Archive - November 2016

1
Bizarre Books V
2
Famous Authors’ Bizarre Writing Habits
3
Bizarre Books IV
4
20 More Quotes about Books, Reading and Writing

Bizarre Books V

Before we get underway with Part 5 of my bizarre books series I have an announcement to make. For a limited time only, I am giving away a FREE copy of my satirical black comedy Necropolis, to everyone who signs up to my newsletter.

Here are 10 more bizarre books. As with previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

 

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

grow-up

Truer words were never spoken.

 

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’
 

 Reusing Old Graves

reusing-graves

Step One: Turf out the occupier…

 

Mommy, Is It A Sin To Be Fat?

fat

Kid:  ‘Mommy, is it a sin to be fat?’

Mommy: ‘It depends how fat.’

 

Outwitting Squirrels

squirrels

Strategy One: Cover your bird feeder’s pole with glue.

 

How to Talk to Your Cat About Evolution

cat-evolution

Talking to your cat about evolution is no different from talking to some Americans in the Midwest about evolution, i.e. futile.

 

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

 

How to Hold a Crocodile

crocodile

First clasp the crocodile firmly with both hands. No, not by the jaws! … Snap … OW! HELP!

 

Castration Celebration

castration-celebration

Wow, yeah! Castration celebrations are the best fun ever, but the blood loss is quite off-putting. And I am starting to feel rather faint.

 

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

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(I plan to send out occasional book-related newsletters. You can unsubscribe at any time)

Necropolis

Famous Authors’ Bizarre Writing Habits

Many authors have writing habits/routines that could be described as bizarre. Back in 2014 I dedicated a blog post to the subject. This is the second instalment. Here are 8 authors who have/had bizarre writing habits.

Alexandre Dumas — This French writer used different coloured paper for different types of writing. Blue was his colour of choice for fiction, pink for articles, and yellow for poetry.

Ernest Hemingway — Hemingway is one of a number of famous authors who liked/like to write standing up. His preference was to have a typewriter and reading board at chest-height opposite him.

Joan Didion — Literary journalist and novelist Joan Didion spends an hour alone before dinner with a drink, going through what she has written that day. When nearing the end of a book she sleeps in the same room as it.

James Joyce — This eccentric writer wrote in a white coat whilst lying on his stomach in bed. For writing materials he used cardboard and various coloured crayons. Joyce did this because he had poor eyesight. His white coat reflected the light.

Quill2

Friedrich Schiller — German poet Schiller always kept a pile of rotten apples in the drawer of his writing desk. He believed that the aroma inspired him, and that he could not write without it.

Franz Kafka — Kafka’s career left him with little time to write. After work he would rest and eat before commencing writing at 11 p.m. This taxing regime was said to have left him permanently exhausted.

W.H. Auden — This obsessive poet used drugs to balance his routine. He swallowed the amphetamine Benzedrine every morning for 20 years. At night he took the barbiturate Seconal in order to get to sleep.

John Steinbeck — Steinbeck was obsessed with pencils, particularly Blackwing 602’s. Drafts of his books were crafted in pencil, and he always kept 12 perfectly sharpened pencils aligned on his desk. He claimed pencils charged him with invention and energy.

As for me I am prone to wearing ear defenders when writing, to eliminate distracting sounds.

Click here to read part 1.

Bizarre Books IV

I previously stated that part 3 was to be the final instalment in my bizarre books series. I have since changed my mind. Here is part 4. There may well be further additions in the not too distant future. As with the previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

 

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

 

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

 

Be Bold With Bananas

banana

If the vile looking concoction on the front cover is anything to go by, it is probably best not to be bold with bananas, and to stick to the tried and trusted peeling followed by eating method.

 

Circumcisions By Appointment

circumcisions

Client: I want to book a circumcision for next Tuesday at 2:30.

Receptionist: Sorry, no can do. How about 3?

 

Images You Should Not Masturbate To

masturbate

If the image on the front cover is anything to go by…

 

Twelve Reasons you should Speak in Tongues

tongues

Reason One: Speaking in tongues is perfect for when you want to appear insane.

Reason Two: Um … let me think … wait … err…

 

Born-Again Virgin

virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

 

A Lust For Window Sills

windowsills

Be wary of splinters.

 

Help! A Bear is Eating Me 

bear

If the bear is already eating you then is too late. You should have asked for help earlier.

 

How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety

gun-safety-cat

Owner: Yes Tiddles, approach the gun like that.

Tiddles: Meow, meow, purr.

Owner: That is the safety switch. Do not turn it off. No!

Tiddles: Meow, hiss!

Owner: Not the trigger. NOOO!

Bang!

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Necropolis

 

20 More Quotes about Books, Reading and Writing

Back in July I devoted a post to 26 quotes about books, reading and writing. Here are 20 more:

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.Stephen Fry

Some books should be tasted, some devoured, but only a few should be chewed and digested thoroughly.Francis Bacon

The covers of this book are too far apart.Ambrose Bierce

Think before you speak. Read before you think.Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

Quill

There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.Bertrand Russell

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.Moses Hadas

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.Oscar Wilde

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.Groucho Marx

Books are the mirrors of the soul.Virginia Woolf, Between the Acts

I cannot live without books.Thomas Jefferson

I often carry things to read so that I will not have to look at people.Charles Bukowski

Book Stack

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book. Kin Hubbard

If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.Marcus Tulles Cicero

He has only half learned the art of reading who has not added to it the more refined art of skipping and skimming.Arthur James Balfour

To buy books would be a good thing if we also could buy the time to read them.Arthur Schopenhauer

Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.Harry S Truman

I’ve often thought of writing my autobiography and selling it as a cure for insomnia.Melanie White

A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who can’t read. Guy Portman

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