Guy Portman's Blog

Bizarre Books V

Here are 10 more bizarre books. As with previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

 

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

Truer words were never spoken.

 

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

 Reusing Old Graves

Step One: Turf out the occupier…

 

Mommy, Is It A Sin To Be Fat?

Kid:  ‘Mommy, is it a sin to be fat?’

Mommy: ‘It depends how fat.’

 

Outwitting Squirrels

Strategy One: Cover your bird feeder’s pole with glue.

 

How to Talk to Your Cat About Evolution

Talking to your cat about evolution is no different from talking to some Americans in the Midwest about evolution, i.e. futile.

 

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

 

How to Hold a Crocodile

First clasp the crocodile firmly with both hands. No, not by the jaws! … Snap … OW! HELP!

 

Castration Celebration

Wow, yeah! Castration celebrations are the best fun ever, but the blood loss is quite off-putting. And I am starting to feel rather faint.

 

Why Cats Paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

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