Reading | Guy Portman's Blog

7 More Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

Sep 22 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my series — books that I would not be seen dead reading in public.

When in public drawing concern to the fragile state of one’s mental health is ill-advised.

I read the backs of cartons, chocolate bar wrappers and the writing contained on packets of crisps, but I do not read Sidney Sheldon let alone in public.

Small Game Taxidermy

If your aim is to free up the seats on either side of you on the bus/tube/subway then great, but if not then keep this title stowed away on your bedside table.

Justin Bieber First Step 2 Forever: My Story

If I was a teenage girl then I might well not want to be seen in public without this book, but I am not…

The Joy of Solo Sex

I am already familiar with the subject matter, so I wouldn’t be tempted to read this in public, or anywhere in fact. Might I suggest that anyone who wants to discover more about ‘the joy’ read this in private.

The Wedding

Reading Danielle Steel in private is a traumatic experience, but in public…

The Sex Addiction Workbook

This book may be brimming with ‘proven strategies to help you regain control of your life’, but they are best consumed in private.

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7 Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

Sep 08 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to seven books that I would not be seen dead reading in public.

Going Rogue: An American Life by Sarah Palin

Celebrity autobiographies are anathema to me. This one looks particularly offensive.

The Voyeur’s Motel by Gay Talese

I am sure that I am not alone in steering clear of book titles containing the word ‘voyeur’ when in public. Click here to read my review of The Voyeur’s Motel.

Riders by Jilly Cooper

There is a time and place for prurient filth. The public domain is not it.

Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

No doubt Hitler would be furious if he discovered that his seminal work was being listed alongside tripe by Jilly Cooper & co. Its inclusion is because Hitler/Nazis tend to arouse strong reactions in people. If one is curious as to Mein Kampf’s contents, it is probably best exploring it in the privacy of one’s home.

Fifty Shades of Grey

‘A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who cannot read.’ — Guy Portman

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

One would gain more respect clasping faecal matter in public than clasping a copy of this.

How To Meet Women On The Subway

Being seen reading this book on the subway/tube is one sure way of not meeting women on the subway/tube.

Which books would you not be seen dead reading in public?

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13 Unfortunate Book Titles

Sep 01 2017

I hope you are in the mood for some unfortunate book titles. Here are 13 book titles that I consider to be unfortunate.

Fellow Fags

How To Raise Your IQ By Eating Gifted Children

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

How To Succeed In Business Without A Penis

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy

Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

Street Sword: Practical Use of the Long Blade for Self Defense

Jesus And The ‘G’ Spot

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

A Parent’s Guide To Preventing Homosexuality

The Pocket Book of Boners

A Passion For Donkeys

There will be a further instalment at some point.

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5 Recommended Novellas

Aug 25 2017

In recent years I have read numerous novellas. This week’s post is dedicated to 5 of the more memorable ones. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote (1958)

Truman Capote’s masterful ability to develop character is on full display in this compelling and at times humorous tale about an independent young society figure with a past shrouded in secrecy.

My Review: Holly Golighty is a young woman living in 1940s New York. The story follows Holly’s ambiguous relationship with a nameless narrator, whom we are told almost nothing...(more)

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (1962)

Whilst the morose subject matter (Gulags) will not appeal to everyone, this reader, an avid Solzhenitsyn fan, is of the opinion that One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is one of the best books ever written.

My Review: Ivan Denisovich Shukhov is a former POW serving a 10 year term in a Gulag on the Kazakh steppe for being a spy. He is innocent. The book chronicles a single day of his existence…(more)

The Legend of the Holy Drinker by Joseph Roth (1939)

This compact and compassionate novella has an alcoholic tramp protagonist. Its author, Joseph Roth, succumbed to a premature alcohol related death shortly after finishing this allegorical tale.

My Review: The Legend of the Holy Drinker is a short novella written by the iconic Austrian-Jewish author and journalist Joseph Roth. Set in Paris between the wars the story is…(more)

Queer by William S. Burroughs (1985)

Autobiographical in nature, the book is an account of Burroughs’s life in Mexico, during a troubled time in his life. The author adeptly portrays a deep sense of longing and loss.

My Review: Queer is an unreciprocated love story, in which the protagonist craves love and attention from a young American by the name of Eugene Allerton. Set in the American ex-pat…(more)

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (1899)

Heart of Darkness is a disturbing, multi-layered story about what can occur when man exists outside of civilisation’s constraints. Readers are challenged to question the existence of being.

My Review: A steamship sailing up a river through the jungles of The Congo, in search of Mr Kurtz, a mysterious ivory trader, who has reportedly turned native…(more)

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10 Ridiculous Religious Books

Aug 18 2017

This week sees the fourth and final instalment in my religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — That’s an oxymoron.

Scruples How to Avoid Them

Extreme supplication from the looks of things.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist is ominous.

The Christian Life is Exciting

The front cover fails to give that impression.

Can I Be a Christian Without Being Weird?

Yes, it is just about possible. But not if you are a Jehovah’s Witness.

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles?

This is presumably a satire. I base this on its Availability: Usually ships within 24 hours (if Jesus wants it to).

If The Devil Made You Do It You Blew It

What if the Devil didn’t make you do it, and you did it of your own volition?

Why Confess Your Sins To A Priest

Why indeed?

Precious Princess Bible

Brimming with illustrations and captions, this pink abomination informs every little girl that she is ‘God’s precious princess’.

The Monsters Are Coming…

And the winner of worst front cover in the religious genre is…

8 Macabre Books

Aug 11 2017

Anyone looking for macabre reading recommendations? If so then you are in the right place. Here are 8 macabre books. I have added pithy comments/fictitious commentary below each.

Peculiar Children

Yes, that child is levitating.

Still Life: Adventures In Taxidermy

If you are seeking a ‘fascinating romp through the world of stuffed animals’ then look no further.

They Thirst

What a terrifying creature!

Dissection

This book is best tackled on an empty stomach.

Pride And Prejudice And Zombies

I wonder what Jane Austen would make of this.

Rest In Pieces: The Curious Fates of Famous Corpses

Intriguing: I am adding this to my reading list.

Walter Potter’s Curious World of Taxidermy

Yuck!

Do-It-Yourself Coffins

Yet another DIY coffin title! Erotica better watch out, there’s a new genre in town.

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I am the author of five books. My genre is dark humour and satire.

A Black Comedy of True Distinction

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7 Books for 7 Moods

Aug 04 2017

This week sees the fifth instalment in my series of posts devoted to books for different moods. Here are more 7 books for 7 moods/states of mind. Click on the links to read my reviews.

In the mood for a Transgressive classic? (Perhaps you have seen the film but not read the book)

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

A Clockwork Orange is a ground-breaking and controversial work set in a dystopian near future. It leaves many questions to ponder concerning behaviourism, free will and the purpose of punishment. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Interesting

Are you in the mood for something psychological, but don’t have much time. If so you might like:

Chess by Stefan Zweig

Chess offers the prospect of salvation, but also the threat of dissolution in this short psychological novella, which explores the delicate divide that separates genius from obsession and madness. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Mildly intriguing

Tired of the joys of summer? Then how about:

Cancer Ward by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Whilst the drab setting, morose subject matter, distressing scenes, and length (nearly 600 pages) will not appeal to everyone, this reader was captivated by the book’s diverse characters and poignant prose. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Superb characterisation

Feel like reading an iconic humour book?

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

The 1981 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winner is less concerned with plot than focusing on absurd situations, designed to elicit a humorous response. The book boasts an obnoxious protagonist called Ignatius. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Overrated

If you are in the mood for something dark and poignant then I would recommend:

The Pearl by John Steinbeck

The Pearl is a novella about a destitute Mexican pearl diver who finds a very valuable pearl. It is a parable about the darker side of human nature that illustrates how riches can be illusory. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Good

If you are in the mood for a post-apocalyptic classic then look no further:

On the Beach by Nevil Shute

On the Beach is a cautionary and timeless post-apocalyptic novel whose central theme is an exploration of how people confront imminent death. This reader was impressed by the author’s adept characterisation. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Memorable & Melancholic.

If you are in the mood for some contemporary non-Fiction then this might appeal:

Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic by Sam Quinones

Composed of short, engaging chapters, Dreamland is a meticulously researched, multi-faceted work about addiction, entrepreneurship and the perils posed by unrestrained corporate greed. Click here to read my review.

My Opinion: Compelling

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Sepultura

Jul 14 2017

I am pleased to announce that my fourth novel, Sepultura, will be released on Saturday, December 2nd. Sepultura is the sequel to the satirical, black comedy, Necropolis. It sees the return of Necropolis’s sociopathic protagonist Dyson Devereux. I will be revealing more information over the forthcoming months.

For a limited time only I am continuing to offer a free copy of Sepultura’s prequel Necropolis to everyone who signs up to my newsletter. Click here to do so.

Click here to see the 46 reviews and ratings for Necropolis on Goodreads.

A black comedy of true distinction

Dyson works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Dyson is intelligent, incisive and informed. He is also a sociopath…

Here are a few snippets from Necropolis:

To look upon Irene is to stare into a looking glass, into a world of cheap retail outlets, suburban cul-de-sacs, Sky television itineraries, frozen Iceland trifles and Co-operative Funeralcare plans.

To my left a Lithuanian gravedigger idly picks his nose. To my right a mortician plays Sonic on his iPhone. Next to him a bereavement councillor’s afro-styled head lulls to one side. In the row in front a morgue rat, his head resting against his shoulder, snores loudly, a stream of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth.

Alice, not his real name, works in the mailroom. I call him Alice because he looks just like the ageing rocker, Alice Cooper. Like the real Alice he sports a mane of black hair and wizened, heavily lined features, but for record sales read envelopes…

6 Dark Fiction Books Not To Be Missed

Jul 07 2017

This week sees the third instalment in my Dark Fiction series.

Definition: Dark fiction is concerned with the sinister side of human nature. It is often distinguished from the mainstream horror genre in that it tends not to be fantasy-orientated. Dark fiction may contain elements of black or satirical humour.

The Pearl by John Steinbeck (1947)

The Pearl is a parable about the darker side of human nature, in which the author employs a simple yet captivating prose to illustrate how riches can be illusory.

My Review: Steinbeck’s novella, The Pearl, is a story about a destitute Mexican pearl diver by the name of Kino, who leads a simple existence with his wife Juana and baby son Coyotito. One day…(more)

The Killer Inside Me by Jim Thompson (1952)

The author adeptly employs suspense in this thought provoking, suspenseful and unrelentingly bleak first person narrative about a psychopath.

My Review: 29-year-old Lou Ford is a Deputy Sheriff from the West Texas town of Central City. Lou is a hard-working, trustworthy, simple character with a keenness for clichés; at least this is how he is perceived…(more)

Junky by William S. Burroughs (1953)

Junky

Junky is a semi-autobiographical novella, in which the author successfully utilises a detached journalistic approach to capture the obsessive nature of addiction.

My Review: Set in 1950s America and Mexico, Junky is a confessional novella about drug addiction. Its protagonist Bill Lee chronicles his drug-centred existence, which entails searching for his daily fix…(more)

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (1963)

The Bell Jar is about protagonist Esther’s year in the ‘bell jar’, a period in which the boundaries between the real and the imagined become blurred.

My Review: Having landed a highly-coveted position as an intern for a prominent New York based magazine, talented and intellectual Boston native Esther Greenwood experiences the glamour of the big…(more)

Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis (1985)

Easton Ellis’s debut novel is a nihilistic account of life in 1980s L.A. This is a graphic and disturbing book that utilises social commentary and plotless realism.

My Review: Set in 1980s Los Angeles, the story follows eighteen-year-old Clay, returned home for Christmas from college in New Hampshire. Clay immediately falls back into the L.A. social scene…(more)

Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk (2005)

Haunted is a series of short stories, in which the author succeeds in not only amusing, horrifying and disgusting his readers, but also skilfully exploring a variety of themes.

My Review: Haunted is about a group of writers, who have been assembled by the conniving Mr Whittier to attend a writers group. The location of the retreat is in an isolated theatre with no access…(more)

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The 9 Books I’ve Read in 2017

Jun 30 2017

We are half way through 2017 already. Time flies. As is my habit at the half-way point, I am dedicating this blog post to the books that I have read so far this year. The following 9 books are presented in the order in which I read them. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Stalin’s Englishman: The Lives of Guy Burgess

Genre: Non Fiction

This biography of the notorious spy Guy Burgess recounts his life from birth through to premature death in Moscow, aged fifty-two in 1963. After spending his formative years at the naval college Dartmouth…(more)

My Rating: Absorbing

Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic

Genre: Non Fiction

This award winning account of America’s opiate epidemic asserts that its origins are two-fold — the pharmaceutical industry and Mexican importation. In 1996 Purdue Pharma introduced its new opiate-containing…(more)

My Rating: Compelling

Cold Comfort Farm

Genre: Satire

Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the ramshackle and backward Cold Comfort…(more)

My Rating: Repetitive & somewhat overrated

On the Beach

Genre: Post-Apocalyptic

World War III has culminated in atomic bombs being dropped on the northern hemisphere. The radiation is spreading steadily southwards on the winds, decimating populations in its wake. Stationed in Australia is American…(more)

My Rating: Excellent

I Am Charlotte Simmons

Genre: Satire

Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is set to be a big change for a prudish girl, hailing…(more)

My Rating: Amusing but turgid

Newspaper Diapers

Genre: Transgressive

Newspaper Diapers consists of a series of loosely connected vignettes about child abuse and group homes being recounted by various perverse and narcissistic narrators. The line between abuser and victim is blurred in these traumatic...(more)

My Rating: Deeply disturbing

Race To The Bottom

Genre: Transgressive

Roy is a degenerate and borderline alcoholic with a menial job at retailer Bullseye that pays less than Walmart. Roy’s precarious existence takes a turn for the worse when his overweight girlfriend, fed up with him living on her couch…(more)

My Rating: A relatively entertaining light read

Tortilla Flat

Genre: General

Danny is an unemployed alcoholic, leading a transient existence in Monterrey, California. When Danny inherits two houses in the shabby district of Tortilla Flat, he invites a hobo friend and fellow paisano…(more)

My Rating: Good

Rebecca

Genre: Mystery/Crime/Romance

Our young, unnamed narrator is working as an assistant for a rich American woman in Monte Carlo. It is here that she meets recently widowed, forty-two-year-old Maximilian (Maxim) de Winter. Maxim is the proprietor of Manderley…(more)

My Rating: Excellent

Tag - Reading

7 More Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

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7 Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

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13 Unfortunate Book Titles

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5 Recommended Novellas

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10 Ridiculous Religious Books

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8 Macabre Books

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7 Books for 7 Moods

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Sepultura

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6 Dark Fiction Books Not To Be Missed

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The 9 Books I’ve Read in 2017

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