Writing | Guy Portman's Blog

Partying, Partaking, Pastries & Problems

Jul 02 2021

The partying in the title refers to the wedding I attended last Saturday. It had been a very long time since I had been in a large gathering of people. I managed to successfully avoid all physical contact. It came naturally to me.

Some lessons had to be relearned however. Lesson One: Make eye contact with people. Lesson Two: Don’t maintain eye contact 100% of the time (or one will appear psychotic). Lesson Three: Don’t drink to excess, or one will suffer the consequences.

It took me until I was around thirty to learn the first two lessons, but I learnt the latter when I was fifteen. Unfortunately, I had forgotten it. I have since been reminded.

The dining marquee

My place. There’s nothing quite like seeing one’s name in print.

That’s the wine done with. Anyone else a fan of Limoncello?

The two metre plus best man striding away from what was a successful speech.

A Scottish cousin and his other half in celebratory mood. No, it wasn’t England failing to beat Scotland in the football that was the cause of their jubilation.

Now for the pastries. They’re Baklava. I ate the entire box last night.

Finally, a break from the rain. It was time to get some gardening done. The problem was I couldn’t remember which oil the flymow takes.

Could have sworn it was this one.

I was wrong.

Weather, Writing, WordPress & Wildlife.

May 28 2021

After what has felt like weeks of virtually non-stop rain, the sun has finally come out. It is here to stay; at least that is what the weather forecast is claiming.

Is it just me, or is WordPress not working very well at the moment. It is incredibly slow whenever I use it and there are ongoing issues with uploading images. Rant over. I have been writing non-stop of late. Have just finished a third draft of a novel and am flying through another. However, this has come at a price. There has been nothing vaguely resembling marketing going on, and no social media, or building my mailing list.

On another subject, the cock pheasant has been spending ever more time at mine. How’s this for a close-up of him.

Blossom – a sight for sore eyes.

The dog on his morning walk.

Trigga moments later on point.

The obligatory weekly photo of a deer. This roe buck was considering whether flight or fight was the way to go. He opted for flight. You can never be sure at this time of year which way they’ll turn.

My current read. It’s a slow burn and morbidly depressing in places, but I can’t get enough of McCarthy.

I have some exciting news to share with you. Last Sunday, I went to a restaurant for the first time in forever.

This was purportedly a chocolate mousse. At least that’s what I ordered. Perhaps due to the fact none of us have been out for so long, restaurants now think they can pull the wool over our eyes. Good thing it was delicious, or I would have kicked up a fuss.

More Of The Same

Apr 09 2021

Earlier this week, I was surprised on looking out of the kitchen window to see that winter had suddenly returned. It was sleeting and there was ice on the ground and on my freshly manicured shrubs.

Another day, another deer. I can’t stop running into them. It seems every time I leave the house they are there.

The dog enjoying a drink from the water feature.

What a splendid morning. Despite being half asleep, I couldn’t resist taking a photo.

A book, green tea and Maltesers equals an agreeable combination.

If you follow my blog, you’ve probably seen pictures of kebabs on it before. Here’s another.

What a healthy breakfast this was. Oranges, watermelon and green tea.

Last week, I posted a photo of a pheasant. This week I have a picture of four. Came across them in my neighbour’s garden yesterday. They were having their afternoon tea. I was watching them for quite a while. Now I understand where the term ‘pecking order’ comes from.

Have a good weekend.

Gardening, Griping, Guzzling & German

Mar 19 2021

I just can’t get people to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it. It’s a real problem; one that I can’t imagine Putin or Xi Jinping have. That’s the griping out of the way. Actually no, there’ll be more later. Now for the guzzling. Earlier this week I made an omelette that only broke very slightly. Give me a round of applause please. Here’s a picture of it:

Anyone else like Indian food? I’ll take your silence as a yes. I had an Indian banquet on Wednesday. What a treat.

Now for the German. Earlier this week, Leipzig-based publisher Festa Verlag published my psychological thriller.

Symbiose retail link

Symbiose means Symbiosis in English. Somebody their end must think Symbiosis is pretty good, as it boasts a fairly hefty price tag. The plan is it sells well and they take some more of my books, and I emigrate to Germany, where I am adulated like David Hasselhoff.

That is a picture of my hedge. I do most of my gardening myself due to the fact I like doing it, and because I’m a cheapskate and don’t want to fork out for a gardener. However, at this time of year I do get help with stuff above ground level, such as this hedge for example. A two-man team turned up with chainsaws for what I assumed from the invoice was going to be a full day of arduous labour. Must have been a little over five minutes into their day that the main man knocked on my summerhouse/office door and informs me, ‘We’re done’. When I went out to inspect, I couldn’t see any difference. I told him, ‘I didn’t get you in to trim my hedge with nail scissors.’ He shook his head and said, ‘D-don’t know what you mean. What do you mean?’ ‘I mean cut it properly, to the height of the top of a man’s head, and I’m not talking the world’s tallest man as it is currently.’ They did it again (see photo). I’m satisfied.

Mangetout has been out a week now. There are seven ratings on Goodreads and they are pretty positive. I’m not saying they’re all waxing lyrical, but some of them are. I’m hoping, no I’m praying, that more will appear on Amazon. There are none on the UK site at the time of writing. There are some on Amazon US though. Have a good weekend.

Writing, Lockdown, Stuff Breaking & A Surprise Visitor.

Nov 13 2020

We’re just over a week into Lockdown here in the UK. Everything is uncertain at the moment.

‘When did the future shift from being a promise to a threat’ – Chuck Palahniuk

As for me, I have penned an initial draft of a dark fiction book similar in format to my latest release, The Gazebo. We’ll see what the beta readers have to say about it, but regardless it (name pending) won’t be released for quite some time yet.

The bicycle is out of action until new parts arrive.

So the dog is making do solely with walks.

When it is not dark and/or raining, this can be a pleasant time of year.

You know how when one thing breaks, everything seems to. The TV remote for the bathroom has packed in. I was familiar with limescale in kettles, but did not know until now that water-based TV remotes suffer from the same affliction. A new one is on the way.

The first mince pies of the season. They won’t be the last.

Anyone else a fan of Moretti?

The surprise visitor frequented my new birdfeeder earlier this week.

It is a great spotted woodpecker.

Gardening, Beer, Reading & Lockdown Easing.

Jun 19 2020

Lockdown restrictions are beginning to ease and it seems things are returning to normal. This was made clear to me when I went to the supermarket this week and came across these Kleenex Originals. They are the first I’d seen in months. Was beginning to think Kleenex Originals had gone the same way as the dodo and woolly mammoth.

And that wasn’t the end of the supermarket’s pleasant surprises. This box of twenty-four Moretti was a mere twenty-three quid. What a deal.

I decided to make a daytrip of it, and also went to the gardening tool shop in addition to the supermarket. The protective shield bit had broken off on my brush cutter, and the lid for the scart socket keeps coming off, which has resulted in me getting sporadic electric shocks. A potentially catastrophic combination.

It transpires that it needs a new blade too. This is why cutting the garden has turned into a fulltime occupation. I had put it down to inefficiency on my part.

As for reading, I have just started a new book. This fiction writer needs a non fiction fix once in a while. It is proving to be interesting , but long.

Green tea and a Twix are an agreeable combination.

So is standard tea and a chocolate éclair.

Right, time to get going. My dog is waiting for his walk.

I’ve left Trigga out in the garden to scare off the pigeons. They keep eating my grass seed. Have a good weekend.

Storms, Sustenance & Soul-Searching

Feb 21 2020

The UK has experienced some wretched weather of late. It hasn’t been that cold, at least not here in the south, but the rain has been something else. First there was Storm Ciara, then Storm Dennis. This rainbow made a fleeting appearance between deluges.

Both my dog and I have been relishing our new piece of furniture. It is proving to be an extremely soporific sofa.

British people generally only eat kebabs when they’re drunk. But the kebab van near me is so good, they are palatable even when sober. I was tipsy when I devoured this x-large one.

Wood pigeon breast is a particularly favourite of mine and readily available here in the countryside.

Currently, I am working on my latest darkly humorous offering. It will probably be of novella length and contain two stories. I will release more information in due course. I have also been trying to garner some interest in my other books. Sales picked up a bit in January, but this month has been disappointing.

Well, hope springs eternal, or at least that’s what they say. Have a good weekend.

My Works In Progress

Aug 03 2018

This week’s post is about my works in progress. Presently, I am working on two projects, both of which are of the satirical, dark humour variety.

Tomorrow’s World will be my fifth book. It is a satirical book of vignettes about the future. It consists of concise, sardonic scenes that take the reader year by year into a future characterised by manic capitalism, extreme celebrity worship, virtual reality, a grotesquely ageing population and an ever increasing mandatory retirement age. Tomorrow’s World will be released in November. This quick read will appeal to those who like humour and satire.

I am also currently writing the third instalment in the Necropolis Trilogy. Golgotha will be published next year.

What is a sociopath to do?

Necropolis is the first instalment in a trilogy featuring Dyson Devereux, the sociopathic head of Burials and Cemeteries at his local council.

I am offering a free copy of my black comedy Necropolis to everyone who signs up to my humorous, monthly book-related newsletter. If you like dark humour you’ll love Necropolis.

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

‘… a mix between The Office and American Psycho’ – Amazon Reviewer

Click here to see the 85 ratings & reviews for Necropolis on Goodreads.

The second instalment, Sepultura, was released earlier this year.

A sociopath can only keep up a façade for so long.

‘A satirical gem’

Dyson Devereux is a busy man, with a challenging new job at Paleham Council and a young son. He would be coping just fine were it not for crass colleagues, banal bureaucracy and contemptible clothes. He is not going to take it lying down …

Sepultura is available from all major retailers as a paperback and eBook.

Sepultura Goodreads link.

20 More Quotes About Writing

Feb 23 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to 20 writing-related quotes that have not previously been featured on my blog.

To write, or to Netflix. That is the question – Kat Myley

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have “plans” – Mike Birbiglia

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it – Winston Churchill

The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering – Tom Waits

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere – S.J. Perelman

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous – Robert Benchley

Drowning in my own words with only a semicolon as a lifeboat – Jessica Baumgartner

I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me — Ray Bradbury, WD

If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it — Elmore Leonard

An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate – François-René de Chateaubriand

He’d heard that writers spent all day in their dressing gowns drinking champagne. This is, of course, absolutely true – Terry Pratchett, Snuff

Not all writers are silently suffering inside. But it certainly helps – Joyce Rachelle

Sadly, there are writers who wouldn’t know an umlaut from an omelet – Kevin Ansbro

The only impeccable writers are those who never wrote – William Hazlitt

For writers it is always said that the first twenty years of life contain the whole of experience – the rest is observation – Graham Greene

Writing romantic fiction is the second chance that loved ones denied us – Shannon L. Alder

Don’t break a writer’s heart and think ink won’t spill – Ming D. Liu

Writer’s block’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘I don’t feel like doing any work today – Meagan Spooner

Writing should beguile us, not just take us from A to B to Zzzzz – Kevin Ansbro

Even on the silent days, believe your ship will come – Shana Chartier

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20 Quotes About Writing

Feb 02 2018

Here are 20 writing-related quotes. I hope these will amuse and/or inspire my fellow writers.

You know you should be writing. Get off Twitter – Yvette Kate Willemse

Grammar, you’re the pickiest noun I know – Buffy Andrews

Writers, like teeth, are divided into incisors and grinders – Walter Bagehot

Pen-bereavement is a serious matter – Anne Fadiman

Discipline is the bridge between a great idea and a completed novel – T. N. Suarez

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. I say its closer to 675 or 700 – A. E. Samaan

He carried a pencil that put a camera to shame – E. B. White

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind —Patrick Dennis

You cannot write unless you write much – W. Somerset Maugham

Those who write are writers. Those who wait are waiters – A. Lee Martinez

The more you leave out, the more you highlight what you leave in – Henry Green

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress — Philip Roth

Before publishers’ blurbs were invented, authors had to make their reputations by writing – Laurence J. Peter

Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard – Daphne du Maurier

Not a wasted word. This has been a main point to my literary thinking all my life —Hunter S. Thompson

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory – Franklin P. Jones

The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair – Mary Heaton Vorse

Writers don’t have lifestyles. They sit in little rooms and write – Norman Mailer

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write – Saul Bellow

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good – Dr. Samuel Johnson, to an aspiring writer

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Tag - Writing

Partying, Partaking, Pastries & Problems

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Weather, Writing, WordPress & Wildlife.

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More Of The Same

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Gardening, Griping, Guzzling & German

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Writing, Lockdown, Stuff Breaking & A Surprise Visitor.

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Gardening, Beer, Reading & Lockdown Easing.

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Storms, Sustenance & Soul-Searching

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My Works In Progress

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20 More Quotes About Writing

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20 Quotes About Writing

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