Travel | Guy Portman's Blog

My Tour of Zentralfriedhof

Jul 03 2015

I am fascinated by cemeteries. Previously on this blog I have written posts about the Brompton Cemetery in London and Recoleta in Buenos Aires.

The protagonist in my second novel, the satirical black comedy Necropolis, works for the burials and cemeteries department in his local council. Necropolis features a number of fictional cemeteries.

This week’s blog post is dedicated to my recent trip to Zentralfriedhof (Central Cemetery) in Vienna. At 620 acres (2.5 km sq) Zentralfriedhof is one of the World’s largest cemeteries. I was unaware how large the cemetery was when I entered the facility through one of its side entrances. The plan of the cemetery below gives some indication of its size. Zentralfriedhof is a multi-faith facility that caters for a range of Christian denominations, as well as those of a Jewish and Muslim persuasion.

Here are some graves.

This was the first time that I had come across deaths pending (see below). Rather macabre perhaps, but there’s nothing like being prepared.

Nikolic really liked his Mercedes.

It was beginning to dawn on me just how large Zentralfriedhof is. The below photo is of one of the cemetery’s many avenues.

I was nearing exhaustion by the time I made it to the main entrance, where I came across the cemetery’s primary mode of transport (see below). Warning: Don’t touch, they bite.

A horse-drawn carriage proved to be an excellent way to view the burial facility, if not a particularly economical one. Below is the cemetery’s church, St. Charles Borromeo.

Zentralfriedhof contains a diverse range of burial receptacles (see below).

Unlike the other Austrians I had the privilege to converse with, my carriage driver, who appeared to have the personality of a corpse, spoke virtually no English. The linguistic barrier made me concerned that I was going to miss out on the cemetery’s Musiker (musician) section. I contemplated how I was going to utilise my 40-50 words of German to express this concern. The plan was to go with – ‘Halten Beethoven grab bitte’. I was poised to utter this when the carriage drew to a halt in the Musiker section. The below is a picture of the ‘Holy Trinity’ of Austrian composers.

This is Schubert’s grave.

And Mozart’s.

Here is Beethoven’s.

I forgot all about Johann Strauss. He is also interred here.

The newly deceased continue to be tempted to Zentralfriedhof on a daily basis. And for good reason. But at 300 – 1,500 Euros per annum (standard grave site), they’ll need more than a Co-operative funeral care plan to cover the cost.

I would highly recommend Zentralfriedhof to anyone planning to visit Vienna. Below is a memorial plinth at its main entrance commemorating Austrian Emperor Franz Joseph I.

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My Japanese Culinary Tour

Jan 30 2015

This week’s blog post is devoted to the dizzying array of culinary delights that I came across in Japan.

Osechi (see below) is traditional Japanese New Year’s fare. Osechi are served in boxes called jūbako (重箱).

On New Year’s Day there was also an abundance of sushi on offer.

Noodles are very popular in Japan, particularly at lunchtime. Below is a picture of a bowl of Soba noodles complete with egg, spinach and a tempura prawn.

Here is a picture I took of a chef making Soba noodles.

In my humble opinion Japanese KFC is far superior to the British version, and that is to say nothing of the customer service – read smiling and servility (including bowing). What more could anyone ask for from a fast food restaurant?

Whale meat is still widely eaten in Japan, much to the annoyance of Greenpeace. Below is a picture of whale bacon for sale in a fish market that I visited.

A strawberry and wasabi flavoured ice-cream.

There are a number of different types of restaurants that serve meat in Japan, including Teppanyaki and Yaki Niku (see below), where the customer cooks the meat themselves.

Below are two plates of gyoza. I went on to order a third. Gyoza are delicious but not particularly healthy.

A bowl of eel (unagi) on rice that I had for lunch one day in a traditional Japanese restaurant.

This sausage on a stick (see below) was probably the least appetising thing I ate in Japan. They can be purchased from service stations, and are best avoided.

The Japanese love ornate culinary displays (see below).

And yet more sushi.

A Tour of a High-Tech Japanese House

Jan 23 2015

As I have just returned from Japan I have decided to dedicate a couple of blog posts to my trip. I will return to my usual author/book related themed posts in a couple of weeks.

This week’s post takes the form of a tour of a high-tech Japanese house.

Below is a cross-section of someone’s kitchen wall. I have no idea what half of these do.

The picture below is of a Japanese bath. What more could you possibly want from a bath, except taps, I asked myself as I tried to figure out how to fill it with water.

As I don’t have an engineering degree and only a rudimentary knowledge of Japanese Kanji, it took quite a while to work out out how to fill the bath with water of the desired temperature.

It took me an eternity to figure out how to drain the water at the end of my bath. I assumed that as 出 means exit in Japanese that the button on the left of the control with the symbol 出 would do exactly that. However, despite hitting the button numerous times while cursing loudly, nothing happened. Eventually, after considerable trial and error, I discovered that to drain the bath one must press a manual plunger on the right of the tub. Later when I went to the living room I heard the house’s resident Japanese infant swearing in English. This Ied me to discover that the button with the 出 was a telecom system.

Above is a Japanese lavatory. It can initially be quite alarming when the seat opens automatically on entering the room. Below is the controller for the lavatory. It is not necessary to become familiar with the multitude of buttons, as it performs its one necessary function automatically.

I was so keen to show you my magic trick involving a tap that I purchased a WordPress premium package, in order to embed this video in the post, so I do hope you click on it.

I was very fatigued after trying to figure out the technological complexities of the Japanese house, so I went to the shop to buy an energy tonic. The shop had tonics for just about everything (see below).

My 2014 – An Overview

Jan 02 2015

Happy New Year

This week I look back on my 2014. It takes the form of concise extracts from my diary. This might seem a rather narcissistic thing to do, but hopefully some of you might find the entries mildly amusing and/or be interested in the links to the book reviews/blog posts/YouTube video.

January
Wednesday 1st – Have I ever had a less memorable New Year’s?

Monday 27th – Read and reviewed Post Office by Charles Bukowski. What a great book.

Friday 31st – It’s Tax Deadline Day – &#%!@?£*@%

February

Monday 3rd – February is the most desolate of all the months.

Wednesday 5th – Won £250 on a scratch card.

Tuesday 11th – Plumbing disaster – Water pouring through kitchen ceiling.

March

Friday 7th – Today I published the 8th instalment of my Bizarre Author Death Series. With the benefit of hindsight this seems like overkill.

Thursday 20th – Ladurée café Harrods – Ceylon tea and an assortment of macaroons.

Wednesday 26th – Is redemption merely an illusion?

April

Saturday 19th – What’s with all these gluten free Easter eggs? Are they for people who haven’t punished themselves enough over Lent?

Monday 21st – My first WholeFoods experience. I will devote a blog post to the subject.

Thursday 24th – Necropolis launch day.

Friday 25th – 13 Necropolis’ sold in 1 hour on Amazon.eu website. Could I be the next J.K. Rowling?

Wednesday 30th – Amazon Sales Report – It appears I am not on my way to becoming the next J.K. Rowling quite yet.

May

Saturday 3rd – I eat 3 WholeFoods caramel slice things.

Tuesday 6th – Nike Town – This assortment of multi-coloured trainers are far too flamboyant for me.

Saturday 12th – Suffering after yesterday’s Marylebone/Baker Street pub crawl (x12 pubs).

June

Wednesday 4th – The Gym – Holding my breath whilst deadlifting results in excruciating exertion headaches. (Takes several weeks to recover).

Tuesday 10th – Novella shopping spree in Waterstones.

Thursday 12th – World Cup begins.

Tuesday 24th – World Cup ends in humiliation for England at hands of Costa Rica.

July

Monday 7th – After much wheezing and spluttering my washing machine takes its last breath.

Tuesday 8th – Finished reading The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway.

Wednesday 9th – Hope deserted this launderette a long time ago.

Thursday 17th – Still thinking about The Old Man and The Sea.

Sunday 20th – Catacombs tour of Brompton Cemetery.

August

Monday 5th – The Gym – I am getting really good at these leg presses; I must be getting close to the World record. Oh maybe not – Ronnie Coleman did x8 reps of 1.043 tons.

Friday 22nd – Publish my blog post – My Top 5 Most Disturbing Books Ever – (This will prove to be my most popular blog post ever).

September

Thursday 4th – The Dinner Party – I’ve added too much water to the couscous, this is a catastrophe.

Friday 5th – My weekly blog post – 10 Famous Banned Books.

Saturday 20th – Dinner – Homemade gyoza, highly recommended.

October

Tuesday 9th – Visit Recoleta Cemetery in Buenos Aires.

Tuesday 14th – Dinner – Pleased to be eating something other than steak for a change. A chicken and pigeon combo – delicious.

Wednesday 15th – Santiago del Estero – Northern Argentina – How can it be 40C on a spring day?

Sunday 26th – Go to NFL game between Atlanta Falcons and Detroit Giants at Wembley. I don’t even know the rules. Eat a MacDonald’s, a TGI Friday’s & 3 donuts before 1pm.

Monday 27th – Finish reading and reviewing my first Ballard novel – High-Rise.

November

Monday 10th – Another day another gym mishap – Squashed under bench press, have to cry out for assistance. How embarrassing.

Friday 14th – My weekly blog post – 7 Famous Drug Addicted Authors.

Wednesday 19th – Finish reading and reviewing The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

December

Thursday 11th – Necropolis selling well on Amazon.com this week.

Saturday 13th – See my first Selfie Stick (Narcissist Stick) in West End.

Friday 26th – Spend half the day playing Modern Warfare on the PS4. Is this what a mid life crisis looks like?

Saturday 27th – Passport please be in the filing cabinet. NOOOOO.

Wednesday 31st – 23:59 – In Japan at Shinto temple waiting for the bells to toll for New Year.

My Visit to Recoleta Cemetery

Oct 24 2014

I have always been fascinated by cemeteries. Not only have I visited countless burial grounds, but the protagonist in my second novel, the satirical black comedy Necropolis, works for the burials and cemeteries department in his local council. Necropolis features a number of fictional cemeteries.

During my trip to Argentina earlier this month I had the opportunity to visit the world famous Recoleta cemetery in Buenos Aires.

Recoleta is filled with a dizzying array of monuments, mausoleums, statues, columns, tombstones and obelisks. On entering the burial ground visitors are greeted by the sight of this towering arch (see below), commemorating General Alvear, hero of the Argentine War of Independence.

Iconic former First Lady of Argentina, Eva Peron, is buried five metres underground in her family crypt at Recoleta. This is her plaque:

Unlike the sombre and dark traditional family crypts/mausoleums I have seen in the UK, Recoleta’s are often inviting, glass fronted structures brimming with flowers (see below). A flight of stairs leads down to the death chamber below.

Having shooed one of Recoleta’s numerous feline inhabitants away with my foot, I took this picture (see below). Note the palm tree and the pining angels clasping onto the mausoleum on the left.

Below is a picture of your esteemed author posing outside a family crypt, adorned with angels in a variety of poses.

Below is an austere, angel-free mausoleum that particularly appealed to me. I wonder if my monthly Co-operative Funeralcare plan will cover me for one of these in marble or black granite.

Another interesting burial receptacle.

Señor Donovan seemed very confident in which direction he was heading (see below).

Recoleta abounds with monuments commemorating the Generals from Argentina’s proud military past – a proud military past I was not even aware of. I made the decision it was probably advisable as an Englishman not to question the authenticity of this claim whilst in the cemetery.

Recolata is a truly remarkable and unique cemetery that I would highly recommend to anyone visiting Buenos Aires. Below is an aerial shot of Recoleta, which shows the sheer scale of the facility and the diverse nature of its monuments and numerous burial receptacles.

Fajitas, Fascists and The Future

Jul 11 2014

London – Thursday – I get on the bus and take £2.40 out of my pocket for the fare. The driver informs me London buses are now cash free.

‘So you’re a comedian now,’ reply I, attempting to hand over the money as I do so.

He shakes his head glumly and says, ‘No cash’.

A number of the other passengers nod in agreement. I ask, ‘Why?’

The driver tells me 99% of passengers find it more convenient to pay with Oyster cards (travel cards). My Oyster card is at home.

‘And the other 1%?’ I enquire.

My question is met with shrugging, gesturing, perplexity. I find myself back on the pavement, where I proceed to complain vehemently to any people waiting for a bus who care to listen. A teenaged girl says I can use her spare Oyster card for a fee, which is slightly in excess of what the journey actually costs, but needs must.

On the upper deck of the bus I find myself in a reflective mood, contemplating what it will be like living in a cash-free Britain. It is only a matter of time. In my mind’s eye I see myself aged about a hundred remembering the nostalgic days of my relative youth when money was still used. No doubt I will be met with shrugging perplexity when I tell youngsters about those distant memories.

So deep in thought was I that I missed my stop and was forced to hurry back on foot so as not to be late to meet a friend. We went to a Mexican restaurant, where I ordered chicken fajitas, and my dining companion a seafood enchilada, or was it a burrito, or perhaps a fajita – I forget. There was a group of very friendly Japanese lawyers on an adjoining table, who communicated with us in broken English. There was also a table containing amiable, smiling Spanish tourists, who were also keen to converse. I couldn’t remember London ever seeming so friendly and welcoming. Then I looked up and saw this group (see below). Note the individual with his back to the camera wearing a West Coast Choppers biker t-shirt bearing Nazi insignia (Eagle and Iron Cross).

I was so astounded that I took a photograph of the group, much to the chagrin of the baseball cap wearing one (facing camera). Several of them stormed over to our table and made various threats to our wellbeing, instantaneously destroying the restaurant’s friendly ambience. It was evident from the not particularly threatening nature of their threats that they weren’t genuine West Coast Choppers, but rather English wannabe bikers, which was most fortunate, as otherwise I suspect I would have lived to regret my actions.

Lake Como

Jul 04 2014

Last week I went on holiday to Lake Como in Italy.

After being led on a wild goose chase by my rental car’s GPS system I finally arrived at my destination.

I found the lake to be a tranquil and serene place.

Having checked into my hotel I headed out into town, where I found a bar at the top of a long flight of steps. This is a picture of your esteemed author posing with umbrella half way up the steps.

The bar’s cavernous interior boasted a dizzying selection of vino. There were a lot of customers in the bar and I had difficultly getting the bar staffs attention. I concluded that I needed to utilise some hand gestures, as I know Italians love those, though they didn’t seem to appreciate the ones I used.

Finally I was successful in obtaining a selection of apéritifs.

The below picture was taken on the way out of the bar not in a subterranean police cell.

Ferries are the preferred mode of transport for visiting the lake’s numerous villages and towns.

My first port of call was the picturesque town of Varenna, where you’ll always find a tourist getting in the way of your photo.

Below is Varenna church. At least I am pretty sure it is Varenna church. I saw so many churches that there is small chance that I might be wrong.

Midmorning I stopped for a Peroni, followed shortly thereafter by a chocolate and pistachio gelato.

This is one of the many beautiful houses that surround the lake.

I always seek out the less salubrious side of everywhere I go. In the suburbs of Como I came across this derelict hotel with a view of the main road.

Another day another meat and cheese antipasto.

I would highly recommend Lake Como to anyone who does not suffer from aquaphobia.

The Brompton Cemetery

Feb 28 2014

My second book, Necropolis ~~(Release Date: April 24th)~~, is a humorous plot driven work of dark fiction about a psychopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Due to the cemetery theme I am dedicating this blog post to the cemetery closest to my own heart, the Brompton Cemetery. I was born in a hospital adjoining the cemetery, spent countless hours of my childhood there – walking, skateboarding, feeding its many squirrels and inspecting its grave sites. To this day I continue to live in the vicinity and regularly visit this remarkable sanctuary. Perhaps one day I will find a permanent residence here. Below is the Old Brompton Road entrance to the Brompton Cemetery.

Consecrated in June 1840, the cemetery covers 16.5 hectares (39 acres). This necropolis is one of the ‘Magnificent Seven’ set of cemeteries that were built during this era, others include Kensal Green and Highgate Cemetery. The Brompton Cemetery (originally called The West of London and Westminster Cemetery) came into existence due to concerns that churchyards in central London were getting too full and that they posed a health hazard (London’s population doubled to 2.3m in the first half of the 19th Century). Since 1840 over 205,000 people have been interred in the Brompton Cemetery.

Taking an opportunity to visit during a lull in the relentless rain this week, I came across this fox (see above). The lustre coat of this specimen bears testimony to the fact that it is not only the dead that thrive here.

I am not the only writer to have sought inspiration in the Brompton Cemetery. Beatrix Potter lived close to the burial ground and would often take walks here. She named many of the characters in Peter Rabbit after those buried in the cemetery, including Nutkins, McGregor, Jeremiah Fisher and Peter Rabbett.

Amongst the many famous people interred here is Dr John Snow (see picture above). Snow was a pioneering anaesthetist and the discoverer of the cause of cholera. In 1887 two Oglala Sioux Native Americans, Surrounded By the Enemy and Red Penny, died whilst on tour with Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. They were both buried in the cemetery. To date I have been unable to locate the site of their graves.

The Brompton Cemetery abounds with magnificent architecture including a number of family crypts or mausoleums (see below).

The main character in my ~~forthcoming~~ book Necropolis wishes to be interred in a mausoleum and I think I would too. Seclusion is a wonderful thing in life and one can only assume it is also in death. The Brompton Cemetery’s gravestones, tombs, plinths and mausoleums embrace a blend of grandeur, sombreness and good taste (see below). This is not always the case in modern burial facilities, much to the chagrin of the main character Dyson in Necropolis.

Many soldiers are buried in the cemetery. Below is the memorial to the Brigade of Guards.

The catacombs were originally added to the Brompton Cemetery as a cheaper alternative to burial. However of the thousands of spaces available, only about 500 were ever filled. Below is one of the catacombs as observed from ground level.

The catacombs really don’t seem that enticing as a final resting place (see below)

(Courtesy of www.thebohemianblog.com)

Below is the cemetery’s chapel as viewed from the colonnade.

Surely there can be no better place to be laid to rest in this great city than the Brompton Cemetery.

Some pictures from our glorious past – gallery post

Jan 28 2014

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Aberdeenshire

Oct 25 2013

Last week I took a break from working on my second novel to visit Aberdeenshire on the east coast of Scotland (see map below).

(Courtesy of wikipedia.org)

On exiting Aberdeen airport I came across these remarkable spider web patterns on a hedge by the car hire depot.

Commercial forestry is very important to Aberdeenshire’s local economy. Picea sitchensis or Sitka spruce, a coniferous evergreen tree originating from the west coast of North America has become the predominant species in recent years, replacing the native coniferous species. Sitka’s popularity is due to its rapid growth even in poor soils. Sunlight struggles to permeate dense Sitka forest, resulting in a dearth of life on the forest floor (see below).

Peterhead, Europe’s largest whitefish port, sits at the easternmost point of mainland Scotland. British residents may be familiar with the port from the popular television series, Trawlermen. On entering Peterhead I was greeted by the sight of this fishing vessel.

Seals love the port (no prizes for guessing why). Below is a photograph of a Grey seal that I saw. It was so close that I might have been able to reach down and touch it. Their reported ferocious bite was enough to prevent me from attempting to do so.