posts. Here are 15 of literature’s funniest quotes:

He receives comfort like cold porridge— The Tempest by William Shakespeare

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.— The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

‘Matteo’s not that type of Italian,’ replies Fraser. ‘He’s more the sort you come across in southern cities like Bari and Pescara, dragging an Alsatian around by a tattered piece of string.’— Necropolis by Guy Portman

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.— The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?— Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.— Very Good, Jeeves! by P.G. Wodehouse

It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.— Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome

If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them. — While Rome Burns by Dorothy Parker

If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.— Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays by David Sedaris

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle.— The Man Upstairs and Other Stories by P.G. Wodehouse

If you’re going to read this, dont bother. After a couple pages, you won’t want to be here.— Choke (opening line) by Chuck Palahniuk

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.— The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.— The Algonquin Wits by Dorothy Parker

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
— The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse

16 Quotes About The Future

Oct 26 2018

My new book is being unleashed on the world, on November 22nd. Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future will appeal to fans of satire and dark humour. As the title suggests, it is about the future. I will be releasing more information over the forthcoming weeks.

In the build-up to the big day, I will be focusing on all things future. Today’s post is dedicated to quotes about the future. Many of these are amusing, others thought-provoking, and some both.

Here are 16 quotes about the future:

‘The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had, yesterday.’ ― Chuck Palahniuk, Rant

‘The past is always tense, the future perfect.’ ― Zadie Smith

‘It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.’ ― John Guare, Landscape of the Body

‘The future is there… looking back at us. Trying to make sense of the fiction we will have become.’ ― William Gibson, Pattern Recognition

‘You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.’ ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

‘Study the past if you would define the future.’ ― Confucius

‘The future is uncertain but the end is always near.’ ― Jim Morrison

‘When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?’ ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

‘I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.’ ― Albert Einstein

‘People were always getting ready for tomorrow. I didn’t believe in that. Tomorrow wasn’t getting ready for them. It didn’t even know they were there.’ ― Cormac McCarthy, The Road

‘The future came and went in the mildly discouraging way that futures do.’ ―
Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

‘The past is made out of facts… I guess the future is just hope.’ ― Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

‘I am an optimist. Anyone interested in the future has to be otherwise he would simply shoot himself.’ ― Arthur C. Clarke

‘Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming.’ ― David Bowie

‘The future is already here – it’s just not evenly distributed.’ ― William Gibson

‘The future may not be bright but it’s hilarious.’ ― Tomorrow’s World (Press Release)

Click here to see Tomorrow’s World Goodreads page.

13 Humorous Quotes About Writing

Jul 20 2018

This humour writer relishes humorous quotes about writing. Here are thirteen that have not previously appeared on my blog. Well, one them has, but I like it so much I am including it again.

If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published. – Anonymous

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory. – Franklin P. Jones

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress. – Philip Roth

Long, hard slog today writing the Great American Tweet. (That was it…what do you think? Pulitzer?) – Greg Tamblyn

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.– Christopher Hampton

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. – Doug Larson

Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness … – George Orwell

As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. – Calvin Trillin

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. – Tom Clancy

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. – Fred Allen

The only time I’ll get good reviews is if I kill myself. – Edward Albee

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. – Flannery O’Connor

He does not so much split his infinitives as disembowel them. – Rebecca West

20 More Quotes About Writing

Feb 23 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to 20 writing-related quotes that have not previously been featured on my blog.

To write, or to Netflix. That is the question – Kat Myley

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have “plans” – Mike Birbiglia

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it – Winston Churchill

The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering – Tom Waits

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere – S.J. Perelman

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous – Robert Benchley

Drowning in my own words with only a semicolon as a lifeboat – Jessica Baumgartner

I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me — Ray Bradbury, WD

If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it — Elmore Leonard

An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate – François-René de Chateaubriand

He’d heard that writers spent all day in their dressing gowns drinking champagne. This is, of course, absolutely true – Terry Pratchett, Snuff

Not all writers are silently suffering inside. But it certainly helps – Joyce Rachelle

Sadly, there are writers who wouldn’t know an umlaut from an omelet – Kevin Ansbro

The only impeccable writers are those who never wrote – William Hazlitt

For writers it is always said that the first twenty years of life contain the whole of experience – the rest is observation – Graham Greene

Writing romantic fiction is the second chance that loved ones denied us – Shannon L. Alder

Don’t break a writer’s heart and think ink won’t spill – Ming D. Liu

Writer’s block’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘I don’t feel like doing any work today – Meagan Spooner

Writing should beguile us, not just take us from A to B to Zzzzz – Kevin Ansbro

Even on the silent days, believe your ship will come – Shana Chartier

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20 Quotes About Writing

Feb 02 2018

Here are 20 writing-related quotes. I hope these will amuse and/or inspire my fellow writers.

You know you should be writing. Get off Twitter – Yvette Kate Willemse

Grammar, you’re the pickiest noun I know – Buffy Andrews

Writers, like teeth, are divided into incisors and grinders – Walter Bagehot

Pen-bereavement is a serious matter – Anne Fadiman

Discipline is the bridge between a great idea and a completed novel – T. N. Suarez

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. I say its closer to 675 or 700 – A. E. Samaan

He carried a pencil that put a camera to shame – E. B. White

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind —Patrick Dennis

You cannot write unless you write much – W. Somerset Maugham

Those who write are writers. Those who wait are waiters – A. Lee Martinez

The more you leave out, the more you highlight what you leave in – Henry Green

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress — Philip Roth

Before publishers’ blurbs were invented, authors had to make their reputations by writing – Laurence J. Peter

Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard – Daphne du Maurier

Not a wasted word. This has been a main point to my literary thinking all my life —Hunter S. Thompson

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory – Franklin P. Jones

The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair – Mary Heaton Vorse

Writers don’t have lifestyles. They sit in little rooms and write – Norman Mailer

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write – Saul Bellow

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good – Dr. Samuel Johnson, to an aspiring writer

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20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes III

Jun 23 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my Literature’s Funniest Quotes series. Here are 20 humorous quotes from literature.

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle. — The Man Upstairs and Other Stories by P.G. Wodehouse

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America. — When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Colin is a professional gamer, who also mourns part-time to help with the bills. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. — The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor by Flannery O’Connor

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, “So, you’re back from Moscow, eh? — Mike and Psmith by P.G. Wodehouse

I don’t know how other men feel about their wives walking out on them, but I helped mine pack. — Breaking Up by Bill Manville

Every summer Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu. — Waiting by Ha Jin

‘How do you know about Megadeth anyway Percy?’
‘My daughter Beatrice listens to them,’ says Percy, his voice now taking a sombre tone. ‘She only wears black now and she’s umm well, she’s threatening to become a vampire.’ — Charles Middleworth by Guy Portman

When you have to kill the same terrorist twice in one week, then there’s either something wrong with your skills or something wrong with your world. And there’s nothing wrong with my skills. — Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry

It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful. — Matilda by Roald Dahl

A story with a moral appended is like the bill of a mosquito. It bores you, and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience. — Strictly Business by O. Henry

From politics, it was an easy step to silence. — Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. — The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson by Mark Twain

It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. — Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome

Alice, not his real name, works in the mailroom. I call him Alice because he looks just like the ageing rocker, Alice Cooper. Like the real Alice he sports a mane of black hair and wizened, heavily lined features, but for record sales read envelopes. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

Success in this world depends on knowing exactly how little effort each job is worth…distribution of energy… — Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. — The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams

If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them. — While Rome Burns by Dorothy Parker

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes II

Jun 02 2017

Last week’s post was devoted to 20 of literature’s funniest quotes. This week sees the second instalment. Here are 20 more quotes from books that I think are amusing, and I hope you will too.

If you’re going to read this, dont bother. After a couple pages, you won’t want to be here. — Choke (opening line) by Chuck Palahniuk

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard. — The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker

And she’s got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need. — Mostly Sally by P.G. Wodehouse

O God, make me good, but not yet. — Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

Oh you exquisite little tart — Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters

To my left a Lithuanian gravedigger idly picks his nose. To my right a mortician plays Sonic on his iPhone … In the row in front a morgue rat, his head resting against his shoulder, snores loudly, a stream of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? — Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, ‘So, you’re back from Moscow, eh?’ — Mike and Psmith by P.G. Wodehouse

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. — The Algonquin Wits by Dorothy Parker

Balloon Tying For Christ was the cheapest balloon manual I could find. — Clown Girl by Monica Drake

Waterless embalming baby, it’s the future. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number. — Very Good, Jeeves! by P.G. Wodehouse

If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. — Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays by David Sedaris

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. — The Metamorphosis and Other Stories by Franz Kafka

Free as air; that’s what they say- “free as air”. Now they bring me my air in an iron barrel. — Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

A story with a moral appended is like the bill of a mosquito. It bores you, and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience. — Strictly Business by O. Henry

For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple–I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. — Seven Up by Janet Evanovich

To look upon Irene is to stare into a looking glass, into a world of cheap retail outlets, suburban cul-de-sacs, Sky television itineraries, frozen Iceland trifles and Co-operative Funeralcare plans. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes

May 26 2017

Previously on this blog I have dedicated posts to quotes about reading, writing and publishing. This week it is the turn of quotes from literature. Here are 20 quotes from books that I think are amusing, and I hope you will too.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness — The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde

Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind — Eric by Terry Pratchett

He receives comfort like cold porridge — The Tempest by William Shakespeare

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness — Letters from a Stoic by Seneca

…answers Molly, gleefully yet wholly inadequately; her skills more akin to the baking of macaroons than solving the complexities of the universe. — Charles Middleworth by Guy Portman

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

‘There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?’
‘The mood will pass, sir.’ — The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

It’s just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking. — When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Nick Naylor had been called many things since becoming the chief spokesman for the Academy of Tobacco Studies, but until now no one had actually compared him to Satan. — Thank You For Smoking by Christopher Buckley

As a boy, I wanted to be a train. — Machine Man by Max Barry

I write this sitting in the kitchen sink. — I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. – The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse

One press of a button and this degenerate goes to the cremator to the sound of Celine Dion’s dismal wails — Necropolis by Guy Portman

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression ‘As pretty as an airport. — The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul by Douglas Adams

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think. — The Collected Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker

The trouble with modern education is you never know how ignorant people are. — Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

23 More Quotes about Writing

Jan 27 2017

Here are 23 more quotes about writing, none of which have featured in my previous quote-dedicated blog posts. I hope these will amuse and inspire my fellow authors and readers.

It takes an awful lot of time to not write a book. — Douglas Adams

I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose. — Steven Wright

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke. — F. Scott Fitzgerald

You can fix anything but a blank page. — Nora Roberts

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. — Cyril Connolly

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter. — Blaise Pascal

The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. — Robert Cormier

The road to hell is paved with adverbs. — Stephen King

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. — Dr. Samuel Johnson

There’s not much to be said about the period except that most writers don’t reach it soon enough. — William Zinsser

No one is drawn to writing about being happy or feelings of joy. — Bret Easton Ellis

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.” — Mark Twain

A person who publishes a book appears willfully in the public eye with his pants down. — Edna St Vincent Millay

There is probably no hell for authors in the next world — they suffer so much from critics and publishers in this. — C. N. Bovee

If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor. — Edgar Rice Burroughs

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water. — Mark Twain

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. — Arthur Schopenhauer

I have no taste for either poverty or honest labor, so writing is the only recourse left for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

Don’t classify me, read me. I’m a writer, not a genre. — Carlos Fuentes

You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. — Jack London

A good book isn’t written, it’s rewritten. ― Phyllis A. Whitney

If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers. — Irvin S. Cobb

Easy reading is damn hard writing. — Nathaniel Hawthorne

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23 Quotes about Writing

Jan 20 2017

Here are 23 amusing and/or pertinent quotes about writing which might be of interest to my fellow authors and readers.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. — W. Somerset Maugham

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time. — Howard Nemerov

I hate writing, I love having written. — Dorothy Parker

The scariest moment is always just before you start. — Stephen King

The first draft of anything is shit. — Ernest Hemingway

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. — Douglas Adams

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay. — Christopher Hitchens

A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch. — Kingsley Amis

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. — A. J. Liebling

Poetic license is not a license to scribe recklessly. ― C. Kennedy

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it. ― Mark Twain

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. — Richard Bach

If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. — Stephen King

Don’t get it right – get it WRITTEN! — Lee Child

If you are in difficulties with a book, try the element of surprise: attack it at an hour when it isn’t expecting it. — H.G. Wells

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. — Jules Renard

In the end, you have to just sit down, shut up, and write. — Natalie Goldberg

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters. — Neil Gaiman

The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with. — Marty Feldman

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork. — Peter De Vries

Easy writing makes hard reading. — Ernest Hemingway

As for the adjective, when in doubt leave it out. — Mark Twain

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. — Steve Martin

There will be a second instalment soon.

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