books | Guy Portman's Blog

Necropolis Is On Sale – 99p/99c

Nov 22 2019

In the build up to the release of Golgotha (Dec. 03) and for a limited time (Today & Tomorrow), Necropolis is only 99p/99c (usual price: £2.99/$3.39). Available at all major retailers – Amazon US, Amazon UK, Barnes & Noble, Kobo & all the others. As is the case with the further instalments in my black comedy trilogy (#2 Sepultura & #3 Golgotha) #1 Necropolis can be read as a standalone novel.

What is a sociopath to do?

Dyson Devereux’s life appears to be on track. He has a way with the ladies, impeccable good taste, and as the recently promoted head of Burials and Cemeteries at Newton Borough Council, a job that demands request.

But Dyson is becoming annoyed with his drug-addled girlfriend’s decline, fed up with his banal work colleagues, and incensed by Newton New Cemetery’s gaudy memorial structures.

When Dyson suspects someone of having an even darker past than him, he has a chance for redemption. Will he seize it, or is his destiny to be a life of toil in Burials and Cemeteries?

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed public sector.

‘… a magnificent foray into the mind of a sociopath’ – DLS Reviews

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

400+ Ratings on Goodreads

Grab your copy today and discover where it all began for your favourite sociopath, Dyson Devereux. Here are some of the retailer links – Amazon US, Amazon UK, Barnes & Noble, Kobo. Have a good weekend.

6 Darkly Humorous Reading Recommendations

Nov 01 2019

This week’s post is dedicated to six darkly humorous reading recommendations. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

The book’s premise, the superficial vanity of the beauty industry, is used both to explore the unattractive side of human nature.

My Review: Shannon McFarland is a catwalk model, who is the centre of attention wherever she goes. That is until she ‘accidentally’ blasts her jaw shot off with a gun whilst driving down the highway. Shannon is left …(more)

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

This best-selling and controversial satirical anti-war novel is brimming with absurdist humour.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts to be declared mentally unfit in order …(more)

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. This unpredictable serio-comedy’s utilises a blend of tragedy and black humour.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in colonial East Africa, where the British and their native conscripts are …(more)

Necropolis by Guy Portman

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed public sector.

The Blurb: Dyson Devereux’s life appears to be on track. He has a way with the ladies, impeccable good taste, and as the recently promoted head of Burials and Cemeteries at Newton Borough Council, a job that demands …(more)

Women by Charles Bukowski

The concise, visceral story follows the exploits of ageing lowlife and Bukowski alter ego, Henry Chinaski.

My Review: Fat, ugly fifty-something Henry Chinaski is a degenerate drinker, gambler and womaniser residing in downtrodden East Hollywood.
After a lifetime spent toiling in menial jobs, he is finally making a living as …(more)

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

The Metamorphosis is a bleak, existential nihilistic tale that comments on the human condition and the futility of life.

My Review: Protagonist Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find that he has been transformed into a beetle. This awkward situation is exacerbated when Gregor’s boss turns up at his house seeking an explanation for …(more)

Golgotha Cover Reveal

Sep 13 2019

Today, I am pleased to unveil the front cover for my forthcoming black comedy, Golgotha (release date: early December).

I am impressed with the design the team at Ebook Launch came up with. It captures the book’s tone perfectly. Golgotha is the final instalment in the popular Necropolis Trilogy. It will see the return of darkly humorous sociopath Dyson Devereux. I look forward to revealing the blurb and more besides in due course.

The first two instalments in the trilogy are #1 Necropolis & #2 Sepultura.

800 Ratings and Reviews on Goodreads

‘The book (#1) is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a magnificent foray into the mind of a sociopath’ – DLS Reviews

‘… a mix between The Office and American Psycho’ – Amazon Reviewer

If you like dark humour you’ll love the Necropolis Trilogy

Retailer Links (eBook & paperback) – Amazon US Amazon UK Kobo US Kobo UK Kobo CA Barnes & Noble Smashwords

Have a good weekend.

A Personal Update

Mar 29 2019

It’s Friday again. They come around pretty quickly when one is in a routine. This week I have been immersed in my garden, removing bamboo. The insidious stuff nearly defeated me, but it’s finally gone. The garden is now being dug up and landscaped.

This is my agricultural building/glorified garden shed. I am considering doing some of my writing in there this summer.

The breakfast of champions.

The below is cockle popcorn. I had it in the pub the other day. Tasty, but frustrating trying to pierce them with cocktail sticks.

My dog Trigga in reflective mood.

This idea might just save telephone boxes from extinction. I came across this one in Southampton the other day. It is a book sharing depot. Perhaps I’ll deposit some of my books in one of these.

12 Funny One Star Book Reviews

Jan 11 2019

Here is the latest instalment in my amusing one star famous book review series. I hope you find the following reviews as amusing as I do.

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger – ‘I would rather read the dictionary.’

Othello by William Shakespeare – ‘…, the whole plot just didn’t make sense. Get your shit together Othello.’

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
– ‘Would I get into trouble if I strangled Little Prince and his syrupy philosophy. The flower I have already trampled.’

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘… did not read bored in 10 seconds.’

1984 by George Orwell – ‘Attempting to read this book is worse than watching the grass grow.’

The Odyssey by Homer –‘I haven’t actually bought this item yet.’

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain – ‘DO NOT READ THIS BOOK!’

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – ‘… well, well, what has the wolf pulled over our eyes this time. A brilliantly profitable book – but far from a brilliant book.’

Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert – ‘Monsieur Flaubert is not a writer.’

Emma by Jane Austen – ‘It’s great if you’re into that old 1800s kind of Ewwww.’

Othello by William Shakespeare – ‘Me doth thinkift I understandifth … It is English and I am English. I just don’t happen to speak Old English. Which is really ironic because I am old and speaking English.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger – ‘The man who wrote this should be in an asylum.’

That Friday Feeling

Nov 30 2018

I don’t know why I just gave my post the title, That Friday Feeling. Probably because I couldn’t think of anything else. This time last week I was lamenting Black Friday, and comparing it to the Black Death. This week, I want to mention another American invasive species. But, unlike Black Friday this one is most welcome on these shores. If you haven’t tried Five Guys already, I strongly suggest you do so, unless you’re vegetarian or vegan that is. Yesterday, whilst gorging on the below, I tried to put my finger on what is so great about Five Guys. I came to the conclusion it is the consistency of the burgers, which is quite unlike anything we in the UK have experienced before.

After my luncheon, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to find my car in the carpark. This happens every time I go to the shopping centre. When I finally got home, I worked off some calories cleaning my floor. It looks spotless, if I say so myself.

Some good reviews have appeared on Goodreads and Amazon UK for my new book, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future. I could do with some on the US version of Amazon, but hopefully it’s merely a matter of time.

What with all the writing I’ve been doing, I have fallen behind with my reading. I have been rectifying that this week. Reviews of these three books to follow.

If you haven’t already read it, you might be interested in a free copy of my black comedy, Necropolis. Necropolis has been free on all major retailers for a while, but next week it will be re-joining the paid ranks. It is the first part of a proposed trilogy. The books feature meticulous sociopath, Dyson Devereux. The second instalment, Sepultura, was released earlier this year. The third part will be out some time in 2019. Have a good weekend.

12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

Sep 07 2018

Back in July, I dedicated a post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here is the second instalment.

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in many instances amsuing one star book reviews.

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘This book not only ruined a week at the beach but also damaged my self-esteem.’

East of Eden by John Steinbeck – ‘Recommended to me by someone I thought I could trust.’

The Lord of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien – ‘I couldn’t get past all the Hobbit gossip in the beginning.’

Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner – ‘Too many words. Just look at the title, it’s twice as long as it needs to be.’

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘I read the first 5 pages, which usually tells me if I will continue … that’s as far as I got.’

A House for Mr Biswas by V.S. Naipaul – ‘… much longer than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

The Road by Corman McCarthy – ‘If I wanted pompous discourse about the meaning of life, I’d read the New Yorker.’

The Railway Children by Edith Nesbit – ‘It drives me crazy how the railway station is so meaningful and important when it’s only visited, like, twice in the entire 188 pages. I went to the Brooklyn Public Library but people don’t call me ‘The Library Child.’

The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch – ‘If I have to read one more simile-laden description of the sea I shall scream.’

Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut – ‘… maybe the problem is me.’

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger – ‘And as for the ducks the protagonist is always asking about? They fly away because it’s winter, and they’re ducks. They’re migrating. It’s a bad symbol, and everyone in the book, including Holden, should understand migration. It’s no big secret.’

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – ‘If this book was a horse, I would shoot it!’

I hope you found these reviews entertaining. I will probably do a further instalment or two at some point. About me.

7 Books For 7 Moods

Aug 17 2018

This week sees the latest instalment in my books for different moods series. Here are 7 books for 7 moods/different states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for some short stories? If so, you may like the Kafkaesque:

Rashōmon and Seventeen Other Stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa

A sense of doom and despair permeates this somewhat disparate assemblage whose cynicism, dark humour and tormented, fin-de-siécle tone appealed to this reader. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Mostly good

In the mood for something darkly humorous? If the answer is yes, you might appreciate:

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

This unpredictable serio-comedy’s motif is the absurdness of war. The book’s grave content is laced with humour of the dark variety. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good

In the mood for a classic?

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

Heart of Darkness is a thought-provoking, multi-layered story, about what can occur when man exists outside of civilisation’s constraints. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Challenging but rewarding

In the mood for a quick read?

Breakfast At Tiffany’s by Truman Capote

Breakfast At Tiffany’s is set in 1940s’ New York. This compelling and at times humorous tale’s themes include compassion and nostalgia. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Entertaining and atmospheric

In the mood for some real crime?

Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi

This detailed 660 page true crime classic is about the Manson murders and the lengthy trial that ensued. After reading this, you will feel that you have lived through the trial. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Interesting but hard work

In the mood for some dark fantasy? If so then you might enjoy:

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

This dark, innovative blend of fantasy and mythology explores the tribalistic nature of America’s various beliefs. Its tough and taciturn protagonist will appeal to many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Imaginative but meandering

In the mood for something plotless and poignant?

The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West

Published in 1939, The Day of the Locust is a short novel that is prescient in its prediction of the Hollywood-obsessed society of today. Click here to read my review.

My Works In Progress

Aug 03 2018

This week’s post is about my works in progress. Presently, I am working on two projects, both of which are of the satirical, dark humour variety.

Tomorrow’s World will be my fifth book. It is a satirical book of vignettes about the future. It consists of concise, sardonic scenes that take the reader year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, extreme celebrity worship, virtual reality, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. Tomorrow’s World will be released in November. This quick read will appeal to those who like humour and satire.

I am also currently writing the third instalment in the Necropolis Trilogy. Golgotha will be published next year.

What is a sociopath to do?

Necropolis is the first instalment in a trilogy featuring Dyson Devereux, the sociopathic head of Burials and Cemeteries at his local council.

I am offering a free copy of my black comedy Necropolis to everyone who signs up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter. If you like dark humour you’ll love Necropolis.

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a mix between The Office and American Psycho’ – Amazon Reviewer

Click here to see the 85 ratings & reviews for Necropolis on Goodreads.

The second instalment, Sepultura, was released earlier this year.

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘A satirical gem’

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down …

Sepultura is available from all major retailers as a paperback and eBook.

Sepultura Goodreads link.

7 Books For 7 Moods

Jul 27 2018

This week sees the return of my books for different moods series. If you are anything like me your choice of book often depends on your frame of mind. Here are 7 books for 7 different moods/states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for something morbid?

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

This non-fiction work explores the more unfamiliar scenarios involving our dead bodies. The author applies a light approach to explore a taboo subject matter. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Intriguing for the most part

Fed up with the joys of summer? If so, then I suggest:

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Whilst the morose subject matter (gulags) will not appeal to everyone, this reader is of the opinion that One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is one of the best books ever written. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Exceptional

In the mood for some satire? If the answer is yes, you might like:

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good but rambling

Are you after something darkly humorous and free?

Necropolis by Guy Portman

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed public sector. It is the first part of a trilogy. Click here to claim your free copy.

My Opinion: Is biased

Feel like reading something iconic and controversial:

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

This cult classic consists of an inter-related collection of six stories set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. Its candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics have been lauded by many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Memorable

Do you require something sleep-inducing? Perhaps you are finding it hard to get to sleep on these sultry summer nights. Well, I have a solution:

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater

Published in 1821, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater is widely regarded as being the forefather of addiction literature. Its prose is ornate and grandiloquent. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Turgid and extremely dull

In the mood for a Transgressive tome?

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction set in the 1980s. It is the prequel to Trainspotting The book’s main focus is its colourful characters increasing obsession with heroin. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Long but good

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Necropolis Is On Sale – 99p/99c

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6 Darkly Humorous Reading Recommendations

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Golgotha Cover Reveal

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A Personal Update

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12 Funny One Star Book Reviews

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That Friday Feeling

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12 Amusing One Star Book Reviews

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7 Books For 7 Moods

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My Works In Progress

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7 Books For 7 Moods

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