Dark Humour | Guy Portman's Blog

More Of The Same

Apr 09 2021

Earlier this week, I was surprised on looking out of the kitchen window to see that winter had suddenly returned. It was sleeting and there was ice on the ground and on my freshly manicured shrubs.

Another day, another deer. I can’t stop running into them. It seems every time I leave the house they are there.

The dog enjoying a drink from the water feature.

What a splendid morning. Despite being half asleep, I couldn’t resist taking a photo.

A book, green tea and Maltesers equals an agreeable combination.

If you follow my blog, you’ve probably seen pictures of kebabs on it before. Here’s another.

What a healthy breakfast this was. Oranges, watermelon and green tea.

Last week, I posted a photo of a pheasant. This week I have a picture of four. Came across them in my neighbour’s garden yesterday. They were having their afternoon tea. I was watching them for quite a while. Now I understand where the term ‘pecking order’ comes from.

Have a good weekend.

Mailing List Misery, Mobiles & More

Mar 26 2021

I finally bit the bullet and got a new iPhone. The one I had was ancient. Looking forward to taking and sharing photos with the new, improved iPhone 12 camera. None to show yet. But hope to have some good ones of Easter Eggs in time for next Friday. Here is the new phone.

For the last seven years or so, author gurus have been extolling the virtues of having a mailing list. Like most writers I have one; well three actually, all very modest in size. With the recent release of my new book, Mangetout, I did the logical thing and contacted my lists to announce the exciting news. I was under the impression that List One is comprised of readers with an interest in crime and/or darkly humorous fiction. Well, it seems I am mistaken and that the list consists of people living in north west London suffering from gluten allergies. I would have had more luck trying to sell them Lear jets than my 99c/99p book.

C’est la vie – time to bring out the big guns and move onto List Two. Now, I’m not sure who is on this list. Perhaps it is people who at school averaged a C in Trigonometry tests. A few of them took the plunge.

That left List Three. This list is reserved for people who prefer poached eggs to scrambled. A couple of them clicked the buy button.

My mailing list has undergone several Stalinesque purges, but evidently still consists mostly of Trotskyites, Capitalists, agitators and the bourgeois. What lessons are there to be learnt from the experience? According to someone I was talking to from the world of business, a mailing list that is not grown organically, ‘… is not worth its weight in manure, let alone gold.’

So, it is out with the giveaways and mailing list boost promos. I am going to try and stick to readers who have signed-up via the links at the back of my books.

In other news, I had a big free book promo for Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future. It hasn’t achieved much thus far apart from garnering some good reviews and ratings on Amazon.

Have a good weekend.

Amazon Link

‘This book will certainly have you turning the pages to see what happens next …’ – The Daily Squib

Gardening, Griping, Guzzling & German

Mar 19 2021

I just can’t get people to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it. It’s a real problem; one that I can’t imagine Putin or Xi Jinping have. That’s the griping out of the way. Actually no, there’ll be more later. Now for the guzzling. Earlier this week I made an omelette that only broke very slightly. Give me a round of applause please. Here’s a picture of it:

Anyone else like Indian food? I’ll take your silence as a yes. I had an Indian banquet on Wednesday. What a treat.

Now for the German. Earlier this week, Leipzig-based publisher Festa Verlag published my psychological thriller.

Symbiose retail link

Symbiose means Symbiosis in English. Somebody their end must think Symbiosis is pretty good, as it boasts a fairly hefty price tag. The plan is it sells well and they take some more of my books, and I emigrate to Germany, where I am adulated like David Hasselhoff.

That is a picture of my hedge. I do most of my gardening myself due to the fact I like doing it, and because I’m a cheapskate and don’t want to fork out for a gardener. However, at this time of year I do get help with stuff above ground level, such as this hedge for example. A two-man team turned up with chainsaws for what I assumed from the invoice was going to be a full day of arduous labour. Must have been a little over five minutes into their day that the main man knocked on my summerhouse/office door and informs me, ‘We’re done’. When I went out to inspect, I couldn’t see any difference. I told him, ‘I didn’t get you in to trim my hedge with nail scissors.’ He shook his head and said, ‘D-don’t know what you mean. What do you mean?’ ‘I mean cut it properly, to the height of the top of a man’s head, and I’m not talking the world’s tallest man as it is currently.’ They did it again (see photo). I’m satisfied.

Mangetout has been out a week now. There are seven ratings on Goodreads and they are pretty positive. I’m not saying they’re all waxing lyrical, but some of them are. I’m hoping, no I’m praying, that more will appear on Amazon. There are none on the UK site at the time of writing. There are some on Amazon US though. Have a good weekend.

Mangetout: My New Book Is Out

Mar 12 2021

Mangetout is now on Goodreads and Amazon. It should shortly be appearing on other retailers.

Trouble has a habit of finding some people.

These sharp, shocking and suspenseful stories are a must read.

Mangetout (41k words/2.25 hours) will appeal to all fans of darkly humorous crime. Don’t take my word for it. Check out the reviews that have already appeared on Goodreads, and there are a couple on Amazon US too. Mangetout is only 99p/99c for a limited time only. It is also available as a paperback.

I haven’t told my mailing list, or anyone really yet about my new book being out. That’s not just because I’m shy. I’m hoping a few more reviews might appear, particularly on regional Amazon’s, most pertinently my own (UK). Fingers crossed. So, I’m going to wait a little while longer before getting the loud speaker out.

While waiting for reviews to appear, I’ve been trying to avoid Meghan Markle and inspecting my newly manicured shrubs. They’re looking ready for the Chelsea Flower Show.

Have a good weekend.

Mangetout Links: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Goodreads.

Walking, Sleeping, Eating, Reading & Writing.

Feb 19 2021

This blog post’s title sums up my life. Well, there’s also housework, gardening, Netflix, watching sport, bathing and procrastinating in there too. But I digress …

It’s been a longtime coming but I finally got some new bedlinen, which if you follow me on Twitter you may have already seen. If you missed it don’t worry, here it is again:

It is ‘hotel quality’, or so the packet it came in claims. Not sure whether they mean The Ritz or Premier Inn. Regardless; so far so good.

Bought walking boots about four months ago. They’ve since ripped to shreds and now resemble hobo footwear. These are the new ones.

This combo takes some beating.

Sometimes simple fare is the best.

Currently, I am reading this. It is the third book I’ve read by gothic crime writer Pollock. It is likely the last as he’s only written three.

As for me, I am writing away and counting down the days until the release of Mangetout.

Have a good weekend.

Titbits, Tissues & Turmoil.

Jan 08 2021

We are in Lockdown yet again here in the UK, and it looks like it’s going to be the state of play for quite some time yet. As for me, I’ve adapted to it. I’m nothing if not versatile. Living in the countryside does make it easier in my opinion.

Something was interesting Trigga out there. He was stationed by the window for ages. Likely it was a squirrel, pigeon or pheasant.

The first kebab of 2021.

Anyone else a fan of baklava?

I’ve been doing some healthy eating too, in an effort to shift the layer of Xmas cake and baklava-induced fat from the waistline.

Here’s a tuna and egg salad I prepared earlier.

I went a little overboard with the broccoli one day and had to enlist some help to eat it.

The riot on Capital Hill was extraordinary. I wonder what Abraham Lincoln would have thought of it. In the future it could be viewed as an iconic moment in the demise of democracy.

I went to the supermarket the other day and it was the usual story. No Original Kleenex. It seems the stuff is becoming as rare as Amur Leopards. There’s alway loads of Balsam and Soft Kleenex, but no one wants it hence why there’s loads of it on the shelves I guess. Personally, I’d rather have no Kleenex than the balsam variety.

There’s been a cold snap here and I have been enjoying having fires in the evenings.

Have a good weekend.

Winter Wonderland & Encroaching Christmas

Dec 11 2020

We are approaching Christmas and the end of what has been a wretched year for mankind. For us Brits we have the prospect of a no-deal Brexit to look forward to. So much for Johnson and Gove’s bravado. It appears to have been mere bluster. Things are looking bleak, in the short term at any rate.

As for me, I must confess that I have had a particularly unproductive week. It has consisted of online Christmas shopping, a trip to the clay pigeon school and a lot of day dreaming.

There is something enticing about the meek light of an afternoon winter’s sun.

When I go out for my morning walks, the moon has not yet gone to bed.

It’s misty in the woods when it has been raining.

The other day, I was looking out of my home office’s window when I noticed this remarkable sky.

Enough of the great outdoors. Let’s move on to TV remotes. Frequenters of this blog will be aware that only the other week I got a new ‘waterproof’ remote for my bathroom television. And now look at the state of it:

Might as well have used a non-waterproof one. A replacement is in the post I am told.

What a cozy spot.

I’ve been getting into the Christmas Spirit. It’s goose.

Sunsets, Sunrises & Prizes To Be Won.

Dec 04 2020

The moon made an appearance a little after 15:30 the other day. It’s that time of year.

This was a spectacular sunrise to wake up to on Wednesday morning.

Are you interested in winning a bundle of crime fiction and a new Ereader? If you are a member of BookBub, you are eligible to enter. The books include one of mine. Here is the link:

Win a Bundle of Crime Fiction & Thrillers!

2020 might be the second hottest year ever on record, but it’s pretty chilly here at the moment. Perfect weather to enjoy a latte in front of a twenty quid electric faux fire from Amazon.

Don’t know about you, but I am big fan of pigeon breast salad. Few virtually no carb meals taste as good. Here’s one I prepared earlier.

It had been a while since I ate pancakes.

The dog’s had a few treats too. Here he is poised to tuck into a pig’s ear.

This is the time of year to be merry. It is also the time of year to do pruning. I have pruned my trees by hand which has been incredibly taxing on the forearms.

The leaves have since been swept-up. Have a good weekend.

Topiary, Tidbits & A Treasure Trove

Oct 30 2020

Let’s start with the topiary. This bonsaiesque tree resides outside my front door. It has been looking magnificent this autumn.

The rain has been incessant of late and the garden is saturated. This photo was taken during a brief respite.

Yesterday I got really close to deer. If they knew how much I liked venison, they would probably keep their distance.

The dog isn’t allowed to chase them, much to his chagrin. Here he is enjoying a siesta.

The French might be hapless when it comes to cultural harmony, but when it comes to food … Anyone else like croissants?

Now for the treasure trove. The ‘Scary Fun Books’ bonanza ends tomorrow (Sat 31st). You’ll find one of mine here at the discounted price of 99p/99c.

Scary Fun Books Link

Have a good weekend.

Torrential Rain, Transgressive Fiction & Culinary Delights.

Oct 02 2020

It’s absolutely pouring out there. On a day like this, one just wants to lie around in a hot bath, or watch Netflix. Not sure this photo in any way captures the severity of the current downpour, but for better or worse here it is.

The dog is also feeling lethargic today.

I am an avid consumer of fish fingers. However, it’d been a long time since I had fishcakes.

Prior to the weather turning horrendous, I came across these pheasants near my house feasting on birdseed.

Anyone a fan of carrot cake? For some reason I was under the impression that I couldn’t stand the stuff; so it was a pleasant surprise last weekend to discover I was sorely mistaken.

This week I purged my mailing list. It had a lot of dead weight. Now it’s time to start building it up again.

I have also been reading. Not sure how it took me so long to get around to reading this, as I am something of an Easton Ellis fan. So far, so good.

Currently, I am seeking reviews for my books, especially the latest one. If you have read any of my books, a short review on Amazon or elsewhere would be much appreciated. Reviews are vital to us authors for finding new readers.

Have a good weekend.

Tag - Dark Humour

More Of The Same

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Mailing List Misery, Mobiles & More

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Gardening, Griping, Guzzling & German

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Mangetout: My New Book Is Out

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Walking, Sleeping, Eating, Reading & Writing.

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Titbits, Tissues & Turmoil.

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Winter Wonderland & Encroaching Christmas

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Sunsets, Sunrises & Prizes To Be Won.

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Topiary, Tidbits & A Treasure Trove

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Torrential Rain, Transgressive Fiction & Culinary Delights.

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Tag - Dark Humour

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