Dark Humour | Guy Portman's Blog

12 Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Apr 26 2019

It has been a while since I devoted a blog post to hilarious one star book reviews. Here are 12 more one star book reviews that I find amusing and I hope you will too.

The Iliad by Homer – ‘You may have seen the movie Troy with Brad Pitt as Achilles, but it is quite different than the book.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – ‘Wuthering Heights is the worst! Everyone is mean and it has an awful ending …’

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘Though I’ve read many bad books, none can compare with this trite, contrived piece of work.’

A Room With a View by E.M. Forster – ‘Please don’t waste your time on this book. Read something from Michael Crichton instead.’

The Bible – ‘If you can stomach the genocide, infanticide, rape and killings then the Bible is for you. I will be sticking to Game of Thrones.’

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë – ‘This book reminds me of one of those really old stinky cheeses.’

The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner – ‘Please, don’t insult my intelligence.’

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens – ‘HORRID!!! This book was literally the worst thing that’s happened in my whole entire life.’

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley – ‘If you like really long, detailed, poorly written soap operas you may like this book.’

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy –
‘How can anybody like this book? Whoever said this is the best classic ever written must be truly brain-dead. What could be enjoyable about a book that primarily consists of a guide on:
a) how to cut grass,
b) how to hunt bear, and
c) how to abandon your own kid for a gigolo.

If I wanted all that stuff I would have read Farmers Almanac.’

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – ‘Had Melville cut this book down to about 25 pages, that would be bearable.’

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo – ‘It’s just a black hole of time …’

My Plans For 2019

Jan 04 2019

Happy New Year everyone.

‘May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.’ – Joey Adams

This, my first blog post of 2019, is about my plans for this year. With regards writing, I plan to release my sixth book later this year. I released two in 2018 (Sepultura & Tomorrow’s World). Golgotha will be the third and final instalment in the Necropolis Trilogy. It will feature suave sociopath Dyson Devereux. The first part, Necropolis, has 100+ reviews on Goodreads. Part two, Sepultura, was released last year. If you like dark humour you’ll love the Necropolis trilogy.

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

Sepultura Goodreads link.

As for other plans, I have some freelance writing work to get on with, and then there’s the reading. Here are a couple of books I want to read this year.

If you are looking for some more reading recommendations and you haven’t seen it already, check out – The 20 books I read in 2018. I have written a review of each. Happy New Year.

That Friday Feeling

Nov 30 2018

I don’t know why I just gave my post the title, That Friday Feeling. Probably because I couldn’t think of anything else. This time last week I was lamenting Black Friday, and comparing it to the Black Death. This week, I want to mention another American invasive species. But, unlike Black Friday this one is most welcome on these shores. If you haven’t tried Five Guys already, I strongly suggest you do so, unless you’re vegetarian or vegan that is. Yesterday, whilst gorging on the below, I tried to put my finger on what is so great about Five Guys. I came to the conclusion it is the consistency of the burgers, which is quite unlike anything we in the UK have experienced before.

After my luncheon, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to find my car in the carpark. This happens every time I go to the shopping centre. When I finally got home, I worked off some calories cleaning my floor. It looks spotless, if I say so myself.

Some good reviews have appeared on Goodreads and Amazon UK for my new book, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future. I could do with some on the US version of Amazon, but hopefully it’s merely a matter of time.

What with all the writing I’ve been doing, I have fallen behind with my reading. I have been rectifying that this week. Reviews of these three books to follow.

If you haven’t already read it, you might be interested in a free copy of my black comedy, Necropolis. Necropolis has been free on all major retailers for a while, but next week it will be re-joining the paid ranks. It is the first part of a proposed trilogy. The books feature meticulous sociopath, Dyson Devereux. The second instalment, Sepultura, was released earlier this year. The third part will be out some time in 2019. Have a good weekend.

Tomorrow’s World: 6 Days To Go

Nov 16 2018

Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future is being released next Thursday, Nov. 22nd.

The future may not be bright but it’s hilarious

Here are some details about the book:

In England, Terrence finds himself disillusioned in a world of drudgery, compensation claim drones and a relentlessly rising retirement age. Across the pond, Walter has harnessed the power of age-defying medication in a bid to prosper indefinitely – at any expense. What could possibly go wrong?

40,251 words/2.5 hours reading time

Congratulations to the two winners of the Goodreads giveaway – Alexandria and Jessica. A first edition, signed copy will be posted to your US locations on Monday.

“Because in Tomorrow’s World, Guy has seen the writing on the wall. And it’s in emojis.” Adam Riley, Comedian

1140 readers have now added Tomorrow’s World to their Goodreads TBR list.

Here are a few short snippets from the book:

‘The fact that Paradise Pods have the same dimensions as a standard coffin is incidental,’ says the salesman, ducking to avoid the hurled teacup …

The interior of the rotorcraft erupts in vociferations of glee when the passengers catch sight of the white-tipped peak of Mont Blanc, Western Europe’s last remaining refuge for snow.

She cannot envisage ever swapping her early 1990s Benidorm experience for any of the other virtual-reality options available to her and her fellow retirees …

If you like dark humour, you’ll love Tomorrow’s World.

Tomorrow’s World will be available as a paperback & ebook from all major retailers.

Click here to see Tomorrow’s World Goodreads Page.

Tomorrow’s World: Countdown

Nov 09 2018

There is less than two weeks to go until the release of Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future (November 22nd).

The first reviews for Tomorrow’s World have appeared on Goodreads, and the Goodreads Giveaway is still underway. Two signed, first edition paperback copies must be won.

Here are some details about the darkly humorous, satirical extravaganza that is Tomorrow’s World:

In tales that criss cross the Atlantic, Tomorrow’s World transports the reader into the future where even dreams can be controlled – but it seems that the future’s not all it’s cracked up to be. In England, Terrence finds himself disillusioned in a world of drudgery, compensation claim drones and a relentlessly rising retirement age. Across the pond, Walter has harnessed the power of age-defying medication in a bid to prosper indefinitely – at any expense. What could possibly go wrong?

40,251 words/2.5 hours reading time

Here are a few snippets from the book:

2176 A.D.

… he had abhorred virtual celebrity reality television his entire life. He had first been subjected to it as a small child in the family home. Over the years he had witnessed a plethora of virtual celebrity reality television shows that had catered to the vicarious, the voyeur, the vain and the vapid.

2160 A.D.

‘Garbage Pail Kids.’

‘What are Garbage Pail Kids?’

‘They were 1980s humorous, satirical trading cards. We have one of Europe’s finest private collections in the family. Remind me to show you them sometime.’

Click here to view Tomorrow’s World Goodreads page.

Books, The Crayfish and Me

Oct 05 2018

I am not a sociable person and I do not receive many visitors, so I was surprised when this one turned up, unannounced at my front door.

He is an American Crayfish. I’m assuming it’s a he, I don’t get female visitors. His visit was all the more surprising considering that there is very little water around here. Initially, I wasn’t aware that he was an American Crayfish, but then the postman arrived and informed me that ‘it’ was, and that American Crayfish are a clear and present danger to our native fauna. Rather like grey squirrels.

On another note, after years of using social media, I have finally decided to include a bio pic of myself, rather than an image from one of my front covers. It feels a bit like being naked in public. Anyway, here it is:

I will be rolling it out to my social media profiles in due course. Now, for a reading update. What with all the writing I have been doing, I haven’t been reading that much of late, but I am poised to embark on two books. The Blade Artist (Transgressive Fiction) and The Butcher (Black Comedy). I will be posting my reviews of them here and on Goodreads.

Just a reminder that my next book, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future is being released next month (November 22nd). Click here to view its Goodreads page. Have a good weekend.

Tomorrow’s World Blurb Reveal

Sep 28 2018

Today, I am pleased to unveil the blurb for my forthcoming book, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future.

The future’s here and it’s great. You can live for a very long time, you can experience the dream in virtual reality, and you can even worship David Hasselhoff. But not everyone is feeling fulfilled …

With the relentlessly increasing mandatory retirement age, Terrence can see no end to his life of drudgery. And then there are the compensation claim drones …

On the other side of the pond, Walter is faring far better. With the assistance of age-defying medication, the kung fu hyper-capitalist plans to prosper indefinitely. However, there are plenty of people who want to see him fail.

Will these two contrasting characters thrive in a future that’s changing forever? Or even survive? And what about the rest of us?

If you like dark humour and scathing satire, then you will relish experiencing tomorrow’s outlandish world through the eyes of its colourful cast of characters.

40,251 words – 2.5 hours reading time

Publication Date: November 22nd (paperback & eBook)

‘… in Tomorrow’s World, Guy has seen the writing on the wall. And it’s in emojis.’ – Adam Riley (comedian)

Warning: This book is not suitable for overtly religious types/those who do not appreciate dark humour.

Are you on Goodreads? If so, click here to add Tomorrow’s World to your to-read list.

Tomorrow’s World Front Cover Reveal

Aug 24 2018

This is the front cover for Tomorrow’s World, my forthcoming satirical book of vignettes about the future.

I hope you like it as much as I do.

Tomorrow’s World will consist of short, sardonic scenes that take you year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, virtual reality, celebrity worship, hyper-branding, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age.

This quick read (40,521 words) will appeal to those who like humour and satire.

Tomorrow’s World will be released in November.

The 10 Books I’ve Read This Year

Jun 22 2018

As is my custom at the halfway point of the year, I am devoting this post to the books that I have read so far in 2018. Well, there is over a week to go until the halfway point, but anyway … Here are the ten books that I have read in 2018. They are presented in the order in which I read them. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Skaboys by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Skagboys is set in the 1980s against a backdrop of Thatcherism, the rise of dance of music and HIV.

My Review: Skagboys is the prequel to Trainspotting. Its colourful, mostly young characters hail from the Edinburgh port suburb of Leith. There is the bookish …(more)

My Opinion: Excellent

An Ice-Cream War by William Boyd

Genre: Dark Humour

An Ice-Cream War’s motif is the absurdness of war. The book’s grave content is laced with humour of the dark variety.

My Review: After much tension and speculation, World War I begins. The main campaign is contended on the Western Front, but there is also a less well-known offensive in …(more)

My Opinion: Good

The Carrot Man by Theo A. Gerken

Genre: Humour

This existential comedy is replete with jokes. Some are offensive, few are amusing.

My Review: The Carrot Man is a novelette about a manic Swede who is revolted by his new flatmate; an unhygienic, unindustrious, unsociable specimen whom …(more)

My Opinion: Poor

The Trumpassic Period by David Belisle

Genre: Humour?

This politics-meets-palaeontology work purports to be a satire, of the lampooning variety.

My Review: The Trumpassic Period is a rehash of President Trump’s first year in office, but with dinosaurs substituting for the controversial leader and his cohorts …(more)

My Opinion: Sleep-inducing drivel

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

Last Exit to Brooklyn is a controversial and ground-breaking transgressive work.

My Review: This inter-related collection of six stories are set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. One revolves around a Benzedrine-scoffing transvestite’s …(more)

My Opinion: Memorable

Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

Genre: Humour/Satire

Vile Bodies is a satirical novel whose primary purpose is satirising decadent 1920s London society.

My Review: Author Adam plans to marry his fiancé Nina Blount, but he does not have enough money to convince his disinterested, aristocratic beau to tie the knot. Every time Adam …(more)

My Opinion: Curious and somewhat dated

Hotel Scarface by Roben Farzad

Genre: Non Fiction

Named after iconic film Scarface, Hotel Scarface captures the zeitgeist of 1980s Miami.

My Review: This is an account of the rise and fall of Hotel Mutiny; a Coconut Grove, Miami-based hotel and club founded in the 1970s. It became the haunt of rising cocaine …(more)

My Opinion: Okay

The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall

Genre: General Fiction?

This analytical and abstract book’s motif is mental health. Its contents include drawings and computer code.

My Review:Eric Sanderson is suffering from a form of amnesia called fugue, at least according to his psychologist. Eric is aware that his girlfriend Cleo died whilst …(more)

My Opinion: Pretentious and onerous

Not Exactly Shakespeare by Martin Freznell

Genre: Humour

Not Exactly Shakespeare purports to be the shortest book you’ll ever be forced to pretend to have to read.

My Review: There is not much to like or loath about this meagre and mildly comical offering …(more)

My Opinion: Not enough content to form one

Marabou Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh

Genre: Transgressive Fiction

An inventive book, boasting parallel stories and different levels of awareness.

My Review: Roy Strang narrates this story from the hospital in which he is lying in a coma. It begins in South Africa, where he and his friend Sandy Jamieson are …(more)

My Opinion: Bleak and quite good

About me and my darkly humorous writing.

Tomorrow’s World

Jun 08 2018

Doomsayers have been predicting the death of the novel for years. Recently, author Zadie Smith talked of novel-nausea, and journalist and novelist Will Self has even gone so far as to say that the novel is ‘absolutely doomed’. Whether the novel is set to go the way of the dinosaurs is debateable, but literary ennui does appear to be on the rise. Reasons for this include the digitalisation of print culture, ever increasing pressures on our time and social media.

‘We’re in an era of ever-shortening attention spans. For example, I just checked Twitter 12 times while writing that sentence.’ — Adam Riley, comedian

As for me, I want to write more novels (4 to date) but I also want to experiment with shorter, attention grabbing literary forms, hence my decision to pen a darkly humorous, satirical book of vignettes about the future. It will take the form of short, sardonic scenes that take the reader year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, virtual reality, extreme celebrity worship, hyper-branding, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. Tomorrow’s World will be released late this year.

In the interim you might enjoy my satirical black comedy, Necropolis. Click here to sign up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter and to claim your free copy. You can unsubscribe at any time. Necropolis is the first part in a proposed trilogy. Part Two: Sepultura, was released earlier this year.

What is a sociopath to do?

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘A satirical gem’

Tag - Dark Humour

12 Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

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My Plans For 2019

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That Friday Feeling

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Tomorrow’s World: 6 Days To Go

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Tomorrow’s World: Countdown

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Books, The Crayfish and Me

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Tomorrow’s World Blurb Reveal

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Tomorrow’s World Front Cover Reveal

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The 10 Books I’ve Read This Year

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Tomorrow’s World

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