May | 2012 | Guy Portman's Blog

Twitter

May 25 2012

The evolution of Twitter since its creation in 2006 has been unprecedented in the history of the Universe. Twitter is currently inhabited by approximately 140 million creatures (though it is suspected that some are robotic). This study examines the role of two of Twitter’s many species.

Aims & Objectives

i). To observe, document & compare the tweeting habits of two species.

ii). Use the results to draw conclusions on the given species prospects for further evolutionary progress.

Methodology

One hundred tweets from two specimens from each species were analysed over a five day period. On each day a different hourly time frame was evaluated. (Note: In instances where not enough tweets were present, the team worked backwards in chronological order until the twenty tweet target was achieved).

The two species are:

#Hyperactive #Hashtagger (Perquam strennus)& Harmonious Helper (Concordi adiutor)

The #Hyperactive #Hashtagger

Social Orientation: small troops or alone.

Habitat: trees.

Diet: fruit, bulbs & insects.

Behaviour: #Hyperactive #Hashtaggers are incessant tweeters that usually tweet twenty-four hours a day. During peak tweeting hours around dusk and dawn single specimens have been recorded tweeting as frequently as every 19 seconds. #Hyperactive #Hashtagger tweeting calls can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety due to the ubiquitous #. Nine #’s have been recorded in a single tweet. The tweeting calls of the #Hyperactive #Hashtagger is rarely targeted at a given individual and are usually not part of a conversation. It is unusual for a #Hashtagger’s tweet to be met with a response.

The Harmonious Helper

Habitat: herd dwelling grazer.

Diet: grass & flowers.

Behaviour: The Harmonious Helper is an enthusiastic and contented tweeter, who usually tweets about a 100 times per day. Tweeting occurs only during waking hours and rarely at a rate of more than 10 tweets per hour. The tweeting call of the Harmonious Helper rarely contains quotes or facts, is always positive and often contains words like thank you/greeting/welcome (regional variations may apply). Its tweets are recognisable not only due to their positivity and prevalence of gratitude, but also by the high percentage, about 49% of tweets that are either part of or result in a conversation. On occasion Harmonious Helpers’ provide detailed instructional tweets for the benefit not only of the herd but also other species.

Tweeting Data

Conclusion:

The #Hyperactive #Hashtagger

i). The emaciated and exhausted state of many #Hashtaggers’ observed during this study raises concerns that their relentless tweeting has left them in dire need of rest and nourishment.

ii). Though the study acknowledges that the # has been instrumental in the exponential rise of the Twitter sphere, the #Hyperactive #Hashtaggers incessant, unnecessary and prolonged use of the # clogs up Twitter feeds unnecessarily, resulting in other species losing faith in the #.

The Harmonious Helper

i). Ever expanding follower numbers are evidence that Harmonious Helpers are gaining allies from a wide variety of species.

ii). The high proportion of tweets resulting in conversations signifies that Harmonious Helpers are listened to and that their tweets can be interpreted by other species.

Recommendations

a). The research team recommends that the #Hyperactive #Hashtagger population cease tweeting and listen to their Twitter feeds.

b). Though the team recognises and encourages the evolution of language, it views with alarm both the #Hashtaggers’ persistent disregard for old world language and fanatical embrace of the #; particularly # tagged lists in place of sentences and/or statements. Especially pertinent in this regard is the demise of the preposition amongst the #Hashtagger population. This has resulted in other species either not understanding and/or feeling alienated by the #Hashtaggers # tagged deluge.

To be continued next week.

Comments Welcome.

Update and Book Review

May 18 2012

You might remember that last week I was so exasperated with issues over formatting my book for CreateSpace that there was a minor tantrum. Fortunately my fourth attempt was met with success and to my palpable relief the odd pages appeared on the right hand side of the virtual book. I am now awaiting the arrival of the proof copy from America. Having paid a priority shipping fee I was under the impression that it was to arrive on Wednesday. It did not. And it did not arrive on Thursday either.

Friday – 10:30 – I peer out of the window biting my finger nails anxiously, waiting for the arrival of the postman.

10:34 – A figure appears in the distance at the end of the road, clad in a red anorak like top, as worn by Royal Mail employees. I wait expectantly. It is evident as the figure approaches closer that he is not the postman. Not only is he not pushing a mail trolley, but he is holding a can of Super Kestrel, a high alcohol beer popular with alcoholics. He stumbles past, mumbling incessantly and continues up the street.

10:37 – I return to my desk.

10:41 – I hear footsteps followed by the sound of post being forced through the letter box. Going through to the hallway I am disappointed to see there is no book.

On another matter I recently attended a book launch for The Bitter Sea, a fictional account based on real events, at the time of the civil war in China. The book is published by Quartet. Please find my review for it below.

The Bitter Sea by Chung Yee Chong

Canton, China – 1948 – The matriarch of the influential and wealthy Fu family is the Dowager and it is her birthday celebration that serves as the opening scene for this compelling novel. This annual event is interrupted by the attendance of an unsettling presence in the form of a stranger, who casts an ominous shadow over the proceedings and heralds the start of a series of tragic events that will ultimately lead to the disintegration of the family unit.

In this carefully crafted literary masterpiece the tribulations faced by the Fus act as a microcosm for the monumental changes facing China during this turbulent period in her history. The long civil war is drawing to its inevitable conclusion with Mao Tse-tung’s Communist forces poised to overthrow the Nationalists, led by the ineffectual General Chiang Kai Shek, whose grip on the South of the country is loosening, threatening the traditional fabric of Chinese society with dissolution.

The story follows the Dowager’s three very different sons; the eldest of which is Chuo Kuo, the leader of a political party, desperate to bring peace to his suffering nation. His role as a go-between for the two warring factions allows the reader an insight into the opposing leaders’ very different personalities.

The author successfully employs a descriptive, often melancholic narrative that offers a deep understanding of the fragility of social and political conditions, as the Chinese old order disintegrates and is replaced with an uncertain new era that will irreversibly change the nation forever.

CreateSpace

May 11 2012

I have been very fortunate in receiving a great deal of assistance with cover design (see front cover on right of screen), editing and proof reading for my soon to be released book, all of which I am most grateful for. An eBook conversion company is formatting the book for the Kindle, whilst I am preparing the paperback version myself.

Monday

07:00 – The paperback formatting begins in earnest with the downloading of a special Word template courtesy of CreateSpace. With a meticulous eye for detail I diligently change fonts, alter images, move chapter headings, in addition to a whole host of other tasks.

18:00 – The formatting is finally complete. I convert it into a PDF document and upload it onto the CreateSpace website. A message informs me that I will be informed within the next forty-eight hours if it has been successful. I am confident all will be fine. After all what could go wrong.

Tuesday

13:30 – A message from CreateSpace arrives in my email inbox. It says congratulations your files have been accepted. I punch the air with delight. This feeling dissipates on scrolling down and reading the rest of the message. I am informed that there are a number of problems; most pertinently is the fact that even pages are appearing on the right of the book. I open the online virtual version of the book (can only be viewed once CreateSpace have checked your files). The even pages are indeed on the right. Deciding that I am hardly in a position to change centuries of tradition (all books have even pages on the left) I sigh with annoyance and make some alterations. These include adding a blank page at the start. The next few hours are spent checking the document thoroughly for any untoward changes that might have occurred from my changes; of which there are many.

15:27 – I press upload.

Wednesday

14:00 – The email arrives from CreateSpace. Despite it saying congratulations I do not celebrate. On opening the file I find the even pages on the right once again, causing me to swear loudly and scrunch up the piece of paper in my hand violently. Having calmed down somewhat I analyse the virtual book carefully before checking online for information on the subject. I then move the text, add some further blank pages and begin the tedious checking process yet again.

17:00 – The file is converted to PDF and uploaded to CreateSpace. I am not entirely confident that my efforts will be met with success.

Thursday

13:00 – Pacing nervously in circles I chew on the end of my ballpoint pen, my breathing coming in harried gasps.

13:23 – The email arrives from CreateSpace. As I hurriedly open the virtual reader, I mutter a prayer to some as of yet unknown deity. Seeing the even pages on the right again, bitter acrimony descends upon me. I scream out aloud a number of times and then proceed to throw objects at the far wall, including a large glass ashtray that weighs several pounds. It smashes into pieces on impact, leaving a large dent in the wall. More items are thrown, though this time lighter ones; small books and the like. Sometime later I stop throwing things and lean back in my chair, seething with hopeless introspection, as the gloom from the grey day outside pervades the room.

13:32 – The doorbell is ringing. I head forlornly downstairs. Opening the door, I am surprised to see two policemen. Before I am able to greet them, the shorter of the two informs me that a neighbour has raised concerns about a disturbance on my premises. I inform them it was merely a solitary outburst brought about by exasperation over an IT issue. Thanking them for their concern I begin to close the door. One of the policemen places his hand on it, preventing this from occurring. They insist on looking inside. Several minutes later, satisfied nothing sinister has occurred they are ready to depart. On the way out I ask them if either of them knows anything about CreateSpace. They say they do not.

Friday

13:39 – I am waiting anxiously for the latest update from CreateSpace.

The Drought

May 05 2012

Looking out of the window, I notice that the rain has stopped, for what feels like the first time in weeks. With no printer ink and an excess of printing to be done, I decide to take advantage of this temporary respite in the weather and head off hurriedly in the direction of the stationery retailer Rymans.

Barely two minutes later I am ordering black Kodak ESP C110 ink, my breathing coming in harried gasps. The shop assistant examines the shelf behind him for what seems an inordinate amount of time before informing me that it appears to have sold out. I am at the point of offering a response when he says he will quickly check the store room. Through the shop’s window tenebrous storm clouds of the cumulonimbus variety are visible as they surge through a foreboding sky. I wait anxiously as the seconds pass like an eternity.

Eventually the shop assistant returns empty handed and informs me that the printer ink is out of stock. With a cursory goodbye I flee the premises. Predictably the deluge begins seconds later. Lamenting the loss of my umbrella, which had met its demise the previous day when blown inside-out and damaged beyond repair in a howling gale on this same street, I hurry onwards.

I am about to turn the corner when a large advertisement on the side of a bus on the other side of the road catches my attention. Convinced that my senses are deceiving me I stop to inspect it more closely, struggling to read the poorly designed white font over a brown background. The advertisement is courtesy of Thames Water (see picture) and consists of a drought warning and the plea to use less water. A car drives past sending a wave splashing onto my trousers, soaking me to the point of saturation.

Continuing my journey I am astounded after what has been the wettest April in living memory how we can possibly be in a drought. Merely half an hour earlier I had been informed by Sky News that flood warnings were in force across several counties. Yet despite this seemingly endless torrential downpour, much of the United Kingdom is officially in drought whilst the kingdom of Saudi Arabia with an average rainfall of only 100mm per year is not.

Here are three April rain related statistics from the UK.