Archive - November 11, 2016

Bizarre Books IV

Bizarre Books IV

I previously stated that part 3 was to be the final instalment in my bizarre books series. I have since changed my mind. Here is part 4. There may well be further additions in the not too distant future. As with the previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.


Jogging With Jesus


There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.


Microwave Cooking for One


Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.


Be Bold With Bananas


If the vile looking concoction on the front cover is anything to go by, it is probably best not to be bold with bananas, and to stick to the tried and trusted peeling followed by eating method.


Circumcisions By Appointment


Client: I want to book a circumcision for next Tuesday at 2:30.

Receptionist: Sorry, no can do. How about 3?


Images You Should Not Masturbate To


If the image on the front cover is anything to go by…


Twelve Reasons you should Speak in Tongues


Reason One: Speaking in tongues is perfect for when you want to appear insane.

Reason Two: Um … let me think … wait … err…


Born-Again Virgin


To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.


A Lust For Window Sills


Be wary of splinters.


Help! A Bear is Eating Me 


If the bear is already eating you then is too late. You should have asked for help earlier.


How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety


Owner: Yes Tiddles, approach the gun like that.

Tiddles: Meow, meow, purr.

Owner: That is the safety switch. Do not turn it off. No!

Tiddles: Meow, hiss!

Owner: Not the trigger. NOOO!




Copyright © 2015. Guyportman's Blog

%d bloggers like this: