Dark Humour | Guy Portman's Blog

My Tour of Antigua

Dec 17 2022

It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog post. As of late I’ve been suffering from WordPress nostalgia, so I have returned to my old haunt. Last month, I visited the tropical island paradise that is Antigua. It proved to be a relaxing break for the most part.

There is something cathartic about a sunset.

I assumed clouds would diminish the spectacle. I was mistaken.

These super yachts aren’t mine unfortunately. The black one belongs to a Russian oligarch. It will be moored here until sanctions are lifted. The crew have been living on it since February’s invasion.

I very much doubt the Russian oligarch is familiar with this establishment.

Dinner time. It had been a while since I had sushi.

This is the cathedral in the capital St. John’s. It could do with some serious renovation. Note the vegetation growing out of the tower on the right.

English Harbour’s Dockyard Museum proved to be a hive of interesting exhibits and information. Admiral Nelson spent time here. In the harbour, not the museum.

The Atlantic side of the island is much more rugged than the tranquil Caribbean coast. It’s where I would want to be if I was based here.

Not all of Antigua is scenic.

It’s not a holiday without a visit to a cemetery.

If you followed this blog back when I was posting weekly, you’ll know I love to gloat. Here is a picture of me holding the giant wahoo I somehow managed to reel in. Relentlessly circling a shoal for eight hours straight under a searing sun was not without its challenges. But this leviathan made it all worthwhile.

The Necropolis Series (Launch: Tuesday Aug. 30)

Aug 26 2022

There are only four days to go until the relaunch of the Necropolis Series. #1 Necropolis is being released as a new title. #2 Sepultura and #3 Golgotha have been revamped with new blurbs and brightly coloured covers, which will appeal to aficionados of darkly humorous crime fiction.

Necropolis – Public sector worker Dyson Devereux has just discovered there is a large reward for the capture of a genocidal fugitive. And Dyson knows where to find him..

Sepultura – Dyson’s personal and professional lives are spiralling out of control. It is only a matter of time until the suave public sector employee explodes.

Golgotha – Dyson is in an Italian prison awaiting trial for murder. All he wants is to be back in the UK with his treasured mementos.

‘A veritable masterclass in darkly satirical sociopathic black comedy’ – DLS Reviews

‘… a mordant delight’ – Adam Riley, Comedian

‘I love this type of crime novel where you get to spend quality time inside the head of a killer’ – Felcherman Reviews

Click here to see the 102 ratings and reviews (4.15/5) for #2 in the Necropolis Series on Goodreads. #1 Necropolis will have a new Goodreads page when it is released next week. Have a great weekend.

Guy

Misanthropic Ramblings

Sep 03 2021

If I had as many interactions with people as I do deer, I would be considered a sociable creature. Take this morning for instance. Was barely out my garden when I stumbled across these three. Fortunately, deer don’t comment on the weather or I’d be sick to death of them by now.

And here are yesterday’s.

And Wednesday’s.

You get the point. Admittedly, some of them are no doubt the same deer. My dog doesn’t chase these deer (roe) if I tell him not to. The muntjack (little deer – invasive species from the Far East) are a different story. Muntjack are like a red flag to a bull for Trigga.

Here is an arboretum I visited last weekend. Note the fencing around the trees. It’s to stop the deer eating them.

Here is a shot of my desk. My summerhouse cum office is proving to be a tranquil working environment. I have written 1.5 books so far this year. Of course rewriting may be necessary.

Currently, I am reading a crime caper by Carl Hiassen, the famous humour author. It is proving to be something of a revelation, having never read any of his books. I think I prefer more subtle humour. It’s laid on a bit thick for me, though I appreciate how easy to read his writing is, and the pacing is impeccable.

Have a good weekend.

Football, Food & Fauna

Jul 09 2021

The big news this week is that England have reached their first football final since 1966. It has been a somewhat fortuitous journey. Ukraine in the quarters and Denmark in the semis is a pretty easy draw all things considered.

On Sunday, they face the Azzurri in the European Championship Final. I have been thoroughly enjoying the games. At the beginning of the tournament I had a punt on Italy, so even if disaster strikes the cloud will have a silver lining, albeit a meagre one.

In other news, I made this omelette. It took me ninety seven attempts to reach perfection. With the depth of knowledge and experience at my disposal, I feel confident that I will be able to repeat the feat several more times over my lifetime.

Got this ice cream by the sea last weekend. This seaside staple used to be called ’99 Flake’ back in the day. These days they go by the name ‘Mr Whippy’. We can thank Americanisation for that.

Well, that’s the exciting news out of the way.

Here are two pictures of deer taken this week.

Right, time to get some of the grass cut before it starts raining again.

Partying, Partaking, Pastries & Problems

Jul 02 2021

The partying in the title refers to the wedding I attended last Saturday. It had been a very long time since I had been in a large gathering of people. I managed to successfully avoid all physical contact. It came naturally to me.

Some lessons had to be relearned however. Lesson One: Make eye contact with people. Lesson Two: Don’t maintain eye contact 100% of the time (or one will appear psychotic). Lesson Three: Don’t drink to excess, or one will suffer the consequences.

It took me until I was around thirty to learn the first two lessons, but I learnt the latter when I was fifteen. Unfortunately, I had forgotten it. I have since been reminded.

The dining marquee

My place. There’s nothing quite like seeing one’s name in print.

That’s the wine done with. Anyone else a fan of Limoncello?

The two metre plus best man striding away from what was a successful speech.

A Scottish cousin and his other half in celebratory mood. No, it wasn’t England failing to beat Scotland in the football that was the cause of their jubilation.

Now for the pastries. They’re Baklava. I ate the entire box last night.

Finally, a break from the rain. It was time to get some gardening done. The problem was I couldn’t remember which oil the flymow takes.

Could have sworn it was this one.

I was wrong.

Torrential Rain & Back From The Brink

Jun 18 2021

Last Friday for the first time in nearly a decade, I didn’t post an update on my blog. You must have been thinking I kicked the bucket, was put behind bars, or removed by the men in white coats. This is not the case.

What happened was, last Thursday when I tried to access my website, it didn’t exist. In a state of panic, I logged in to HostGator. My account had been suspended because I hadn’t paid. The reason I hadn’t was because I was under the impression guyportman.com had migrated to AWS. I was mistaken. There had been some miscommunication which had led me to making a potentially ruinous assumption.

A decade’s worth of blog posts and nearly 150 books reviews disappearing into the void was too much to bear. I was searching for the key to my shotgun cabinet when HostGator got back to me to say that my account was only suspended, and that I could get it restored for a fee.

It proved pretty complicated getting my website moved back over to guyportman.com. It took thirty-six hours and the help of a friend who updated the code, as well as Sunil from HostGator to get it up and running again. While I waited nervously for the site to be resurrected, I found solace in nature.

And eating.

Anyway, the site is back now. In other news, I got 140+ tonnes of soil dumped at the bottom of my garden. It was going spare. The soil has now been spread around. With any luck it will become a nice lawn in time.

It has been bucketing down the last twenty-four hours. Good thing I got the grass seed down in time.

Have a good weekend.

Nature, Nourishment, Naps & News.

Jun 04 2021

Let’s start off with the nature. I’m not really a flower person, but here are some from my garden. Hydrangeas, I think.

Not even an Iroquois tracker could get this close.

A slow worm.

My cock pheasant has found a female friend. There are no sour grapes on my part. Well, maybe a little.

The weather’s been hot and sunny of late.

Red isn’t my favourite colour, honestly.

I mentioned ‘Nourishment’ in the title. Not sure a kebab is really nourishment, but anyway here it is.

Dessert.

Trigga having a nap.

Another day, another nap.

Now for the ‘News’. Brace yourselves; I’ve got a new chair.

It has lumbar support, a headrest (albeit one designed for pygmies) & armrests.

The news doesn’t end there. Mangetout is free on Amazon for today and tomorrow only. Please download a copy if you haven’t already.

Links: Amazon US & Amazon UK

Weather, Writing, WordPress & Wildlife.

May 28 2021

After what has felt like weeks of virtually non-stop rain, the sun has finally come out. It is here to stay; at least that is what the weather forecast is claiming.

Is it just me, or is WordPress not working very well at the moment. It is incredibly slow whenever I use it and there are ongoing issues with uploading images. Rant over. I have been writing non-stop of late. Have just finished a third draft of a novel and am flying through another. However, this has come at a price. There has been nothing vaguely resembling marketing going on, and no social media, or building my mailing list.

On another subject, the cock pheasant has been spending ever more time at mine. How’s this for a close-up of him.

Blossom – a sight for sore eyes.

The dog on his morning walk.

Trigga moments later on point.

The obligatory weekly photo of a deer. This roe buck was considering whether flight or fight was the way to go. He opted for flight. You can never be sure at this time of year which way they’ll turn.

My current read. It’s a slow burn and morbidly depressing in places, but I can’t get enough of McCarthy.

I have some exciting news to share with you. Last Sunday, I went to a restaurant for the first time in forever.

This was purportedly a chocolate mousse. At least that’s what I ordered. Perhaps due to the fact none of us have been out for so long, restaurants now think they can pull the wool over our eyes. Good thing it was delicious, or I would have kicked up a fuss.

Motivation, Mutts, Meat and More.

May 07 2021

I’m really getting into this alliteration thing. As for the Oxford comma, for better or worse I abstained.

Let’s start off with motivation. If anyone has any to spare send it my way, I could do with some. Here’s a good quote about motivation I came across earlier today – “You can either experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The choice is yours.”

Why can’t one have both?

Moving on. Here is a good photo of Trigga. Something must have caught his interest as he went ‘on point’.

Despite being chased by Trigga, this cock pheasant keeps turning up in my garden. He is pheasant non grata across the road, and as a result has had to find new pastures. The dominant cock across the road has a harem of hens and doesn’t want any males around.

This mateless bird is in esteemed company here. I have faced the same scenario numerous times.

Vegetarians, please avert your gaze.

How’s this for a colour-coordinated combo?

Currently, I am trying to get back into my writing routine. Writing was so easy when it was a habit, but I am now struggling. However, I have managed to catch up with some odds and ends, including writing reviews of books that I’ve read recently. There are presently 192 book reviews in the review section of this website, all written by moi.

Have a good weekend.

Fauna, Fiction, Flora & Freedom.

Apr 16 2021

First up it is the fauna. You guessed it, more deer. They were captured through my new iPhone lens at close range.

My Transgressive fiction fix.

I have just started reading in earnest again. Five new book reviews will be appearing in the book review section of this blog imminently. Not sure if that is of any interest to anyone other than myself, but I digress … I took this picture yesterday afternoon immediately prior to going for a jog.

And this one first thing in the morning when I took my dog out for his walk.

Lockdown is gradually easing here in the UK. On Wednesday, I went to the pub for the first time in forever. It was a strange sensation drinking out of a pint glass, as opposed to a bottle. Hadn’t been out for so long that I’d forgotten how tedious people can be. They have reminded me.

Even a cyncial creature such as myself is not immune to the joys of spring.

Got a lot of gardening to do and best get started. Over and out.

Tag - Dark Humour

My Tour of Antigua

Like this:

The Necropolis Series (Launch: Tuesday Aug. 30)

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Misanthropic Ramblings

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Football, Food & Fauna

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Partying, Partaking, Pastries & Problems

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Torrential Rain & Back From The Brink

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Nature, Nourishment, Naps & News.

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Weather, Writing, WordPress & Wildlife.

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Motivation, Mutts, Meat and More.

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Fauna, Fiction, Flora & Freedom.

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Tag - Dark Humour

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