Charles Middleworth | Guy Portman's Blog

Tax Return Deadline Day

Jan 31 2014

Friday 13:05 – The Supermarket Queue

I am clasping a basket containing some oranges, six eggs and a newspaper. Whilst I wait I contemplate what I will blog about this afternoon, prior to being collected by a friend at 15:45, destination the countryside. My weekly blog post goes out at 16:03 every Friday. I am stringent about this; it must be 16:03. Perhaps my blog will be the final instalment of my Bizarre Author Deaths series, or possibly my proposed Amazon KDP Select promotion for Charles Middleworth, my humorous and insightful novel about an actuary named Adrian, or something about my forthcoming book Necropolis, or perhaps…. I am at the front of the queue. I place the basket in front of the checkout person.

‘Good afternoon,’ she says.
‘Ten silk cut purple.’
Turning to the cigarette shelves she reaches out and clasps a packet.
‘Not those, the purple ones ………… yes those.’

Something catches my attention on the back page of my newspaper. It is not the football transfer day related headline that grabs me, but the date printed at the top of the page. I bend towards it, muttering, ‘no no please no,’ as I do so. Despite drawing ever closer, the date still reads, January 31st. Perhaps it is a misprint. Looking up I ask the checkout woman, ‘Please tell me its not January 31st, tax return deadline d-a-y?’ the words petering out towards the end.

‘It’s January 31st,’ she states somewhat gleefully.
Turning around I am faced by the next in line in the queue, a sombre suited man. ‘Tell me it’s not,’ I say in a pleading tone.
‘It’s January 31st,’ he says.

I take my iPhone from my pocket. It too states it is January 31st. And then I am throwing my items into a shopping bag, snatching my change and running for home, lamenting as I go how tax return day could have snuck up so stealthily, without the slightest concern for my wellbeing, me who always has everything meticulously planned well ahead of time. There is no way I am paying the fine for a late filing of my return, not this year. Due to time constraints my blog post will have to be about my quest to get my tax return done on time. As I run let me explain the need for such haste. The house where I am staying in the countryside is fairly remote and has no internet, the only internet is twenty minutes away in the ah the ah local ah ah town …. in the ah ah the public, the public ah ah library, next to the ah ah supermarket and it ah ah ah closes at six or seven and it is too ah ah far away ah ah … to, to ah ah make on time, as it ah ah three ah hours drive ah from London. It’s ah ah ah now or ah never for ah ah ah complet…ing the ah return….

At home I rummage through my filing cabinet, scouring for anything vaguely resembling tax related paper work. Receipts, statements, last year’s returns, pages of notes, more receipts – all are extracted at a feverish pace. My end of year bank statements are nowhere to be seen – panicked I scour the contents of the cabinet again – to no avail. Then I remember I have online banking.

2 mins later – The page does not load. I wait pleading for what seems an eternity, hitting the return button with increasing ferocity. Still the page does not load. The modem’s orange flashing light reveals there is a problem. ‘Not here not now,’ I shout aloud whilst shaking the modem vigorously with one hand, as if it were a maraca. It does not respond. I set off at haste for the bank.

13:23 – The Bank
2 hours 22 mins until Departure
11 hours 37 mins until Tax Deadline
2 hours 40 mins until Blog Post Deadline

The queue stretches almost to street. Wintery gusts of wind howl through the door, as I bend down hands on knees fighting for breath.

The minutes pass like an eternity, five…………ten…………….fifteen…………sixteen………..seventeen. I am now next in-line. A customer is walking away from till 1. I approach. The cashier is walking off. Despite my loud protestations she continues, a mere shrug of the shoulders her only response. Crumpling a piece of paper in one hand, I wait patiently, pacing in circles as I do so. The customer at till 2 – a smiley female in a garish anorak holding one of those shopping wheeled trolley (c.f. similar to the one in the picture but with a floral pattern) is chatting with the cashier about the weather and the forthcoming weekend, banalities that have no relation to banking. Why now when I am in such a rush does the impersonal, unfriendly nature of the city have to desert me. It is as if these two are chatting in the friendly village shop. I clap my hands. The woman turns. She glowers at me. I tap my wrist where a watch would be, if I had one, with the index finger of my right hand before doing a fast-forward rolling motion with my arms. It is quite sometime before she leaves, trolley trailing behind her.

(Courtesy of www.goognightlittlespoon.com)

15:27 – Home
18 mins until Departure
8 hours 33 mins until Tax Deadline
35 mins until Blog Post Due

Completing fields related to income and tax, calculating complex calculations, estimates, creating equations, cross referencing previous years – I navigate the Inland Revenue’s self assessment online tax return form with a consummate ease, in a similar manner to how my protagonist, actuary Adrian would in my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth (Available from Amazon in paperback/Kindle). Periodically I alternate to Word and type this blog post at a feverish pace, all the while keeping a close eye on the relentlessly ticking clock. Multi-tasking is my middle name. In our hectic modern world this is an essential attribute, and I am its number one exponent, I also have great timekeeping skills and always exude a calm, composed professional air in everything I do, even when under intense pressure such as now.

The Inland Revenue states at the top of the page how far one is into the return:

30% complete, ………….. 50% …………80% …………….. 90%

The page is not responding and I am left languishing at 90%. I hit the return key several times – still it does not respond. A flickering orange light flashing on the modem confirms my worst fears. I thump my fist on the desk and then mutter an Our Father and two quick Hail Marys’. The modem light turns green. In no time at all I am checking my completed tax return – cross referencing amounts, checking figures, liabilities, net, gross and estimated figures. I press send. The page is sending, sending, sending…sent. I punch the air victoriously and then it is back to the blog. Yes that picture of the HM Revenue and Customs logo is appropriate (see picture) and that one of the trolley with wheels will do (see picture 2) .

15:42
3 mins until Departure
8 hours 18 mins until Tax Deadline
20 mins until Blog Post Due

The doorbell rings. I open the window and shout out, ‘one minute’. Back in my revolving office chair, I scour the blog post for typos, reduce the size of the images by 30%, insert tags, categories and schedule it for 16:03.

……………………………. UPDATE – 2 mins until blog post due – I am furiously typing this blog post update on my friend’s iPad in the car, hurrying to get it done by my 16:03 deadline. 18 minutes ago when I finished the post, I grabbed my suitcase, ran down the stairs and out the front door, slamming it behind me. Standing in the near freezing, cold precipitation, I realised I had forgotten my coat. I reached into my pocket for the house keys to let myself back in. They were not in my pocket. I was locked out. My wallet is in my coat pocket. Looking up at my friend I explain that I will have to borrow money from him for this weekend. The smile dissipates from his face. In the car he hands me an iPad, instructing me in no uncertain terms that I am to transfer money to his bank account before he lends me any. After I finish this blog post extension I will do exactly that. He has 3G you see, so I can use the internet in the car, which means I could probably have completed my tax return here in the passenger seat and I needn’t have been in such a hurry after all….

Twitter Reflections

Jan 17 2014

December 27^th 2011 – Feeling somewhat lethargic after what had been a fairly gluttonous Christmas period, I lay beached on the sofa, remote clasped in one hand, idly flicking through the TV channels. There were only two programmes that even vaguely stimulated my interest. I decided to Tweet this information to the world. The Tweet read:

‘Choices, choices – Kim Jong-il’s state funeral or George of the Jungle with Brendan Fraser?’ #Jong-il #BrendanFraser

It was a defining moment, as this was the first Tweet I had ever sent. No one responded, perhaps because I didn’t have any Followers back then. A little over two years, 4,010 Followers and 7,437 Tweets later I find myself reflecting on my time spent in the Twitter sphere. A period that has witnessed some truly remarkable Twitter events, none more so than the medium’s pivotal role in the Arab Spring.

These Twitter facts pay testimony to the influence of the social media behemoth.

1 Billion – Registered Twitter Users.
500 Million – Average Number of Tweets sent per Day.

So fascinated with this microcosm of society did I become that I was soon writing extensively about Twitter here on my blog, including posts about the various species that inhabit Twitter, Twitter annoyances, Twitter viruses, how authors use Twitter to promote their books and much more besides.

I’ve seen it all – the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good – Making Twitter friends, particularly fellow authors. Taking part in entertaining conversations. Sharing interesting and entertaining information with others and vice versa. Utilising Twitter as a curated news feed to get breaking news.

The Bad – #TeamFollowBack. ‘10,000 Followers for $5’ type spam Twitter accounts, more often than not from an account with a profile pic of an under-age looking South East Asian girl acting as jail bait. Incessant Repeater Tweeters (e.g. authors saying things like ‘BUY NOW’ and ‘PRIZE WINNER!’ – more often than not complete with capitalisation and exclamation marks, in some instances I have seen promotional Tweets repeated up to x200 per day).

The Ugly – Justin Bieber.

What have I learnt from my Twitter experiences? As an author I was keen to use the medium to promote my book, Charles Middleworth, a humorous tale of the unexpected. These are the lessons I have learnt:

There is no correlation between book sale pitch related Tweets and books sales.
Twitter can be a useful tool in referring traffic to one’s blog (12% of my blog traffic is referred by Twitter).
Increasing Follower numbers does not necessarily equate to more sales, leads, blog traffic etc.

With my second book, Necropolis, a work of dark humour, due to launch the week of April 21^st, I have been considering my future use of the medium. These are my conclusions.

Future Use:

Utilise a personal/distinctive voice to stand out from the crowd as opposed to add to the clamour.
Avoid ‘Buy Now’ type Tweets and instead promote book through event/promotion announcements at the appropriate time (i.e. book launch, Amazon KDP, goodreads giveaway).

Comparisons with other social media platforms (my experience):

Google+ to date has been more effective in driving traffic to my blog (Tangible Evidence: 15% of blog traffic this quarter – Intangible: weight of evidence suggesting Google+ presence improves google search engine ranking).
goodreads – More effective than Twitter for promoting my book, communicating with readers, improving visibility and measuring results. (Supporting Evidence: Recent Charles Middleworth giveaway had 824 entries, with 319 people adding to their to-read list).

Christmas Book Stampede

Dec 20 2013

With approximately 14% of the year’s total book sales being made in the final four weeks of the year, the Christmas period is crucial for the publishing industry.

Today’s blog post looks at some of the titles expected to compete with my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth, for centre stage this festive period. Here in the UK, the bookies anticipate that the following three books will be found jammed into stockings and underneath Christmas trees in greater numbers than any other this year.

(Courtesy of Cogito Books)

In order they are:

1). Alex Ferguson: My Autobiography

Comment: You know its Christmas when everywhere you turn a sport star/celebrity stares back at you from a shiny front cover, a beaming smile upon their countenance. This year the former Manchester United manager’s imaginatively titled memoir is expected to give the hairdryer treatment to all challengers (by mid-December it had already sold over 79,000 hardback copies).

2). Save With Jamie: Shop Smart, Cook Clever, Waste Less by Jamie Oliver

Comment: Middle age and an expanding girth has done nothing to dampen the nation’s appetite for everything Jamie. Could the pucker chef top the Christmas bestseller charts for the fourth year in a row?

3). Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy – Helen Fielding

Comment: Oh no not again, haven’t we all had enough Bridget Jones for one lifetime. Evidently I am in the minority on this.

The popularity of these three titles is not a big surprise, especially the inclusion of Jamie Oliver, whose annual Christmas cookbooks have become as predictable as a visit from Santa. Having featured in the top three Christmas bestsellers in the UK for seven of the last twelve years, to mention nothing of his endless festive period television exposure, it would come as no surprise in several thousand years time if historians studying early twenty-first century man concluded that Christmas was in fact a Jamie Oliver celebration day.

(Courtesy of ContentBox Blog)

Across the pond comedian and Twitter deity, Rob Delaney, is making headlines with the release of his first book, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage. The bizarre titled book is purportedly a comical account of the funny man’s struggles with alcoholism in his youth.

Whilst America has embraced Delaney with open arms, they have been less enamoured with former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin’s, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, in which the geography challenged hockey mom warns of the dangers to Christmas posed by seculars, whilst at the same time attempting to make a fortune out of it. The book could best be described as part theological statement, part recipe book. There is nothing I would less like to find in my stocking this year – with the possible exception of an incendiary device or David Hasselhoff’s album, The Night Before Christmas.

With some claiming that up to six million e-readers could be bought as presents this Christmas, vast quantities of ebooks will also be purchased. There seems little doubt that a surprise Christmas bestseller will be unearthed as a result. Here’s for hoping my humorous and insightful work of fiction, Charles Middleworth (£2.02/$3.29) will be one of them. Charles Middleworth is available from all regional Amazons in paperback and on Kindle.

Happy Christmas

(Click on image to read the great reviews)

Social Media Reflections

Sep 06 2013

Prior to the publication last year of my novel, Charles Middleworth, an insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected, my social media presence consisted of merely a Facebook profile with a couple of pictures (not of cats). Shortly before the book’s release I made a foray into Twitter and have since embraced a range of social media platforms. In this post I reflect on my social media observations to date:

Twitter – A little over seven years ago a Tweet was the sound emitted by a variety of small birds. Today Tweets are synonymous with only one bird, the blue Twitter bird; a bird that tweets incessantly 24/7. To date approximately 170 billion Tweets have been sent by 500 million Twitter users.

As my blog followers know I have become somewhat obsessed with Twitter and have devoted numerous posts to Twitter related subjects, ranging from studying the species that inhabit Twitter, to Twitter grievances including Justin Bieber and the ways in which authors sell books on Twitter.

Observation: The value of Twitter lies in the personal connections one makes, not in intrusive and counterproductive blanket promotional Tweeting.

Facebook – Facebook remains the behemoth of social media with over a billion users each month. Much of the promotional efforts on Facebook revolve around getting Likes for your given page/s. However the value of these Likes is more often than not derisory. Research suggests 99% of Facebook fans are worthless.

It is worth noting that Facebook only displays your posts to a small percentage of the people that have Liked your page. Facebook also charges users to promote their posts after reaching the 500+ Like threshold.

Observation: Not all Likes are equal. The value of a given Like is derived from its origin (i.e. authors require Likes from their target-readership not other authors).

Linked-in – The site’s 238m users take their jobs seriously and turn up smartly dressed and ready to network. They do not appreciate the ruckus of some other social media sites (i.e. Twitter) and expect decorum at all times. Self-promotion needs to be conducted with restraint. Some have argued that the platform’s obsession with stamping down on self-promotion has become overly aggressive of late (see this Forbes article). Personally I do not use the site a great deal but can occasionally be found at one its numerous groups dedicated to writers.

Observation: A great place to get advice and network with others, but remember that the party hat people might find amusing on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest will probably not go down well here. Oh and there is no need for those pictures of your cat – I don’t care if it is cute.

Goodreads – With 20 million members and 2.5 million reviews, goodreads is the place to be to network with readers. I find myself relishing this Bieberless enclave every time I visit. Goodreads is a place where one is able to concentrate on book related matters without being interrupted by scantily clad South-East Asian jail-bait promising to love you long time whilst trying to sell you thousands of Followers for $10.

Goodreads is an ideal place for authors to meet readers; readers being the key word. If one only socialises with one’s author friends on the site, then the whole dog chasing its own tail scenario starts all over again.

Observation: Etiquette is the key word with goodreads. Its users are fastidious in embracing social norms and will more often than not meet unsolicited friend requests and self-promotion with contempt.

Google+ – There is much evidence to suggest that the Google search engine matches search results with Google+. This is reason enough to join the 500m users in calling the place home. It was only recently that I turned up at Google+, bunch of flowers in hand. However I received no love, so I came back with a box of chocolates, but my efforts still went ignored. I am determined that one day in the not too distant future I will be viewed as a valued member of this increasingly influential community.

Observation: Backed by its big brother Google, Google+ is set to grow exponentially over the forthcoming years and may well be where the party will be at.

What happens when Adrian, an actuary, has his banal and predictable existence turned upside down by sinister forces that he can neither understand nor control? How will he react to a revelation that leaves his life in turmoil? Will he surrender or strive for redemption in an altered world, where rationality, scientific logic and algorithms no longer provide the answers?

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’ – Reader

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’ – Reader

Charles Middleworth is available through most regional Amazons on Kindle (£1.96/$3.17) and in paperback.

United Kingdom – www.amazon.co.uk

USA – www.amazon.com

Social Media Addiction

May 17 2013

Social media addiction is an official condition. In London alone clinics reportedly treat hundreds of patients a year suffering from various forms of social media addiction. It is expected that in the forthcoming years social media addiction will become a pandemic. These addicts include Facebook fiends, Twitter takers, prodigious Pinteresters’, Google+ guzzlers and LinkedIn lavishers. Social media addicts are notorious mixers, rarely satisfied with merely one product, they frequently combine the aforementioned and other products in conjunction, in hazardous cocktails similar to ‘speedballs’.

(courtesy of SocialMediaGroup.com)

Researchers have found that social media features such as Likes and RTs’ result in the release of the potentially addictive brain chemical, the neurotransmitter, dopamine, in the same manner as hard drugs. This is certainly one explanation for why I’ve been feeling so high this last week, having got over a hundred new Likes for my Facebook Fan page, Charles Middleworth. I can only hope this won’t be followed by a come down.

We’ve probably all heard of social media addiction by now and if you haven’t I can guarantee you will be hearing lots about it over the forthcoming years. Personally I hadn’t given it much thought until by chance I found myself in a discussion with an individual, who informed me that he had been diagnosed as a social media addict. Keen to find out more about this affliction, I immediately began to quiz him about it. The following is an extract from the conversation:

Me: What forms of social media were you addicted to?

Addict: Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Google+, with occasional LinkedIn benders.

Me: What’s the most addictive form of social media.

Addict: Facebook has the worst withdrawal.

Me: Your saying Facebook is the heroin of social media. How is it so dangerous?

Addict: Excessive Facebook is to the detriment of real meaningful relationships and connections.

Me: Like.

(The addict seemingly does not find my witty Facebook joke amusing).

Me: How are you recovering?

Addict: Abstinence is the key.

(Did I mention we are having this conversation on a social media platform).

The addict is getting restless now, his words are harried and there’s an absence of punctuation. He’s soon making excuses about having to go. But I want to find out more about his addiction and I know enough about addiction to know how to keep him there. I’m telling him I’ll Like his Facebook page and RT his Tweets. This promise of a dopamine fix has him communicating enthusiastically again. In no time at all he’s telling me all about the dangers of Pinterest.

(Pinterest for those that don’t know is a social media platform for sharing pictures).

‘Don’t be so melodramatic’, says I, ‘you make sharing pictures sound as dangerous as sharing needles.’

The addict is soon restless again and having made an excuse about having to check Google+, he’s off, but not before securing the promise from me of a ‘speedball’, consisting of a couple of Facebook Likes in conjunction with a Twitter RT.

(courtesy of VisibleBanking.com)

After the conversation I did some research about social media addiction and discovered that to qualify as a social media addict you have to use the medium for more than five hours per day, which brings tangible relief for me as well as a release of dopamine. However it’s bad news for all those social media professionals out there.

Do you think you might be a social media addict? Take the blueglass.com quiz and find out for yourself.

To be continued next week.

Facebook Likes

May 10 2013

Until last year I didn’t use Facebook much, but shortly after my book, Charles Middleworth was released, I set up an Author Page and begun exploring with enthusiasm, this, the behemoth of Social Media platforms (901m users approx). I realised that I Liked Facebook. In fact as I was soon to discover Facebook is all about Liking. One can Like everything from pages to posts, pictures and comments. All you have to do is click Like and I duly did. I Liked author pages, product pages and lots of pictures, including plenty of cats, dogs and people at parties.

In no time at all I was clicking Like repetitively time and time again. I Like this picture of a cat and that one and that one too and yes I Like that author page and that one, that one and that product page and that product page too and that picture of a tractor. But not you, I don’t Like you, I don’t know why I just don’t. So I bypass that one and I’m Liking again, incessantly now, Liking multiple pages, pictures and posts. On one page I see a comment that says ‘Phone me tomorrow Emma’. I don’t know Emma or who sent it but I click Like anyway. But then I asked myself if that is something you can even Like. However I had no time to dwell on this because I was back Liking again. Product pages, fan pages, pictures, remarks and the list goes on. But then I came across a Facebook profile page with a photograph across the top of a line of pooches dressed in uniforms, with the owner’s beaming face in the middle and this I don’t Like, so I look for the Dislike button. But there is no Dislike button anywhere on the page and there is no Dislike button on any other Facebook page either. So I go onto Google and search for ‘Facebook + Dislike button’, only to discover that there is no Dislike feature. And I find myself asking what is the value of a world without comparison and what does Like even mean in the absence of Dislike. Not much one might argue.

Research on the subject certainly suggests this. Performerinsider.com claims 99% of Facebook fans are useless. Yet companies marketing departments continue to court Likes. The world’s largest brands have many Likes. When I visited Coca Cola’s Facebook page I saw they had 64,357,439 Likes. Make that 64,357,440 Likes. I Like Coca Cola, I really do. So much so that I drink it regularly. McDonald’s had 28,451,803 Likes and I Liked it too, but only because there was no Quite Like button. Next up was Oreos, who had 33,234,940 Likes and I clicked Like again, though I’ve only had an Oreo once and can’t remember what it tasted Like. But we all Like cookies don’t we and 33,234,940 people can’t be wrong.

Whatever the value of a Like the fact remains that if we take the trouble to build a nice looking Facebook page that we want people to visit, it is going to look better with a lot of Likes than with hardly any or worse still none. So we too court Likes and the circle goes one. My Facebook Fan Page is Charles Middleworth. Feel free to Like it and I will probably reciprocate, although there may be rare instances when I cannot bring myself to press the Like button.

If you’re an author on Facebook and want more Likes you might be interested in the Facebook Like Literary Cafe.

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’ – Reader

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’ – Reader

Charles Middleworth is available through most regional Amazons on Kindle (£1.96/$3.17) and in paperback.

United Kingdom – www.amazon.co.uk

USA – www.amazon.com

Twitter Authors (Part 2)

Apr 19 2013

In last week’s Blog Post I evaluated how effective it is in a congested market place for authors to be sending out blanket promotional book Tweets, especially if those Tweets are only being read, if at all, by other authors. Today’s post, a continuation on this theme, will take the form of making generalisations about the actual composition of these Tweets and commenting on their effectiveness.

The following is a simple breakdown of some of the types of Tweets that authors use to promote their book/s, along with some commentary on how effective I perceive the given method to be.

Hyperactive Hash-tagging # – I discuss authors’ embrace of the # so often in my blog posts that it is evident that I am becoming somewhat obsessed by the subject. Authors often utilise this useful Twitter feature so that people searching under that #-tagged term will come across their book. In most instances one or two #’s are inserted, but there have been instances of up to nine recorded in a single Tweet.

Comment – The # symbol is an invaluable feature when used wisely, but surely I am not alone when I ask myself if there is any value in instances like #Book or #Fiction. Do potential readers really search under this term, see your book and then go ‘Yes please’ before pressing the buy button. Surely not. And then there’s the list, e.g. #paranormal #erotica #vampires #darkness #night #mystical etc etc. One might argue that a Tweet gives an author a short window of opportunity to showcase their writing and that a long list of # tagged items is hardly an imaginative or intriguing use of syntax.

Grandiose Claim – This is when authors Tweet statements like, ‘Award Winning’ and ‘BEST SELLER!’. In many instances the author embraces capitalisation and exclamation marks in these Tweets.

Comment: Why not. After all no-one else is going to sing your praises and in many instances these Tweets seem perfectly valid. Take the self-published Only The Innocent by Rachel Abbott for example. The book was selling several thousand copies a day for months on end. However there is nothing in this world if not by comparison and it is evident that the same applies in the Twitter sphere. For examples abound when the BEST SELLER! label on closer inspection transpires to be merely a best-seller in a very small category on Amazon. Does a book ranked number 4 out of a total of 5 books in the Transgendered Retro Vampire category really justify a best-seller claim?

Aggressive Pitches – e.g. BEST BOOK SINCE THE BIBLE – BUY NOW!!! (link) or less imaginatively – GET YOUR COPY NOW! or something of that nature. This method is also often combined with the ‘Grandiose Claim’ method (see above).

Comment: The best adverts on the television are well thought out, directed at the right audience and above all memorable. However even these adverts don’t always persuade us to buy the product. So what are the chances of an unknown author successfully selling books by demanding potential readers to buy with no pitch whatsoever. Not great one would imagine.

Dialogue – This is what Twitter was set up for after all, as a way to converse with our fellow humanity without even having to move from the comfort of our desk or to get out of our pyjamas.

Comment: Personally, with the exception of a couple of instances I have only sold books on Twitter through the ‘Dialogue’ method. As it is only when people get to know the author that they become interested enough to buy the author’s book/s. It seems apparent from liaising with other authors who have successfully used Social Media that this is generally how they have also sold books through this medium, unless of course they were already famous to begin with.

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’ – Reader

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’ – Reader

Charles Middleworth is available through most regional Amazons on Kindle (£1.96/$3.17) and in paperback.

United Kingdom – www.amazon.co.uk

USA – www.amazon.com

Twitter Authors

Apr 12 2013

Today during an idle hour spent on Twitter, I noted that a higher percentage than ever of my Twitter feed consisted of book promotion Tweets. As an author myself this comes as no real surprise, as many authors follow me and vice versa. But the question must be asked, is it really effective in a congested market place to be sending out blanket promotional book Tweets, especially if those Tweets are only being read, if at all, by other authors. I have already devoted previous posts to how authors use Twitter, but today I’ll be making generalisations about the actual composition of the Tweets and commenting on their effectiveness.

Of course there are famous authors who have embraced Twitter, Brett Easton Ellis being a prominent example. These authors can Tweet about anything, even their choice of sandwich filling at lunch, as whatever they Tweet their Twitter disciples will lap up eagerly. Some of these followers may even find themselves wondering if the sandwich filling related Tweet is perhaps a comment about post-modernism or global warming. And then there are the rest of us authors, myself included, struggling for visibility in the book promotion saturated world that is Twitter.

The following is a simple breakdown of the types of Tweets that authors use to promote their book/s, along with some commentary on how effective I perceive the given method to be.

Repetitive Repetition – The practice of sending out book promotion Tweets 24/7, 7 days a week. In severe instances several hundred times per day. The rationale being that if you drive the message home and do it often enough, people will buy your books.

Comment: There may be instances where this method has worked, but more often than not it appears to be akin to a dog chasing its own tail – just because it keeps doing it doesn’t mean it will ever catch it.

The Spin Dryer – An author sends out their book promotion Tweet/s along with Tweets promoting other authors’ books. This in turn leads to those authors RT’ing that author’s book promotion Tweet and so the cycle continues, with the book promotion Tweet getting exposure to a wider and wider audience, as it continues to be RT’d.

Comment: As one requires exposure to become well known, it is evident that this method is a logical way of putting your product in front of as many of Twitter’s 140m users as possible. However in the majority of cases these book promotion Tweets appear to be RT’d by other authors, whose Followers also consist largely of authors, not the target readership for the given book. Another case of the dog chasing its own tail perhaps.

The Sandwich – This is the method in which an author sandwiches their promotional Tweet/s between non-promotional Tweets (i.e. quotes/links etc) as if it were a slice of cheese or ham.

Comment: If new/non-famous authors are to be welcomed in the Twitter sphere they need to be accepted as communicative/interesting people and not merely narcissists, who discuss only their own work. Thus the sandwiching method is embraced by nearly all authors on Twitter though there are some exceptions.

The Snippet – This is a much practiced method in which authors utilise the 140 character limit to insert quotes from their books.

Comment: These can be memorable and in some instances amusing, but there are many examples where they are not. Here is a slightly altered one that I read last month – ‘… and he reached into the drawer, took out a red pen, took off the top and begun writing on the piece of paper on the desk.’ And one is left asking, Why?

I also use this method to promote my book, Charles Middleworth, a humorous tale of the unexpected. Here are two examples from Charles Middleworth:

‘Well if being related by internet marriage is family, I suppose we are.’

And

‘…her skills more akin to the baking of macaroons than solving the complexities of the universe.’

Click here to read part 2.

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’ – Reader

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’ – Reader

Charles Middleworth is available through most regional Amazons on Kindle (£1.96/$3.17) and in paperback.

United Kingdom – www.amazon.co.uk

USA – www.amazon.com

Death of the Browsing Shop

Apr 05 2013

Most writers, myself included, spend a great deal of their time in solitary confinement, either writing or finding an excuse not to write, reading being a particular favourite, in addition to surfing the internet, watching television or on occasion going outside to walk or to pay a visit to the shops. The other morning having spent many hours at my desk working on various writing assignments, I was eager to have a break and go outside.

Unfortunately London is about as warm and inviting as Siberia at the moment, so I decided to spend some time browsing in local shops. First up was Blockbuster, the film and game retail behemoth, where one can wander contentedly down the heated aisles, occasionally inspecting a DVD or game one might be interested in buying, before going home and purchasing the given item on the internet. Unfortunately the chain has gone bankrupt and the various stores have been hurriedly selling off their stock. Today it is evident that the sale is now over, as Blockbuster is boarded up and I find myself traipsing on, in the direction of the mall.

On arrival I head eagerly to one of my favourite haunts, HMV, forgetting of course that the film/music/game retailer has gone bankrupt and that this store has also closed since my last visit the week before. Loitering outside the empty shell that had been HMV, my gaze falls on Metro Bank directly opposite me and I find myself reminiscing on the time when it had been a two floor Borders book shop, where many idle hours had been wiled away, browsing contentedly amongst its various sections.

And then I’m heading further into the interior of the mall, turning my head in both directions as I search for browsing opportunities. In no time at all I’m at the far end of the mall in the supermarket, browsing cheddar cheeses and washing-up liquids.

Having grown weary of this irksome activity I begin my return trip through the mall before turning right into Starbucks, where I discover that even this omnipresent has not been unaffected by the changes all around. The cafe was revamped the week before, it is more severe than in its previous incarnation and now resembles a laboratory, with less seats and bright lighting that leaves one feeling naked and exposed, an environment that encourages one to purchase a coffee and vacate the premises immediately.

Having spent a total of four minutes in the mall, I find myself outside again, clasping a grande mocha in one hand, heading through the bitter cold towards the park, hoping that this too hasn’t been deemed surplus to requirements and replaced with flat moving escalators that whisk us past lines of vending machines.

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’ – Reader

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’ – Reader

Charles Middleworth is available through most regional Amazons on Kindle (£1.96/$3.17) and in paperback.

United Kingdom – www.amazon.co.uk

USA – www.amazon.com

Book Related Twitter Experiences

Mar 29 2013

Last week’s Blog Post was about the various ways in which authors use Twitter. This week I will be talking about some of my book related experiences on Twitter. As an author myself I am always interested to see what other authors are doing on Twitter and during the last year I have read a number of books that I was introduced to through this medium.

There are essentially two reasons for me having read books that I have come across on Twitter.

1). I found the author’s Tweets to be interesting/amusing and/or they became Twitter friends.

Here are some examples (click on links to read my review):

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness by Craig Stone – A unique and at times very amusing book.

The Earth Shifter by Lada Ray – A well written YA book, which has proved to be popular with a wider audience. Lada also has a great blog: www.ladaray.wordpress.com

Tollesbury Time Forever by Stuart Ayris – Probably best described as nostalgic Literary Fiction set in rural England.

2). I have selected books because of the positive feedback I have heard about the given book on Twitter (from people other than the author).

Texting Orwell by Ian Little – I enjoyed this amusing and original novella, though its embrace of lavatorial humour may not be to every reader’s liking.

Only The Innocent by Rachel Abbott – This book has become a best seller. It is in my Kindle queue waiting to be read.

The following is a less positive Twitter book experience I had recently that I would like to share with you. One Twitter author, who shall remain nameless, is an example of what I classified last week as an Aggressive Agitator. Sporadically Tweets appear in my Feed from this individual that are a call to action. These Tweets that embrace capitalisation and exclamation marks are of the BUY NOW!!! AWARD WINNING! variety. The same Tweet is often repeated every minute for up to ten minutes at a time. Last week on about the eighth repetition of this abrasive approach, I found myself saying, ‘Okay okay’, before hurriedly clicking on the Amazon link.

There I discovered that the book’s cover look like vomitus, there were only two reviews and what had been promoted as an award, now transpired to be merely a mention at a rural fair type event, in an area with a population made up mostly of gators and feral hogs. But it was none of these factors that prevented me from buying the book, but rather that it was not available in Kindle, only in paperback, with a lengthy wait for delivery and an oppressive price tag.

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’ – Reader

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’ – Reader

Charles Middleworth is available through most regional Amazons on Kindle (£1.96/$3.17) and in paperback.

United Kingdom – www.amazon.co.uk

USA – www.amazon.com

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