crazy religious books | Guy Portman's Blog

12 Peculiar Books

Sep 21 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to some of the peculiar/bizarre books out there.

Here are 12 peculiar books:

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Dancing with Cats

A sure of attracting the attention of the men in white coats.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh …’

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

Crafting With Cat Hair

That is one creepy book.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist looks ominous.

A Passion For Donkeys

Extraordinary.

Oozing For My Lord

That is one unfortunate title.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America

The one on the cover looks like a 2009 Wal-Mart MX19V.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — What’s that? The definition of an oxymoron?

10 Ridiculous Religious Books

Aug 18 2017

This week sees the fourth and final instalment in my religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — That’s an oxymoron.

Scruples How to Avoid Them

Extreme supplication from the looks of things.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist is ominous.

The Christian Life is Exciting

The front cover fails to give that impression.

Can I Be a Christian Without Being Weird?

Yes, it is just about possible. But not if you are a Jehovah’s Witness.

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles?

This is presumably a satire. I base this on its Availability: Usually ships within 24 hours (if Jesus wants it to).

If The Devil Made You Do It You Blew It

What if the Devil didn’t make you do it, and you did it of your own volition?

Why Confess Your Sins To A Priest

Why indeed?

Precious Princess Bible

Brimming with illustrations and captions, this pink abomination informs every little girl that she is ‘God’s precious princess’.

The Monsters Are Coming…

And the winner of worst front cover in the religious genre is…

10 Farcical Religious Books

Apr 21 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my bizarre religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Behold Now Behemoth: Dinosaurs All Over the Bible!

I can only assume the author is confusing The Bible with Jurassic Park.

A Potato That Wasn’t A Christian

So what if a potato wasn’t a Christian. Potatoes are tasty regardless of their religion, unless they are Sikh. There are few things less appetising than a roasted turban.

Born-Again Virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

Liar, Liar, Mullet On Fire: Extinguishing Lies We Believe with God’s Truth

No prizes for guessing who the target readership of this book is.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

Because you forgot the key.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

It’s a sin to be fat

Is it still a sin if the fatness is not a result of gluttony or sloth, but an under-active thyroid? I guess I will have to read the book to find out.

Great Dinosaur Mystery and the Bible

Not those pesky dinosaurs again.

When Catholics Die: Eternal Life or Eternal Damnation?

Eternal life unless they write books with tasteless, purple front covers.

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

10 Absurd Religious Books

Mar 31 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my Ludicrous Religious Books series. Here are 10 more ludicrous religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it in any way, shape or form.

A Holistic Approach to Exorcism

Finally, I was getting so tired of specialised approaches to exorcism.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh, let me listen.’

Cat: ‘Hiss! Meow! meow … Hiss! hiss! MEOW!’

Person: ‘YES! I was right all along — God just said polygamy is virtuous.’

The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Sex in the Afterlife — that is just way a fancy way of saying necrophilia.

Helping The Retarded To Know God

And the winner of the most offensive book title is…

The Tabloid Bible

Penned by religious humorist Nick Page, The Tabloid Bible parodies the sensationalist nature of tabloid newspapers.

What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs?

This creationist title teaches children that dinosaurs were roaming The Earth with the rest of us pre-flood. Note evolutionary-defier Tracker John riding on his pet dinosaur DJ.

God’s Masturbation Solution