Humour | Guy Portman's Blog

7 Books For 7 Moods

Jul 27 2018

This week sees the return of my books for different moods series. If you are anything like me your choice of book often depends on your frame of mind. Here are 7 books for 7 different moods/states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for something morbid?

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

This non-fiction work explores the more unfamiliar scenarios involving our dead bodies. The author applies a light approach to explore a taboo subject matter. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Intriguing for the most part

Fed up with the joys of summer? If so, then I suggest:

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Whilst the morose subject matter (gulags) will not appeal to everyone, this reader is of the opinion that One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is one of the best books ever written. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Exceptional

In the mood for some satire? If the answer is yes, you might like:

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good but rambling

Are you after something darkly humorous and free?

Necropolis by Guy Portman

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed public sector. It is the first part of a trilogy. Click here to claim your free copy.

My Opinion: Is biased

Feel like reading something iconic and controversial:

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.

This cult classic consists of an inter-related collection of six stories set in 1950s Brooklyn, New York. Its candid portrayals of numerous taboo topics have been lauded by many. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Memorable

Do you require something sleep-inducing? Perhaps you are finding it hard to get to sleep on these sultry summer nights. Well, I have a solution:

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater

Published in 1821, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater is widely regarded as being the forefather of addiction literature. Its prose is ornate and grandiloquent. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Turgid and extremely dull

In the mood for a Transgressive tome?

Skagboys by Irvine Welsh

Skagboys is a work of Transgressive Fiction set in the 1980s. It is the prequel to Trainspotting The book’s main focus is its colourful characters increasing obsession with heroin. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Long but good

13 Humorous Quotes About Writing

Jul 20 2018

This humour writer relishes humorous quotes about writing. Here are thirteen that have not previously appeared on my blog. Well, one them has, but I like it so much I am including it again.

If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published. – Anonymous

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory. – Franklin P. Jones

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress. – Philip Roth

Long, hard slog today writing the Great American Tweet. (That was it…what do you think? Pulitzer?) – Greg Tamblyn

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.– Christopher Hampton

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. – Doug Larson

Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness … – George Orwell

As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. – Calvin Trillin

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. – Tom Clancy

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. – Fred Allen

The only time I’ll get good reviews is if I kill myself. – Edward Albee

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. – Flannery O’Connor

He does not so much split his infinitives as disembowel them. – Rebecca West

Hilarious One Star Book Reviews

Jul 06 2018

Most books worth their salt have garnered at least a few terrible reviews. Often it is a case of the reviewer being opposed to the general consensus. In many instances bad reviews reveal more about the reviewer than the book.

Here are 12 scathing, and in most instances hilarious one star Amazon reviews.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville – “… essentially the plot to ‘Jaws'” (June 1st, 2001)

Ulysses by James Joyce – ‘An eruption of verbal flatulence.’ (August 30th, 1999)

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – ‘It was utter garbage.’ (June 6th, 2017)

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy – ‘This is an awful book… there is nothing of credit to his writing. It is devoid of any depth. Don’t waste your brain, …’ (February 22nd, 2009)

The Witches by Roald Dahl – ‘This book is teaching children false information about witches. We don’t turn children into mouses and kill them. We are normal people!’ (February 17th, 2003)

Necropolis by Guy Portman – ‘This book was absolute inane drivel from the start …’ (December 29th, 2017)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages.’ (August 19th, 2004)

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon – ‘I forgot to take my LSD first. Save your dough. This is like Ulysses. A good argument for a good old fashioned book burning …’ (February 7th, 2014)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer – ‘Girl moves to rainy town. Girl is miserable. Girl gets stalked by freakish boy. Girl remains miserable. Girl cooks lots of crappy meals for dad and generally behaves like doormat. Girl miserable. Girl falls for freaky boy …’ (August 20th, 2012)

The Iliad by Homer – ‘Crappy ass book, dont undedstand a word of it do not recommend this book to anyone don’t judge me ik its a classic but it frickin sucks.’ (December 28th, 2017)

Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White – ‘How in the world does a pig and a spider become friends? It’s beyond me.’ (March 1st, 2015)

Hamlet by William Shakespeare – I thought this sure was boring! Hamlet does too much talking and not enough stuff.’ (October 22nd, 2001)

10 Ludicrous Books

Jun 01 2018

This week sees the second and final instalment in my bizarre book series highlights. Here are 10 bizarre/ludicrous book titles.

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

25 Placenta Recipes

placenta-recipes
Finally! I have grown tired of plain boiled placentas.

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

Innards And Other Variety Meats

Yummy!

Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook

semenology

Let this book be a warning to all those who treat bartenders badly.

Cards As Weapons

cards-as-weapons

Using cards as throwing stars can be very useful when you are poised to lose money on a card game.

The Goldflower Book of Business Greetings

Ever wondered why you always fail interviews? Next time you have an interview, try introducing yourself with the above handshake.

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

15 Bizarre Books

May 11 2018

I am fascinated by bizarre books, and have devoted numerous blog posts to the subject in recent years. This week’s post consists of some of the highlights. Here are 15 books that I consider to be bizarre. I have added pithy comments/fictitious dialogue below each.

Gadsby: A Lipogram Novel

Gadsby2

This 50,000+ word lipogram novel claims not to use the letter e.

How many e’s can you spot on the front cover?

Nuclear War Fun Book

Who would have thought nuclear war could be so much fun.

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Would you trust the author to make you disappear when he can’t spell disappear?

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety

gun-safety-cat

Owner: Yes Tiddles, approach the gun like that.

Tiddles: Meow, meow, purr.

Owner: That is the safety switch. Do not turn it off. No!

Tiddles: Meow, hiss!

Owner: Not the trigger. NOOO!

Bang!

Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas

Dollar Dating

Go to McDonald’s with your date and order a grilled onion cheddar burger from the dollar menu, then pull out 99c and plead until they let you off the 1c. Now cut the burger in 2 and give her/him half, but with all the onions.

Date: ‘All the onions? That’s so kind. Are you sure?’

You: ‘Yes I’m sure. Now eat them before I change my mind.’

The Book of Marmalade

marmalade

For those of us who spreading it on our toast is not enough.

How to Abandon Ship

Abandon Ship

Brimming with helpful tips from Argentine sailors.

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say “No” to Drugs

Horse

This is how I imagine Latawnya the Naughty Horse learns how to say ‘No’ to drugs.

Someone walks into Latawnya’s stable holding some drugs.

Person: ‘Hi Latawnya you naughty horse, would you like some drugs?’

Latawnya: ‘Neighhhh.’

‘Let’s try that again shall we. Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhh.’

‘Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhno.’

Latawyna has learnt to say no to drugs. Have you?

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

gnome

You mean to tell me that gnomes are not only the height of bad taste, they also attack.

Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich

Spoons Reich

Not interested. I only collect 3rd Reich forks.

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

20 More Quotes About Writing

Feb 23 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to 20 writing-related quotes that have not previously been featured on my blog.

To write, or to Netflix. That is the question – Kat Myley

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have “plans” – Mike Birbiglia

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it – Winston Churchill

The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering – Tom Waits

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere – S.J. Perelman

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous – Robert Benchley

Drowning in my own words with only a semicolon as a lifeboat – Jessica Baumgartner

I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me — Ray Bradbury, WD

If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it — Elmore Leonard

An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate – François-René de Chateaubriand

He’d heard that writers spent all day in their dressing gowns drinking champagne. This is, of course, absolutely true – Terry Pratchett, Snuff

Not all writers are silently suffering inside. But it certainly helps – Joyce Rachelle

Sadly, there are writers who wouldn’t know an umlaut from an omelet – Kevin Ansbro

The only impeccable writers are those who never wrote – William Hazlitt

For writers it is always said that the first twenty years of life contain the whole of experience – the rest is observation – Graham Greene

Writing romantic fiction is the second chance that loved ones denied us – Shannon L. Alder

Don’t break a writer’s heart and think ink won’t spill – Ming D. Liu

Writer’s block’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘I don’t feel like doing any work today – Meagan Spooner

Writing should beguile us, not just take us from A to B to Zzzzz – Kevin Ansbro

Even on the silent days, believe your ship will come – Shana Chartier

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If Authors Were Desserts

Jan 26 2018

Here are twelve authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to.

Norman Mailer

Mailer

Cultural criticism, controversy and obscenity were hallmarks of this volatile and violent author.

Corresponding dessert: Fruitcake

Fruit Cake

Rationale: Self-explanatory

Stephanie Meyer

Meyer

Meyer is a young-adult fiction writer responsible for the vampire romance series Twilight.

Corresponding dessert: Sponge Cake

sponge cake

Rationale: It might look like a cake, feel like a cake and smell like a cake, but on taking a bite one realises it’s mostly just air.

Vladimir Nabokov

Nabokov

The intellectual Russian born Nabokov utilised an ornate prose style.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed S’more

Deconstructed Smores

Rationale: This sophisticated, deconstructed extravagance contains chocolate-coated cereal garnishes, caramelised vanilla marshmallow and more besides.

L. Ron Hubbard

Hubbard

The Scientology founder wrote numerous Sci-Fi and psychotherapy books.

Corresponding dessert: Waffle

Rationale: The content of Scientology’s doctrine.

Ambrose Bierce

Corresponding dessert: Lemon sorbet

Rationale: Few desserts are more acerbic.

Anne Rice

Rice

The Vampire Chronicles creator is one of the best-selling writers in recent American history.

Corresponding dessert: Jelly

Jelly

Rationale: Right-minded adults steer clear of this puerile dessert.

Bret Easton Ellis

Easton-Ellis

Easton Ellis is a master of social commentary. Much of his writing features vapid, soulless characters.

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Sorbet

lemon

Rationale: This cold, astringent dessert isn’t for everyone. I rather like it.

Dan Brown

Brown

Brown has sold more than 200 million of his mystery/conspiracy novels.

Corresponding dessert: Ring-Shaped Donut

Doughnut

Rationale: These deep-fried snacks have a gaping hole in the middle.

Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie

English crime novelist Agatha Christie is the best-selling author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Tunnock’s Teacake

Tea Cake

Rationale: One has to first unwrap the packaging and then bite through the outer layer to reveal what lies beneath.

E. L. James

ELJAmes

Erotica novelist E. L. James is one of the World’s best-selling authors.

Corresponding dessert: Cheesecake

cheese

Rationale: Many, including yours truly, are of the opinion that cheese and cake should not be mixed.

Leo Tolstoy

Tolstoy

Iconic Russian writer Tolstoy is best-remembered for his opuses Anna Karenina and War And Peace.

Corresponding dessert: Heavy Cake

Heavy Cake

Rationale: Heavy Cake is dense and requires a lot of chewing, but it tastes good.

Sidney Sheldon

Sidney Sheldon

Chick lit/Thriller author Sheldon is the one of the best-selling authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Wafer

Wafer

Rationale: With their primary ingredient being air, wafers won’t satisfy one’s hunger.

Sepultura Countdown

Jan 05 2018

Sepultura will be unleashed on the world this Thursday (January 11th).

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down.

Because beneath Dyson’s charming, Italian delicacy-consuming veneer lurks something sinister. As his personal and professional lives threaten to spiral out of control, will Dyson’s true nature be revealed?

Compulsive and brimming with satirical wit, Sepultura is a caustic black comedy featuring an unforgettable sociopath.

“My kind of black comedy. You’ll either love Dyson, or love to hate him” — Sandra Seymour, Author of Breed: Slayer

“A satirical gem” — Reader

“Sociopathic comedy at its best” — Adam Riley, Comedian

Click here to see the first reviews for Sepultura on Goodreads.

Here is a short extract:

After discarding two pamphlets advertising tacky funeral programme cards, I peruse a brochure from a local gravestone manufacturer. Having decided that the company’s creations are fit for public consumption, I hand the brochure to Sullen Goth with instructions to add their details to the database.

The next item needing my attention is a draft letter to the Scully family, one of whose number resides in Cressingham Park Cemetery. His gravestone was torn down on the orders of Health and Safety, for no other reason than it was tilting seven degrees to one side more than their irksome requirements permit. The living Scullys are less than impressed … My office telephone is ringing. I pick it up.

‘Good morning Burials and Cemeteries.’

‘Hi Burials and Cemeteries.’

‘Who is this?’

‘Come on blood, you telling me you don’t recognise my voice?’

Sepultura (release date: Thursday, January 11th) is now available for pre-order from Amazon.com, Amazon.co.uk, Kobo USA, Kobo UK & Barnes & Noble.

13 Baffling Book Titles

Nov 03 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my bewildering/baffling book titles series. Here are 13 baffling book titles. Click on the links to learn more about them.

How To Pray When You’re Pissed At God

Knitted Meerkats

Are Women Human?

My Parents Open Carry

Scouting for Boys

277 Secrets Your Snake (And Lizard) Wants You To Know

How to Be Happy Though Married

Cheese Problems Solved

Enjoy Your Pigeons

Old Age Its Cause and Prevention

Your Three-Year-Old: Friend Or Enemy

How To Train Goldfish Using Dolphin Training Techniques

How To Become A Schizophrenic

I hope you found these titles mildly amusing. Click here to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter.

13 Bewildering Book Titles

Oct 20 2017

I have dedicated numerous blog posts to the topic that is bizarre books. Now it is the turn of bewildering book titles. Here are 13 bewildering book titles.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America